Rounds Week 51: On Nigerian Corruption, Innoson v GTB, The Billion Dollar Enemy, and more…

Rounds

The Pre-Christmas Episode.

Enjoy!

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Hey beautiful people.

Welcome to another obviously awesome episode of Rooooouunds!

Sure you guys have been looking forward to today as much as we have. That reminds me…Christmas is hereeeee.

Fuel scarcity is here you mean.

Who says the two are mutually exclusive? The government has given us an early Christmas gift obviously.

A country that’s already hard now they’re adding fuel scarcity to the mix.

Like! Hard and happy to fuck us in the ass…

What’s with you and ass? Bobrisky!!

And what’s with you and Bobrisky? Jacob!

Ain’t we just cute together??

Lol. Puhlease, I don’t do office romance.

Oh wow! You actually thought I was serious? Ewww!

Smh. Let’s get to work please.

Alright guys, here are…

 

***

The Headlines

Nigerian Corruption: Lesson 1

How to enlarge your coast – The Mark of a true Nigerian politician

Innoson vs GTB

Who is Innocent?

Details below

In More Local News

On presidential silence and re-instated road blocks…

The Billion Dollar Enemy

How to defeat a technically defeated opponent

 

***

Nigerian Corruption: Lesson 1

I’m beginning to think we should just have a sub-segment on Rounds called ‘This week in Nigerian corruption’. Never mind the tautology.

Tbh. Would be so easy to anchor too since there’s always going to be a story about kwarapshun every week.

For example, this week, it came to our notice that the FG has accused former Senate President David Mark of illegally acquiring his then official residence which he has now turned into his private property.

Lmao. Just look at. #OnlyForNaija

Apparently he had already been given a 21-day notice earlier in September to evacuate the mansion by the Special Presidential Investigation Panel for the Recovery of Public Property chaired by Chief Okoi Obono-Obla .

Only for him to file a suit in court to stop the process. I’m just here wondering on what grounds.

On the grounds that it’s now his of course. Before it was public property, but now he, David has marked it as his.

This country is disgusting.

But for real though, according to his lawyer, it’s on the grounds that he legally acquired the building via a ‘walk in bid’ at the command of the FCTA. According to the suit, Senator Mark sought for…

“a declaration that the unilateral declaration by the defendants that the plaintiff’s acquisition” of the property “is illegal and the order compelling the plaintiff to vacate the aforesaid property” without affording him “a hearing,” amounted to a denial of his “fundamental rights to fair hearing and property, and are therefore unconstitutional and void.”

He is even claiming infringement of his fundamental rights. On top public property?! Aiye mi!

Lol. It’s so funny but not funny. These guys are running Nigeria into the ground one by one like ‘On your mark, set, go…’

How will he even leave when the mansion sits on 1.6 hectares of land and has not one, not two but eight structures, made up of the main house, ADC/chief security detail’s house, guest chalet, security/generator house, boys quarters, security post, driver/servants’ quarters and chapel.

Imagine ordinary generator has a house when full grown men are homeless. Laila. Won’t I come as a senate president’s generator in my next life like this?

Hahaha. Fool. The house is located at 1 Musa Usman Street, Apo Legislative Quarters, Gudu, Abuja. We give y’all permission, go raid the nigga.

Ameannnn! ABJ guys, if you don’t have a place to sleep, feel free to give the man a visit cos that house belongs to all of us in this country.

Issa fact! I’m sure this is how the case will linger in court for years while the man continues living undisturbed on public property.

Sigh. I could weep for this country but then my tears deserve better.

Couldn’t be more accurate.

 

***

Innoson vs GTB

I really don’t know what to make of this story.

Me neither tbh. Just looks like one of those action movies where you really can’t tell who’s the actor and who’s the boss.

Everything looking messy like two LAWMA field agents fighting on duty.

Lmao. E say field agents. Well for those who haven’t heard, Mr Innocent Chukwuma, the Chairman of Innoson Group and Innoson Vehicle Manufacturing was this week arrested by the EFCC at his Enugu residence.

I can actually hear some of you asking who Innoson is. Smh. That’s the man behind Nigeria’s first indigenous car manufacturing company yo!

Our very own Tom Ford!

You mean Henry Ford, don’t you?

Potato! Potahto! Negro!

You’re  a waste. Anyway, origin of the story dates as far back as 2009 when Innoson, who is a customer of GTB, approached the bank for a loan of N2.4b to purchase some goods and finance his business.

Now part of the conditions of the loan was that GTB would be the exclusive owner of the imported goods with all the original shipping documents and that ownership of these goods could only be transferred to Innoson or any other third party by GTB itself, provided Innoson pays 25% of the value of each letter of credit transaction.

I don’t even know what that means but where I come from, a deal issa deal. But apparently Innoson approached the bank and asked for the shipping documents without paying the agreed 25% and as expected the bank said no.

Only for the bank to find out in 2011 that Innoson had somehow acquired the goods fraudulently by forging the said documents together with the signatures of 4 key staff of the bank as well as the bank stamp.

Anyway, that’s when the Popos and EFCC got involved and Innoson agreed to pay GTB his debt which amounted to about N1.6bn, which was back then in 2013.

After a lot of back and forth, Innoson’s debt was reviewed to N1bn after he pleaded with the bank and the bank charges which had accrued on his account( about N559m) were foregone. Only for him to turn around and sue the bank for illegally debiting him the same N559m in bank charges which he won and was due N4.7bn from the bank.

Lmaooo. Wow! It be your own customers fam.

Like! GTB however claimed that they are not responsible for his arrest and that ‘EFCC arrested him and would be in the best position to comment on the reasons for his arrest’.

To think that some of you have already gone on social media to criticize GTB without truly knowing the facts.

Once debited illegally, twice shy fam.

Word. So does this mean Innoson isn’t innocent.

But he is Innocent, isn’t he?

His birth certificate says so though. Only time will tell though as there are so many contradicting facts about this matter. We’ll keep y’all posted as usual anyway.

 

***

In more local news…

Ibrahim Idris, the Inspector-General of PopoNG has directed immediate commencement of Stop-and-search operations during this yuletide period.

Money must be made. Targets must be met.

He, Idris, also directed the Commissioners of Police to supervise and ensure that they’re not turned into road blocks.

LOL! ‘Supervise’. Bet. The person that will give them their daily target? Dem day leave yam with goat??

“Members of the public should promptly report any roadblock seen mounted anywhere in the country to the IGP X-Squad,”, the statement said.

Wait does X-Squad stand for Xmas Squad?

Seems legit.

Those ones that will be turning up till 2018? Aii aii…

Speaking of turning up, you know what won’t be, this season?

How many guesses do I have?

One.

Uhm…fuel gauges?

Wow. Good guess.

Yeah, just gonna act like it doesn’t say it right there in the script.

*sigh*

What is this fuel scarcity though??

All the blame falls on Daddy Bubu though. He is, after all, the minister of petroleum.

Who sponsored this post? PDP?

But I’m serious though. I mean is he not?

https://twitter.com/fisayosoyombo/status/943114966051295232

https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/944247983251456000

Hmm. I heard that the marketers are actually behind it. Something about them diverting 125,000 litres (144 trucks) of petrol.

Why would they want to do that?

Demand and supply, fam. Scarcity automatically implies an increase in price.

Apparently they approached Ibe and co. to allow price hike of petroleum products…

And leave the sector to market forces??? Fuck.

N500 per litre, here we come.

That’s an exaggeration. If that happens, I will buy bicycle and move to the country.

So unpatriotic. What a betrayed.

Speaking of…

https://twitter.com/Jololade/status/942432369834946561

I think we can all forgive Kanu. But Buhari will forever be engraved in our hearts as that fuck up guy…

This country is messed up fam. The Nigerian dream really is to leave Nigeria.

Must be why Bubu was begging us in his speech to stop trying to leave, because e go beta.

Because he knows we won’t come back to our huts.

Ah! So you heard that statement from Trump!

Who didn’t? Man…

https://twitter.com/ProPublica/status/944618046035058688

It’s not his fault. We’re the ones that are looking for greener pastures.

Don’t worry. Things will get better. Abi?

Valid. Moving on…

 

***

The Billion Dollar Enemy

Our governors have gathered again, not to talk about how to pay salaries. Nah.

Hmm… Neither is it to brainstorm on how to generate 24/7 electricity.

Nor to plan on how to provide better healthcare to its citizens but rather, it’s on how to spend money that we don’t have.

On a previously termed ‘technically defeated’ terrorist group.

This decision was taken during the Federal Executive Council meeting presided over by Vice-President Yemi Osinbajo at the Presidential Villa, Abuja.

I see what you’re doing trying to keep them guessing about what the decision is…

Lol. It’s mostly because I am trying to keep their anger at bay.

Haha…they’re Nigerians, they’re already hanging out with the anger at the bay sef.

You take this one then…

Smh. Anyway the gist is that the governors have agreed to use one billion dollars from our excess crude account to fight Boko Haram. No, you didn’t read it wrong, that’s $1,000,000,000.00.

I am shivering while hearing this and it’s not the harmattan.

It’s like because the name of the account has ‘excess’ in it they think they can spend the money lavishly cos I’m not understanding. One freaking billion dollarsssss???

They even had the audacity to explain how the money will be spent; “purchase of security equipment, procurement of intelligence and logistics, among others”.

Where ‘among others’ includes money for Christmas shopping and acquisition of 2018 Range Rover I’m sure.

I mean how much is IQ that they have to use $1 billion dollars to buy intelligence? Ordinary intelligence that our students abroad are flaunting like peacock feathers.

My own is they better be buying the services of the Avengers and Justice league for that amount. Just unleash the Hulk and Superman in Sambisa forest.

Wise way of siphoning funds if you ask me. Smh.

Isn’t that all they’re wise at?

Just preying on our insecurities as a country cos obviously we want Boko Haram gone.

I’m sure we don’t need to remind anyone that these guys have no…

 

***

Morals

Always my best part. Wondering who invented the idea though.

Gats be Tula. Don’t think those other two can…you know what…never mind. So what are the lessons to take with you to Christmas?

First we learnt that Christmas in Nigeria means fuel scarcity. If you know, you know.

And also that when you’ve served Nigeria you must also ensure that Nigeria serves you even after your tenure.

Hahaha. Also when you finish with public property please leave it for us… Don’t mark it as your own!

Gbam! Don’t be like David and be coveting public property like sey na Bathsheba.

Then we learnt that first to do no dey pain.

If your bank defrauds you with ridiculous bank charges, defraud them back and even sue them to court on top.

And lastly, whenever Nigerian governors gather, you know it’s kuku not to better us but to butter them.

And that they are ready to use whatever it takes and also what it doesn’t really take to defeat Boko Haram.

Even though we know that even after all the billions spent, just like Jesus, Boko Haram will rise again.

Speaking of Jesus, merry Christmas guys.

Don’t forget that he’s the reason for the season and the seasoning.

…as the numerous plates of jollof nationwide will testify this week.

Lool. See y‘all next week.

We out!

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