Welcome, people! Hey! Like the new look? Yes. Yes I do. Wow. So they gave you a beard. Smh… *moisturizes with castor oil* Don’t hate. Exfoliate… Where are your eyebrows, bruh?? Can we focus on this week’s news please?? Fine. Fine…How was Valentine’s day fam? It was alright. Won’t say I did anything or anyone special.…
I wasn’t asking you. I was asking them.
Doesn’t matter. I like it.
And this is Rounds, people!
Wow. So they gave you a beard. Smh…
*moisturizes with castor oil*
Don’t hate. Exfoliate…
Where are your eyebrows, bruh??
Can we focus on this week’s news please??
Fine. Fine…How was Valentine’s day fam?
It was alright. Won’t say I did anything or anyone special.
That must be an entirely new experience huh?
It’s the recession bruh, what can we do?
Yeah. Can’t knock your kpomo because you presently can’t afford steak.
Anywayyy, hope you guys had a mad ass Valentine’s day.
Go on, share how your day was with us.
Let’s live vicariously through you guys.
Any guy here get his 134th boxers and singlet gift?
Any lady discover they were the side boo all along?
We’ll love to know. Share with us.
Before we start, we bring you this golden nugget from 2014
LOL! On this week’s episode of “What-the-actual-fuck, Karma?”
This week, the news sorta trickled in bits and pieces and it was hard sifting through, trying to find which ones should make…
*Dramatic music, nshit*
The Acting President
Starring, Osinbajo, Rufai.
51 Iweka Road Onitsha’s finest.
For inciting violence
And killing beats
Not this year, guys….
Maybe next year
Let’s make it about race.
On your marks…
A Debt in Death
How to ruin your own funeral
The Acting President…
President Yemi Osinbajo seems to have done more than the real president in his two weeks of acting
SMH, don’t be deceived my brother, that’s why it’s called acting.
It’s real tho…the whole idea of acting is to take up a role and make it as believable as possible.
It’s barely two weeks’ fam,
Which is why I say let’s give him 4 years
Not sure the real people d power belongs to will fold their arms, or keep their purses sealed while that happens
Word, matter of fact, ALL POLITICIANS SHOULD FOKOFF
He’s joking, please don’t tell them.
But seriously though. Tell them to fuck off.
The real president however seems to be doing ok
Why does it feel like people want to add “sadly” to that sentence?
He spoke with American president Donald Trump during the week and also played host to the Senate president and some other guys who just entered London real quick
Entering London as if they’re boarding Ajah bus
Any idea when he’ll be back tho?
I hope he just stays there tbh, he shouldn’t worry, we can always supply him news.
We’ll send Rounds to your mail sir. Fret not.
All the important stuff is right here. You never have to leave that place.
In completely unrelated news, the dollar has hit its all time low closing in at ₦516 to $1.
Karma has been working overtime lately, you know.
Ain’t that about a got damn bi….
Wait. What have they done with all the money they have been recovering?
Lataaro. They’ve even collected another 34 billion from Diezy.
What are they doing with all this recovered money please?
Still strongly believe any sector you put this shit in will see change.
Whoa. You gotta be careful how you use that word. Nigerians don’t really like it anymore.
Stay woke though. It’s OUR money they’re stealing.
It’s when you’ve spent half of your salary in the first week of the month that you’ll realize that they’re taking it right from your pocket.
Wasn’t it in someone’s cupboard that we found subsidy money just last week?
Ah well, Osinbajo, it’s looking like it’s in your hands now.
Since the president has unofficially resigned.
I mean, that’s what you imply when you go on vacation and extend it indefinitely without giving any proper form of communication as to why.
Your employers will just be looking at you like “this one has found work at petrol station sha”
You would have been given your termination letter by now if you worked for an organization, Mr. President.
But no. You only work for Nigeria.
We hope you’re enjoying London weather sha.
Continue doing midnight call with Trump.
Meanwhile, Audu Maikori was arrested yesterday on grounds that he has not been making good music lately.
Naw, we’re kidding. Would be super cool if we could do that though.
You know, arrest people for making bad music.
Maybe then you guys will start taking things seriously.
For those of you who aren’t aware, Audu is the CEO of Choc City Entertainment.
Five-O picked up Audu in Lagos around noon Friday for alleged attempt to “incite” the public, and subsequently transferred him to Force Headquarters in Abuja.
PoliceNG has been stunting lately oh. I hope it was a private jet something. That’s Ice King you’re transporting.
They arrested him for spreading false claims.
Definitely not his best move.
But a certain magistrate in Kaduna was hearing none of that. And issued a warrant for his arrest.
*cough cough* Rufai? *cough*
So ‘they’ came for Audu. And social media was having none of that shit.
I’m loving this age of media users who constantly call people out on their shit, you know.
Don’t be dishing it out if you can’t take your own advice.
Or suffer the same consequences for the actions you so vehemently punish.
It appears Audu has been released though.
Later they will say it’s just Twitter.
ELECTIONS IN CONGO
The current government in Congo has announced that it may not hold its long-awaited elections this year.
“Nna, elections don cost”
Those weren’t their exact words. But we’re not too far from the intended mark.
“It will be difficult to think that we can mobilize $1.8 billion this year,”
-Pierre Kangudia Mbayi, minister of state in charge of budget, said at a news conference on Wednesday.
Current leader, Joseph Kabila, has been president since his father was assassinated sixteen years ago.
Since 2001, this man has been chilling in whatever their version of Aso Rock is.
I think their capital is called Brazzers Ville or something like that.
Damn, no wonder he doesn’t want to leave.
He said he will step down when they elect a new president. Now he’s saying no elections because it have cost??
Oh boy this your fagbon e dey mad gan.
African leaders just generally have no regard for this whole democracy stuff do they?
Not gonna mention any names.
African leaders generally tend to misinterpret the obedient nature that Africans generally have for leaders for weakness.
…is already here, really…
…when there will be riots and frays whenever the people are dissatisfied with their government.
This thing called governance is a service. Not the jackpot.
Tears. Tell that to the Iboris.
You people are too entitled.
So another edition of the Grammy’s held and as is customary, lots of famous people were present
The Grammy’s was also present at Beyoncé.
Yah, because you know for real though, that Bey was the event and the Grammy’s was the visitor.
Somewhere along the line, the award for album of the year was given to…wait for it…
They already know, what are they waiting for again?
…I WAS WONDERING IF AFTER ALL THESE YEARS…
You’re a piece of shit man
Buahahaha…Adele won the album of the year for “25” and said in her acceptance speech that Beyoncé was the one who truly deserved the honor.
…and glory and power foreverrrrrrr
Adele said “I can’t possibly accept this award, and I’m very humbled, and I’m very grateful and gracious but, my artist of my life is Beyoncé,”
This was after she had received the award of course.
Beyonce is the artist of all our lives but heck, I ain’t gon give her none of my Grammy’s
Isn’t that because you have none?
Is that what we are talking about here?
Adele told the crowd, fighting back tears. “And this album for me, the ‘Lemonade’ album, is so monumental, and so well thought out, and so beautiful. and soul-baring… we appreciate that. All of us artists here adore you. You are our light.”
We agree aunty Ade, but take your award and be going
She told reporters later on. “…a piece of me did die inside, as a Beyoncé fan. Not gonna lie. I was completely rooting for her.”
As a result of this feat, Adele becomes the first artiste ever to sweep album, record and song of the year twice. She won all three in 2012 as well.
Beyoncé – who is expecting twins – only won two of nine Grammy nominations.
Ehn, one each for the twins.
Why won’t the Grammys just grant us this Grammy of the Year something and let us hear word.
Only 10 black artists have won that award since 1959.
Well it’s no news; the Grammys have been boycotting black people for decades.
Despite all of that, ma nigga Chance won a Grammy off a mixtape.
We all accept this victory in the name of the Lord.
Mortuary attendants stormed a cemetery during a funeral and seized the corpse over debt.
What a time to be a dead guy!
Like homie was probably a dead guy in real life, and then died and still remained a dead guy
The dead in him must be strong.
These are the guys your parents and friends warned you about.
But still you people will not hear word because of bomb pipe.
You’re being sarcastic right?
*blank stare* be asking me questions, don’t drop this shit like its hot.
Follow us to the Tema Community 9 Cemetery where a Mortuary attendant with Tema General Hospital stormed the burial ground to seize a dead body over an amount of GH¢40 (that’s like ₦3,000) balance for the services he rendered.
HAHAHAHA…like how do you even owe money while dead?
According to some eyewitnesses, while the body was being interred, the enraged mortuary attendant in the company of a colleague, seized the coffin, opened it, picked out the dressed corpse and started heading back to the mortuary.
Somebody cannot even rest in peace.
Clearly not about to let sleeping dawgs lie.
Just delayed the guys trip to the otherworld because of ₦3K.
According to the attendant, the family of the deceased failed to pay the full amount and while he was preparing other bodies for burial, they snuck the corpse out of the mortuary and headed straight to the cemetery to perform the funeral.
Mortuary attendant was probably like “Hold the fuck up! This dead guy isn’t in the freezer no more”
Shit must have caught him cold
Homie was like “This nigga think he just gon’ go into the ground without paying my money, I’ll kill someone today”
The funeral later continued following the intervention of some elders and friends of the deceased.
Thank goodness for elders and friends.
How do you steal the body of your relative though?
Some families are just born gangsta.
Can you imagine not being allowed into heaven because your family stole your body?
Just pay your dues please.
Gotta hear both sides though. That’s for sure.
And that’s it for this episode, guys.
Before we go, in usual fashion, we ‘bout to give you the morals for the week.
First we learnt that BUHARI IS STILL NOT BACK!
LOL! Yes, and Osinbajo is president. Well…acting.
Also, it’s not enough to act. You must also produce…
Results, that is. Mr. President.
For some reason, I believe in Prof. So much.
Yeah, but the general opinion about him isn’t so strong.
Well, for me, I learnt that everyone’s dream job should be to be the president of Nigeria.
Because everyone can be looking for you and they’ll still be paying your salary.
You should see the replies to that tweet.
Just the entire world ridiculing us, nothing serious…
Next we learnt that you can do one thing, and then go ahead to arrest someone who did the exact same thing…
And still be nominated to be nominated as the future president of Nigeria.
We’re talking about you, Ser Rufai of El.
Then we learnt that African Leaders really are scum.
But we knew that already.
We just felt the need to reinforce that bit of knowledge with y’all.
I mean if your government cannot afford to hold elections then there is really no point to it.
It defies its very existence, tbh.
Next, another reinforced bit of information.
You knew that. Let’s just skip that bit.
And Chance is still the greatest.
Last, we learnt that it’s never too late to pay your debt.
Even after you’re done with this whole time thing and moved to eternity…
It still isn’t too late. Go and pay your money.
Do you guys like the new look?
Tell us what you think in the comments.
As we leave, we extend heartfelt sympathy to Arsenal and Barcelona fans worldwide