And I’m (usually) Sirkastiq.
Today we bring you the usual Rounds but first…We have still not seen our president with our eyes oh. Just picture picture upandan…
Hian! Buhari doesn’t have phone again??
Although, in all the chaos, and amidst rumors that he was dead, the White House confirmed that they spoke to the president of Nigeria. The exact claim was…
“…In addition to his in-person meetings with the prime ministers of Japan and Canada, the President also recently had phone calls with the presidents of Tunisia, Peru, Nigeria, Colombia and South Africa. Readouts are available on all of those calls.”
The exact person he spoke to is still unknown. But we hope it was Baba.
All this effort to cover shit up is just weird. On the other hand if everyone’s gut feeling is correct, this is gonna be a strange ass trend, unno.
Osibanjo been holding it down so far as far as fx is concerned.
Meanwhile, what was that OBFW EP05 ending though?
Why do you women like rough play? Bringing a knife to a stick fight.
All is fair in love and war apparently.
Gone Till November
Home and Away Presidents to unite
“Pay Up, Diezy!”
-Chief Judge, BBHMM NG Division
Meet The Associations™
Put your moral compasses up
Buy your Space X tickets here
Swedish councillor proposes one-hour PAID sex breaks
Did you ever think you’d see those last three words together?
In that sequence?
Well neither did we.
Gone till November?
Later my boss will be calling my phone anyhow when I extend my leave by one day. But just take a look at your president. Just take a look at him.
This guy basically just decided mid-term that he’s going to enjoy his life in London…
Because you people cannot come and kill him.
But let’s assume for a minute, say he’s not really in London right now and he’s really in intensive care somewhere and can’t lead us, what happens next?
I mean, it doesn’t really feel any different. It’s not like he was steering us right and decided to abandon ship. The country was already going to shit before he decided to have his colon removed.
LMAO! Please how does one remove one’s colon?
That was a terrible joke. Is that in the script?
Naw. I was just winging it.
Well, if you leave it to me, I’d say we have fresh elections.
But who really is worth leading Nigeria right now?
Definitely not Ben Moral Bruce.
Definitely not Hell Rufai.
Surely not Lamido Sanuzzi.
Are we even ready to have a full time president? I feel like we are not deliberate in building leaders.
Maybe we should just be single as a country for a while. Instead of jumping from one president to another.
Think of all the domestic abuse we have gone through in the hands of these men.
Na wa… for now sha, Osi still has the reins of power.
Let’s keep telling ourselves that as if the cabal aren’t the puppet masters.
The Presidency wrote to Nigerians in a press statement saying that the President says he may be staying longer than expected.
People in Buhari’s office aka Garba Shehu and Femi Adesina.
“During his normal annual checkup, tests showed he needed a longer period of rest”
Like homie went to rest and was told he needs to rest more.
I hope my office HR is learning a thing or two.
Small one day of absence and my phone be blowing up like Special spesh.
He however “Thanks millions of Nigerians who have been sending good wishes and praying for his health and well-being.
What the president needs to do – and we say this with all respect and sincerity – is resign.
Leading a country is a whole lotta work and what this shows is he doesn’t have the *pick your appropriate one* power, liver, strength, heart, or colon to handle it
Buhari if you’re reading this, don’t be like Wenger and the Arsenal board, listen to the fans and do the honorable thing.
In a recent turn of events, a video made the rounds (lol) showing some Northern clerics allegedly on the phone with Buhari.
Of course we could not see or hear the person on the other end of the call.
All we heard were shouts of “Allah…”
It all reeks of outright desperation.
Like, if he’s that alive, sir how about you do small skype session with us? No? Snapchat? FaceTime? Wazzap video call?
I’ve just concluded that Mr Buhari doesn’t rate us one bit.
He has no regard for his fellow Nigerian.
Can’t even start any speech with “My fellow Nigerians” because he has no idea what that means.
The opinions expressed here are those of the hosts and not necessarily a reflection of this platform.
Roight. By the way for those who don’t know, that’s Thetoolsman, our producer
Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news, the NAF successfully struck insurgents at a location in Tagoshe, Borno
Remember the Nigerian Air Force? Those guys that mistakenly blew up a couple of innocents a few weeks ago?
So the president leaves the country and their aim becomes perfect.
We wish the president a speedy recovery.
Right. Speaking of recovery…
Judge Orders Forfeiture of Madueke’s $153m to Fed Govt.
What is the current exchange rate again?
Why do you want to give yourself heart attack?
Is it your heart? Answer me my fren…
Bruh. $1 is currently ₦440. And they’re collecting a hundred and fifty three million of them muh’fuckas from one person.
Bruh. Almost ₦70 billion.
In similar news, the FG announced that it has recovered some super cool cash. As in this money is wearing cape, people.
The Honourable Attorney General of the Federation and Minister of Justice, Abubakar Malami, SAN has revealed that the Federal Ministry of Justice in line with the anti-corruption war, had recovered ₦57.9 billion as well as $US666.676 from fines and corporate organizations and corrupt individuals in the country.
All your uncles that used to spend money anyhow are now cautious. No more westi…
I just want to know whom they recovered that $666 from.
Obviously the antichrist.
Can’t blame this one on the devil unno.
“₦50 billion was the fine paid by MTN Telecommunication Company while ₦7 billion and $10 Million US Dollar was recovered from private residence, ₦40Million and ₦50Million were voluntarily returned.”
– Special Adviser on Media and Publicity, Comrade Salihu Othman Isah
Bruh, there is money in this country.
Voluntarily returned. Like “come and take, before you people start coming for me”.
And they did all this recovery with no budget.
If they are really declaring the full figures they recovered then that’s pretty laudable. Not considering the operational costs of chasing these people down, and the bribes they would have been offered to cover it up…
Clap clap clap. Patewo for the bahd guys!
Meanwhile, if you’re in NNPC right now and you’re still siphoning funds like those people who are breaking your pipes, we have just one thing to say to you…
Keep digging. Your time is coming…
All the Single Parents, Put Your Pens Up
Y’all must’ve thought OBJ was the only master pensman
But nope, the NASP have pulled their own weight…
The NASP in case you’re wondering is the “Nigerian Association Of Single Parents”
If you didn’t know that such a thing existed well…
Neither did we. But here we are…
Rounds, people. Steady bringing you the outlandish shit you deserve to know.
That should be our tagline, you know.
So if you’ve been watching Big brother Naija…or not, you (at some point) must’ve heard the name Bisola, ThinTallTony or TTT
Someone introduces himself as ThinTallTony and you don’t immediately think he’s a pornstar? You guys are better than me.
I doubt anyone will try disprove that.
So while our president was away, featuring on “Big brother Invisible”, TTT and Bisola seemed to hit it off in the BBNaija house.
You know, the average human being gets horny say, 38 seconds after seeing a beautiful babe, It however took TTT about 30 days.
Wow are you trying to say Bisola is…
Well, they both decided (as grown ass adults in a game to win N25m) that they were going to say “fuck it” and actually fuck.
And MoralityNG got enraged…
Because TTT has a wife and kids and Bisola is an actress/OAP/IG Comedian/Single Mother
Before we could say “SEE GOBE!!!” The pens and papers were whipped out.
Like TTT’s pen-is under the sheets.
Try swallow the contents of this letter.
Like Bisola swallowing under the sheets.
Fine. Here are some excerpts from the letter.
“Dear @iambisola, we the association of single parent are disappointed with your act on national TV few days ago…”
I really wonder what they discuss in their association meetings. Maybe who’s the latest single person and when they can approach them for membership?
“After what you did, I wonder what you do on a good day when no one is watching. While you were giving someone a head on national TV, weren’t you thinking of throat cancer?”
I strongly doubt her focus was on throat cancer while she was taking in that good good. Who thinks of anything terminal while having a heavenly experience?
And it wasn’t national TV. BBNaija doesn’t show on NTA
Plus WTF is throat cancer?
I’m more surprised that any of us made it past “a head” to be honest.
“Don’t you love the daughter you hustling for that much how she will feel when she grows up? (Even the so-called married man doesn’t even know if you have epileptic diseases and he left his private part to a total stranger.)”
She’ll feel rich if her mum wins that money, dazz for sure.
Haha…going forward people, make sure you see medical reports before you give your private part to total strangers.
However, if they aren’t total strangers sha, you can give them.
Gonna have to provide an equation for calculating the strangeness of the person though. Can’t just be leaving it to chance anyhow.
It went on and on…and then of course, the typical Nigerian conclusion…
Throw in some religion, make the person feel so unworthy and assume the role of God…
“Dear Bisola, the deed has been done. When you get out of big brother Nigeria, just go to GOD and ask him for forgiveness he’s ever faithful and merciful. He will cleanse all sins and make your part straight again…”
See the full letter here
Also, not wanting to be left out of the pen pal trend, the Married Men association of Nigeria also wrote a letter
Ground breaking stuff, really.
In it, they chastised a married man for doing what most married men in Nigeria do.
Neglect their families to chase other women and money?
“Mr Thin Tall Tony, while you were receiving head on National TV, didn’t you know, your wife, a woman you say, you loved might have been watching you?”
Well damn. Someone tell her to close her eyes.
TTT is really balling in that house though. When informed that he had a call from home and asked if he was willing to take it, his answer was quite simple and straightforward.
What do you think of this whole thing?
Well, considering that they have no access to the outside world, and there’s no way for them to confirm or refute any of the rumors until they either get evicted or win, I would rather not point any judgmental fingers at anyone.
Fam, do you know if he got a divorce a month before he got in the house? Or if he has any “open marriage” arrangement with his wife?
Nigerian men don’t have arrangements with their wives. Just…marriages. The “open” is silent. We put the D in Django.
Just trying to fit in, tbh. Meanwhile…
We getting New Planets?!
Next time you’re asked how many planets we have; you might need to say 19
Because 7 new planets have been discovered.
Of course, previously, we had 12? 9?
Don’t ask me fam, it’s been a while I moved out the area.
On Wednesday, an international research team announced they’d discovered a solar system 40 light-years away with seven Earth-size planets revolving around a small star.
What this means is there’s the possibility there’s life somewhere out there.
-Elon Musk, probably
It also means if rent is too much in Lagos or Abuja, you can now prepare to move to another planet.
Give us some time, we shall come back to you on choice areas and house pricing. As well as which planets have the hottest alien babes.
Cos that’s the one we’re moving to.
We haven’t named the planets yet.
I mean we just found (read: gave birth to) these planets like 5 days ago.
Naming ceremony loading though. We’re thinking Tuesday, maybe.
Meanwhile, there have been suggestions on what the planets should be called. And this is where NASA’s creativity really came to bear, you know.
Smh. Nonsense. If you have a better set of names for the septuplets, please let us know. We are in desperate need of better names than “TRAPPIST -1e”.
It actually stands for The Transiting Planets and Planetesimals Small Telescope.
Bruh. It has ‘Trap’ and ‘Rapist’ in it. Can’t work…sorry.
Really though, oil has nearly finished in Nigeria. Can we do and leave this planet already?
I call dibs on wherever we decide to use as Germany when we move to the new aplanet.
Was that like…apartment but planet size?
We really need to book that doctor’s appointment bro.
Look at the person that is talking. Just…look at him.
Swedish councillor proposes one-hour paid SEX BREAKS to improve workers’ happiness
All these countries are just improving their work-life balance but all your Nigerian boss is concerned with is whether or not you’ve sent your daily operational report.
The Nigerian labor force is just nonsense. Look at your mates now. The Swedes, do they have two heads?
“Swedes should be allowed to take a hour-long paid break from work to go home and have sex with their partners”
– Per-Erik Muskos
Look at this Councillor hero please. Out here doing the Lord’s work.
He said couples were not spending enough time with each other in today’s society…
And so he proposed that workers be given time off during the day to get intimate with their lovers.
Haters were now asking how he would verify that workers used that time to have sex.
To which this legend replied that employees should be trusted with their free hour.
I mean…Drink some haterade and chill fam…What we do with Happy Hour is none of your business.
Gotta go to Sweden bro. The standard of life there is apparently much better.
After the Finns and the French, Swedish full-time employees worked the least in Europe with only 1,685 hours on average in 2015, according to a study by economic research institute Coe-Rexecode.
Brits worked an average of 1,900 hours and Germans 1,847 hours in 2015.
Nigerians of course topped the chart with 8,760 hours in 2016 because being Nigerian alone is a full time job. No days off.
And there you have it. If you intend to fully maximize this one life that you have, we suggest you try other countries where they allow you leave your desk to go get laid.
We hope the motion gets passed like gas at a beans-only restaurant.
Passed like a rubber ball on a Barcelona pitch.
Absolutely not. You should have quit while you were ahead. Nonsense.
LOL! Let’s wrap this up please.
It’s really sad how all good things have to come to an end, unno.
Because we hate to leave you guys, but as upright citizens, we have to bring your way the moral lessons we got from this here episode.
First gem we dropped was the knowledge of the fact that you can be president in this country, and not even go to work. You can take 2 weeks paid leave and extend it to 48.
Being a political leader in Africa is really the dream.
Next we learnt that terminal illness will not stop the law from coming for you. Because Diezy has to pay up 67 billion.
Well, imagine how she feels.
Next we learnt that there are Married Men Associations and Single Mother Associations of Nigeria. Any other associations that exist will probably come out as more events unfurl on BBNaija.
Nose String Anonymous will probably write T Boss soon.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this announcement.
AND THIS IS WHY WE WERE LATE. SMH!
Nicki Minaj was attacked last night when a severely vicious middle aged woman by the name of Remy Ma fired off a couple shots.
That’s right people. Remy dropped a 7 minute diss track last night.
If you’re a Nicki fan, please don’t listen to this shit.
It’s 7 minutes of pure torture for anyone who has anything to do with Nicki. Remy called out everybody that has mentioned Nicki’s name in the past decade. Trey Songz, Safaree, Drake…
Full blooded warfare, people.
I mean she wasn’t stabbing wildly in the dark. Naw, she had her sources on steroids. She even brought up Nicki’s brother’s pedophile history.
And when Nicki heard that diss track, instead of her to get in the studio, she got on her timeline and started yelling at Trey Songz.
But Tremaine the playboy clapped back real quick.
He did drop a video telling everyone he never slept with Nicki…
And BOYYYY did the jokes and the slander pour in yesterday…
And somehow, Kim was not left out of the slander.
And she came through with the subs…
Even though that was from like 6 years ago.
But again, jokes > facts.
And you know with all the ‘facts’ that Remy dropped in that song she had a few ‘sauces’.
How did she know all of this, you ask?
And even if it wasn’t him, somehow this is still his fault. Because last year was his year. And you know he had to pass the baton to someone.
In the end, Meek still has to hold the L up high. Even after the relationship is over, you’re still taking Ls for your ex.
Moral lesson here is not to come for Remy Ma.
Sigh…Can we get back to morals now?
Pshh. What lesson could be more important than the one we just learnt?
True. Don’t come for Remy, ma.
That’s bout it, really. We wait for the reply. We’ve given Nicki 48 hours from us here at ROUNDS. We’ll be sure to update you so…Join us again next week for more of this shit. It’s outlandish, we know. You love it.
Till then, we wish you peace, love, and laughter!