Disclaimer: This piece is for single people okay? If you are married and you want to try it just to take it off your list, fine but it’s not going to be the same. Besides, the only type of sex you should be having is married people sex(*throws up*), so stay in your lane…x
My birthday has come and gone, but I’m officially now in my late twenties (you can’t imagine how long I have been waiting to write that). Last night I was reading an article, about how sex gets better for women in their 30s and I didn’t want to agree with the article because it will be a shame to have to wait till 30 to enjoy great sex. That is just wrong on so many levels.
I think that when you are thirty, you should have experienced the ups and downs of sex, and you have become more sexually aware. So in your twenties is the time to experiment and do/try all the crazy things, (you don’t have to do the “choking” thing though- so overrated). I put together a list of the type of sex that happens while you are still in your twenties. And if you are already married, well, boo hoo to you *tongue out*.
1- Sex where you go home right after because you like your bed more than this guy: The sex was great but I really like my bed and my pillows and my knight in a green suit. King Baaba, my stuffed elephant, we go back 22 years, so no guy can live up to his awesomeness.
2- Sex that is so good you feel angry that all your past sexual experiences weren’t all that great: This type makes you curse all your exes in Swahili.
3- Dictatorship sex: After years of being shy and timid about communicating what you like and don’t, you finally take the reins and tell him EXACTLY where you want him to put his tongue. And oh what a glorious day! Hallelujah!!!
4- “How are you this old and still so bad at this?” sex: This in my experience is from guys who brag a lot! You know that guy who is so hot and just talks about his skills, and after a drunk night, you just say, “what the hell, let’s do it!” Then you discover he is full of shit. Cat shit!
5- Sex in a comfortable bed: This feels better than that shitty bed in the flat he shares with his room mates. And if he is good at his “job”, that mattress will make up for every bad sex you’ve ever had.
6- Sex on incredibly nice sheets: Think Egyptian cotton… This is sheer bliss! Did you ever notice anyone’s sheets in your early twenties? No? That’s probably because those didn’t feel like heaven and these do. #ThankMeLater
7- Sex where the guy won’t come until he makes sure you do: At this stage in your life, that’s the STANDARD. It’s the only appropriate type of sex and as you get older, do you understand me?
8- Sex with someone you actually love: Not the guy you have a crush on, not some dude you met at a nightclub, but someone you really love and you’ve been together for a while. You’ve done the deed so much y’all have become pros. That type of sex. Yes!(the married people get what I’m saying…hehehe)
9- Sex that is so good you might actually marry this person: This type has you like, “Woah! I think I want to do this with you for the rest of my life”. As a guy, you might even offer to have her babies. It was that good!
10- Sex that turns into a nap: Not just him! I mean both of you say, “cool sex,” just give each other high-fives and doze off.
In other related news, have you ever been in the middle of sex, and asked yourself, “wow is this really happening?” No? Just me? Well, sometimes I like to take a moment in the moment to marvel or chuckle. (Whatever the situation brings). Did I cover all the bases? If I didn’t, please enlighten me on the other types.