Sorting the Pieces Left of my Life

How did I become this way? How did I lose it all? When did I stop fitting in? When did I lose the goal, the sole aim of all this? These were the questions that ran through my mind as I sat alone in the rubble of my ruined life. I couldn’t figure out what went…

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How did I become this way? How did I lose it all? When did I stop fitting in? When did I lose the goal, the sole aim of all this? These were the questions that ran through my mind as I sat alone in the rubble of my ruined life. I couldn’t figure out what went wrong or how it all happened.

I was always the most beautiful, the smartest and the leader. I challenged rules and never took no for an answer. That was me. I was Queen!

Then I left my comfort in the quest of seeking more, wanting more. In all honesty, I saw more. I saw all the things I had never known I wanted. It was amazing.

I left the little leagues for the big leagues but maybe I should have stayed there because everything was different, even the rules. The royalty in the big leagues either worked their butts off for it or inherited it as their birth right. I had ventured into the ocean without warning. Simple curiosity had driven me to this.

I had great plans and for the first time in my life I wanted to fit in. I didn’t want to be queen because of the other potential queens around me. I settled and that was the beginning of the end. I knew what I was looking for and I wasn’t going to let anything step in the way of that. Then I saw something else I wanted, maybe it was love or lust. I saw it and I craved it, that bond.

It answered all my questions. It offered me a whole new phase, a partner, a confidante and a best friend. Then I started to wait for Cupid. He had shot everyone around me. When was he going to shoot me? Then I remembered they said if I want something I have to go out and get it. I decided to force Cupid’s hand. I went in search of what I wanted, I looked everywhere. Lost more than I gained. Made mistakes, got many battle scars, because it was war. I fought for it all.

I didn’t get it, it wasn’t my time. Hadn’t I suffered enough? Hadn’t I rearranged my priorities well? Hadn’t I kissed enough frogs? Couldn’t Cupid see me? Did I want it all? Did I ask for too much? Many questions ran through my mind.

Then came depression. I lost touch with people around me, consumed by my regret and disappointment. I was lost in the world, only existing because I considered leaving, but wasn’t sure how I’d do it. I was sinking.

Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is at the bottom. But if I reach the bottom won’t that be the end of me?

In my doom and confusion as to whether it should go up or down, I felt a way open pointing upwards. On my way up, I started to think: maybe it wasn’t about being the queen; it wasn’t about fitting in. It was about being me, staying true to who I was, believing in good and the good of the world. Being beautiful in my own way because that’s the best I could do.

Responses

  1. Larz
    Wow. I am definitely loving this.

    In life, we sometimes continue to strive for things just because society says it is time to. If it is not school admission, it is uni admission, , or a job or marriage or having kids, or having another, the you repeat the cycle with your kids walking, talking, school admission etc. It is never ending. What is so funny, I feel anything, going through each stages should teach us that the next thing on our list wouldn’t completely transform our lives or make everything perfect becasue the previous ones never did but we continue with our struggle, our anxiety to make tomorrow perfect even though we are better off enjoying today for what it is.

    We grew up thinking overambition is a blessing. What if it is really a curse?

  2. Lholly45
    This is so me….This line “It was about being me, staying true to who I was, believing in good and the good of the world” is what is making the difference right now for me.

    Lovely post.

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