Tales Of A Church Whore

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You see, the problem is, my husband thinks we are happily married, and if you consider the important things, you may say we are. We have a good marriage, and if I weren’t such an evil person, I would love him right back.

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I feel sorry for my husband. Today as I watch him play with my daughter, Sarah on the floor singing nursery rhymes to her, I realise I’ve done him a disservice by marrying him. Each time a young Christian female asks me for advice on ‘finding her Boaz’ I tell her to be intentional in spending time with God. I advise her to focus on Jesus and her husband will come, I tell them this is what I did. To be perfectly honest that is not what I did, I was focusing on men focused on Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good man, and he probably deserves someone better than I am, a better Christian, a better wife, a better human.

We met just over three years ago; I attended a ‘Christians Running for Health’ event, organised by a local church. An acquaintance of mine, Tolani had suggested we attend. She was always on the prowl for a ‘future’ husband. ‘Selling my market’ is what she called it. That day, she met Gbenga, a prayer warrior, and I accidentally bumped into Jerry. I did accidentally bump into him.

While running, I began suffering from muscle cramps. I stopped running several times, to rest, and Tolani and Gbenga; eventually left me behind to allow me to run at my leisure. I never liked Gbenga from day one. That was when Jerry bumped into me; I stooped over pretending to attend to my shoe laces cause my legs hurt, that was when he came over to see if I was alright and our foreheads met like the bumping of fists. It hurt badly, and I began to cry. I wanted to cuss him out, but the pain won’t let me. After refusing several times, he immediately put me in his car and drove to a local supermarket to buy a pack of frozen vegetables to place on my forehead. That was Jerry, putting others first; it is funny how that day I did not realise that he was probably in as much pain as well.

After that he wanted to get to know me, he did not need to be persistent, I was desperate. He was a good man, I was 26 and my exes had all moved on. There was so much pressure from my family to marry. None of my actual friends was single, I was becoming lonely then, but I’m even lonelier now. We dated for a year; he was a devout Christian, I claimed I was getting there. He didn’t touch me once and I can count the number of times he kissed me. He proposed and I said yes, my parents paid for the wedding. We went to Paris for the honeymoon; he couldn’t afford better. The sex was awful, it hasn’t changed and I never had the heart to tell him the truth. He would have wanted to work on it, but I couldn’t be bothered.

You see, the problem is, my husband thinks we are happily married, and if you consider the important things, you may say we are. We have a good marriage, and if I weren’t such an evil person, I would love him right back. We don’t argue about anything, ever. When I have a problem with anything, I talk to him about it. He has always ensured that I feel free and comfortable to talk to him. He tells me everything; he keeps no secrets. When his already meagre salary was reduced, he spoke about it. I wanted to ask my dad for money and he refused. I was permitted to take daddy’s money for my frivolities like shoes and bags, but never for anything that concerned both of us or our little Sarah. He always wakes up and falls on his knees to pray and study the Bible for an hour before we pray together. I take that time to go to the guest room to pray; I mean sleep.

The only fault I can find in him is marrying me. If he were a better Christian, God should not have allowed him to marry me. A woman who did not love God or him. I think he was distracted by my beauty, my parents wealth and my claim to want to know God more. I had a ‘job’ running a charity, but you couldn’t call me ‘career driven’. I had a questionable past, but he was very forgiving, he said ‘If God can forgive you, why can’t I?’. I often wondered why he didn’t choose one of the ‘good girls’ in his church. The place was full of them; Bible reading, tongue speaking, choir singing, Bible group leading church ladies, and they were all single. Instead of marrying from the church, all the eligible bachelors went out to find a woman elsewhere who had a weak desire for ministry. I once asked Jerry why this was so, and he said; ‘those women think they know Jesus more than Jesus Himself’. He didn’t want someone who takes over Bible study at home. He felt I could learn from him, and he was happy with that.

These days, I find myself going through the motions of being wife and mother. Jerry is trying for another baby; I’m not. I don’t have anything that gives my life meaning, Sarah has a nanny who cares for her, and Jerry plays with her every evening when he’s back from work, I don’t want to taint her with my misery. I feel lost, my marriage and child define my entire existence and I don’t even put any effort into those things. I am often celebrated in my church; as a ‘woman of substance’, proverbs 31 materialised. Inside I’m dying slowly; I feel as though I’m drowning by waves of expectation.

I’ve always been waiting for something more, another life event to make this feeling disappear, but it never happened. I assumed that the joy associated with getting married would stop this feeling as I had initially put it down to cold feet. But after the wedding, the feeling stayed, and then I thought having Sarah would soothe me, but it didn’t. My aunties said baby blues were common in the family when I cried for days after Sarah was born. Now I have no tears left, but the emptiness remains. They said to snap out of it, but I don’t know how, instead I stay in bed all day. I have a lot to be thankful for, a great husband, a healthy child, financial stability, friends and yet, I have never felt more exhausted, alone, and uninterested. I don’t think I can pray to God openly because He’ll believe I’m ungrateful; afterall millions would die for what I have now.

I’m so hollow on the inside and there is nothing that can fill me up, I think they call this feeling depression, but I’m a Christian and that is not allowed.

Hello, my name is Zainab and I don’t want to be here anymore.

Responses

  1. A Loco Viva Voce
    OMG! This is by far the saddest thing I’ve read all year. I can feel her pain so deeply. The worst part of it all is if she opens up, they won’t understand because about the part of the Bible that’s against divorce. But she can’t keep living like that. She’ll only end up being more miserable and God forbid her daughter grows to resent her cos of how miserable she’ll become.
    She needs to pray to God for the strength to walk away. Sometimes the true measure of winning is having the courage to walk away. I wish you all the best Zainab. Keep praying!

    Read today’s post
    WHO IS THIS FASHION CRUISER aka @9JAFASHIONPOLICE?
    http://alocovivavoce.com/2016/03/02/who-is-this-fashion-cruiser-aka-9jafashionpolice/

    1. Od
      Walking away is the only solution? Good God! Is that what you do when your blog gets difficult for you? When anything gets tough? There might be other ways that work. And because she’s a Christian, divorce is most certainly not even on the cards.
      1. A Loco Viva Voce
        My dear I started my blog out of my passion for writing so of course I’m with it for the long haul. Zainab on the other hand admitted to not having any form of passion for her husband even before marriage. In her own words, she should never have married him.
        Would you advice someone to stay at a job they can’t stand simply because it’s their job?
        What if her depression leads to suicide?
        She’s clearly frustrated and if her husband truly loves her then he should let her go so she can figure out herself. Afterall, he does everything right but she still feels trapped so letting her go might be the best bet now.
        1. Tiban
          I think the problem here is she is depressed, that is not necessarily as a result of her marriage, she’s not even interested in her career either. A better approach will be to get help for the depression after which she can then decide if she really is not happy with her marriage…
        2. Od
          First, it is wrong to equate marriage to a job. They don’t share the same principles.

          Second, if how a thing started is all we need to determine whether it is a good undertaking, then you have never had bad days in your blogging career. But we know that some things start out well and end badly. Some start out badly and end so well you wouldn’t believe it. So there is no case here.

          Third, who says that love proves itself by letting people go? If you have kids, have you tried proving your love by “letting them go figure themselves out”? Love is involved not an outsourcing agent.

          Fourth, like the person that just replied you said, the depression affects more than her marriage. There isn’t enough reason in her story to blame her marriage for her depression. I personally believe it has more to do with how she views herself rather than who she’s with or where she is.

          Fifth, she is a Christian. Shouldn’t you respect that? We Christians do not do divorce. Those who do do it disobediently.

          Sixth, her marriage is actually her best bet to cure her depression. And if you can commit to blogging and handle all the challenges it throws at you, you should let her have a shot at handling some commitment in her own life.

          1. A Loco Viva Voce
            Have you ever had a really bad day and you come home and your mum or friend or partner is trying to comfort you but you would rather just be alone and deal with your issues personally? If you have then multiply that scenario by 10 then maybe you can start to fathom what she is going through everyday of her life.

            I’m no expert in curing depression but from what I see, she has everything that could make a woman happy – the perfect husband, perfect child, perfect job but yet she still lacks happiness.

            She is clearly in a place where she doesn’t even know what she wants for herself and staying around the same situation that makes her unhappy may clog her thoughts which is why she can never get rid of those depressing feelings despite how hard she tries.

            She needs to do things differently. Remember what they say about same actions same result and different actions different result. Let her try something else other than whatever she’s doing.

            My number one priority is her betterment. That post is really the saddest thing I’ve read all year. She needs to come out of that and a change of situation might help.

          2. Od
            Do you know how many people commit suicide for this very reason: that they are left alone? Not every cure is pleasant. Sometimes what we want is not what we need. It may actually be what kills us.

            That she doesn’t know what she wants is no reason for her to go try something else. That may seem like it makes sense and works but that’s Hollywood. In reality, she will flit from one thing to another until she DECIDES that what she HAS is HERS and it can be the best thing in the world in her hands. She will not wake up one morning and realize, “hey, this is what I’ve always wanted and it’s happening to me right now”. She will build what she has into something she will always rejoice in. We do enjoy the fruits of our own work best, don’t we?

            She doesn’t need to be let go or left alone or anything. She needs someone to show her that she can love too, that she can be happy making someone else happy. It’s something she can learn and she won’t learn it from anybody but someone who is doing it himself. That’s her hubby.

            I just thought now how her situation is the psychological equivalent of a body that is technically dead because its heart has stopped beating. We don’t wait for it to figure out by going anywhere and doing anything else how to beat again. We hook it up to machines and force an external rhythm on it until it starts to respond sympathetically. The same thing is applicable psychologically. It’s why psychological therapy always involves more than one person. You might have a therapist to talk to or you have a group to relate with.

            In short, it’s why we have relationships and marriages. They keep our hearts beating right.

  2. Od
    I just lost a comprehensive comment. I’m not sure I can make it that well again. But I’ll try.

    Zainab, I agree with A Loco Viva Voce. This is a very sad story. What I don’t do though is pluck out my eyes because I cry or cut off my nose because it spoils my face. Nobody does that. Not even with plastic surgery these days. Well, unless you’re Michael Jackson (but I think his nose fell off).

    This is not as impossible a situation as it seems. You’ve been married only three years and have just one kid. It does happen that people who have been happy for long years and who started out crazy in love with each other hit very nasty trouble spots that they feel they can never recover from but they eventually do. Unless they don’t give themselves a chance. There are some who start a marriage with less than zero feelings too. They actually start out with outright loathing and dislike but become inseparable in the years that follow. These things happen; but before you say that it means that there are no rules and one can never be sure what to expect, notice that there is a commonality to these stories. It is this: feelings can and do change. Perceptions can and do change. You can go from feeling one thing to feeling its opposite. For the same person. Time doesn’t make it happen though. If it did, then we can say that in time love will always grow but sometimes it doesn’t. Great, beautiful love dies in time too. It’s more than just time.

    You say you’re a Christian and I’m inclined to take your word for it. I will speak to you as a Christian. You don’t need me to tell you that divorce is not an option for married Christians. You have the Bible to tell you that and you really should listen to it. What I can do is tell you that the Bible’s command about staying married is not just God’s love of human pain and frustration. If God gave Jesus for us, why would he want you to suffer in your marriage? He doesn’t.

    The prohibition of divorce is to protect us emotionally. Whether we have come to recognize it or not, being torn away from someone you have shared so much of yourself with will leave you broken emotionally and psychologically. It will scar your kids and wound every new relationship you try. It’s partly why most people who divorce once tend to get into serial marriages.

    Leaving is not nearly the right solution even if it was an open possibility to you as a Christian. There are other answers. Understand that marriage is a huge commitment to make. It means that you willingly sign over your destiny, your hopes, values, possessions and gifts to someone else. You will always find that a difficult reality to deal with until you make your peace with the fact that it only works when you commit to making it work with your partner. As I said, feelings and perceptions can change but they never spontaneously do. We always feed one feeling/perception in favor of another and that results in those changes.

    I have some advice for you.

    1. Get on your knees and pour out your heart to God just as you have done here. Don’t take the knees part literally. Some people just lay down. Some pace. Some sit down. The point is that you open up to God as well and easily and completely as you did here. Think of him not as your slave driver but as your Father. After all, he gave us Jesus so we must mean something to him, right? So talk to him like he is there listening and interested and concerned. Expect him to answer you and pester him for answers until you know that he has answered you. He designed marriage and he didn’t do so to make us miserable. Make him responsible for showing you the joy in marriage.

    2. Talk to Hubby. Do you know how frustrating it is to not be able to make your person happy? I’m not with you so I probably can’t say for certain but I think that if that guy loves you at all, he knows you’re miserable and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He probably doesn’t know how to get you to talk about it and all he’s doing is praying and trusting God to get to you where you’re not letting him touch you. Talk to him about everything. Allow him to be your husband, to take responsibility to make you happy, to rejoice in seeing your face bright and your eyes reflecting all the joy in the world. Do you know that when a man loves you his greatest joy in sex is seeing you lose your mind with pleasure? For him, he’s won the jackpot every time he blows the top off of your head. You think your husband is enjoying himself? Why don’t you ask him?

    3. Commit to working it out one day at a time, one little issue at a time. You can’t build the perfect marriage in a breath. It takes the little things and the small talk. It takes getting past one argument and one fight. It takes daring to kneel together this morning, not seven mornings, just this one. It takes going one step at a time.

    4. Shut the window and stop looking outside and open the doors to your soul and let your husband’s love warm you. You need not try to love him back. Just let him love you and see what happens to your own heart.

    Please, don’t throw it all away just because it’s tough. People with pasts like yours don’t often find it easy to enjoy being loved. You tend to look for punishment because you can’t quite forgive yourself but God is already past all that you’ve done and blessed you with a man who will use his love to totally, completely heal you everywhere you’ve been broken. Let him. And I promise that you will have the most beautiful story to tell your little girl when she starts seeing boys for the first time.

    I will pray for you. May the grace of our Lord keep you.

    1. SeryxMe
      “People with pasts like yours don’t often find it easy to enjoy being loved. You tend to look for punishment because you can’t quite forgive yourself…”

      For this is more or less the problem here. First reading and I thought that she’s actually like ladies who find a good guy and think he’s too good to have their type as a partner then break the relationship to fall into the hands of a “bad boy” and think that’s what they deserve. He’ll give them adventure, all the fun and games and treat them like trash then later probably break their hearts and they’ll think that’s how life is supposed to be.

      To me, she simply sounded like she’s longing for one of those “bad boy” adventures which she’ll eventually regret very much and still end up depressed. She’s got a good man, a good home but she made the mistake of looking for happiness in things that cannot bring the exact type she wants. The happiness she wants has everything to do with her and her ability to accept her past, move past it and give herself a chance at a happy future. She probably needs to forgive herself first and know that it is okay to move on and be happy. The happiness she wants will not be found outside, it will have to be produced from the inside which is why, as a Christian, she might really need to seek the face of God like Od said.

      Do not make the mistake of thinking what you want is outside somewhere when you know deep down that what you have isn’t really the problem and should even be perfect enough for you. Your problem isn’t with your family so leaving them won’t solve much. Your problem points more to finding the peace and happiness within you. And you might actually need the help of your spouse to get there too.

    1. Kimhottie
      LOOOOOOL.

      God bless you. Saying it should be the last resort is one thing. Saying it isn’t for Christians however, is downright laughable.

        1. Uche
          God hates divorce is not equal to christians should not divorce. It is your type that will see a woman who has a wife beater for a husband and tell her to stay and pray because divorce is not an option. Or she is not Christian enough. Please.
        2. Uche
          And even what Jesus said was whoever divorces and marries. Not whoever divorces. He even said whoever divorces except on grounds on infidelity. Please Mark 10:2-12 and Matthew 19:3-12. Stop misinterpreting bible.
          1. Od
            Hi Uche. Thank you for responding. I believe with all my heart that discussion and questioning is by far better than silent unquestioning acceptance or silent unilateral rejection of ideas. As long as we keep ideas open to examination for conformity with the best and highest standards, we will continue to grow until we reach the “perfection” we all yearn for.

            First, I haven’t interpreted any Scriptures. Second, I don’t think you know me unless you have been reading me here. It might be somewhat presumptuous to assume about what type of person I am.

            About what the Scriptures say, Jesus said that one who divorces and remarries commits adultery. He also said that one who divorces causes the person he divorces to commit adultery. THEN, he said that the provisions that Moses made for divorce in the law were because of the hard hearts of the Jews, that in the beginning it was not so because God made the two to be one. In Malachi 2, God told Israel that one of the things about them that was annoying him was their divorcing their wives with no thought spared for the vows they made with them before him. That was where he said that he hates divorce. He stated what he meant and why he hated divorce. I think it’s really a stretch to say that God’s declaration of hatred of a thing does not amount to a proscription of it.

            But we don’t need to strain too hard about what the Scriptures might or might not mean in that place. We can simply look to see if it says it any more clearly somewhere else. In 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, Paul spoke of marriage at some length and answered questions about marriage including whether to marry, who we can marry, what to do when we find that we are married to unbelievers, and divorce. In that part of the letter where he talked about it, he said that believers could separate but that they could not remarry except to the spouses they separated from. That condition is not consistent with the concept of divorce. If separation does not permit you to remarry, it must mean that your marriage is still in force.

            Now, I know what I sounded like when I said that divorce is not allowed for Christians. I have argued both sides of the notion before ostensibly relying on the Bible for my convictions but if I’m being honest, I found that the grounds for believing that divorce is permitted by the Scriptures are very shaky, to put it rather mildly. The Bible actually proscribes divorce in pretty strong terms.

            But the idea that the prohibition of divorce means that people in bad marriages are doomed to stay in them is unfounded. I have just shown you that the Scriptures say that you may be separated but you cannot remarry. That means that there isn’t any Biblical reason to live with someone who abuses the rights and privileges of marriage. You should leave under those circumstances. You just can’t hook up with new people, that’s all.

          1. Od
            It does, does it? Do you take into account 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 which I mentioned or Malachi 2 which both Uche and I raised when you say so? If you are explicitly told that God’s command is this: you may separate (call it divorce, if you like) but you may not marry other people afterwards, does that sound like what divorce means to you? I think the Scriptures are not confusing on this one. There will always be people until Christ returns who abuse the privileges and rights of marriage or who break their vows and ignore their responsibilities. We are not condemned to endure them indefinitely but being free of them goes only as far as finding a new place to live, not going back to singlehood and claiming rights to find new mates. That is what the Scriptures say. If you disagree, point to any part of Scripture that says otherwise.
  3. Cavey
    I gotta say: the title doesn’t do the post justice.

    That said, I’m going to try to be practical here. The usual advise would be “pray and get closer to God” but that’s not very practical because it doesn’t exactly work that way.
    Honestly? What I think Zainab should do is to tell Jerry that she’s unhappy and make it clear that it’s not because of him or anything he’s (not) done. If he’s as understanding as she says he is, then difficult as it may, he’d understand. Then I think Zainab should separate herself from everyone for a while…a month or two (might be less) but she should just go away, so the things she loves, have adventures, discover herself and what brings her joy, all the while drawing closer to Christ and hopefully, she finds joy and purpose and meaning to life.

    1. Od
      I think she’ll find it kind of impossible to get closer to Christ while ignoring her responsibilities. It is actually possible for her to sort herself out right there in her marriage. If she must have time away, it must be clear that she will return to take care of her family. But I am quite certain that she will not find what she is looking for outside her home.
          1. Od
            I think you mean, “…like I understand her and know the answer she needs.” Otherwise, could I both be declaring that I have a problem and providing my own solution?
      1. A
        Can’t seem to reply you in the actual comment. Divorce means to legally dissolve a marriage. The definition you gave is what divorce is. The bible is not against divorce. No-one says divorce means you have to remarry. The most you can say is the bible is against re-marrying. Also, when you divorce someone, you are single so this “as far as finding a new place to live, not going back to singlehood and claiming rights to find new mates. That is what the Scriptures say.” makes no sense.
        1. Od
          Yeah, there’s a limit to the number of replies in each comment.

          That dissolution means that the marriage is no longer in force and neither party owes the other any obligations. This is contrary to the Scriptures. The Scriptures allow only a separation not a dissolution. You may move away and live somewhere else but you are still married.

          The language in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 even goes further. It says that a woman may leave her husband if she needs to but then she can only return to him if she ever wants to be with someone again. Then, it totally strips the man of every right to “divorce” or “get rid of” his wife.

          Besides, it was also in the Bible that “what God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” was said. See Mark 10. I don’t think this is complicated, complex or confusing at all. Difficult, yes, but certainly not complex or confusing.

          1. A
            The 1 Corinthians you quoted was Peter or was it Paul sharing his thoughts. He even said “not the Lord but I”. When Jesus mentioned it in some places, it is the remarriage that is the problem. Are you going to tell someone that is being abused that they should stay there because scripture says they can’t remarry? My point still remains that divorce is not against scripture; remarrying is.
          2. Od
            I don’t know what your day is like, A. You’re probably quite busy, so you might have made your response in a hurry.

            1. 1 Corinthians was written by Paul. That you think it may have been Peter suggests that you’re not very familiar with the Bible. Peter wrote only two letters in the Bible and they both bear his name.

            2. In 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, Paul stated explicitly that the commands he had were from the Lord not from him.

            3. You have simply disregarded every single thing I’ve said to draw your conclusions. Your claim about abuse especially ignored what solution I offered from the Bible. In fact, I suspect that you simply didn’t read my responses regarding that at all. For the benefit of those who may follow this exchange, I’ll say it again. Separation is possible and allowed, but not divorce. In the case of abuse, the abused is not condemned to stay until they are dead or utterly broken. They may leave for their own health’s sake but divorce is not an option.

            Have a good weekends, A. It was educating talking to you.

    1. Od
      I’d say probably not. But it is many people’s experience so we might as well treat it like it is. You never know who’s reading and thinking, “hey, that’s me. That’s exactly what I’m going through right now.”
  4. Princess
    Pathetic, but then, Zainab needs to study her bible, she needs to let God in, she feels so empty cos of the void in her that needs to be filled, let her stop punishing herself believing it’s because she doesn’t live her man, her man is a good guy like she said and she is also a good person for not making his life miserable, all the misery is suffered by her cos of her imaginations. If she give herself the chance to live, trusting totally in the beauty of the union, she would be shocked at the sudden transformation.
  5. Wisdom
    You can’t do without God, just as you cannot do without air you breath. In whatever situation you find yourself don’t run from God, but run to Him.
    God has Blessed you materially that in everything around you, you are fine but your Spiritual & marriage Live which patterneth to your Soul and Spirit everlasting fulfilment and love, you are not growing but being depressed.
    My advice:
    1- Pray to God Seeking Help to overcome that carnal temptation as your major challenge that is warring against your Soul and Happiness.
    2- Even as you pray to God by ask, Seeking and Knocking, Be Open to your Husband.
    3- To possess your possession is by “Deliverance” to be disconnected from the World; because the love of the world is enmity with God. So DELIVANCE is key Obadiah 1:17. Look for a living Church where your Deliverance is Sure.
  6. Afroflare
    Unfortunately from the write-up, your depression is rooted in the feeling of inadequacy, which led to the pressure to get married and the expectation that the marriage would end any sense of loneliness you felt, not in the marriage itself. If you walk away from the marriage now, the feeling of inadequacy would still remain, as it was there before you met your husband.

    Communication helps a lot. I think you should first talk with your husband as OD suggested, the man you have described, listens to you and tries his best to make sure you are comfortable. He chose to marry you, even though you feel there were better option because in his eyes you are the best option.
    Asides your husband, you can find someone who you respect and look up to to talk to, or professional help/counselling if you feel more comfortable talking to a stranger.

    No one can truly understand you or make you love yourself, you can’t just snap out of it and there isn’t one magical moment which is going to come and wipe away all the sorrow. A lot of times when we get depressed we make the mistake of withdrawing from people and clamming up. We should rather hang around people that love us even though we don’t feel like talking, sometimes just their presence and knowing how much they love and appreciate us helps.

    You need to stop being hard on yourself and try to get more active.

  7. Timmy
    Babe your story is yours and all I see is ppl telling you what they think you should do some according to earthly wisdom and some well let just say need more God given sense. I as a person feel you need a break from your life as you know it, me no talk divorce oh just take a leave of absence from every and anything as you know it and go on a vacation “how zainab got her groove back” in d few months you take get lost in all you fink would truly have made u happy. If after doing all this you realize how much u miss everything back home then go home if otherwise then kindly remain incommunicado that way your loss would be dealt with more easily by the lives your choice would affect. BUT THEN AGAIN WAT DO I KNOW
  8. Olamii
    Well except I did not read the piece well enough, I didn’t see a part of it where she stated having an ugly past that hunts her presently. The lady this piece depicts, just feels an emptiness created out of the lack mutual feeling she can’t seem to reciprocate to her seemingly perfect husband. Its not like it wasn’t at some point heaven on earth in that marriage, its just piece to re-ignite the spark that set the marriage alive again that she really crave.
    She has tried all other means that she thought could help but to no avail, so she feels empty the more. The sex aint it, I think she feels some guilt for something not obvious, her self esteem seem damaged, she is depressed as you all highlighted, she seem not into this “love thing”. I could go on.
    I will suggest sincerely that she talk to her husband and pour out her mind, from what her husband look like in this article, he is the kind that can lend a heart. She also need to take time out on her own to discover herself and get her self worth back. Lastly, the place of God is paramount and it should be over everything.

    Peace!!!!!

  9. Miz
    Ok…..The only sad part about this post is the poor kid (and others that may follow) who has to be raised feeling like she has done something wrong because her mum doesn’t love her. Reading through the post, and I did this twice to be sure, the only thing I can hear is a whining spoilt child who is bored.

    From what I can tell, you have never really done anything on your own, by yourself. You say you’re not career driven and your ‘job’ is running a charity, which I’m pretty sure is a ‘job’ your parents got/set up for you. Your parents paid for a wedding you wanted because at 26 you were desperate (your words not mine), under pressure from them to marry and all your ‘real’ friends were already married so you were getting lonely. Your dad is available for shopping expenses but not family issues. You have a nanny taking care of your child so you can lie in bed and pretend your life is one big plot in an episode of Greys Anatomy. You said it yourself, you have a seemingly perfect life through no effort of yours.

    The part that actually made me laugh each time was when you mentioned that you have waited for some big life event that has never happened. Sweetheart, if I calculated correctly you’re like 29 years old, do you know how many life events are yet to come? You’re older than me and me sef I know that there are years and years of life’s moments ahead.

    So, while you MAY be depressed, I think before you jump to that conclusion just because your favorite character on whatever Netflix show you’re binge watching while you’re holed up in your room is also depressed, you may want to consider the possibility that you’re just a spoilt kid who is slowly easing into adulthood and is finding it boring because it’s getting harder and requires a little more effort.

    Chin up luv! You’ll live

  10. Uche
    Let me just say the comments here are the reason why it never makes sense to me to come and be broadcasting my issues on one agony aunt column. You people are just giving generic ideas. How many people have you given these ideas and they’ve worked for. Some have dissected her situation and figured she’s the problem and so on. *sigh. Maybe she just wanted to pour out her heart without collecting advice and Condemnation. What do I know?
  11. Raymond
    The comment section to express ideas and views on the post or an audition to hijack Efe’s job by any means necessary?

    I confuse…

  12. dapo
    death isn’t such a bad option. not everything that’s broken can be fixed. sometimes, a person is broken. if a person can be permanently physically handicapped, not such a leap to expect the mind can also be affected so.
      1. dapo
        I’m not giving her advise. Advise can’t fix her. Can’t help her. She’s the only one who can. I only pointed out that death is an option. Maybe the thought of the finality that death represents will cause her to think of reasons to be interested in the things around her. either way, a decision would be made.
  13. Timmy
    loved ur perspective, d fact no two ppl completely thinks alike is why we appreciate d next human mind, that said Ure talking of a child that if she remains with may end up worse than the mother or far worse dead b4 she’s old enough to make her own mistakes to learn from them. I asked her to take a French leave from her life since she apparently has the means to do so, nd the length of time is till she gets her groove back which if she never gets back is still ok for the child, we’ll just tell her the mom died while she was young no need to drag her through all the drama considering d child never asked to be born nor made a victim of any of the parents insecurity. Still what do I know. ?
  14. Ufuomaee
    I don’t know if this is a true story or fiction, but I feel very sad for the lady, and for her husband and child! It does appear to me that she had everything going for her, and her problem is her perspective. You can be a queen, and still be suicidal…and be a poor person who loves life…even the long trips to the well!

    I think the fundamental problem is the lack of a personal relationship with God. God is really the only one that can help her through this. She needs to be honest with God first…and I believe, she also needs to speak honestly with her husband about how she is feeling (after praying about it), and they will need marriage guidance. But if she doesn’t have her own relationship with God, she isn’t a Christian…and as such, divorce means nothing more than a cultural stain to her…but it would be heart-wrenching for her husband.

    Choose God dear! You are a queen…and you have been so blessed. So many women wish for a husband such as yours. You can love him too, but you have to start with yourself.

    Best wishes!

  15. Kelechi Ochulo
    Oh how I wish this were fiction! Sadly, if this is real, no amount of wishing would change that. so here goes, my own suggestion on how I feel you can begin to make things better.

    One, while the cause of depression can be hard to pinpoint at times, it is most times a response to things we are not happy about. So, I suggest you go on a retreat. Somewhere you can relax, be away from stress and external pressures while thinking about you and what you really want to do with your life.

    Then, I suggest you consider if there is anything you want to do, anything at all that would make you happy, that remaining married to Jerry would prevent you from doing. If there are none, then I do not feel there is any reason to end the marriage as your current feelings can change at anytime. if you feel constrained by the marriage in any way, there is still no need to end it in a hurry as the cages of marriage in form of human constructs and cliches that society has adopted as standard for all married people does not have to apply to you. I suggest you discuss it with Jerry then, he seems a sensitive person and I’m sure suitable agreements can be reached.

    I apologize in advance as this might sound silly, but do you have a bucket list? At this time when it’s like life has no meaning, I suggest you make and keep one. Perhaps, waking up every morning with the thought of what item on your list to fulfill during the day, might create a euphoria which would keep you going for the next few weeks.

    Speaking of euphoria, I suggest that while you search or wait patiently for your healing, you find a means of escape from your troubles in the mean time. Now this issue of escape is a tricky one. It can be either destructive or constructive, not ruling out the fact that it can be both at the same time. So i suggest you give careful thought to this one.

    I suggest your choice be one where there is no real harm to yourself and others both now and in the future. Some personal favorites of mine include, a good book, engaging in service projects/charity, playing games, travelling and watching funny movies.

    Note that what works for me might not work for you, but then again it just might, so please just be willing to try.

    Finally, talking to God does help. Though it might not feel or seem like much help at the moment it does. Give your burden to him. And you do not have to crack your head in a bid to construct an elaborate prayer, as he hears and answers all sincere prayers. What is a sincere prayer? to me it is one which correctly relates your current feelings. And unlike most humans, he won’t judge you. really he won’t. This isn’t that time yet. I understand that you might really not feel like praying, if so you can tell close friends or family to pray for you. You do not have to tell them why unless you feel like it. My church has a prayer roll where you can write down your name and volunteers just pray for you, you can make use of something like this if available.

    I know that there are various means to an end. If this is not the means suitable to you that is no problem. Make sure you are doing you and not just what is expected of you in any area of life.

    please remember, find what it is that would make you happy, count the cost, and go for it. and don’t you ever forget, Life is worth living. You are loved. My best wishes, I would be praying for you.

  16. K. Rukia
    Worst comment section on TNC ever. Talk to God, talk to God. This is why Zainab said at the end that Christians are not allowed to be depressed. Seems like most of the commenters think Zainab’s depression is as a result of her not being a “‘good Christian’ and talking to God like she should. If God cares about Zainab so much, why doesn’t he talk to her himself? Oh, I forgot, that was Old Testament God. New Testament God doesn’t talk.

    Babe is depressed and needs to talk it out with a shrink, a pastor, her sister, her husband, whoever will understand. But she needs to talk to a human being biko.

  17. Zainab's ghost from the past
    I know this reply is coming years after the post but if zainab can see this, she should seek medical h. This could/would have been me, i dont know. I am 24. I am depressed and recently thought of taking my own life. Yes I have a past and yes i have a present and i might even have a future but everything just seemed bleak and meaningless and I couldnt care less who i hurt or who loves me or who doesnt. Yes things r hard compared to zainab’s rosy life, I have a job i hate, i pay my way through pgd, i have a business that isnt bringing me so much money, people owing me left and right i am rich in abstract. I am to move out of my current accomodation by end of march i have no idea where to move to, I have a shell of a phone I carry around i know people laugh at me and see me as deadbeat ngbeke trying to look like original..bla bla bla, this is all minus the emotional issues, daddy issues, abuse issues..I keep thinking a car would fix this, money will fix this, a man will fix this, hey maybe i will have my own child i can give my love to and that will fix this emptiness i feel..reading ur story, i guess now it won’t..i have talked to bae and he has been supportive although i know deep down he’s tired of a mentally unstable person like me..but i do know i need professional help, just like you. There are drugs u can use to make urself feel better and happier. I researched everything(google is my friend). The fault is not the things around you, the fault is inside you. And if u dont fix yourself u will ruin the people around you and lose the people who could have helped you the most. Please see a shrink. Please. Some can see u for free, i guess..Please do not lleave that man that loves you. He probably sees through all ur crap, u just think he doesnt, but if he loves u just as broken as u are now, he will stand by u to see that u are fixed. Ignore these ignoramus shouting divorce, divorce is not the issue here, it is ur depression, fix that, and you will see that ur life is indeed beautiful. Thanks for this post, now I know for sure I should contact that shrink lady that gave me her number. I dont want to be like u when im 28!
  18. Mich A
    Sad really. She’s in a place she’s not supposed to be. All decisions she took leading up to the marriage were faulty. That’s not her kinda man and she knows it. She probably feels like she’s in a hole cuz she can’t express fully what she wants to. Ending the marriage won’t bring much succour. What she can do though is to be herself and stop pretending to be what she’s not and she talk about all these with her man. She needs that little bit of spice, fun and maybe even some space, but definitely not a divorce.
  19. Pingback: Depression, the Devil, and Serotonin - DamiLoves

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