The Aftermath

Opinion

Dear ….. Erm, I don’t quite know what to call you now I’ve held this pen for quite a while now, dithering over what to write. I’ve always wanted to explain everything that happened a little better, but how do I start? You see, I have absolutely no experience with heart break considering that I…

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Dear ….. Erm, I don’t quite know what to call you now

I’ve held this pen for quite a while now, dithering over what to write. I’ve always wanted to explain everything that happened a little better, but how do I start?

You see, I have absolutely no experience with heart break considering that I have practically no history with relationships but I can totally imagine your present state of mind. I can imagine the hurt, disappointment, anger, the possible hatred and feelings of betrayal.

And yeah, I know, I caused them all.

I remember the night I dropped the ‘bombshell’ of wanting out. Even though I don’t think it should have been a bombshell, for it was a long time coming, I don’t expect it was any easier for you to handle. I was just too much of a coward to admit that I’d wanted out for quite a while and I did not quite know how to finesse the exit and not look terrible about it.

I’m sure your most prevalent question, right now, is ‘Why?’ Why did I leave? I know if you could find a way to ask me that question, without seeming desperate, you would. With that in mind, I can give you my answer now, before you ask; I don’t know. I absolutely do not.

I can’t explain how I came to not be thrilled anymore when you make those clowning, South Park themed jokes that used to get me in stiches. How did I lose total interest in embarking on road trips with you, when it used to be the highlight of my admittedly infrequent vacations?

Remember when you’d tell me I was an amateur in the kitchen, and then you’ll waltz in and prepare those mouth-watering, delicious dishes that made my house a main stay for the guys on weekends and public hols? I remember your veggie stew with ‘long throat’. I used to love your cooking. I still do, to be honest. I just wasn’t enthused anymore to try to spend time with you in the kitchen while you worked your magic.

Remember how we’d forgo Friday night Turn-ups to stay in and catch up on old movies? Yes, I admit, I enjoyed lying down to watch chick flicks with you. And cuddle. I used to want to spend every moment with you. Where did that go?

I just watched the closing Ceremony of the Rio Olympics. I remember when we were giddy, watching the Copacabana beach scenes during the World cup two years ago, and swearing that we’d watch the Olympics together, live in Rio this year. Funny, we could just have afforded it right now. Life happens eh?

I could not explain it either, when I’d look at you now through the eyes of my friends and not feel an immediate oomph added to my swag. Remember how proud I used to be upon seeing the envy in their eyes? And how I’d smirk, preen and remark to myself, ‘yeah, that’s all mine’. When we’d dance and it would immediately become an exhibition for everyone else watching, and people would exclaim, ‘Ah, relationship goals.’ Yes, I still hate that goals word. But how the hell did all that wear off?

I can’t answer any of these questions, but I can definitely assure you of two things;

First, I didn’t give up easily. I tried. Not just because I wanted to stay so much, after all, you’ve been the best thing that happened to me recently, but also because I want to believe I wasn’t destined to end up alone, as I’ve always suspected. Remember the break? I wanted to miss you then. I tried to, so bad, but, again, life happens.

And no, there isn’t someone else. There never was. And this epistle isn’t to exorcise my demons so I could move on to someone else. Nope. You’ve set the bar way too high and probably no one, bar say, Angelina Jolie (remember we love her?) could even attempt to measure up. I mean, if I couldn’t stay with someone as awesome as you, who would I stay with?

I mean, who else would tell me on phone to say hi to my truck, and tell it that you miss it?

Damn, I really didn’t deserve you. Sally was right. I really am so jaded, I’m Jade itself

I still don’t know what to call you. I hate to acknowledge that I would one day use the word ‘ex’ to refer to you. I’m not ready for that, even though I know it has to happen.

Anyway, I hope this finds you well.

Yours ever in love,

(I don’t know, what do you call me now?)

Responses

  1. Jules
    I read through a couple hours ago. My first comment was blocked due to “offensiveness” of my language. Get your ish together. If you loved her you would have tried harder. Stop with the “wounded artist, tortured soul, I don’t know how I got here bull crap” I still love you, I don’t love you, I’ll always love you gimmicks”.
  2. U2
    This is sad in a beautiful way. I love reading first-person-pronoun pieces. Those that understand it never cease to amaze me with their pieces. Its beautiful, Buchi. Really beautiful.
  3. Gemini
    I have to be sincere. I feel some kinda way about this writeup. Yes, it was beautifully written but why do I feel you had left because you hadn’t found her “good enough” contrary to what you’ve written: “I don’t deserve you” ? I think that you had employed that cliche to feel better for having left without any reason?

    I’m not trying to play a Sigmund Freud, and I sincerely do think you don’t deserve her. It’s just that I think you think she doesn’t deserve you instead.

  4. Larz
    and it is very possible for two great people to be unable to make relationship work. The smart thing to do is to admit to yourself that it is not working (even if u don’t know why) and walk away.

    The cruel thing to do is to hang in there an d wait for them to make a mistake and dump them burdening them with the belief that they screwed up instead. Or even worse to stick around and start becoming resentful towards them.

    I have been the girl in the story above n yes it wasn’t pretty but i got over it. Of all my exes I prbly respected him the most for his honesty n for not wasting my time.

  5. zelda
    i actually thought it was my “EX” writing this especially the veggie stew part but the Olympics part set it straight. i kind of understand you here, two amazing relationship goal-ish people may just not work…you just no longer feel it. like a hug, there’s some you feel and others you don’t.
  6. Figlia della terra
    Don’t know how I stumbled onto this but talk about the universe speaking to you. On the verge of a break up from a once great love ( or so it seemed) I’m unfortunately, still the one in love but I realise I have to be the one to “end” it. He never will, but he’s not happy and is not in love (or maybe even in-like) with me was he ever? I don’t know. Maybe the idea of us. But I’ve ways let myself feel what I feel and enjoy my moments. He’s always called me a bit of a hippie☺.
    I’m already heartbroken about it, because the signs are so clear. But I can’t stay in something that will have me second guessing every step, wondering if I’m in the wrong about …. everything & nothing.
    I hate the cowardice, him not coming out to say it, but I’m not sadistic & my self preservation has kicked in, so…. I’m jumping ship.
    This was beautifully & poignantly written. Grazie
  7. Butterflymind
    Hmmm don’t know what to say.
    Don’t understand why people drift and leave others heartbroken. Never quite got it, even after I watched someone drift; after I watched myself struggle with thoughts of my own self-worth.

    So Buchi, I’d love to say this is good writing, but it takes me back to the time my first love became my first heartbreak.

    When someone says, “but you ended it”, I tell them that just because you ended it doesn’t mean it’ll hurt any less.

    **Maybe someday I’ll write about this.

    1. Buchi Post author
      I don’t know what to say. Don’t know whether to apologise to all of you for making you all relive experiences, or be happy it resonates with y’all.

      Anyways, thanks for reading.

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