This is a topic i had never spoken about. The rape was not even reported at my home because I was scared I would be bitten for playing with boys or even playing with the flower I was told never to touch. The shame of the story circulating in the community because the parents would tell everybody
Years have passed by and the experience is never forgotten. It is not really that i do not want to forget it but it’s how this topic is part of our lives. When women get together for drinks or anything they discuss their experiences and unfortunately I am one person who shy’s away from this topic because there is nothing to share really and I do not want the world to end up discussing me.
We were sitting with the girls obviously discussing men and how we play. We started discussing our first encounters and sharing the stupid things that happened to us engaging with boys who already had experience and some were as dump as we were. It was really funny how each girl had a story to tell to the bunch, I was just sitting there listening and laughing. I had no story attached to my name, not because I was a virgin but because I was raped.
This is a topic I had never spoken about. The rape was not even reported at my home because I was scared I would be bitten for playing with boys or even playing with the flower I was told never to touch. The shame of the story circulating in the community because the parents would tell everybody and the police being involved and everything. Virginity is the pride of the girl child but I had none anymore, everyone would know I was no longer a virgin. All these thoughts came to mind and much more. I was young upcoming gospel musician. The community envied us, there was no way I was letting my family down.
Basically, all I knew about being deflowered was pain, bleeding and being sick for days. From that day I started noticing how severe my periods became and I would spend the whole five days in hospital and in a drip. I do not remember the pleasure and climax everyone seems to be talking about. I guess, I would not feel that from the pain and fight I had to put on while he enjoyed himself. That moment of pleasure was taken away from me. Even now in my adulthood I struggle with finding the pleasure and that one thing that satisfies every person.
Virginity back in the days was something to be proud about and every young women would boost of it. I would find myself in a tight corner with no one to talk to. I felt discriminated yet I would not talk about it. I slipped into depression, looking at myself and feeling shame. I was thinking to myself now that I no longer have my pride I am no longer one of the girls, I just did not qualify. The boy who raped me, told all his peers how he had his way with me. All the boys were talking and laughing about it. It became a known story with different versions. I prayed everyday that our paths do not meet. I became an enemy of my own progress.
Unfortunately for him, he never lived to see me achieving my goals and overcoming victimization. I chose to be silent and not talk but celebrate the person I have become and help other women around it. I know what it feels like to be a victim. It always kills you because you destruct yourself before anyone else does. All you see is a broken person and forget your worth and strongest points.
I really do not have an idea of what the first time brings or feels like. All I know is what it feels like now and the things I feel. I cannot turn back the hands of time but I can choose how I want to live my life and celebrate the women I am past my experience. I wish he lived to see me today maybe he would have asked for forgiveness by now. I forgive him and I pray he is resting in peace.