What Counts As a Deal-breaker on a Date?

Opinion

He came. We met. It ended. You say you love someone. You want to be with them. Establish a long lasting relationship. You guys have been talking for some time and now you want to meet. And you show up half-drunk. To say I was disappointed would be me making an understatement. Who does that?…

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He came. We met. It ended.

You say you love someone. You want to be with them. Establish a long lasting relationship. You guys have been talking for some time and now you want to meet. And you show up half-drunk. To say I was disappointed would be me making an understatement. Who does that? And why?

For the purpose of this article, let’s call him D. So D and I got talking last year when a mutual friend did the hookup. He gave him my digits and we started communicating: calls, texts and all that jazz. The first day we spoke for hours, it was like we’d known each for years! I was floored. And we continued like that until four months later. I return home from uni for the holidays and we agreed to meet. Face to face. Prior to this, the whole time I was in school and we were talking, he was already asking me out. We were both coming out of messy relationships. We had that in common. Relationships that lasted for years, yet ended badly. So we were looking for a fresh start and being that we both are hopeless romantics, we needed something serious. Real. But I kept stalling. I already knew what the answer would be. I just needed things to be done properly. We’ve both seen pictures of each other but that wasn’t enough. So I asked him to wait until I got back. Then I did.

We agreed he’d come see me and we could hang out and talk. And he came. And so did the surprises. He was taller than I thought; don’t get me wrong, I like a tall drink of water. So there he was at 6pm – tall, dark and handsome. But more importantly, tipsy. You heard right. When I perceived the smell of alcohol in his breath, I told myself I was just imagining things. I didn’t want to believe. But, reality check, he was half-drunk. I mentioned it and he explained: his line work, which has to do with being around celebs and entertainers, demands that such things happen. A few bottles now and again. He came from work to see me so, go figure…

I was already in love with D. Somewhere between our long conversations, silly jokes and lots of laughter, I fell hook, line and sinker. I didn’t see it coming. They say love picks you by the short hairs and jerks you. Touchè.

I really wished things were different. The scenario was different. He was sober. First impressions matter. I took great effort in showing up nicely. Why didn’t he? I was confused. I know there are no hard and fast rules to dating. D portrayed what I wanted in my ideal partner but showing up like that on our first date made me see him in a different light. That was just a deal-breaker.

What do you guys think? If you found yourself in a similar situation, how would you handle it? Perhaps, I should have been more understanding? I still think of him, though I made it clear we couldn’t remain friends. That would only make the healing process difficult as we were both heartbroken. Again.

Responses

  1. Cavey
    Read this with my heart hammering ‘cos I just submitted something similar and I was praying it wasn’t the more of the same. Thankfully, yours is different. 😅

    To be honest, it’s different strokes for different folks. We each have our own (weird) dealbreakers and yours was his showing up drunk. I’m tempted to ask if he was DRUNK or if he’d just had a few drinks but I won’t ‘cos like I said, different strokes. What I do know I’d have done if I were in your shoes is to first, know if he’s drunk or just had some devil’s juice. If it’s the former, I’d put my ‘upsetness’ on the back burner and have some fun, tease him and all that (It’s not exactly a first date afterall, I already fancy him) then when I’m home (or another time), I’d tell him I wasn’t thrilled with the way he showed up to our ‘first date’. If it’s the latter and he’d just indulged in drinks and wasn’t drunk, I’d enjoy my date and then later (since if I’m you, I still don’t like that he’d been drinking), tell him he may think you’re being too fussy but you didn’t like that he had alcohol in his system prior to meeting you. Summarily, if I were you, dear Rosie, I wouldn’t squash all the feelings I have for me because of how he turned up, it’s how he reacts to me expressing how I felt that would determine if it ends on not.Posted from TNC Mobile

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    1. Osasu Elaiho
      Brilliant response as always from you my good sir. I can’t think of anything to add to your direct response on Rosie’s reaction to her date’s failings.

      That aside, I have realised that “deal breakers” really come in many forms. A lot of people talk about what they can and can’t deal with but as in the case of Rosie, most times you don’t see it coming and for the most part you won’t know what you can or can’t handle until you’re faced with the situation.

      I once knew a girl who said she couldn’t stand a guy that cheats. A relationship later and she was dating a guy who cheated on her but she stayed because she loved him and because he wasn’t “exactly a bad guy”.

      The situation becomes even more dicey when it now ends up in a married home and you have to wonder whether you should stay regardless or keep hopping from one marriage to the other until you find the one person that has no “deal breaking attributes”.

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  2. Jojo
    Yeah, I wish you had chilled a little bit on totally erasing his existence off your mind. But I completely understand how it feels when you paint a picture of how something is suppose to go and it ends up going south. A real nerve wrecker!!! You’ll find love again, you’ll see!
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  3. thetoolsman
    I’m firmly against what I call senseless compromise – especially in long term relationships. Senselessly compromising makes nonsense of dealbreakers but thats talk for another day. I’m also not a big fan of stereotypes. Because I’m quite open minded, I like forming my own opinion about things/people because well, I think it’s the logical thing to do.

    So you’ve been chatting D for months and everything was fine and dandy and he showed up at your first meeting “tipsy” and thats it? Jus lai dat? What a wawu. You concluded by saying you still think of though and I wonder why you’re punishing yourself this way. Perhaps understanding isn’t the right word here but if anything, because of the bond you’ve formed over those months, I think the poor dude deserved another shot. I’d have met him and politely excused myself to return to the comfort of whatever channel y’all were using to communicate before to express my disappointment. Whatever happens after then would then guide my actions.

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  4. Jagz
    The bosses have said it all.

    Different strokes.

    But you should have explored more. I always believe there is a story behind why people do what they do.

    It’s my thinking that it perhaps you really like him as much as you say, you should have cared enough to explore his side of the story. Maybe Baba was looking for morale to face you.

    I would have said you should stop breaking both your hearts and work things out because I think your actions are sha harsh…

    But I understand how you feel and you’re doing what you think is best because; different strokes for different folks.

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  5. Dickson
    I think he deserves credit for showing up in his current state of being. That way; you get see the HE behind the veil.
    I think one of the problems of today’s datingsphere is that we mask too much.
    Once I went to see a female friend unannounced and I called from the gate whether I could proceed or otherwise. She was slightly embarassed cos she was sweating,messy and all. She had just finished cleaning her house.
    I told her how comfortable it is for me to see her when she isn’t her best. Hitherto, I had only seen her when she is all put together and when I saw her in that state for the 1st time, I was pleased.
    I sat with her, we chatted and had a good laugh. I even offered to join her in cleaning. She declined.
    Life is simple enough…let us not complicate it.
    Back to your issue dear writer, he showed up drunk…now you know one thing about him: he drinks….eirher you are fine with it or otherwise but now you know for certain.
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  6. Ada
    I think its better you didn’t find out late as he came with his “real” self . A great encouragement in helping you decide if you could deal with being with a potential drunk. Well I hope that’s not his way of testing how much you can take sha
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