Too Strong For Too Long

Opinion

We pamper our men in every way. We sort out their clothes in the morning, all laid out before they wake up. All they have to do is stand up, have their bath and get dressed. Please note that the wife is also a working mother, who needs to get the kids ready before the nanny comes, pack their lunchbox, and get herself ready for work to ensure she clocks in before 8am.

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A lot of ladies go into marriage telling themselves they will be the best that they can be. We hear so many bad stories before getting married and we insist ours will be different.  We go above and beyond in making this a reality. We strive to be the best cook, driver, nanny, teacher, mentor, professional and above all a whore in bed.

We pamper our men in every way. We sort out their clothes in the morning, all laid out before they wake up. All they have to do is stand up, have their bath and get dressed. Please note that the wife is also a working mother, who needs to get the kids ready before the nanny comes, pack their lunchbox, and get herself ready for work to ensure she clocks in before 8am. (Yes believe me some women actually go above and beyond)

She gets home in time to make his dinner because she is one of those ladies who believe in making their husband’s food, just because… effectiveness. Lol right?

She’s on her feet sometimes for two hours after getting home, but remember, she needs to supervise the kids homework and sign it. She doesn’t even have a problem with the kids.

Over the weekend, she barely gets three hours of rest, she does the kids’ laundry (yes its a washing machine and all—rolls eyes—but its still tiring). Sunday is for church and just before she says “let me take a nap,” it’s time to get things ready for the week. What does he do all weekend? Watch TV, check social media for updates, sometimes play with the kids. She sorts out breakfast lunch and dinner.

This is a true life story.

12 years of her doing this, now, once in a while, asks her husband to help get the kids ready for school for one reason or the other—even if its to brush their teeth—to just show some interest and help with homework when he gets home early.

Here’s why she decided to share this story: it has really gotten bad; he eats and gets up from the dinning table without even taking his plate to the kitchen. Its not like he forgets they don’t have a live-in nanny. Does she have to pack and clean up after him? Is that really how its meant to be?

Did she over pamper her husband? Should she have been like everyone else and tried to share responsibilities? Don’t we have men out there who help around the house without being asked? Men who see that their wife is tired and tell her to put her feet up? Just a little help is all she ever needs. Is she asking for too much?

Responses

  1. DEE
    some men have sent their conscience on an extended vacation and some of us women are enabling them. If you are in this position, it is about time you help him bring that conscience home and don’t tell me how if you aren’t wearing the shoes, you can’t know how and where it pinches. If I am a super woman, you sure as hell can be my super man or at least Clark Kent (he at least had his uses).
    When a woman does everything for a man (sans wipe his ass, afi 100 yards wife material) just so she can be wifed, she best be ready to continue that in marriage. Best to keep it real so he knows what he’s getting into.
  2. HOLMES
    Shout out to all the super wives and mom out there…and also for the ones trying their best to be one…
    Yea, we exist…meant the ones
  3. K.O.H.
    The present narrative favours men beautifully. Little accountability, minimum involvement in family life, etc. Most times, he has no idea about how much he’s missing out on getting involved in all of that and sadly, he doesn’t want to be bothered.
    But before you bring out the kegs of petrol, sticks and tyres to burn him, take a moment to look inward. Do some reflection. Did this man raise himself to be the way he has become? Was there no influence from external parties along the way? We know the answers to these questions and the questions themselves aren’t “poor excuses for bad behaviour”. They’re meant to provide insight and a different perspective.
    Have you ever wondered why boys and girls are generally raised differently? Have you ever wondered why boys are treated as special and our fathers, uncles, brothers, MOTHERS, SISTERS and AUNTS all play important roles in propagating this sense of entitlement? Morality, conscience and the quest for the greater good aside, you can’t really fault the fathers, uncles and brothers for helping sustain a system of behaviours that favour them. Not every man is gonna be the bigger person and request to be more accountable, make effort to be more involved with his family {apart from dropping money} and generally do more to help his woman when he has not been raised/taught or required to do so. That’s “over syllabus”.
    On the flip side, what have the mothers, sisters and aunts have to say in their own defense? As victims in this particular instance, what have they done to arrest the situation? Are they not culpable in raising selfish, entitled boys who become boyfriends, lovers and husbands? These questions speak to mothers especially as more often than not, they’re more involved in raising kids and instilling values in them. The average man, like the typical Nigerian politician, will not flip the script on himself or change a narrative that favours him without resistance. That is the cold, hard truth.
    The above has subsisted over time and women’s approach to it hasn’t changed much. And so I ask myself and I ask whoever wants to listen; are women really interested in switching things up or they’re more interested in moping and playing the victim? A big part of me hopes changing the narrative is what our women really want. You see, it’ll gladden me to see the lives of our daughters, female friends, lovers, wives and mothers improve. And it’s very doable.
    So let’s simplify things, accept the truth that our society is misogynistic and for a brief moment assume all men to be scum. Misogyny should be challenged and the scum should be reversed. Junior needs to be taught and understand that he’s part of ensuring the smooth running of the house. He should be involved in chores and should know he’s not superior to his sisters. Seun needs show Danladi, her boyfriend that a cool guy is self sufficient and knows how to take care of himself without burdening his woman. And Chinwe should ensure that Akpan, her fiance looks forward to bathing their kids and getting them ready for school as much as he would love Arsenal, his favourite team to play and win the Champions League final.
    Generally, a King and his Queen have clearly different “job descriptions” to a master and his self appointed slave. He’s no King if you’re no different from a slave. So women, please be the change you crave.
    1. Asake
      This is such an amazing response, its so good it could be edited as a separate story.
      I sure hope some of us can pick the salient points from your comments and strive to be better.
      Everyone is a contributor one way or another to the how children are raised, let us try and endure boys are taught from an early stage that helping around the house is as important as the girl child
    2. Asake

      This is such an amazing response, its so good it could be edited as a separate story.
      I sure hope some of us can pick the salient points from your comments and strive to be better.
      Everyone is a contributor one way or another to the how children are raised, let us try and endure boys are taught from an early stage that helping around the house is as important as the girl child
  4. Bkd
    You rock .
    I’ve really had it with these women and their victim-playing attitudes.
    Until they take it upon themselves to change the narrative, they shouldn’t expect the menfolk to do so. This is my issue with “feminist”. It’s either they don’t know what they want or just plain lazy to get what they want.
    I’ve said it time and time again, the first thing to do is to do away with tradition/religion as we have it, then you’re on the right part to achieve gender equality. Otherwise, everything else is bs.
    1. Asake
      Dear BKD, please know that changing the narrative requires everyone playing their part. And it starts from as little as teaching your son some basic things, lets all try and help the future wives, let us groom male children who will grow up helping their wives around the house without feeling like they’re being punished… as it is, we have already failed with this generation so unto the next
      1. Bkd
        I don’t totally agree. I think mothers should raise their daughters to think differently because they take bigger blame in this. Mothers raise their daughters to believe that’s it’s their place to serve men(read husbands). Have you not noticed how ladies go out of their way to impress bfs/prospective husbands and in laws by always cooking and cleaning etc? They try so hard to prove how homely they can be as wives because that’s how their mothers raised them. So how then do you expect the man not go with the script?
        The only time men can begin to change their mentality is when women can ask men out, propose to men, do away with bride prices, etc
        I’m not sure I worded this right but I hope you get the point I’m trying to make.
        All I’m saying is that women are even more complicit in this nArrative than the men.
        1. Asake
          Yes i agree with this perspective…. but is it okay to ask that the fathers also work with the mothers to achieve this? Parenting is a collective effort…
  5. Larz
    I can’t relate with this.

    I decided a long time ago that i wasn’t going to be a super woman. The only chore my husband does not do much of is cooking. Left to him, we will eat steamed veg with grilled fish, indomie, pancakes and pasta and I like variety (experimenting with cooking).

    I know a coupl of my female friends who say they don’t trust their hubby to care for their children. Then proceed to say they are burnt out. When you suggest they share their responsibilities with their hubby, it is like you ask for the unthinkable. All women learn to cook, and care for their kids which means if you let your men, they can do the same.

    You hear of a guy who dates or marries a woman that does everything for him but he leaves her and dates or marry another who doesn’t,
    Guess what, the man still survives. In fact, in most cases, he is happier for it because he is an integraal part of the family. He feels valued and needed.

    1. Asake
      LOL @larz you sure go it figured out early in life, not a lot of people are that lucky. In some cases its not about trusting the husband with babysitting, some men don’t even make themselves available for that opportunity… lol.
  6. Ope
    Just seeing this write up and decided to share my experience. I am the only boy of my mom and she always say cos I am male doesn’t mean I can’t help around the house. There’s virtually nothing I cannot do by myself. Virtually no dish I cannot make. However, my experience with ladies has made me conclude that most often than not the women are the architect of their own woes. Most of the ladies I have been involved with see it as weak cos I hardly allow anyone do chores for me. You come visiting, I won’t allow you do most chores cos I would have done them anyway. I’ll go to the market, prepare a meal. Wash plates. Sweep. I won’t wait for you simply cos you’re my girlfriend. But you know what amazes me is that they take that for weakness and take it for granted. Don’t get me Wong these ladies aren’t the lazy type but cos I don’t act like the ‘normal’ male who demands that they do these chores when they are around, it is seen as a flaw. Tell me what is more reinforcing of patriarchy than that.

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