V: Conversation With Him

Opinion

That’s one thing I know I did consistently today. I laughed hard and loud. Even the fact that I attended to customers back to back till about 3:30pm didn’t stop me. I found reasons to laugh at almost everything because I was super happy. The thought of having 2 work-free days did that to me plus, I was coming home! The journey home, however, was quite bumpy. I was about 30 minutes away from home at 7:00pm and already jubilating

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So I went to bed with my fears on Sunday.

Monday was crazy. I had decided to stay back and leave for work from home on Monday. My alarm went off at the usual 4:00am but because it was a crazy cold Monday morning, I decided to boil water (l still don’t know the devil that possessed and prompted me to do that because I’ve always known it won’t end well). That was how I didn’t wake up till 4:32am. I sha rushed and got on the road ASAP. Got a bus at a ridiculous rate and I was on my way to work. Long story short, I got to work feeling shitty at 8:30am. Bus had a flat tire twice! one at Agege and the other right after Third Mainland Bridge. I was convinced my village people followed me to work that morning or maybe I was just reaping the “reward” of not leaving my room on Saturday, you dig?

Tuesday came with paranoia. I was already getting shitty worried because period was yet to come. I was feeling the premenstrual cramps and all but period did not show o. I later told myself my body was adjusting itself for the baby growing in me, hence, the cramps. I was almost sure I was pregnant. Still, I bought my sanitary pad in faith. Network provider decided to be shitty all through the evening which made me miss my daily blog binge. I was left with no choice but to go to bed unusually early but not before saying a silent prayer while hoping I’d wake up in the morning dripping.

I felt like a million bucks all through Wednesday. I was looking PENG! (pardon the caps and exclamation but DAMN!). From the hair to the nails and then the dress, OMG! Even the fact that i had to start my day by standing for 90 minutes, tending to work didn’t rain on my parade. The compliments kept pouring in (can a girl exaggerate in peace?). Now to the major highlight of the day… Faith moves mountains my brother and prayer is just as potent as ever! Just as I was wrapping up at work (still dripping in all my peng-ness), the “expected” happened. I had never been that much excited at the sight of blood in my entire life. I got the confirmation that I was not pregnant after all. I couldn’t stop myself from doing multiple mental back flips and one shitty dance like that (shitty because I can’t dance to save my life). Now someone reading this will think this girl must have been on some sex rampage or something. Well, paranoid me is just a crazy weirdo. This girl has never had sex but has had a couple of near-sex experiences.

Thursday left me weak. I could almost feel each drop of blood leave me. How I managed to get home remains a mystery, I was certain I’d pass out at some point. I felt totally drained with heavy and firm boobs (sexy sha o) , a price I have to pay for refusing to get knocked up. Work was… well, work! I am starting to feel madder as each day passes, my pendings just seem to keep piling up. My first customer of the day was a fine older dude mystery shopper and I can confidently say I goofed. You can’t exactly blame me for almost always losing composure and sense whenever I interface with fine dudes (I end up saying the dumbest shit ever), let’s blame mother nature. Stringing even the most basic sentences becomes almost impossible. By the way, my craft orders came in from the abroad yesterday. I look forward to my untouched weekend longingly. Adekunle Gold’s “Yoyo” just came up, guess who is spotting a wide smile?

Loud laughs.

That’s one thing I know I did consistently today. I laughed hard and loud. Even the fact that I attended to customers back to back till about 3:30pm didn’t stop me. I found reasons to laugh at almost everything because I was super happy. The thought of having 2 work-free days did that to me plus, I was coming home! The journey home, however, was quite bumpy. I was about 30 minutes away from home at 7:00pm and already jubilating at the thought of getting home quite early, not knowing what Lagos traffic had in store for me and at the most unusual place too. I ended up getting home few minutes to 10:00pm. Well, within the supposed to be 30 minutes journey, I witnessed a man fall from a bike in full speed motion right beside my bus. I was scared to death because dude was just there lying lifeless on the road for the first 10 seconds, I thought he was dead only to later realize he was alive and drunk! I couldn’t help but laugh alongside other passengers but felt guilty afterwards. And I could swear our bus also got shot at three times by a policeman shortly after the drunk dude episode (still in the spirit of exaggeration). Finally home, safe and super excited.

If at the moment, you think of me as bat shit crazy, I think it’s a valid thought because I’d also think of whoever sends me anything remotely close to this as a fucking weirdo.

How are you doing BT?

PS: I miss you.

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