This is not a defensive piece.
It’s not an attempt at milking the “not ALL men are scum” card.
It’s definitely not a response to S’ article.
What it is, however, is a chance to speak, alongside the voices of all the ‘unscummy’ men out there who cannot declare that they are immune to the scum virus that is said to be latent in all men; a chance to be given a voice of our own before we would not be heard above the pitchforks and chants “burn the scum”. Not because of a need to defend ourselves but to remind women that we are out there.
Having a beard or dick doesn’t make a man; it just makes you masculine. Hell, these days, that’s not even enough to qualify as male (Case Study Clue: rhymes with ‘whiskey’). Neither does being able to empty bottle after bottle of beer and still be able to walk backwards without tripping make you a man. Neither does having a body that would rival Dwayne Johnson’s or even emptying a bottle of alomo without wincing qualify you to hold the title. ‘Macho’, maybe but not a man.
To be a man is understanding that sex is not the only way to be intimate with a woman; he knows that fixing her a bath, rubbing her feet and cuddling with her afterwards is sometimes more intimate. He knows that talking to her about his fears and doubts with that unsure look, tugs at her heart a bit more than work talk because sometimes, being vulnerable is sexier than being macho.
To be a man is knowing that just because she sent you nudes doesn’t mean you have a right to show your guys. If she wanted them to see her naked, she’d have sent the pictures to them herself (or put them online); to be a man is knowing how to put your boys in place because you respect her and you don’t want to betray her trust.
To be a man, isn’t not paying for the date you asked her on because “she’s the one that wanted to go out bah?”, but knowing how to shove your pride up your ass and telling her when she asks you to take her out that as much as you’d like to, you can’t afford to do that at that moment. It is not thinking she’s insulting you if she offers to pay for herself; a man won’t make a deal out of that (and if it bothers you, pull a Joseph and sneak the money back into her bag when you hug her goodnight); a man calls to make sure she’s home safely, irrespective of if she drove or not.
To be a man is to not “read between the lines” and assume that because she came over, she wants the D; it’s taking your L with grace and not switching to insults because she doesn’t fancy you. Even if you coached Chuck Bass and Barney Stinson, not everyone can like you and a real man knows that’s okay! Being a man is knowing that it’s unacceptable to hit a lady, no matter what (sexy time is the only exception).
To be a man is to understand that periods are not a bloody joke (no pun intended) and even if you don’t have to kiss her ass just because her uterus is committing murder, do not irk her.
To be a man is to know that all women, not just your mother or wife/girlfriend, but all women are to be treated with respect. Even the ones you think don’t deserve it.
A man knows that, even if some things don’t make sense to him, they make sense to her so he doesn’t insist on who’s wrong/right in an argument but tries to see things from her perspective and tries his best to make her see things from his and doesn’t call her names if she doesn’t.
A man knows that not doing all these things I mentioned above don’t make him not a man because they are only MY own interpretation of what it means to be a man but they stem from the ultimate definition (at least to me) of a man: responsible, decent and honorable. There are lots of men who know this and let these three things govern them.
I’m not saying there aren’t dirt-bags and pigs out there with beards and dicks and of the masculine sex because unfortunately, that would be a lie. Some are in Yaba and unfortunately, some are in our offices, our neighborhood, even our homes and we even call some ‘friend’.
What I’m saying is men are not scum. Please stop calling scum men.