We Are Not All Scum

This is not a defensive piece. It’s not an attempt at milking the “not ALL men are scum” card. It’s definitely not a response to S’ article. What it is, however, is a chance to speak, alongside the voices of all the ‘unscummy’ men out there who cannot declare that they are immune to the…

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This is not a defensive piece.

It’s not an attempt at milking the “not ALL men are scum” card.

It’s definitely not a response to S’ article.

What it is, however, is a chance to speak, alongside the voices of all the ‘unscummy’ men out there who cannot declare that they are immune to the scum virus that is said to be latent in all men; a chance to be given a voice of our own before we would not be heard above the pitchforks and chants “burn the scum”. Not because of a need to defend ourselves but to remind women that we are out there.

*exhales*

Having a beard or dick doesn’t make a man; it just makes you masculine. Hell, these days, that’s not even enough to qualify as male (Case Study Clue: rhymes with ‘whiskey’). Neither does being able to empty bottle after bottle of beer and still be able to walk backwards without tripping make you a man. Neither does having a body that would rival Dwayne Johnson’s or even emptying a bottle of alomo without wincing qualify you to hold the title. ‘Macho’, maybe but not a man.

To be a man is understanding that sex is not the only way to be intimate with a woman; he knows that fixing her a bath, rubbing her feet and cuddling with her afterwards is sometimes more intimate. He knows that talking to her about his fears and doubts with that unsure look, tugs at her heart a bit more than work talk because sometimes, being vulnerable is sexier than being macho.

To be a man is knowing that just because she sent you nudes doesn’t mean you have a right to show your guys. If she wanted them to see her naked, she’d have sent the pictures to them herself (or put them online); to be a man is knowing how to put your boys in place because you respect her and you don’t want to betray her trust.

To be a man, isn’t not paying for the date you asked her on because “she’s the one that wanted to go out bah?”, but knowing how to shove your pride up your ass and telling her when she asks you to take her out that as much as you’d like to, you can’t afford to do that at that moment. It is not thinking she’s insulting you if she offers to pay for herself; a man won’t make a deal out of that (and if it bothers you, pull a Joseph and sneak the money back into her bag when you hug her goodnight); a man calls to make sure she’s home safely, irrespective of if she drove or not.

To be a man is to not “read between the lines” and assume that because she came over, she wants the D; it’s taking your L with grace and not switching to insults because she doesn’t fancy you. Even if you coached Chuck Bass and Barney Stinson, not everyone can like you and a real man knows that’s okay! Being a man is knowing that it’s unacceptable to hit a lady, no matter what (sexy time is the only exception).

To be a man is to understand that periods are not a bloody joke (no pun intended) and even if you don’t have to kiss her ass just because her uterus is committing murder, do not irk her.

To be a man is to know that all women, not just your mother or wife/girlfriend, but all women are to be treated with respect. Even the ones you think don’t deserve it.

A man knows that, even if some things don’t make sense to him, they make sense to her so he doesn’t insist on who’s wrong/right in an argument but tries to see things from her perspective and tries his best to make her see things from his and doesn’t call her names if she doesn’t.

A man knows that not doing all these things I mentioned above don’t make him not a man because they are only MY own interpretation of what it means to be a man but they stem from the ultimate definition (at least to me) of a man:  responsible, decent and honorable. There are lots of men who know this and let these three things govern them.

I’m not saying there aren’t dirt-bags and pigs out there with beards and dicks and of the masculine sex because unfortunately, that would be a lie. Some are in Yaba and unfortunately, some are in our offices, our neighborhood, even our homes and we even call some ‘friend’.

What I’m saying is men are not scum. Please stop calling scum men.

Responses

    1. Anonymous Aboki
      Lol, no it doesn’t – ’cause my niqqa right here roundly restricted ‘men are scum’ to romantic relationships – nah, 2 odd paragraphs, that seem like an afterthought, don’t cut it. That’s pretty tunnel visioned, but understandable as ‘men are scum’ was born on twitter, inspired by bants we read of sexual fraud, lol, broken hearts..basically rotten romantic relationships.

      Hence, if we’ll dare to expand this convo to include anything, everything asides romantic relationships like say, (the treatment of) women in religious places, at their jobs, in our homes, at markets – summarily patriarchy sha, you’ll find that indeed & truly, ‘men are scum’.

      That’s the convo we really should be having uno? But I fear I can’t start it, because, what we should really be doing is listening. That’s all. All that privilege we have as men, but didn’t do shii to earn, automatically disqualifies us from playing victim – which is what you’re doing when you say we’re not all scum, you’re giving me a bad name..

      There’s also the fact that it’s based on the sum of their experiences that women have said ‘men are scum’ – a statement of such truth & finality, it’ll ring with any woman across space & time. This is something we don’t have, these experiences. We’re not allowed to speak at this table, we’ve done more than enough already, lol. Just listen, show empathy, do better.

      The statement used to irk me too, so I feel you Cavey. I ask that you peep the larger picture, t main one, you go see say, me (some may disagree, lol) you & your goons fit no be scum actually, we sha be exception. Same as your boyfriend treats you right, or your husband is the perfect man. Alhamdulilahi, but all exceptions. Whilst valid & acknowledged , they’re frankly a useless distraction, singular opinions & not a matter of fact. See, we hold these truths to be self evident, that all ‘men are…

      1. Cavey Post author
        Gawd I love friends like this who I can rub minds with! Anyways,
        I feel you man but to put things in perspective, there’s no ‘tunnelvision’ here ‘cos cc 10th paragraph

        “…they stem from the ultimate definition of a man: responsible, decent and honorable…”

        so while my examples leaned towards romantic relationships, the core was in that paragraph. And like I told , while it seems like I’m addressing women, I’m actually talking to the guys; telling them part of what it means to be a man and letting men know they need to do better and be better. Men hear this chants but turn a deaf ear and don’t listen to them and if the chants are ever going to stop, we have to stop waiting for women to put us straight ‘cos they won’t and we have to put ourselves and all the guys around us straight and that’s all this post is trying to do 🙂

        1. Anonymous Aboki
          I love you too Cavey, along with all these ladies, haha..

          That said, your 10th paragraph no mean anything now, especially in light of maybe 8, 9 prior ones focused majorly on romantic relationships. So, if you wan use am cop-out, sure man, we no go split hairs..

          Uhmmm, with a title that reads, ‘we are not all scum’, are you sure you aren’t addressing women? Sounds like a reply to me, an assertive one sef..

          Finally, I’ve got one or two things to say, but nah, I’ll take your word on the message you were passing. Ir was definitely via sleight of hand, if you’ll allow, but yea, gorrit, loud and clear..

  1. Ramatu
    ‘What I’m saying is men are not scum. Please stop calling scum men.’

    I screamed! What?! WHAT?!

    Cavey, can you be my baby daddy? Lol. (There boyfriend, I joke.)

    This is so beautiful! Cavey, you are the best! I wish more men had your view. Awww….wow! Just wow!

    1. Cavey Post author
      😳😳😳😳😳😳
      Thank you! I really just needed to say it ‘cos scum have been called men for too long
      Dear @ramatu‘s boyfriend, I’m sure she’s joking about. The baby daddy part
  2. Morris
    Oh my, i finally just googled the word scum, good thing It wasn’t in my dictionary before.

    “To be a man is to know that all women, not just your mother or wife/girlfriend, but all women are to be treated with respect” – Yeah, we all need to respect ourselves.

    Great piece, keep up the great writing.

  3. Buchi
    Oh, and Cavey, no need to apologize even if it’s defensive. That ‘men are scum’ refrain started as a joke, and is fast becoming a definition for the male folk.
    1. A.
      It actually didn’t start as a joke. It’s now that people are turning it into a joke. said it perfectly. Thank him for that
  4. Optimus Prime
    Men are scum, Women are scummier(I kid, I kid).

    I have never been perturbed by this “Men are scum” slogan. It’s just an online banter devised to cause controversy.

    Majority of the ladies chanting this go back to the loving arms of their male partners every night -so why bother?

    Hell yeah – there’s a minority of douche-bags in the male population who seem determined to queer the pitch for the responsible men out there but then that is expected…. Out of Christ’s 12 disciples, one was a bad apple.

  5. Neee
    Just WOW!

    The delivery of this piece was just so on point, you really do get it!

    Now if only I could find one of these ‘men’, they’re like unicorns in this day and age. *sigh*

  6. Ronin
    Lol.

    These “men are scum” tirade isn’t anything new.

    When i was much younger, my aunts would occasionally gather around discussing their various situa/relationships. Their discussions always ended with a “Okunrin, won o wulo”, or “Okunrin o laanu”.

    This seems to have made it’s way to the online discussions and is being amplified by social media.

    I’m not scum.
    I’m not bothered
    You shouldn’t be.

  7. K. Rukia
    Nice read, but addressed to the wrong audience.

    Yes, there are some good men (like you?) but men are still scum. This is an intentional generalisation. When we say men are scum, we refer to a patriarchal, misogynistic system of social norms that enables and rewards scummy-ness. We’re not saying that ALL men are scum, just like I’m pretty sure not ALL white people are racist. But if the ‘good’ men spent less energy defending their individual non-scumminess and more time coaching their scummy brethren and challenging the system that upholds them, maybe, just maybe, one day we won’t be able to say that men are scum.

    These scummy men are your friends. They are your ‘goons’. You hang out with them and listen to their tales about girls they’ve hooked up with. They forward you nudes. They talk about girls in ways that are degrading and objectifying. Yet, instead of actively opposing this scummy behaviour at its source, you’d rather come and remind us women that you’re not one of them. Don’t worry, we know. Ejo, save the lecture for your scummy brethren.

    1. Orochi
      You’re not saying all men are scum, you’re just saying “men are scum”, nice!

      “When we say men are scum, we refer to a patriarchal, misogynistic system of social norms that enables and rewards scummy-ness.” – you’re referring to the system that makes it so that it’s such guys that get the girls, they are the ones who get the nudes. They are the ones who seem to get the respect of both men and women in the work place. They are the ones seen as fun and manly. They are probably the ones you get attracted to, and sleep with.
      Something is wrong with the nice guys, the ones who worship you feet, – they are lame and boring. Tis scum that’s dope!

      Yep! Men are the problem! and Y’all are the victims! and we like it that way!

      1. K. Rukia
        Mr. Nice Guy Orochi, sounds like you might be bitter. Seems to me you might be one of those fake ‘nice guys’ who believe women owe them something for being a decent human being. Guess what? We don’t.
        1. Orochi
          hahaha! nice try! I’m a decent human being? I’m bitter? I’m a dragon, I can’t relate to these.. no one owes any man (or woman) anything. Some men have simply identified the dynamic that works in today’s world and exploit it for their own good.
          Feel free to respond to the message in my comment and leave behind who the message may be coming from.
        1. Orochi
          I’m not a nice guy lol. I did check it out to see what message you’re trying to pass across..
          I hope the nice guys out there get to read this, so they understand the disney tales they see life through are all a myth, I hope that they drop their nice ways and learn from those that are getting what these nice guys want.
  8. Cavey Post author
    I agree with you, @k-rukia; it’s the men that need to be schooled/coached and till the scale is tipped towards more men than scum, “men are scum” should be sounded in all our ears. But I think you slightly misunderstood my intent in this article; I started out by saying I was going to echo the unheard voices of the men so people know they’re out there but the real message was to males, so they can never hide behind ‘ignorance’ or whatnot by telling them what it is to BE a man and not think having three legs made them one. The whole article was intended for guys to know where they ought to pick up the slack if they ever want the chants to end
    1. K. Rukia
      “What I’m saying is men are not scum. Please stop calling scum men.”

      If the message was intended for men as you say, I wonder why the post was so clearly addressed to women. That would be like me writing a piece titled ‘Stop calling us sluts’ and claiming that it was intended for women.

      If you were going to say something to men, why not just straight up say it to them? Couching it in ‘not all men’ apologetics is unnecessary and confusing.

      1. Cavey Post author
        Not my intention to be confusing but while letting guys see the path to ‘manhood’, I wanted gals to be sure of one thing; that MEN aren’t scum.
        I apologize if my intentions were a bit confusing ☺️
      2. Charlene
        I agree with you on this. In as much as I feel this article did a great job of reminding us that not all men are scum, it was directed at the wrong people. Of course women have at least met one good or seemingly good guy so it’s baseless to keep reminding us that some of you are different. (everybody says they’re different which makes us all the same)

        However, what you ‘we’re not scum’ guys should be doing is channeling your energy (like I see @Cavey has a truck load of) into mentally sanitizing your scummy goons, brothers and friends rather than being brilliantly defensive. We’re getting jaded.

    1. Ray
      Funny how you guys know these things are bants backed by people’s experiences (use of the word ‘people’, not ‘women’ because it looks like experiences from women are not regarded serious enough to be considered) but still get angry, and it’s ok to get angry when you feel affected by it, but y’all never ever get pissed enough to question yourselves, take lessons from these experiences and teach one another to be better.
      1. NO2_EFX
        “but y’all never ever get pissed enough to question yourselves, take lessons from these experiences and teach one another to be better.”

        Trust me. Men learn a lot.

  9. Bkd
    Me and Rae and all the guys I know, are not scum.
    Have you noticed that it’s these “scums” that the ladies are mostly attracted to? This scums get all the female attention. The way I see it, being a scum might just be it.
    Go scums, yay!!!
    1. Exclusive
      Maybe girls, when you’re 16 and your hormones are driving you to the north pole without a functional brake.

      Ladies know ain’t nobody gat time, not to mention energy that could be channelled more productively for scummy behaviour, whether it’s tolerating or stroking it.

      1. NO2_EFX
        “Ladies know ain’t nobody gat time, not to mention energy that could be channelled more productively for scummy behaviour, whether it’s tolerating or stroking it.”

        Well…..the number of posts, articles and stuff on the internet says otherwise

        1. Exclusive
          Perhaps they find their way to the internet with greater frequency, not necessarily because they represent existing data precisely.

          Besides, the read is way more fun.

          1. NO2_EFX
            “Perhaps they find their way to the internet with greater frequency, not necessarily because they represent existing data precisely.”

            True

          2. Ray
            This is the exact attitude that ensures the bad behavior some men have persists. You people really think we make these things up. We talk about rape and we are asked for proof, we talk about assault on twitter, we are told the guilty men are not on twitter, we call out a certain attitude many men share, all the men come and say we are/have all moving/moved with the wrong men.

            When we are not being questioned, we are being shunned. Y’all are so quick to question our claims but never your attitudes.

      2. Bkd
        Are you kidding me? You really need to do some serious research? You don’t have to go very far, just look around your immediate environment. The ladies (both young and old)practically live to tolerate and stroke scummy behavior.
        Trust me, I know. You can ask the scummy guys if you don’t believe me.
    1. Demalo
      They say “men are scum” and all that, but yet never forget it’s a two way thing. I feel “people are just people” you know, There are those who can be said to be scum and those who are “alright”..
  10. Ray
    I don’t even use that narrative but I know that some men deserve the tag. Like, said, this post just views the narrative from the relationship angle and TBH, some of the comments from males trying to act like women have no basis for calling men out irk me.

    If you are a proponent of baseless me superiority, you are scum. If you shame women for being feminists or standing up for themselves, you are scum. If you can’t respect people regardless of their age or gender, you are scum. If you hear all these bad experiences from women and somehow still thinks it always boils down to us doing something wrong, you are scum.

    Some people will likely want to come up and say men suffer too. We know that and we know that some women are scum also, but it’s not always gender wars so please rest.

    1. K. Rukia
      Exactly. Like you said, somehow it always boils down to us doing something wrong. Self-described ‘good’ men are so quick to blame women who are victims of scummy behaviour for being attracted to scum in the first place.
      Everything is our fault, even when we’re the victims. I’m so sick of it.
      1. Bkd
        Yeah right. The men are never victims. How convenient . There are scums on both sides of the divide. The sooner y’all accept that, the better. I don’t like how TNC is being turned into a male bashing platform. You want to address gender equality, fine. But please don’t blame every heartbreak or misfortune suffered by every woman on the guys. Trust me, men can play the blame game too, but we rather not.
        It’s not hard for the scums to blame their scumminess on bad experiences with females. So a girl blames the guy for her problems because he’s a scum, he blames another girl for making him a scum and we have vicious circle. Please, people are who they are. It has nothing to do with gender.
        And please, enough with the man bashing. Had enough already.
        There are bigger problems facing women in the society, and heartbreaks is the the least.
    2. NO2_EFX
      “We know that and we know that some women are scum also, but it’s not always gender wars so please rest.”

      True. But you kinda said things that sounded “gender war-ish” earlier. Just sayin

  11. Cavey Post author
    Guys, I get that the post seems to be leaning towards being addressed to women and/or being defensive but I promise it’s neither. I’m not the best wordsmith but in my head, I thought the subtle jabs/pointers directed towards guys would be…well, less subtle. My bad. And like and I talked (off the site), I am not ignorant that the onus is on guys to put guys in their place so i try in whatever way I can (ergo the article) and my tweets too e.g.
    1. https://twitter.com/astoldbycavey/status/793548624772734976
    2. https://twitter.com/astoldbycavey/status/795935669944197120

    *chuckle*
    They’re a lot more so to answer your questions?, I do my part in putting scum in their place.

    cc @ray

  12. Ra's Al Gul
    Funny write-up.

    I took today to examine the webosphere of Nigerian media. Various forums and all without being too engaged in discussions as not to get emotionally involved. I’ve come to notice: Most and I say most Nigerian females have their mouths and actions playing for different teams.

    You say you hate scum men? Good. You want equality and all that? Good.

    What do your actions portray? THE Opposite!!!

    You all put flowers on your heads,take butt pics and have stereotypical handles like “mz this, king that, sexy this or that”. What then are you projecting or attracting? THE SCUM! You gossip about them, call them big boyz, follow them on iG and ask why they remain that way?

    I’ve always told people closest to me, pay more attention to people’s actions than words. I’m not hating or being misogynistic or anything but I’ll say this: Calling them out hasn’t worked same thing in politics with corruption, in racism and all…

    ACT!!!

    Raise your standards(Starting from yourself)! If the scum guys didn’t have an audience then they’ll adapt according to nature!! What you’ll be forgetting is that those “SCUM” were once nice guys that saw that way wasn’t paying off and then joined the other team..

    Date guys based on a solid criteria.
    Be willing to put genuine effort in relationships.
    Drop the entitled mentality.

    When the majority then moves to that, posts like these would be in the museum..

  13. Exclusive
    It’s funny how you tell me to look at my immediate surroundings. Where did you think I drew my inference from?

    On both ends, there are individuals who accept way less than they should, certainly. But to say that “ladies practically live to tolerate and stroke scummy behaviour”?

    Oh, please. We have way more worthwhile ventures, thank you very much.

  14. janet
    This still doesn’t say men are not scum. This just goes down into giving men told on how to act, what do so and what not to do. Right after all these tips, you’d be greatly surprised men are still scum.

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