“What do you want for Val?”
I want to call you at 3 am when my insomnia keeps me up and memories of us are what helps to pass the time.
I want to call you when I’m excited about getting a job, my first job, doing what I want to do.
I want to tell you about those sugar daddy wannabes that won’t let me be, and feel you cringe with jealousy.
I want to call out your name and have you answer me in the same room. I want all of you, all over me…
I think about you in the bathroom and I reminisce about our time in the shower, I remember how you kissed me, how we tried new things, how I want to break the records any other girl has set.
I want to call you right now and ask about your day. I want to see your smile. I want to hear the sound of your laughter, the one you asked if it could induce a stroke. I want to go back to that heaven, alone, with you, undisturbed, free.
I want to tell you I miss you, I long for you, but I want to make you understand this is not just sexual.
I don’t love you, I don’t even know how to know if I love someone.
I want to want you out loud but I am scared, of the world, of getting bored, of our commitment issues, of our yearning for solitude, I am scared of the uncertainty of life. I am scared you will find someone more sexy and with more soul. I am scared my mood swings would get in the way, I am scared that demon that doesn’t let me get out of bed sometimes would get in the way. I am scared of losing you, you know that kind of loss that leaves a void, that makes you long for things you can never get. I am scared of being too dependent, of loving you and being unable to imagine my life without you.
I want my solitude too, and you are always immersed in your busyness, you work too much but I understand. We are just friends, we don’t want to ruin that.
So, I cannot answer that way. We cannot explore the answer to that question. We are just a boy and a girl taking chances, we do not have a title, titles complicate things, so I cannot tell you I want you the way I want you.
“Earphones. I want earphones.”