What Would Your Exes Say About You?


I was having a very mushy, loving, soaking-with-cheese conversation with my boyfriend one morning; the kind where we’re both being completely open about how we feel, our fears and worries, our insecurities e.t.c. We talked fondly about how we met and about when we each realized that we were in love with the other and…


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I was having a very mushy, loving, soaking-with-cheese conversation with my boyfriend one morning; the kind where we’re both being completely open about how we feel, our fears and worries, our insecurities e.t.c. We talked fondly about how we met and about when we each realized that we were in love with the other and how we worry sometimes that it’s all too good to be true, you know, all of that very nice, warm and mushy stuff. And then I asked him what if he woke up one morning and ‘snapped out of’ this loving tins that we are feeling? His answer was “You’ve got to be crazy! You’re a wonderful woman. And I’m not going anywhere!”

I must admit that it felt very nice to hear that, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of Deja-vu. I could have sworn that someone else had said that to me during the course of our relationship. But I guess life has a way of making fun of us and the things we say. Cos that someone obviously left. So I started to cast my mind back to my previous relationships, started to think about my ex-boyfriends (and I mean the ones with whom I had real relationships, not the occasional fling). I imagined them lined up like at a police station for a suspect viewing and I imagined them all being asked one after the other to describe me.

In retrospect, and not that I’m trying to toot my own horn, I think they would all say that I am an amazing woman, like current boyfriend said. And I think it would be with a wistful or knowing or beaming or fond smile on their faces.

But that wouldn’t be all.

I know at least one who would say I could be a real bitch sometimes. And one (or two) who would say that I’m very proud.

All of them would say that I’m strong, except one; he would say that I’m strong-headed and that I behave like a man. As if being strong was reserved only for men.

At least two of them would say that I’m stubborn. And they would be correct. They would say that I’m uncompromising and principled. But I’m not sure they would say it fondly.

I know they would all agree that I’m smart, intelligent; but there’s at least one who would say it with a slight tinge of resentment. That one always struggled with the fact that I was better at some things than he was.

Without a doubt, they would all say that I’m hot-headed; “O ti kan’ra ju!” current boyfriend says all the time, sometimes with a smile on his face.

They would call me passionate, and maybe even go so far as to say that I’m sexy (even though I never believed them); and they all certainly would comment on my beautiful smile; I can light up the whole of Africa; Ok maybe just a room sha. But a big room.

At least two of them would tell you that I am a jealous one, and one of those two would warn you never to cheat on me and get caught. Lol. I will leave that to your imagination.

I would also probably be described as bossy, which is fair because I’m the eldest of five children. It comes with the territory.

You might hear that I like to help people; but in the same breath, one of them would say that I’m wicked. Hahahaha. He didn’t even see wicked.

Someone would probably talk about my ass. Or maybe two of them – both Yoruba boys. They have a thing… And they would also talk about my thighs; but not just the Yoruba boys this time. And if they were asked what I was like in bed, you might hear words like ‘machine’ or ‘tigress’ or even ‘Ferrari’; and one may even gloat about being my first instead of answering the question. But there would be one who would say nothing, because he wouldn’t really know – we never had sex.

When I think about it, I’m not afraid what any of them would say. I believe I treated them all well enough and according to how they treated me; sometimes even better. I also believe that I was myself, not pretending, not lying so they each saw me for who I really am, though to varying degrees depending on how close/intimate we got and how much we let each other in.

And if current boyfriend and I don’t quite work out, I don’t think I would be worried about anything he would have to say about me. Someone once said to me on this platform “Go and be a good person…” just because I deigned to ask for the man I want. Well, wherever you are, I am a good person. And I’m not afraid of what any of my exes would say about me.

What about the rest of you? What would your exes say about you? Would they say good things or bad? Tell us using the comments section.


  1. Cavey
    TBH, I thought about this for a bit after a comment on my last post; something about “why do all your exes swear you’re a great person but none seem to want you back” (not paraphrasing but basically what she said) but just as I came to conclude then (and not to toot my horn), it’s honestly their loss and they know.
    My exes would say I give fairytale typa love; breakfast in bed, random surprises and all that mushy stuff. They’d say how at some point they all felt they didn’t deserve me (I honestly detest that line) but I always assured them that it was me who was blessed to have them.
    They’d tell you how it somewhat bothered them I never get upset…then they’d say how I actually do but it takes a bit to know me to know when I’m upset.
    They’d tell you how much words of affirmation and physical touch are my major love languages and how I’m the biggest of mushballs when I’m horny (usually when I dish out my words of affirmation the most).
    They’d also tell you how they don’t understand how I can have so many women as friends and still be sure I’m not gonna cheat ???? and they’d tell you how amazing I am with my lips. One would tell you how cold I am because of how I ended things (“hey, I can’t do this again. I’m bored.”) and all would tell you how I’m stubborn because I like peanuts but they give me the worst zits you can imagine overnight ????
    Summarily, they’d all tell you if you’re with me; “he’d show you a definition of love you never imagined was real”

    @misso, this felt like a major “toot your horn” fest ????????

  2. Larz
    Whenever, I hear people talk about how romantic they are. I can’t help but sigh. Romance is great and somehow we all want great romance but I think is not even in the top 5 things that makes a great life partner. I didn’t marry my best bf and from convos with hubby, I don’t think I am his best gf (one of them bought him a watch worth six times her monthly salary- ever practical hubby asked her to return it). But we are each other’s best life partner. We couldn’t even imagine living the rest of our life’s with our best most romantic boy(girl) friend.

    Breakfast in bread is great but I can hire a maid to do that for me everyday of my life if it is that important to me. What is more important is how you both pray together for something that is important to you even if it isn’t to them, how they help you be a better person. How your future (struggles/ success) is something he is equally invested in.

    If we must evaluate our past rship she, then we should measure our performance by how much value we added to their lives and about how we left them in a better shape than we found them.

    @cavey – I have read a few of your stories and i know you are deeper than romantic gestures. I wouldn’t have been able to tell judging by just the comment above

    1. Cavey
      Hello @larz
      Someday, you will give me a number I can reach you on…someday.
      Anyways, I totally agree with you on re-evaluating past relationships to measure the state of person when we’re no longer together in comparison to how me met them (partly why I don’t have any ex who if I needed help, they wouldn’t be there for me because by His grace, they grew as a person in our time together). But, I should say that my comment was basically replying the context of the article and not laying down principles/beliefs that I let guide me 🙂 . That said, thank you for having some faith in my…depth 🙂 :*
  3. Sussy
    First off they would say I am an amazing person and any guy that would have me would be lucky tbh I think all guys use this line.
    One would say I am not the most expressive person I.e. mushy feely though he knew he had my mumu button
    They would also tell you how I am an encourager. I am that girlfriend that prayed and encouraged them to pursue whatever they set their mind to even though I don’t always
    They would agree about my stubbornness except i see reasons with your point of view and how (at the same time)drama free I am…Is that really the word I am looking for? Or just sometimes how boring I can be.lol
    And of course how smart and ambitious I am.
  4. TQ
    Wow!!! I’ve not really been able to honestly come up with what these men will say about me…I guess the content of my package is usually custom-made for the receiver….
    BTW who’s this @cavey and where do I find him? 😀
  5. Femme
    LOOOL! I can imagine myself saying stuff about who i thought when i was with the exes and they go ‘errr…. Is this the same person i dated?’ LOL!

    All will say you worked too hard and didn’t make enough time for ‘us’

    One will be confused if you ask him because he obviously still does not believe he is an ex. He is probably still dating me but i was done months ago.

    All will sing and shout “Stubborn, stubborn & stubborn”!!!

    All will say ‘Unromantic’ when in public, maybe i am too shy but PDA is not in my DNA

    2 will say ‘she loved hard!’

    2 will say ‘selfless’. Even i know i did some ‘mumu’ sacrifice things that surprise me looking back.

    2 will say ‘Do not cheat on her’…i cannot even imagine myself forgiving you if you do even if i love you with all of me. Once you cheat and i know, my paranoia no be here ooo. My head interprets everything differently like; i see your mouth and imagine u giving head which means i can never kiss you. Intimacy is DOA right after and everything you say rings ‘Liar… liar…LIAR’. Lets not even go to the fact that i imagine STD, HIV or HPV laying eggs and hatching in your system *shivers*. At this point, i am sure if i don’t leave you, HATE will set in so i leave for my sanity!

    The fact is, it doesn’t really matter what they have to say because they are ‘EX’ for a reason.

  6. Chiggy
    I think honestly, they (being 3 in total) would all say that how the hell did I let her slip out of my hand. Well one told me that when I got married, apparently he called to wish me a HML and then he reminisced and wished things turned out differently. He even had the nerves to ask me to look for a wife for him, that he’s still seriously searching. The funniest part is, he said she should be exactly just like me..my irreplaceable twin me.. Lol. They also wouldn’t be able to say anything about the sex – because we didn’t even go that deep. Let’s just say I’m not the average girl, mushy stuff is just not enough..none seemed to be able to wow me like that..
    They would also add that I’m really pretty or cute or beautiful and with brains too(oh & my hips, they say I have nice hips..????) finally they would say that I’m very homely and understanding but can be crazy too, just try and cheat. Some will say my mumu button is hard to find ????. Most think of me as naive & innocent (I just laugh in my mind) One however will say I’m stubborn, because I said No without blinking an eyelid to he’s marriage proposal… i.e, to have a baby for him before he can come with he’s people. I’m sure by now u might be wondering what kind of ex’s I had. Story of my life. Hey! A girl had to kiss few but very annoying frogs to get to her Prince Charming. Generally they would score me an 8 or worse case 7. I however, will rate them a 5 and that’s me just being generous.????
  7. Chiebuka
    I don’t know how one person can be all these things.
  8. Buchi
    To be honest I don’t know how to answer this. Only one person can truly answer to the ‘Ex’ title. I don’t quite know how she’d describe me, I hope in nice terms. I can’t even describe myself. I kukuma know my head is not very correct, so I will not be surprised if she says so.
    This much I can say though – I tried to be good, to be a solid support; a foil rather than a looming, shadowy overhang.

    For every other person I’ve been involved with, I’d love to believe I wasn’t entirely useless and I at least tried to make a positive impact in their lives, provide more than just laughter. But my ‘dysfuntionness’ is renowned though, so I’m sure first thing they’d all say is “Nah, Buchi is crazy AF”

  9. Dickson
    All my Exes would describe me differently. It will be like the story of the blind men who touched different parts of an elephant and assume the whole animal to be the part they touched. The one who touched the tusk said an elephant was like a trumpet. The one who touched the stomach said an elephant is like a wall. The one who touched the tail said an elephant is like a rope. Each described based on their experience.
    The stage of life I was at per time determined how I was to the gf in my life then. All relationships were different but I was very human, they all saw my good and ugly sides. I never stage managed anything .

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