Boy meets girl.

Boy likes girl.

Girl likes boy.

Boy and girl start dating.

1 year

2 years

3

4

5

6

7

Boy breaks up with girl.

Boy is evil demon sent from the pit of hell to waste girl’s life.

I’m so sick and tired of seeing this scenario play out too many times in our society. It is absolutely ridiculous and I am here today to tell you why I think so and also to get your take on it.

On this same site I have written several posts on how and why I think our idea of marriage in this generation is completely flawed – my views on this haven’t changed. For many, marriage is a necessary evil, a thing you have to do to become a complete human being, a responsibility you owe your parents, a check box. The end. I’m not going to go into details on why this type of thinking is wrong in so many ways but this obviously is one of the reasons why a lot of women develop this unrealistic entitlement complex that directly equates dating past 2 years (or less for some) to an automatic proposal/marriage guarantee.

Now lets break this down. For you to date someone for 5-7 years and then terminate the relationship right around the time when everyone expects you to be preparing for marriage, I will assume y’all started dating somewhere around the age of 24/25 for the guy (since the golden age of marriage in Nigeria is 30). Since with most couples, the guys are usually older, let us assume, the chic is 2 years younger – 23. I like to think of myself as an exception so using most of my friends as example, at 25, the average young Nigerian man is probably done with NYSC and either on his first job or in that ‘self discovery’ phase that comes right after NYSC. You know, that one where the fact that you probably wasted 4 years in school studying Applied Physics because that was all you could get with your JAMB score finally hits you. And then after looking around to discover no one is hiring physicists, you try your hand on a few hustles here and there but by and large, you are broke and 98% dependent on mummy and daddy yet your raging hormones and need to constantly turn up and remain socially relevant are never far from your mind. Terrible times I tell you.

In comes 23-year-old Suzzy. She’s good-looking. Scratch that, she’s HOT. But those kind of hot girls you can tell come from “good homes” so she’s well brought up, respectful, down to earth and most importantly, fun. She’s so down to earth that she sees past your financial situation. She’s also done with school and has free time so y’all hang out at yours and do what most 24 year olds in that space do, have loads of sex, talk about everything going on in your social circle etc. It only makes sense after doing this for a while to get in a relationship with Suzzy. Y’all get official and thankfully after a year, opportunities open up and you both get your first jobs. Let’s say the guy starts to work in a bank as a marketer. For the first time in his life, he discovers the corporate world. He meets other colleagues from other banks and more importantly, he starts earning his own money. Let’s be somewhat conservative and say he starts earning 200k a month.

Dude just went from 0 to 200k. If you’re a guy and you remember this feeling, please say AMEN. I can’t explain how money empowers men so I wont even try. You and Suzzy have less time for sex because of work so you have to find other activities to take up your time spent together. So you start hanging out – eating out together (you can afford KFC and other restaurants within that range now). This opens up a totally different side of Suzzy to you. Perhaps she may be the chic who doesn’t mind paying some of the bills every now and then or maybe all of a sudden she becomes more conscious of her upbringing (her dad is loaded) and doesn’t want KFC even though that’s all you can afford. Or could be the other way around. Suzzy could be uncomfortable going out or around your friends and just wants to stay home all the time. So you learn more about Suzzy, you guys fight a lot more but some way some how, you get past it. That’s what relationships are about right?

You blink and it’s been 4 years. You are now 29 and Suzzy is 27 and the pressure is serious from family, friends and even enemies for you to settle but you just got promoted to an assistant banking officer after changing jobs. You now earn 300k a month and Suzzy is yet to get another job after she left her last one 2 years ago because it was “too stressful”. You have pictured your future family a certain way and though you’ve discussed starting a family with Suzzy in the past, it just occurred to you how you probably won’t be able to live your dream life together if she continues this way. Five years into the relationship with everyone expecting a proposal, you decide to end it and start afresh with someone new. Someone you probably end up getting married to in a couple of years and just like that, you become the devil.

Now let’s tie all of this together.

If leaving a marriage was as easy as “babe, I don’t think I can do this anymore”, I can bet my fingers that many married couples today would have opted out of their marriages 5-7 years in. Why? Two of the key elements of successful marriages are “trust” and “understanding”. The thing about these two elements is that you only build them over time with one experience after the other. The unfortunate bit is this – even after several years of building, you can get to a point and discover it’s going to be way too much work to continue building.

Seven years is a very long time. You can be rich, poor and then rich again within this space and with every experience comes a different side of you – that’s just how we are as human beings. In marriage, you literally have no choice (except divorce) but to keep working and keep building even after discovering just how hard it will be to cope with your partner. However, if you’ve been together for 7 years in a relationship and you’ve come to that point of discovery and opting out is still easy enough (forget all the drama with your families knowing each other and all your friends – a breakup can NEVER be harder than a divorce), why won’t you make the decision.

Some will call it selfish. Others will call you a demon. And the truth is this: marriage holds no guarantees because you don’t know if the person you end up getting married to won’t be harder to cope with after you figure them out 7 years into the marriage. But for some people, this is a gamble they’d rather take especially when the underlying issues they have with their partner come very close to strong deal breakers for them.

A broken relationship is forever better than a broken marriage. Sometimes, the reasons why a guy decides to breakup with a chic after dating for several years or more won’t be obvious like when she cheats or when there are family issues. It may just be the subliminal reasons. The ones that some will be emotional about and allow to slide but then have to deal with in their marriages.

Am I saying the solution is for you not to date for so long just so your partner doesn’t get to completely understand you before marriage? Well, that’s a way of looking at it. The truth is this – no one goes into a marriage with 100% knowledge. Even if you do, we are so dynamic as human beings and different scenarios bring out different sides of us so your 100% knowledge may become useless after a few years. And so my point here is not how long you date for. What’s going to work will work regardless. All I’m driving at today is for us to stop attacking guys when such long term relationships end and open our minds enough to maybe see the big picture.

Do you agree with me on this? Do you have a personal story to share? Please use the comment box to express you.

Responses

  1. NeverHere
    I’m at this point right now.10years
    And I’ve realised he’s a dickhead and I really don’t want to be married to this kind of person.
    He has realised too that I’m not his type.
    Better to break up now.
    That’s my opinion.
    8+
    1. thetoolsman
      Oh wow. Sorry about this but also a great way to start the conversation with a confirmation of my theory. Like I said, better to have a broken relationship than a broken marriage 10 years or not.
      2+
  2. gboukzi
    The first part was everywhere, but the second part made plenty of sense. Also started off with ‘victimising men’ and ended up with ‘victimising women’. Was that intentional?
    1+
  3. Gingham
    “A broken relationship is forever better than a broken marriage.”

    You started with victimizing the guy and end with criticizing victimizing the lady.
    I just feel it is indeed selfish for a man to put up with a relationship (to get by with a strenuous life; you know easy access to companionship and sex) for years and once hes comfortable and his life is in place somewhat, decides it’s time to discard of the “get-by”.
    Looking at how women’s bodies are clocked, she will probably spend the most biologically important ten years of her life with that guy and you feel she isn’t a victim.
    Heck with the points you raised and examples you cited, she is indeed a victim.
    There are of course other situations but based on your points in this post, that victimization became even more real.

    17+
    1. thetoolsman
      Noticed the error and fixed that.
      As for your comment. What happens if the tables are turned and it’s the chic who opts out?
      You used the word “discard” which implies the guy probably had no good enough reason for opting out. The instance I’m considering is where there’s a reason but maybe not just an obvious one.
      1+
    2. JAL
      Hi Gingham,

      When you ladies say “victimizing the lady, wasting her time et al”, I wonder what kind of relationship you are talking about. Both partners are equal partners in the relationship, and they are in the relationship for purely selfish reasons. If it no longer suits your selfish reasons, you are allowed to be selfish and walk away. And this could be the guy or the lady doing the walking. So, in my opinion, there is no need for over dramatizing every little thing or earning sympathy votes. No one was victimized. No one wasted anyone’s time. The both parties should also ensure that the other party sees gain in maintaining or improving the status quo. You cannot expect a woman to stay with a man who she no longer sees a future with because society thinks it would be selfish of her to abandon the dude. Same goes for a guy. Both are in the relationship for mutual benefit. Both are selfish. Period.

      And before you presume I know not what I speak of, I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years. Do not intend on breaking up, but that is subject to the whims of the selfish wants from both of us. For now, we both are selfishly in love and selfishly see a stable/smart future by being together. Sorry if I sound cold, but I am just being logical about all this.

      15+
    3. D.K
      But the guy was also in the relationship for 10 years. If you think the girl wasted her time, shouldn’t same apply to the guy too? I don’t understand why people conveniently X the guy when a relationship(especially a long one) ends. Anything can prompt a break up regardless of the number of years spent together, and if he/she gives a reason for it, i think you should respect it and pack your luggage. Marriage should not be a factor of the number of years you’ve been together…
      2+
  4. Snow_Hunter
    I beg to disagree…you don’t need 5years to realize something isn’t to your taste…love, hormones or what-not…you should have caught a glimpse of most possible sides either intentionally or by happenstance within 6-12months…People in a relationship test each other, consciously or unconsciously; that line you dropped to gauge for a reaction, that request you just choose not to oblige or a lady just hustling her man for no good reason…it now boils down to either party choosing to heed or ignore disturbing signs or a more subtle pointer…for you to wait 5 years or more to make a point of something you’ve known all along is…dark…and don’t bother with the ‘I was hoping he/she would change…’ BS
    11+
    1. thetoolsman
      6-12 months? To fully trust and understand a person? Also, you said “People in a relationship test each other, consciously or unconsciously”… I strongly disagree and this is another issue I’m going to address soon. In this our hustle-hard-8 to 10pm-long days-and-only-see-on-weekends, have sex, hang out-and-peace-out-till-next-week kind of relationships, when do you actually get to “test each other” and learn more about the real person you’re with? I have friends who dated each other for 2 years+ before getting married only to discover that they didn’t know jack about their partner.
      4+
      1. butterflymind
        They probably weren’t learning jack about each other then. Some people know their friends in 2 months. Some don’t know their partners in 5 years. Some people simply don’t pay attention to what’s necessary.
        12+
    2. JAL
      People change. If you look at long term relationships, you would notice this. If you look at yourself over the last 5 years, you would also notice this. Just because both of you are compatible for 4 years does not mean you would remain compatible for another 4 years. A lot around you is changing and you also change to adapt to these changes. If both of you are in sync, YAAY!, you would both change and adapt and still be compatible. If both of you are not in sync, you would both begin to drift apart until one day you realise how on earth you saw a future with that person, or you wonder what is wrong with you, or what went wrong. Either way, people change. So keep an open mind for this in any relationship you think would be long term and make sure both of you are in sync. Just my 2 kobo.
      5+
  5. Ebi
    I dnt totally agree too.
    I believe that love is choice, ie beyond all the fireworks and geesh geesh!
    I mean there is always going to be someone you think is better than what you have at the moment.
    how do you look at someone that has dated you, probably not cheated and not walked away when they had supposed better offers all through the years, and ten suddenly remember they wnt be good enough for you long term. why did it take yo sooo long to do the maths.
    This is happened to me, i’m just going to stop here, before i take this post more personal!
    3+
    1. Miss James
      Like cheating and walking away are the worse things you can find in relationships. How about a situation where this person does not want your family and friends around at allllll but you didn’t know this cus you were seeing only on weekends and always needed “alone times” until you finally got married? Or, you now have a baby and your wifey has this oyibo mentality that it is a man’s responsibility to carry the baby (i’m not saying it is wrong though but don’t make it his DUTY, he should do this out of love) and when he doesn’t, a fight must follow…
      Too many examples running through my head but all I can say is, everybody has their own “Deal breakers”, when you find yours even after 10 years, do yourself a favour and walk away.
      6+
      1. JADE
        I disagree with your second example though, IT IS HIS DUTY TO CARRY HIS CHILD!!! we procreated the child together so why wont he carry the child? but i totally agree with the first one, cos that isolation is usually the first step to abuse.
        8+
        1. Miss James
          Ok, I put it in a wrong way, my apologies, but…we all know it is the mother’s duty first, maybe it is just because of my orientation as an African woman but I believe in OUR society, you do not expect the man to be with the baby all the time as opposed the woman. The woman is EXPECTED to always tend to the child and not the father.
          1+
          1. Larz
            No! No! No!

            We need to stop hiding behind duties and focus on doing what feels right to us. 20+ yrs ago, my cousins dad used to carry his children on his back. My dad and some other male family members used to make fun of him. I think it is quite admirable. people shud their all to take care of their children which ever way feels natural to them. I wanna give my child(ren) the best I can possibly give. If I choose not to do what comes naturally to me as a show of love then I don’t care for my child

            9+
          2. JADE
            I am an African woman as well, but pray tell what is wrong with a father being with his baby all the time? what? Lets just save that arguement for another day.

            Thank you Larz, thank you for that example

            5+
        2. JAL
          Just looking for trouble.

          Biologically speaking, it is not his duty to carry the child. Yes, they both made a child together. But the man has less invested in the child because he did not gestate the child for 9 months nor the 6-18 months of lactation that follow. He can also go and procreate with more ladies and ensure his lineage keeps passing on (this sha has its limitations because of territorial men who would kill him on sight for touching their women and the likelihood of his children to die young due to the stress of being raised by a single parent).

          On the more civilized side, it really depends on his cultural orientation and a numerous number of other things one of which is the fact that this is something that should have been trashed out between the husband and wife before the birth of the baby. That way there will more realistic expectations on responsibilities around the baby.

          4+
          1. JADE
            Well you and me both know when she said carry she was referring to pregnancy, plus her reply also reinforced that so i don’t understand how this your long grammar about gestation and lactation and procreating with other women fits into this discussion
            2+
          2. JAL
            HI Jade,

            I cannot seem to reply directly to your comment.

            The first line of my comment was “looking for trouble”. I wrote that intentionally because I was/am looking for trouble by the direction of comment.

            Also, re-read what I wrote. Although I was looking for trouble, I was also stating historical biology and how it shaped modern society. I did not go into detail because then it would have been too long. If you still do not understand, you could just skip my comment, no hard feelings.

            2+
  6. BlueBells
    ‘A broken relationship is forever better than a broken marriage’ Amen to this! Even if a guy breaks up with me after 10 years of dating him and immediately moves on to date another who he marries within a year, the worst that can happen is that I cry, be jealous, stalk their social media pages looking for God-knows-what, cringe when I pass by people (friends sef) making snide remarks on how something must be wrong with me that was why he left.

    I have never pictured myself going through a divorce. I would rather remain single than head into a marriage out of pity or just to please others. Marriage is really scary for me, no matter how my friends try to paint a rosy picture. So I definitely won’t step my legs into it if I have a single doubt. Better to cry my heart out of not being married or having a boo than to die in silence in marriage (I do not believe in washing dirty linens outside no matter what).

    9+
  7. JADE
    I understand what you’re trying to say Toolsman but I think the example you gave didnt quite depict the picture you wanted to paint. It is very very possible that outside of cheating or some other major crime the guy could decide to leave the relationship, because as grow our expectations change, note that at a point they were both idle, then they both got jobs and while he was growing in his career she decided to stop work because it was too “stressful”, that may have been a sign to him that she wasn’t going to be handle the tougher issues of life’s learning curves which are bound to come. I’m not insinuating that he left her because she wasn’t working but how many women will stay with a man who decides not to work because it was stressful? My cousin dated my cousin and she intended to leave him after 6 years because she finally admitted to herself that he was indeed lazy, who wants to marry a lazy man? I even encouraged her to leave him sef. People outgrow their peers and their partners, when one person continuously builds on their self development and the other person is still stuck in 2002, even if its 12 years, i will advise you walk away.

    A broken relationship is really better than a broken marriage

    5+
  8. butterflymind
    That’s a good argument you put forth Toolz. Perhaps there are other reasons why Guy will decide to break up with Babe after a 5 years long relationship other than the more regular demon story. But what about the demon stories we hear about?
    Guy dates girl because she is hot, seems decent and perhaps pictures a future with her someday, whenever. Then one day Guy decided Babe doesn’t entirely have all it is he hoped she would be in his future. Guy does not tell Babe this but simply nurses the thoughts in his heart. Just maybe thoughts take another 2 years to grow into a full blown mummy tree. Guy decides to cut strings and get new girl.

    Do you see something wrong with this scenario? I refuse to believe that a decision to break up originated in day X and got implemented the very next day. Guy is a demon and wasted Babe’s time/life because he KNEW for 2 years that Babe had gone from being an inevitable future to being a probable future and Guy did not communicate doubts to babe. Why please?

    I also won’t deny there are material information and necessities that should exist in a person before him/her fits into another person’s picture of a future partner. They are there and we know these. But to knowingly string someone on for so long after being aware that your determining variables are gradually changing is just wicked.
    Maybe Guy was waiting for Babe to change, praying even so he could marry her and babe refused to change. Or perhaps Guy was trying not to hurt Babe by breaking up, but still enjoyed the accruing benefits (sex ad whatnot) of being a boyfriend, while nursing his thoughts for 2 years. He still did wrong for keeping her so long after the seed was buried in the ground.

    Me I’ll say an early break up is forever better than a later one.

    15+
    1. Adaeze
      I agree with you 100%, when he starts seeing the babe as a probable possibility, he should speak up and end things. A swift clean break is better than letting things fester. Besides we live in a world where a woman of a certain age gets very slim pickings while a man in his forties will still marry a hot, smart 22 year old.
      4+
    2. Miss James
      “Guy dates girl because she is hot, seems decent and perhaps pictures a future with her someday, whenever. Then one day Guy decided Babe doesn’t entirely have all it is he hoped she would be in his future. Guy does not tell Babe this but simply nurses the thoughts in his heart. Just maybe thoughts take another 2 years to grow into a full blown mummy tree. Guy decides to cut strings and get new girl.”

      I want to believe he’s not talking about this guy because this guy is a demon.

      “You have pictured your future family a certain way and though you’ve discussed starting a family with Suzzy in the past, it just occurred to you how you probably won’t be able to live your dream life together if she continues this way.”
      It just occurred to him, he wasn’t nursing this thought for three years.

      1+
      1. butterflymind
        “But what about the demon stories we hear about?”
        Let’s hope you didn’t miss this part.

        Notwithstanding though, how many people have you met who take decisions in relationships without giving it time?

        2+
    3. thetoolsman
      You’ll be surprised to learn how much we rationalise our partners’ faults after we get a little too emotionally invested. Like you said, such decisions don’t take a day, heck even a year for so many reasons but if at the end, the person does you the favour of telling you the truth as opposed to patching it up and luring you into marriage, shouldn’t you be grateful?
      4+
    4. JADE
      My aunt met a guy who moved to the uk shortly afterwards, he wanted to marry her and paid for her schooling through Uni, she confided in her friend who happened to be guy’s distant cousin that she didnt really like guy she just wanted to chop his money. the person she loved dumped her and she decided to face guy and actually tried to build something with him. He comes back to visit and bumps into distant cousin with my aunt and put two and two together, told Guy what my aunt had said prior. He goes back to london, still sent my aunt stuff from time to time, strung my aunty along for another four years, even went ahead to fix date for introduction. All this while he had gotten married to oyinbo pepper and had a little girl. When he finally ha pity on her and ended the relationship we thought he was a demon but i guess he just wanted to pay her back for using him as an ATM. Sometimes we never see the big picture in these things
      1+
  9. Blaqlotus
    Breakup is really hard for the breaker as well as the breakee.. Trust me, i know. Especially when you thought you already had him for eternity. At times you want to hold on to the good times you’ve had and those things you like about the person. But if the cons weigh more than the pros, you’ll definitely give up one day. No matter how much you try to lift or drag the relationship, it will begin to tell on you. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.
    4+
  10. aisha
    Yes, it’s true that time and circumstance could reveal off-putting parts of our “others” and a break-up is always better than a divorce… but after 5 years? have a concrete reason man! Besides, the fact that women encounter MENOPAUSE and men don’t makes us stand on uneven grounds on the matter of break ups. Don’t waste 5 years of my best egg-years and give me some “it’s not you it’s me” B.S biko
    8+
  11. Priscilla Joy
    I also advocate for early breakup, the sad thing that is prevalent in our social culture is that people who clearly know that what they’re looking for or getting from their bf/gf isn’t what they need or should get hardly speaks up but proceeds to stay in the relationship while they look for a better option. I would rather you tell me I’m not what you want on time and I find my square root than the guy strings me along (thereby making me miserable in the process because he won’t even make an effort to treat me right) for years only to make up his mind, start dating someone else and gets married after a few months, but whichever way it ends…….a broken relationship is forever better than a broken marriage. It’ll really hurt but thank God that with time the hurt fades and it’ll just be a dull memory.

    Kudos to all those who stay in relationships up to 5-10 years, one thing we should learn is to be self-motivated, passionate about our development as human beings and make efforts to advance in life, that way even if one person is doing better than the other he/she will be able to pull you up when they can because you’re trying in your own right and not waiting around to be plucked into marriage.

    4+
  12. Meyer
    I support the author’s title 100%. Life is about choice. We need to have the mindset that; when dealing with humans anything can happen and most humans ll do what suits him/her best. Even if it’s 15yrs then break up… no party was forced to be in the rship. Even after renting the reception hall, marriage counsellors will still tell the couple that they can change their minds and call it off. I married my wife after 6 years but I encouraged her from day 1 till D-day that she shouldn’t feel compelled to marry me. I also told her I understand we are in different biological time zones so she should really scrutinize me and see if I’m worth the “wait gamble”. (I’m age mates with my wife).
    Especially women who want kids (remember na choice), they should lookout for themselves with no apologies.

    I’m a Christian, serving God comes 1st…everything else is choice.

    14+
    1. Priscilla Joy
      wow I love that, not feeling compelled to marry you and the the way you approached the whole thing really shows maturity and that’s what love is, thinking of the other person’s welfare and happiness more than yours.
      4+
  13. Naomi
    Had a cousin that dated my friend when we all served in lagos 2006. I introduced them obviously and encouraged the relationship.
    Christmas 2014 my cousin wale brought a new babe home i was stunned… I noticed my friend wunmi was a bit distant…fast forward march 2015 he married the new babe…my friend invested 8years only for my foolish cousin to leave her.
    I had a lengthy conversation with my cousin – I said Tell me the truth, i am your relative just be honest with me, You knew even in the first year you were not going to marry my friend, why did you lead her on for 8 years.. You knew you knew you just knew all along you will never marry her.
    He couldnt answer me. so I asked him – what did you see in this new girl whom you met over a 2week period and decided to marry, what did you see in her that my friend did not have. he said “I cant explain it but WHEN YOU MEET “THE ONE” YOU JUST KNOW, SO I JUST CANT EXPLAIN IT.
    My friend had to be hospitalised and I was refused entry to see her, she thought i was in on the deceit too…see me losing a uni friend from 100l …over 10yrs friendship…
    7+
    1. thetoolsman
      It’s sad really but sometimes these things are hard hard to say because many will consider them “fickle”. And who knows, he might have hinted your friends several times and she didn’t listen.
      1+
      1. JADE
        i disagree about hinting, why hint? he should have just it ho-ha that he didn’t want again na, plus the babe sef, the guy must have startig acting out, why didnt she walk away? this life is just somehow abeg
        1+
        1. Nameee
          Thetoolsman you are my guy Abeg. You’ve just been making sense back to back through the article to the comments. In fact send me your account number lol
          0
      2. Naomi
        Rationalise it all you want Toolsman, be logical, be using theories, my cousin was a selfish person and there was no reason to string her along.
        Breakups happen alot so it wouldn’t have been a big deal to break up.
        It is emotionally damaging to do that. and you know what, no need for hints, break up and move on. Why manage her on the side and actively look for a wife?
        ….Apparently you don’t know how much damage it is emotionally…..
        8+
      3. Naomi
        How do you think some of the cases in Yaba left occur? or suicide cases?
        Please talk to your fellow men, this your defense article doesn’t work for everyone, you know deep down this is a patched up attempt to extol the guys.
        Stop stringing ladies along.
        If you want to break up do so, the babe will leave and everyone moves on eventually, 5,6,7,8,9,10years ah ahn!!
        6+
        1. thetoolsman
          Hold on, before we get too emotional about this. I have been both on the giving and receiving end of this so I do understand way more than you can imagine. That doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Yes, I wrote this to defend the guys who “someway, somehow” found themselves in this situation. Not the likes of your cousin who we all agree probably knowingly stringed the lady along for those many years. And let us not forget that as much as it is the guys who get blamed for this, there are many guys out there who also dump guys after long term relationships, just because they are not out here crying about it because we know how our society almost frowns at guys showing their emotional side, doesn’t mean they do not exist. As much as I sympathise with your cousin and all the women who have had to experience this emotional trauma, my job here today, which is really hard today because it’s based of a “what if” premise is to open us up to the possibility that not all guys who find themselves in this situation are like your cousin.
          4+
  14. Snow
    LOL.

    I’m a guy I am here to say that this is very evil and demonic. I’m not blaming anyone here, neither guy nor girl

    And while all the other factors are true in some cases. the only thing I’m choosing to look at here is “time”.

    I haven’t had a relationship longer than one year but I do not want to imagine having one for this long and then the guy suddenly realizes after more than 5 years she doesn’t want to marry me. Aunty, after year one and two, why didn’t you say so?

    the most utterly annoying part i’ve noticed in most stories is that the person who leaves ends up marrying someone else less that a year later.

    I can understand the “looking out for ourselves” bit and life is a choice and all, but please, it doesn’t justify our choices as good. sure, if you wanna leave after 25 years, please do so but don’t come and tell me what you did was a good thing.
    I’m probably the last person to be talking about good and bad choices but i am one who recognizes my choice for what it is. and this is evil.

    2+
    1. thetoolsman
      It’s not good? Which is the lesser evil. Breakup or divorce? I think most times the reason why those who leave find love quickly is because their partner helps them discover what they don’t want in relationships so when they see the opposite, it’s more obvious than it used to be.
      4+
      1. Itua
        That something is the ‘lesser evil’ does not automatically make it good. Sounds like you’re too eager to justify/absolve the person who ended the relationship.
        4+
        1. thetoolsman
          Of course it’s not always “good” but refer to the title of the post. My job here is to make us see the bigger picture because most times people are very one-sided about such situations.
          0
          1. Itua
            But you haven’t shown us the bigger picture, only the opposite side of the typical one-sided story. Your article and comments are just as one-sided, focusing on explaining on the guy’s behalf rather than presenting a balanced view of the major reasons why guys break up seemingly without reason.
            5+
          2. thetoolsman
            Helloooooo? The post is titled “In defence of guys…..” By bigger picture, I meant spotlighting the other side of the picture – since we are all familiar with one side already. I didn’t set out to present a balanced view.
            1+
          3. Itua
            The article wasn’t positioned that way (spotlighting the other side). The way I read it, you were defending ALL guys who do this. There was no caveat for guys who just can’t make up their damn minds or are actually leading the girl on deliberately.

            Also. It’s no fun having a conversation if you’re going to be shouting ‘helloooo’ as though I’m a retard. Haba.

            5+
          4. thetoolsman
            Retard? Camman… Last time it was the sighing. Some of us just comment like we talk especially when it’s a back and forth conversation but not to worry, I’m taking note of your preferences. Again, I disagree with you because I gave a clear scenario in the post which had nothing to do with leading girls on and if you look at my other comments here, I have made it clear more than once, as a way of helping us to stick to the right conversation, that there’s a big difference between guys who deliberately lead girls on and guys who find themselves in that situation one way or the other.
            0
          5. Itua
            No wahala. :)
            I hear you. Maybe I haven’t seen these comments you speak of (where you made the distinction) but I just felt like the post was saying that guys who break up with girls after ridiculously long relationships ALWAYS have a good reason, similar to the situation you described. Which would be totally unfair.
            3+
        1. thetoolsman
          haha.. really? You get your heart broken from a breakup but thats about it. Where do I begin with divorce.. All those people that attended your Bella Naija wedding, the families that have met and exchanged all sorts, and God forbid if there are children involved. How can we even compare.
          1+
  15. Nelo
    Toolsman, what exactly do you by ‘you blink and it’s 4 years’. No wonder beloved Pastor Bimbo (bless her soul) advised sisters to take brother aside when he is dilly dallying and demand ‘Brother, define our relationship’.
    People hardly change. If you failed to notice the bad attributes in 5 yrs, you won’t notice it in marriage. Shine your eyes. It is heartless to lead a woman/man on, giving false hopes. Break it after 1 yr or 2yrs ( for the 3 hrs a week group ). Anything less may have repercussions. Fear God na. I blinked and am still here.
    14+
    1. thetoolsman
      I disagree. People actually change ALOT. Maybe not the person per se. Chances are if you’re stingy as an adult, you probably wont change in 5 years. However, being stingy to yourself and being stingy to your partner, her family are two very different things. In 5 years, the situation may just never come up for you to interact with her family and who says the first time you do will not bring about a different side of you? Why do you think many couples fight a lot while planning their weddings? Simply because it’s a new experience, a major one for that matter and both of you will process it in different ways and arrive at different conclusions.
      0
  16. Blade
    This write up totally reminded me of an episode of “how I met your mother” when Barney started the lemon law: a law that states that during a first date with someone, you know whether u want to spend the rest of the date with this person within the first 5 minutes of the date
    This is so true, even if i spend an hour weekly with someone I’m dating due to varying work schedules, we would talk on fone naa, or even chat, you would know if u would want to be with the person long term or not. We as rational humans discern things about people not by what they tell us about themselves but by their reaction to things, or their opinion on a random gist
    To cut my long story short, it is pure wickedness to string someone along for years when you normally will know within the first few months of your relationship if you do or do not want them longterm.
    9+
    1. thetoolsman
      Im glad you said this. So do you think you’ll get the full effect of someone’s reaction to something over a phone conversation? And wont you only have opinions on scenarios or events that come up? Are you telling me that if for instance, you never got to sleep over in a room with your partner before you got married, you’d know how they sleep at night or their morning rituals?

      Finally, is important to separate “stringing” along with what I’ve described in this post. Stringing along is something someone does consciously and not by accident. Im in no way defending that type of evil.

      1+
  17. SOLODNINJAH
    Tula, Jade, Miss James, Butterflymind, Naomi, and the other beautiful people, how can you date someone for ten years + and not get married to him or her?! 10 years +! This is crazy! Why waste bae’s time and break up after ten years! 10 years no be beans oo! What’s happening to us?
    2+
    1. Miss James
      Ok…maybe I have to share my story. It may not be much but atleast it will help you understand better. I dated this guy for two years and he broke up with me, why? because he could SEE that I had issues with his temperament. I’m a reserved type, I like my man to be reserved but don’t be reserved WITH ME. When we started dating it didn’t take me more than two months to know that this was an issue but ‘I’ chose to let it slide because everything else was perfect so I wasn’t letting this “little” issue stop us. During this time of dating 95% of the issues we had were from this “little” issue and you know how women our mouth can run when we are angry, I kept giving hints that I wasn’t satisfied but I didn’t let go.

      When he broke up with me, he told me he was doing me a favour by doing what I didn’t have the balls to do. I cried my heart out but today I am very very grateful he did because I know that maybe after year two I might have realised, OMG, i need to start looking for other options and you know how these stories end.

      My question is, why can’t other people (in this context, the women) be like this guy and leave when they see the signs that they are not good enough because I want to believe we all know when someone thinks we are not good for them.

      Another thing I understood from reading this piece is that at some point in a relationship your eyes are opened to see things you were not able to see from the beginning and these things are MAJOR deal breakers for you, will you then consider the time spent and go ahead to deal with something that will give you heartache when you can opt for joy? The number of years spent can not equate to your number of years on earth. The goal is not “to get married”, the goal is to be happy but then again, what do I know.

      11+
  18. Nelo
    The first years of marriage are very challenging. My hubby told me it was over after two months of marriage .( We dated for 3yrs) Unending quarrels over things that didn’t make sense trailed our first years. Those challenges built us and in fact made me a
    stronger woman. It’s been 7 yrs. And we are still very comfortable and happy blowing each other intestine kisses (if you know what I mean). Build friendship ( not sex) while dating and divorce will never crop up in the equation.
    11+
    1. thetoolsman
      Thank you so much for sharing. I absolutely agree with you on building friendships, sad reality is that it actually isn’t that easy not with the world we live in and the unrealistic expectations of our society.
      2+
    2. babes
      Awwww…build friendship and not sex.
      Been married for a couple of months and going through a whole lot. Please share how you worked your issues out.
      0
      1. Nelo
        My dear, this is the toughest era. Pray. Pray. and Pray. Learn not to be so quick to respond in anger no matter how hot your heart gets. In my case, the issues were flimsy. Example was removing old clothes of his from our wardrobe to the wardrobe in visitor’s room. (Clothes he no longer wore ). Satan has a way of making little things look big.Trust me, love and patience will help you bear it out. My guess is that you are a lady. At this stage, treat him like a king and forgive even before you are wronged. (Eventually, the true Queen in charge will emerge efforlessly) .No silent treatments please. Discuss things that tick you off as they come up. Marriage is a journey and no two marriages are the same. One day,you will look back and smile. God bless you.
        0
  19. JAL
    Bottom line is, the guys and the ladies are both selfish. And also, people change.

    Both want the most from the relationship because it benefits them. So when it is no longer of any benefit to A, he/she has the right to end it and move on rather than waste his/her time. That is the proximate cause of why people breakup (most of the time).

    Also, people change. This is what life is about- change. Look at yourself 5 years ago. You have changed (I hope you have…for your own benefit). If both of you are not in sync whilst you are changing, you would both drift apart. It could be in 6 months, it could be in 12 years. if you are both in sync whilst you are changing, you would still see value in your being together because you would have similar interests that are fulfilled by being together.

    The truth is that we over dramatise life. We add too many emotions that fail to see the true causes of things. There is no he is being selfish, SheWastedMyTime2016, or XYZ demon. It is just both parties being selfish and only agreeing to be with each other because they both selfishly see benefits in being together.

    Do not over complicate life. It is already tedious as it is. Hope you have a good relationship (in advance)!

    4+
  20. SOLODNINJAH
    Boss Tula, yes, it is possible, but sometimes its unimaginable when you read stories and comments like this. Tula, may I ask a personal question? How long did you know in your head that your wife would be your wife when you guys were dating?
    1+
    1. thetoolsman
      I think Im the wrongest example to use here simply because it would be too easy to win this argument but since you asked. It took me 2 years. This was 3 years after our first attempt at a relationship. 3 years after she opted out because I didn’t quite “fit” the mould she was looking to fill. It’s funny how much we can grow and change in 3 years. The interesting bit for you to note is this, years into marriage I have discovered new things about her I’m not sure a younger me would have accepted to live with and same goes for her but now that we’re married, now that there’s serious love, it’s easier to rationalise, it’s easier to overcome these things together. Before her, I was in a 5-year+ relationship everyone thought was heading to the altar. I’ve written about how I found out she was cheating on me, how I rationalised it, forgave her and moved on because I thought she was the one for me, only for me to then realise I was wrong after 5 years. I can go on and on with examples but like I said, I’m sure I’m not the best example to use here.
      0
  21. kiki
    May I also add that when dating someone (man/woman) honestly after a while, despite all the changes that Tula mentioned u 70% of the time know if you want to proceed or not.
    When I first met my man, I didn’t quiet like him even as a friend, but yes it grew..and I got fond of him. Mind u it didn’t take years for me to know he was the one. Same goes for him. He proposed & I said yes.. anyway rewind 2years backwards before I met “my missing rib’ I met a guy, he’s name is Ak (one of the numerous Yoruba demons lol sorry) but really this guy dated me for a year plus..almost 2yrs then I called Le boo & asked kilode are u reading me for an M.Sc or what..lol but really eventually he left with no cogent reason..I was working & he was too. We were both progressive. No sextet though we smooched & all. I think he knew I was getting to that stage where he knew I needed something concrete so he took off.
    Anyways I feel everyone man/woman should know (commonsensically) when they think it will or wouldn’t work early in the relationship. Personally I don’t subscribe to long term ish. It’s just not my style..my 2cents y’all
    6+
  22. Countess
    I meet a man, we like each other and start hanging out. Soon after, we start doing other things and even though I’d rather keep my options open, he says no, he wants us to be exclusive and later, he wants us to commit to each other and so we do. We date for 1 year, 2 years, I am now 28 and he is 30. We talk about the future and he includes me in it We are still committed. At this point, my feelings, our feelings, time, etc are already getting invested. Our families are well acquainted with each other. We are building something. That’s what happens when two people decide to commit.
    Another year goes by and I bring up talk about the future. He’s a bit disgruntled, something to do with the job switch that didn’t go as planned. He says I should be patient so I am and assist him while he gets his job issue sorted out. He’s my man na, abi. Another year passes still, I’m 30 and he’s 32. He’s finally back on his feet and we can look towards the future again. Only we can’t because he’s breaking up with me. His reason? A bunch of bs. Nothing I did.

    Now, how will I be with someone for 4 years, in a committed relationship which he clearly wanted, Invest myself and my time (which really are the two most precious things I could possibly give to anyone) with the understanding that we are headed somewhere and then boom, it’s not what he wants anymore? Didn’t he know it wasn’t what he wanted a year ago? Didn’t he know it when he was jobless and I had his back? Didn’t we talk about the future and marriage and didn’t he give me reassurance that I wasn’t wasting my time? How on earth isn’t he wicked?

    A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage, no doubt. But for you to decide someone isn’t for you, you must have thought of it for a while. So to harbor such doubtful thoughts and not say a word and lead your partner on especially when you know your partner is thinking about marriage with you, that is wickedness. Rationalize it however way you want.

    22+
  23. highlandblue
    I’m happy that you provided a plausible back story to this. However it is quite one sided (life, that is, not the post). How come most times it’s the guys that end up walking away after years of commitment and waiting by ladies who also feel entitled because they have ignored their ticking biological clocks and societal pressures because they were waiting for their man to stand on his feet.

    If you waited for a guy to stand on his feet and he succeeded, and instead of waiting for you to stand on your feet, went off with a ready made simply because it was easier, I imagine it would seem horribly unfair especially since he is seemingly under no pressure at all compared to the pressure you endured on his behalf. And really, the divorce fear doesn’t count here. I think unless there is infidelity, financial misappropriation, threat to life (physical violence), disability (arguable but sex is important for some) or a clash of values, I think everything else can be overcome if your love is real. And if you didn’t spot these things in the first 1 year of seeing each other (for me, it’s one month) then I doubt you are being shortchanged in any way. Of course, if it becomes clear there has been deception and a misrepresentation all along, you are free and justified to leave at any time just because. Ah well. Never black and white. Thanks for the grey hues here Toolsman

    7+
    1. thetoolsman
      Thanks for reading. I feared the married ones among us will somehow find it easier to agree with post and it seems to be the case. To your point on things that can be overcome when there’s real love, I say a big hmmm… There are so many grey areas around those you mentioned and I can give you several scenarios I’ve come across that I couldn’t come up with solutions for. However, your point on real love is important but again, I’m sure you agree love grows even stronger with time. If young love is put to serious test, it may not just survive it.
      1+
  24. Ntuk
    Well done Toolsman, let me share my experience, I have been dating this girl for 5 years plus, have called it off several times but she won’t agree to go, why? I can’t see any future for us. I have sat her down to let her know we can’t marry, but she insists . She said she will only go,until either of us gets married. I have encouraged her to date other guys,as I asked for a transfer to another city,just to be away from her,but after 1 month she will call and start crying,that they are not like me. This past Xmas her mother called me asking what’s my plan for her daughter, she didn’t know her mum called me(the mum asked me to keep it secret). I told the mum to ask her daughter, and the woman now feels I used her daughter, but I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth.
    Mehn, some ladies just stay for various reasons, hoping that magic will happen, maybe because of money, sex etc. even when they know the ship is not sailing to anywhere . Apologies for any typographical error
    2+
  25. Joe
    the author ,the no if comments after few hours. the title .
    i know my evening is about to be lit.
    lemme Go back to the post now.
    I shall be back!
    0
  26. Dira
    This post just reminded me of situation that I got to see up close.

    I had these 2 friends Micheal and Temi, when I met them they were already 2 years into the relationship and they went on for 3 more years before it ended. They had the *our families know and approve of our relationship and are just waiting for us to set date * type of relationship.
    I didn’t think they were right for each though and Temi was just a horrible girlfriend (she’s my friend I can say it lol) but I got to see this because I lived with her for 3 years.

    They finally broke up after putting in 5 years and 4 months after Micheal was married. As wow everybody called him a demon and blah blah. When I finally spoke to him he said that after 5 years with the wrong person, when he finally met the right person he knew and didn’t hesitate.

    It put things in perspective for me. Now when I hear the demon stories and i just nod. There’s so much that happens and çhanges in the course of a long term relationship.

    4+
  27. 'Tunde
    I am a guy and I just broke up with someone I had been seeing for a little over 3 years. She is someone that I love and we understood each other almost perfectly. So why did i break-up with her? Because I don’t know if i want to get married. I know that sounds a bit wishy-washy, and I might change my mind and eventually get married, but right now (and maybe into the next 2-4 years) I seem to be stuck in that ‘finding-yourself’ phase and I still do not know how I will turn out.
    On the other hand, she wants a committed relationship (which I can give) which will eventually lead to a life-long partnership (which I don’t think I can give). I have always mentioned my reservations about marriage to her and she’s always listed it as one of the weird things that I say or do that she loves (I am a little eccentric admittedly).
    Does breaking up with her, after a bit-lengthy relationship, because I know eventually she’ll want something I can’t give make me a bad person? I think so…At least I beat myself up every single day for ending something that was very beautiful.
    But I know I will sleep a bit better knowing that maybe I saved her from a future with someone who turned out not quite how she expected. So I rather save her that future heartbreak and let her find someone who is totally ready and will giver her what she wants without wasting her time, rather than let her wait till I ‘discover myself’ which might take till God knows when.
    10+
  28. 5geez
    thetoolsman Biko when are you gon’ write on 43 FAFUWA street again…you can’t just leave me hanging it is not gentleman like..lol

    Now lemme go back to the post

    0
  29. Snow
    I will repeat, you don’t need to be with someone for up to five years before you realize that they aren’t the one you want to spend the rest of you life with. hell, if you’ve been together more than a year and you’re still not sure, walk away, because that shit will not work.

    When you meet the one, you’ll know. same way you’ll also know when they aren’t the one.
    Don’t drag shit on for years and then realize that you don’t want to marry them, God will not forgive you, If you’re not going to be with someone, you already know despite whatever shit life throws at you.

    7+
  30. 5geez
    well really it shouldn’t take you five years to realise that things is not gon’ work out between you too….
    but when you are young and stupidly, blind, deaf and dumb in love like me you will wait for five year, thinking the table will turn, thinking everything will soon make sense, CONFUSING myself that he will change for better even when the signs are there…
    just like yesterday post it is that period when I decide to dumb his ass that Oga will change from jonathan to Buhari making me think the change is here for real and fall heads over konga in love again…
    The whole thing is messed up jare
    Shey I saw the signs I should have left, but I choice to remain and he keeps going and coming like nepa light….
    I don’t blame him neither do I blame myself…it is this stupid things they call love and marriage…
    2+
  31. D.K
    People keep talking about early break up. What if the big reason shows up years later, do you stick in the relationship just because of the time spent together or break up and do both of you the favour of being with other people that best complement you? I say, please take a walk if you cannot stay in it anymore and push the number of years aside.
    Also, as individuals, I think we should strive to be our own major source of joy, we should create an inner happiness so that when one baboon guy decides to leave after investing time and energy in the relationship, we don’t ‘die’.
    0
  32. woyi_oc
    All necessary human salutations to you, my brethren

    First off, i love how you guys can be so civil in your discussion of issues. Major props to y’all. (y)

    Okay, the thing is I was actually discussing this same issue with a friend yesterday, but it was the other way around (the lady ending it). But I’ll be real, yo. I get where the writer is coming from. Sometimes it takes years to see things in people because different experiences bring out different things in us. My dad one told me something, his dad told him, while we were having one of our 2-4 hour gist sessions. He was about to get married to my mom and he told his dad he had found wife and his dad started dropping wisdom up and down…one statement that applies to what…ummmm

    *scrolls up to see name of writer*

    …theTOOLZman wrote: “My son, do you see your mother? I love her. But something i can tell you is after so many years together, she’s changed so much that there are days i wonder if she’s the woman I married.”

    I never gave that statement much thought as to how it could apply to a relationship till today. There are times that those “flimsy” reasons can turn the marriage a marriage to a nuclear winter. And if after dating for so long, the guy starts seeing things that he KNOWS he doesn’t want in his marriage, i understand why he’d end things after so long. “It’s not fair”? well, life can be a bead of roses, lovely to see and take a wiff of, but you lie on said bed and you get torn by thorns. It’s just how it is. He ain’t saying EVERY GUY has a good reason for ending a 5-10 year relationship, he’s saying that sometimes they really do have a legit reason that only the people in the situation can appreciate.

    But, i feel as men, we should be “considerate”. Women are on a clock, yo. That’s why they say things like “I wasted the BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE dating xxx.”. It’s not just a social clock, it’s biology. The younger she is, the less likely she is to have complications during or after birth. also the higher the chances the child will be healthy. So abeg, if after 1-3 years ehn, if you know you aren’t ready to make her your wife, abeg, let her go. I don’t have a sister but i know I’d be really pissed of some guy dated my sister for 8 years then dropped her, regardless of how good his reason is (unless she’d been deceiving him about something major or cheated on him).

    sidenote: My mother is too gangsta to let one hypothetical guy date her hypothetical daughter for more than a year without hearing anything about future plans.

    2+
    1. thetoolsman
      Hi Woyi. Thanks for the comment. Glad you also get it. Just thought to mention something about this “clock” women are on. yes, there’s a biological clock, no doubt and we should be considerate when dealing with women but there’s a major case of double standards here. I mean, I might not be on a biological clock as a guy but who says I want to have kids when I’m 35 or 40? Also, reading the comments here have made it more obvious why this issue is so cultural. I have quite a number of caucasian female friends who have been in such situations and though they felt the same emotional trauma any human being should feel from such a break up, I dont think I’ve ever heard any of them speak of the guy as if he purposely “wasted their life”.

      I don’t know when we all got together and had this convention when we agreed that 30 is the golden age we are all racing to catch but we need to start rewriting this script somehow. I know families that started with the husband 40 and wife 38 and they are enviable in more ways than we can imagine.

      1+
      1. Ojuolape
        Hi Toolsman, I just had to reply to this comment.
        I think Caucasian women are on more equal footing with their partners, hence the fact they don’t get upset about break ups after long term relationships.
        The case is not so in Nigeria. Marriage is serious business for women . At least that’s the way society makes it look,like only women need to get married.
        I(please note the disclaimer here) believe that most people know what they want in a relationship. Not long after you start,you know.As times change and the couple involved changes, they can sense it. I knew when I should have broken up my long term relationship but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Kept expecting more, demanding change. Just cause we had been at it too long and I didn’t feel I could face the reality of walking away . Starting from scratch.
        I look back now and realize how unfair that was to him and even to me. But the point of my epistle is, in the Nigerian context, women feel they have a lot more to loose.
        In the other parts of the world, each partner is in it for mutual benefit and when it ceaes to be beneficial they can move on. Not saying people ain’t selfish there, just that it’s not that big a deal to be an unmarried woman at 40. I am not sure if I communicated effectively. Forgive my typos and have a great weekend.
        0
  33. Elaine
    True story: typical, if not Africa Magic tale. Boy meets girl. Both start dating, phew, 6 years or so down the line, boy goes abroad for msc. A year later girl is still asking if the altar is still the main goal. After tireless askings and a couple of near breakups, boy calls girl one Christmas, to prepare to relocate. Girl is up trying to arrange passport and stuff. In February, Boy says it’s over. No reason other than, in his words, “I’ve changed.” and marries another. A total of 9 years gone. Needless to say, girl had a nervous breakdown. Everyone was in on the break up before girl knew. Everyone also knew he was dating someone else (both knew) over there, except bae over here. Boy was good christian o, spiro bro.
    A very shortened version of true event but the question I love to ask is what about the other lady? Did she know boy left a heart in pieces to be with her? Have you been the other? Did you know?
    0
    1. thetoolsman
      Thanks for sharing but again it is important to note that these are not the type of guys I’m trying to defend here. What the guy in question did is straight out deceit and there is absolutely no way to justify his actions.
      0
  34. yettie
    Well….I don’t think I and the tools man will ever agree on this break up debacle in relationships…I remember vividly …more than a year ago whilst I was nursing my wounds from the breakup from my ex..Now husband…I shared my story and I got a reply which made the whole thing more painful…I still will not agree that it should take u donkey years to break up a relationship…If after a year the seed of breakup germinates…biko have a round table talk and leave…don’t wait for miraculous changes..because sometimes the person looking for the so called breakup is the one with the ish
    In my case,he had cold feet and started misbehaving til he backed out…It was nothing i did wrong..It was just the plain old..I’m not yet ready for marriage
    Biko I don’t agree to this donkey years…esp if u started dating after age 25 for the lady…nobody should be allowed to play ten ten with ur life..then wake up one day and dash ur hopes just because…..
    2+
    1. thetoolsman
      lol… congrats on getting married. Just thought to point out that I’ve never said that breaking up must always take long. I’ve just tried to analyse several scenarios and maybe try to understand and justify why it took so long in specific ones. It’s very easy for all of us to be emotional about this – I mean, someone’s heart is vividly getting broken but let me ask you this, if a guy dates your friend for 7 years and just when everyone thinks they’re about getting married, they break up and she tells you it’s because she found out he was impotent or sterile or whatever, would you focus so much on the seven years or rejoice with your friend that she didnt enter a “one chance” bus?

      If we can all agree to this, then why can’t you feel the same way if the guy breaks up but this time, it’s because he suddenly discovered that she’s a totally different person around money or her idea of parenting is completely different from his and she isn’t even willing to compromise? Yes, one is more obvious than the other but in marriage, like I’m sure you know, the not-so-obvious things are just as important if not more. And thats the point of this post.

      0
  35. Olayinka
    I came late.. Damn!!.. After reading all the comments, all I can say is that leaving a man or woman after even 2 years of agreeing to be in a relationship with the person (even if you wanted to leave since 19gbogboro and the person cries his/her way back into your heart), is nothing short of wickedness. But think about it, would you rather stay and continue to have your dignity and self respect trodden everyday because the man resents you and is only with you because you blackmailed him one way or the other into staying? He may leave after 10 years as some people do in marriage too (which again I say is very wicked), but at least you have a chance to take a fresh stock of your life and learn to make better choices in the future. Or you can continue to weep about the wickedness of the one who left.
    But TheToolsman that realization after 4 years is just an excuse. Haba! We have 12 months with 30 or 31 days in a month and you say 4 years of those several months just passed you in a wink? Hmmm… Na.. Wickedness..
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  36. Uche
    One thing I have noticed (as is the case with me), is that we know when things are going south (my ex, less than 6 months into the relationship I knew) however, we’re scared of being single (or of starting again), or at least that was the issue in my case. So we hang on and manage while we actively search for someone new. Lets be honest I’m not the only one who has thought like this. It’s not young and foolish love because these things will stare at you like a lost puppy and you’ll start counting invested time and other non factors and the years will be running by. It was hard, but I’ve learned to nip all these excuses in the bud. No time. Yes I will lose a friend, lose whatever is there to lose, go back to being single, but what is important is I didn’t endure a relationship i felt was bad forever. Or for even 2 years.
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