He said, “She’s not everything I want in a woman, I am marrying her because out of the ladies I have met and I have dated, she’s the one that comes close to having most of the qualities I want”.
“I never thought I would settle down with a chubby girl. I always wanted a cute, tall and not too chubby girl, someone really smart”.
“So why settle?” I asked.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my fiancée but you can’t find everything you want in one woman”. It’s just not possible.
“And you don’t think, she’s lacking a whole lot from all that you have just mentioned?” I ask again, this time slightly surprised that he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was saying.
“Naa…you are my speck you know”, he replied.
I thought to myself, this is the reason why most marriages fall apart. He’s going to marry a woman he thinks is not good enough for him. If she/he is not everything you would want in a woman/man, why settle? First, we need to know that, If you don’t know what you deserve, you’ll always settle for less. You will wander aimlessly, uncomfortably numb in your comfort zone, wondering how life has ended up here. I know no one is perfect but is this not managing? She lacks some of those things he knows are important in the qualities of his dream woman but he feels it doesn’t matter since he can get the rest outside. His wedding date is set, he is already hitting on another woman and like he said, “he loves his wife to be”. What happened to vows? What sort of love is this? If you manage a relationship, will you also manage your marriage? It’s not a business you are venturing into, it’s life, it’s a lifetime. You can’t possibly manage your marriage for a lifetime, can you?
I can tell you what this marriage will be like. It will be a man who settled for less than he thought he deserved, who will end up cheating on his wife, and at a point might not even find her attractive anymore. It will be a woman who will end up unhappy because the husband will not give her the attention and love she thinks she deserves, she might seek to find fulfillment and happiness in other ways. The marriage might end up becoming a failure. After all, it was shaky right from the start.
I read somewhere that, a husband or wife and kids change your life, makes you more grounded or even ties you down. What people miss sometimes is the wrong spouse, the proper kind of wrong; they do the same just as hard. Knowing he/she is wrong and still go ahead with it means you have settled, made your bargain: wherever you are together, this is as far as you are going, ever. This is your stop; this is where you get off.
Why do we do it? Settle for less than we deserve? The greatest temptation you will ever have in your life is to give up on what you truly want because it seemed too difficult to find ore even when you do find it, you can’t have it. Do we settle out of fear that we will end up alone? Do we settle because we are scared that if we leave the person we are with, we will never find love again? You know, breakups have a way of shaking us awake and helping us see what we really want versus what we are willing to settle for. Ask yourself, what you feel, is it even love? Do we do settle because of security or comfort? Money can make one do a lot of crazy things. What is the motive? Are you under pressure? Pressure is a powerful thing. Like Robert Mckee said, “True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure – the greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character’s essential nature.”
You know, when we have waited a long time for what we really want, we become tempted to fill the emptiness with unworthy substitutes- don’t. Do not even try to. Yes, time is passing and it seems like everyone is way ahead, but the free time is not actually wasted time. You are living, you are learning, you are growing and that’s one of the best ways to live. Do not let the space for what you want to get filled with what you settled for.
I do not want to settle for someone mediocre, I want someone who makes me a better person and who makes me do awesome things, some who pushes me to be the best part of me. Someone that loves me as much as I love him or even more. I want it all. Don’t you? Let’s live by the words of Shannon Alder, “Too many people spend their lives in fear of making a mistake. However, here is the truth: Fear is the mistake. If you block out all the doubts and listen only to what you feel in your heart, then follow that course, you waste less time in indecision and spend more time being authentic. Life is too short to settle for part-time happiness.”
Often people that settle in life are those that only do what they can with what they have and where they are. Never settle for someone that didn’t know your worth from the beginning. Never build a life without God in it. Years from now make sure you can say that you Chose your life, you didn’t Settle for it.