On Performing Wifey Duties With A Girlfriend Title

Opinion

Don’t do it – don’t run away just yet, Dammy. I’m only here to help you, I promise. And please don’t be so quick to dismiss whatever I have to say as rubbish, because you’ve already (so quickly) determined that I won’t understand. And you’re right – I won’t understand why you do the things…

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Don’t do it – don’t run away just yet, Dammy.

I’m only here to help you, I promise. And please don’t be so quick to dismiss whatever I have to say as rubbish, because you’ve already (so quickly) determined that I won’t understand. And you’re right – I won’t understand why you do the things you do, especially for HIM. I won’t understand why you fulfill the duties of a wife for the fool that’s barely or forcefully only claiming you as his woman.

I won’t understand why you let him trick you into believing that he’s entitled to your cooking, and cleaning, and ‘secks’, amongst all the other things you do for him. I’m not judging you for having a good heart – really I’m not. And I’m not judging you for sharing the food you cooked with him, or even once in a while taking it upon yourself to cook for him. I’m merely telling you that I don’t understand why you think that taking on the responsibilities of his wife, when he is mistreating you, and not even showing you half of the respect you deserve will help you keep him.

And please don’t try to convince me that you’re doing all these things simply because it’s who you are- tell the truth and shame the devil. You aren’t- you’re not doing his laundry and keeping his house, and cooking, and bending over forward and/or backwards JUST because you’re a good Samaritan. You’re especially not doing it for someone you’re kinda, sorta, (but not really) with. Because if you were that type of person, you would do it for everyone and even if that isn’t the case, you wouldn’t expect anything in return – and let’s be honest… you do want something in return. You want his love, and his loyalty. You want him to acknowledge you, your feelings, and reciprocate the efforts you’ve been making. You not only want him to choose you and publicly declare you his woman, but you want to be his good woman- the one that cooks for him and his friends, and cleans, and doesn’t ‘run away’ despite whatever manner of disrespect he thinks to throw at you. The woman that behaves in many ways like a wife – only that you’re not. You’re not his wife, Dammy – so don’t do it.

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Responses

  1. jade
    So, is it okay if he is being respectful, claiming me and reciprocating my hard work for him? it seems like you feel its wrong to do wifely duties as a girlfriend only because he is mistreating her, what if you are already a wife then? and this mistreating starts, do you revert to girlfriend mode? I think you overly narrowed your subject matter, it is an interesting topic to debate but it has to be wider than you have made it seem above. I enjoyed the flow though.

    Can i get my screwdriver please?

  2. Cavey
    If this writeup is particularly for ‘Dammy’ and everything Temi said is true, then like she said “Dammy, Don’t do it!” because he’s using and taking advantage of you.

    If this writeup is NOT for a ‘Dammy’, then Jade has a good point. The intentions are good but the perspective is kinda narrow. Just because he isn’t treating her right isn’t a solid enough reason to stop doing what she’s doing.
    Even if a man treats a woman like a prized girlfriend and nothing more, then this amazing woman needs to find someone who sees and appreciates her worth and would want to kop her ASAP. She can’t keep catering for him, only to have some other woman whisk him away. My thoughts; show him flashes of the queen he could be blessed enough to call his but don’t crown him king. He has to want and fight for the crown before he’s entitled to all the ‘royal privileges’ fulltime.

    1. thetoolsman
      But the piece is clearly directed at Dammy. Though we don’t know all the other details of Dammy’s relationship with this guy, I think we can all pretty much come to the same conclusion you did. I think the post should trigger the broader conversation on why quite a lot of African women perform wifey duties when they only have girlfriend titles.
    2. teminiran
      So I completely agree with you and Jade, but I’m where Tula/Olushola are at. After writing the piece, I struggled with it a bit because I thought perhaps it should’ve been developed more, as I wanted the conversation to go beyond the circumstances surrounding Dammy’s relationship. In short, what I really wanted to address in this piece was not only this entitlement often displayed by our men, but more importantly, women who begin to feed into the BS (like Dammy) and believe that performing certain tasks (that they’re actually not obligated to perform) would help them keep whomever they’re with. I was hoping in essence that Dammy’s story would, as Tula said, trigger the broader conversation.
  3. Larz
    Funny enuf I was thinking about this the other day. I was passing by when the whole clan (mine, the elderly one that is) were watching a yoruba movie. So this guy was fighting his gf becuz yday he called her to make him a specific dish but after coming bk from the market, she had an emergency (her mum was hospitalised) so she kept the groceries in the fridge and messaged him about the emergency and went to help out her mom.

    Listen to the guy ranting. Apparently, she has just showed him her true colours that she is putting her mother first before him and how cud he trust her and marry her after this. If she loves her mother so much, she shud go and marry her. This girl kept begging the guy and told him she has learnt her lesson for next time (huh) and the guy disgraced and respected her and theough her out of the house. I just couldnt believe it!

    I started thinking about how the Yoruba tradition encourages this behaviour too. I remember my parents used to ask my sister’s bf if it was ok for my sister to come and do x,y and z. I was so peed off and warned them never to try that rubbish with any bf and I bring home and reiterated that fact to them years later when I bought hubby home as a bf. A bf is not a husband and a husband is not God. Lets stop this rubbish already and stop making women seem like second class citizens whose roles in life revolves around their men

    1. Countess
      It’s incredibly annoying the way *some* men use marriage as a threat to make some women do their bidding or to make them fall in line. And it’s saddening to see some women actually take this.
  4. Ann
    My case is, he treats me okay and i believe he loves me. I only cook for him every once in a while and great secks too!. Thing tho is, i don’t feel like some prized possession, havent met any of his friends after several months of dating…writing it down now made me see reality and now i feel strange. I do love him though, a lot actually. Well, back to the post, shld I be doing wifey duties for the boo in this situation? Tula, pls I need your opinion here!
      1. SeryxMe
        Err, to some extent it is actually important. Unless you know he doesn’t keep any serious friends. The truth is that knowing and meeting his friends is not a guarantee of anything but shows he’s not afraid to identify with you in front of other people he cares about. Not meeting his friends, on the other hand, can reflect that you’re just a sideshow. No matter how serious he appears, a guy that successfully keeps you away from his circle of friends isn’t ready for you IMO. I may be wrong, and there may be other circumstances in play but I’d be wary if I were the lady.
    1. thetoolsman
      Hi Ann, like E said, meeting his friends or even family still guarantees you nothing. From you comment, you said he treats you “okay”.. and you “believe” he loves you. You don’t sound very convincing and I fear this is probably because you are not. You mentioned you’ve been dating for several months. I don’t know how old you guys are but if not too young and just looking to have fun then perhaps it’s time for you to sit with your man and have the conversation to define where your relationship is going. Once you hear it from him then you have something (possibly with a timeline) to hold on to.
  5. don flowers
    Premarital sex, anal sex, gay and lesbians sex are now okay but cooking and cleaning the house of the guy you claim to love is bad?!!

    This new world order of 2016 is looking really interesting

  6. stubborn geh
    Okay so I was trained (by my mother and pastor) never to perform wifely duties for the boo when I haven’t been certified wifey. But overtime, we tend to compromise with the rules and offer the boo some “seks” as temi puts it. What makes me lose it though is when the boo starts making demands in other areas and when I refuse to do it, I am considered lazy or not homely enough e.g. Cooking.
    I’ve dated someone who kept asking me to cook for him and even wdng as far as setting me up by inviting me to his place when all his brothers and friends were around. He had bought ingredients for egusi and expected that being the only female in the house, I would cook it.
    well I did cook it. Simply because I knew my ability to cook was in question (being an ajebo and all…Lol). I even made eba and wheat and rice based the guys’ preferences. Then I left. I didn’t even eat with them or wait to see them eat their words, fingers and tongues. I just left.
    And then when the boo calls to rave about the food, I told him I was glad he enjoyed his parting gift. Yes! Call me crazy but I broke up with him.
    Nonsense behavior!
    1. SeryxMe
      Kai, Stubborn Geh! I don’t know why I like what you did, but I loved it! I hate those kinda set ups. If you’re planning to disgrace me, in front of your own people (or boys) no less, then my dear, we cannot go on. What if you actually couldn’t cook? That you broke up with him after that… Class! Lol!!! Nonsense and its fellow ingredients!
      1. stubborn geh
        Thank you o jare “sexyme”! (I actually call you that for some reason Lol)
        I got an earful from some friends who kept telling me I went too far after giving me the “guys are scarce” sermon. (some changed their opinion when I mentioned how all the guys were playing PS and the boo didn’t come to the kitchen ONCE to at least say a flimsy e Ku ise or thank you except when he came to ask if I could make rice cos one of his guys didn’t eat eba)
        My mum on the other hand was so pleased,she gave me money for shopping!
        I shudder at the thought of not being able to cook in that situation. It would have been so painful.
        1. Seryxme
          Lol! When you know what you want, you know what you want. No need for approvals from friends abeg.

          And, btw, what’s the reason you call me that? I think it’s only Debloww and Ray that I’ve given the rights for that. You might have to pay for the rights. ?

          1. stubborn geh
            Oh yeah? I think one needs to read a bit slowly to know its “seryxme” but i’ll consider paying.
            Considering…
    2. Cavey
      If i didn’t respect you before this (which i did), i do now.
      “I’m glad you enjoyed your parting gift” ???
      It oozes maturity that you still went ahead to cook even though you’d mentally ended the relationship and it oozes even more class that you knew/know how you should be treated and ended the relationship.
      Well done, SG.
      Nicely played.
    3. moi
      Okay!!! I doff my hat for/to you! You’re a G!!! I’m not sure I’d have cooked anything in that situation.. depending on my mood though.. I’d either have told him to go and buy food from an eatery or worst case made noodles! I remember back then in Uni when guys used to ask me what I call the “dumb” question.. “can you cook?” I always replied that I couldn’t but if they cooked for me I’d definitely eat. Am I your cook???
      Even hubby teases me now that the rate I cook now, if he had “judged” me back then by my ‘non-cooking skills’ (as I had relinquished the cooking “title” to my lil’ sis), we wouldn’t have gotten married..lol but as he wasn’t a foodie, I guess he couldn’t be bothered!
      I hail you again G!!!
    4. Tee boy
      I luv your move gurl!
      That was a fantastic finish. I believe that if you love someone and you think that the person is lacking in one aspect or the other, then facilitate it. After all companies that don’t love you train you to achieve their goals. So I don’t see why a guy can’t do same for his boo. (and not in a condescending way) I think she will even respect him more for it. Stubborn babe…thumbs up. I hope he learnt his lesson.
    5. Ibiela
      Wonderful! I just love you for this. My mom taught me the same and a boyfriend once broke up with me because I refused to cook for him. You just made my weekend.
  7. Funmi
    This whole gist is still based on the idea that certain duties are inherently female and that wifeyhood is a prize, neither of which are true.

    Whether girlfriend or wife, if you want to cook, cook. Just don’t cook/clean because you’re trying to win love through some sick trade by barter. If a nigga isn’t claiming you, neither efo riro nor starched shirts will solve your problem.

    Becoming a wife isn’t a prize that then suddenly merits reciprocating this great honour with household chores. Marriage is a decision two people make to become a unit and start a family, not a gold medal bestowed upon women.

    This whole idea of reserving certain treatment until you get the all-powerful grand title of wifey is toxic. It reinforces this idea of an amazing race to the aisle in which, for some reason, only women are supposed to be running.

    Also, I find it curious we don’t talk about husband duties. Don’t women get any favours out of this arrangement? Or should they just be thankful to receive ring and dick? Just asking.

    1. teminiran
      “Whether girlfriend or wife, if you want to cook, cook. Just don’t cook/clean because you’re trying to win love through some sick trade by barter.” This is where I was going.
    2. Seryxme
      My dear Funmi, as long as there’s the mentality that the man caters for the home (and that’s how many still think about it regardless) the “inherently female duties” will still remain a thing. And the “husband duties” which you say isn’t spoken of is the part where he takes care of the woman/family (mostly financially). These things still exist, let’s not act like everyone’s suddenly forgotten about that. The guy’s ‘race’, which isn’t discussed here because the article focused on the lady, is the race to be financially capable to provide for the family.

      The truth is that the same culture that promotes women doing “inherently female duties” also promotes the man as the financial caretaker of the home. A man who can’t provide for his home is as bad as (if not worse than) a woman who can’t perform wifely duties. That’s the two sides of the coin.

      Now this is not drumming support for the whole theory or culture but let’s not start raising the ‘females are victims’ banner, please. All these things are issues that need to be addressed.

      For me, I think we all have different individual preferences and priorities and you cannot define what should or should not be a prize to anyone. There are women who want to win that ‘race to the aisle’ as their ‘crowning glory’ (whatever that is) for many varied reasons and that’s really fine. You cannot deny them the joy because you do not see it that way.

      What I will advocate for is that you should be strong enough to stand up for what you deserve, no matter what your personal orientation is about marriage. This starts from you knowing exactly what you deserve.

      1. Funmi
        The reason why this doesn’t hold up is that women work now. This argument would have worked in 18xy when women weren’t expected to earn any money. It is common knowledge that many women are “secretly” the breadwinners of their homes but does that stop people from expecting “wifely duties”?

        In this day and age, especially in our generation which is the primary audience of this site, it is highly unlikely that those roles are split strictly the way they used to be in the past. The problem is many men want to chop cake and keep it such that the woman is intelligent, hot, has a great career going on etc but she’s also this submissive stepford wife with all the archaic trimmings.

        The financial “provider” role is increasingly being shared and sometimes taken over by women but the homemaker role remains completely in the female domain. Shit doesn’t add up.

        1. Seryxme
          I know this, hence, my argument isn’t the fact that women aren’t working. My argument is that “there’s the mentality that the man caters for the home (and that’s how many still think about it regardless)”. I stated it that way because lots of working women still see it as the man’s responsibility to “provide for the home”. And the fact that many women are working hasn’t lessened the ‘fear’ of guys about financial incapability before marriage.

          The fact that women are contributing to the family upkeep has also had more guys open up their minds about these said “duties”. Just read the comments from guys on here. This doesn’t say that there still aren’t men who demand these things, but then so also are there still women who believe the man provides, whether she’s working or not.

          Your claim about that being in the 18xx’s is totally incorrect. Even Eminem said in ‘Mockingbird’ – “See daddy had a job and his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom.” That’s an artist from an enlightened society rapping this in 2004. As I said, there’s still the mentality that the man is supposed to provide, and as long as there’s that, there’ll be the mentality the women have to perform certain functions, working woman or not.

          I still say, it goes both ways. And, like I said, if you’re a lady convenient with doing all the wifely things, you should at least be able to stand up for what you want or deserve and should be able to do an SG™ (Stubborn Geh), if need be!

    3. Cavey
      “Some men feel a sense of entitlement…like you owe them something when in reality, you don’t owe him anything. He owes it to himself to get his stuff together. You can support and help him but ultimately, his life is his responsibility, not yours. You could be doing everything right: washing, cooking, cleaning, great secks…everything. But if it’s for the wrong man, it won’t be enough to get him to appreciate you.”

      That’s what I’d have said.

      But Funmi said it better.

    4. Itua
      I was about to write basically this exact comment and then I saw yours, so well put that I have nothing to add except to chop knuckle. Thank you for this!
    5. Larz
      I have heard of guys paying their gfs salary. I dont know how that works though becuz I dont know anyone that personally gets bf salary
    6. olayinka
      That is what I say overtime. The decision to cook or clean shouldn’t be the problem but the motive behind it. Kilode? So reserve your cooking skills till you’re married to what end? After one month of eating that food of yours, will he not get tired? Will the washing and cleaning not become monotonous and boring and even such a chore it could become a strain to your relationship? At the end, love who loves you. The one who cooks for you too and helps with your laundry too. Your friend. Shikena. Thank you are Funmi
  8. Miss shagalot
    Yo Stubborn Geh!!! It’s definitely something you would do and an absolutely worthy parting gift. Now I particularly don’t believe in acting d wife if he ain’t acting the ‘awesome husband’. It’s amazing how some girls get to stay over for the weekend… Make meals for he n his guys, do the dishes, do his laundry and be freak d the bed. Truth is if you ain’t the Wife(I aint talking abt “boo”, “bae”, “our future iyawo”. I mean the legal, church or court ordained wife), then you shouldn’t be caught performing thoes duties. That’s what we Yoruba’s call. “Abalejayan” (means helping the owner of the fish fry the fish).
  9. Gb
    I once lived with my older cousin who, out of the goodness of her heart, housed me and two other guys at no charge. I’d still hear these guys complain about how, as a woman, she should be cooking, not making grown men pick beans, or cook rice, etc and they honestly did not realize what was wrong with that kind of thinkng. I was very intrigued by this behavior until I had a chance to meet one of their mothers and the effusive way she apologized for giving me “only one piece of meat” explained a lot. Her son would have rejected the meal!
    Some men just want to be waited on hand and foot and don’t want to cough up for a maid. Those guys, whether you’re their wives or girlfriends or they just ran into you on the street, they’d want the whole works from you. If you can’t deal, if you’re not one of those women like his mother who considers it her God-given duty to wait on men, avoid them.

    That said, everyone likes nice things. And I freely admit that if I had two women I was considering romantically and I had no other clear factors that could help separate the two, I’d pick the one who liked ‘mothering’ me, who was homelier. Not like I’d demand it of her but it’s just nice to feel cared for. Nothing oedipal intended.

  10. Dr. Baruu
    Stubborn Gyal…8 gbosas for you..
    In all honesty, I don’t understand why some folks do this…
    My fellow guys, whats the ruckus in cooking your own meal? And this preconceived notion that a lady must know how to cook to be labelled a wife material? Blah, Bullocks…
    Met a Gyal one time, she was fly, ookie dookie and all…
    Went to see her the first time at her place! And what did she do? Rushed into the kitchen to start making a meal, while smiling sheepishly watching out for any nod of approval from yours truly!
    Heck? What phucktardry?
    Food??? Food??? Do I resemble one of dem refugees??? What happened to sitting our asses down and having a decent discussion? Let’s talk a lil bit, c’mon…
    Our Breed needs to do better! We need to unlearn a lot of things…
    Amin!!!
    1. Cavey
      I don’t know why but the story if Mary & Martha came to mind after reading the Dr’s comment.
      It’s not always about the services but about the companionship. If i need to, I’d get a maid/housekeeper. Your primary duty as a wife/girlfriend is making me a better person; that means helping me overcome fears, challenges, driving me to do better and stuff like that. Yes, cooking, laundry and whatnot is fine but only if you know its NOT a duty and i don’t expect you to carry them out.
  11. Olushola
    I’m very very sorry, I must apologise first. This is my stance.

    The only responsibility a girlfriend owes her boyfriend is love, companionship and support given that it’s a mutual reciprocity involvement. You don’t owe me anything else. What ever benefit you choose to offer should be discretionary rather than obligatory

    It’s not even given that you should kill yourself for him after marriage.

    The issue is, the Nigerian dating handbook is the problem (and that’s a discussion for later) and that’s why bros can date antie for 4 years and still not marry her even though she’s permanently bent from bending over backwards. (indulge my lame attempt at pun).

    So whether he loves you or not doesn’t make you his cook, house keeper, laundry manager, and/or sex object. You may just give him glimpses of what awaits him or not.

    1. Air
      Correct….u just read my mind….all I owe him as a gf is love, loyalty, companionship nd support….the rest I give r just added bonuses….
  12. Nelo
    Why would a man put a ring on that lady’s finger when there is nothing to look forward to. Free bed warmer, free food, free cleaner, free laundry woman. All guaranteed before the ring. Mbanu.
    1. Funmi
      Why are sex, food and cleaning services incentives to put a ring on it? So basically the guy doesn’t need a partner, he needs a magical pornstar/chef/cleaner hybrid… I see.
      1. Tee boy
        I agree with you but in all fairness I think there are incentives women want from men too so as not to sound too one-sided. Having said that, societal demands have changed on gender requirements these days and things won’t be as they used to be. People tend to want different things from their partners.
    2. jade
      Isnt this rather myopic though? so the only thing the woman is good for in a marriage is for fucking, feeding, cleaning and washing? o ma se o
  13. Uche
    While we are at it, can I tell a story of how they broke up with me when their house became a den of legion of men and I stopped cooking and they kept complaining that I didn’t cook? *sigh. I have suffered sha
  14. SOLODNINJAH
    Mehn, I love everyone’s comments! You guys are three much! Stubborn Geh, I’ll cook for you oooo! Just name any local soup, and I will do it, even though I fit no go sabi the soup wey you go mention, me go learn am. Muah!!!
  15. Nosa
    Nice Post.
    Love the comments.

    I have just one question or a couple of.
    These duties that y’all speak of, who defines them? Is there a rulebook somewhere that states that certain things are reserved for husband/wife and not for boyfriend/girlfriend? You can cook for your spouse but not your unmarried partner?

    I’m sorry but i don’t like these rules/duties, whether you are the breadwinner or not, do something for the other because you want to and not because you have to. All these mentality of ascribing duties and shunning from certain ones because it’s the other person’s duty leave nothing done.

    This status of husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend reminds me of an argument i had with a friend last year about the whole institution of marriage and how the 21st century society has seriously undermined the philosophy behind it.

    Dont wait until there is a ringer on your finger before you feel you can “want” to do certain things for someone neither wait until you can call her your Mrs before you can “want” to do for her. Do it because you want to.

    People wake up and want out of marriages so easily these days, you’d think they were just dropping an elective course, so while you may keep an eye on the future, don’t forget to live and enjoy the moment as much as you can. Don’t let the idea of “duty” stop you from doing anything. And if tomorrow you decide to walk away, do so with the belief that your time was not wasted

    1. Seryxme
      Your statement about the institution of marriage and the 21st century is totally on point. People don’t even know what marriage is anymore so it’s just like any other institution, waiting to be scrapped once we all silently decide that it’s obsolete. That’s where we’re going.
    2. Anon
      “I’m sorry but i don’t like these rules/duties, whether you are the breadwinner or not, do something for the other because you want to and not because you have to. All these mentality of ascribing duties and shunning from certain ones because it’s the other person’s duty leave nothing done.”
      Are you single abeg. This statement has won my heart. I keep saying it over and over again. But I keep hearing how much of a child I am
  16. Butterflymind
    I’m enjoying the comments a lot more than the original post… it’s just awesome! 😀
    As for moi, i teach my men (friends, boifys, parents sef) to visit the kitchen when they need to. Yelz o. I cook, you serve yourself most times. Even my 8yrs old cousin knows how to visit the pot.
    I don’t understand why there are men who insists a woman must prove her domestic viability before wifing her. I mean if all you want is good food and laundry services, get a maid. They’ll throw in sex if that’s needed too.
    But you want a companion, then stop making the women around you feel like they’re simply Martha’s.

    Stubborn geh, love your style o jare. What nonsense!!

    1. SeryxMe
      I’m not even a good cook and I’m not a fan of going to the kitchen. Kitchen duty I’m most comfortable with is doing the dishes and even that I prefer to do at my convenience, though I can wash mountains of dishes, when I’m ready, without any complaints or strain. BUT I don’t expect my gf or wife to be my cook or a super cook for that matter. When my people try to joke about my lack of cooking skills and say “your wife will just starve you if you get her angry, when you don’t know how to cook”, I just laugh and tell them what I’ve always told other people – if push comes to shove, I can cook for myself because no matter how bad the food is, I’ll eat it. I do kitchen experiments a few times when I’m alone and I eat whatever I cook anyhow I cook it.

      I can live with my ‘defect’ perfectly and if wifey is a kitchen person, all great! We’ll most likely spend kitchen time together many times anyway. If she doesn’t cook fine, we’ll find a way around it. I actually added going to professionally learn some culinary skills to my bucket list just because I would like to cook something special for her sometimes, not even because I want to make sure I can do it for myself. I envy guys that know how to cook, especially those with those special cooking skills.

      I really don’t like how some guys feel so entitled that their gf or wife must always be the cook, do their laundry, clean the house and stuff. Even if I’m lazy about these things, the solution for me isn’t with someone else coming to handle them for me. It’s me getting myself to get these things done.

      1. Miss James
        Cooking is not as difficult as people make it sound tbh. Think of it like titration in a chemistry class or some sort of art project. All you need to know is what ingredients you need, how long it takes for the food to be ready, at what point you need to add which ingredient, and if at the end it doesn’t taste well, improvise, if the seasoning isn’t enough, keep adding little, by little, that’s all…
        1. SeryxMe
          Thank you, Miss James. Truly, I know me not being a good cook is basically down to me not wanting to be in the kitchen. I just don’t like to spend so much time cooking. To be fair, I never did like titration that much (and Chemistry was my favorite subject in school.) Funny thing is, when any of my exes cook, I have no qualms being in the kitchen with them doing all I’m ordered. Lol. I’ve come to conclude that if I’m ever going to learn to be a good cook, bae will be the one most likely to teach me, if she’s willing. And I will still take that professional culinary course. 🙂
  17. Blaqlotus
    I love cooking, so i’ll cook regardless. Not for you, but me. Don’t expect me to wash your cloths, i won’t. We will clean the house together, it’s actually fun when you and your boo work together. I grew up seeing my dad and mum split house chores, my brother wasn’t exempted from cooking or washing dishes, or cleaning the house. Like GB said, it’s the men who have been waited on hand and foot that expect you to be a cook,cleaner and laundry woman to them.
  18. Olushola
    I differ in my opinion on “it’s the men who have been waited on hand and foot that expect you to be a cook,cleaner and laundry woman to them”

    I won’t go far looking for examples, my younger brother is hopelessly lazy that he needs everybody to do everything for him. Sister washes his clothes whenever he’s too lazy to get the laundry man, he can even pay her to cook for him whenever she refuses to, we always fought whenever I told him to clean our room.

    No, we didn’t grow up with anything given to us, in fact we grew up with things taken away from us. And we grew up all boys until much more later so we were trained to do house chores. I cook, wash, still can’t allow the sister wash for me; I hated washing my big brothers’ clothes, keep the house on my own.

    Point is, sometimes, some guys are just too lazy.

    If a gf decides to do chores for me, fine, I’ll be grateful for the fringes, if she decides not to, I have my hands, all I need / and can give is support and companionship. Life is too short to wait on a woman to be your errand woman.

        1. Olushola
          Lol.
          He’s actually bigger than me so he can’t wear mine. He’s not a dirty person though, just lazy, he knows all the good laundry men in town. How hard can it be to throw your clothes into the machine and add the detergent? Smh.
          The only time washing is easy for him is when he’s trying to convince you to help with his.
  19. QT
    I think the problem can be traced to how we were all brought up. I’ve been to homes where the male children aren’t given any chores or duties whatsoever while the female children slave away with all the household chores. The guys just come home from their “arinka”, put their feet up and expect food to magically appear before them, complain about the taste and portion of the food, complain when there is a stain in the toilet seat and a whole other load of crap. I grew up as the only female child in my home and one thing i appreciate is that i wasn’t made to feel like it was my duty to cook, clean and pick up after the boys. If i was cooking, they’d pick the beans or do the dishes or just participate in one way or the other and I on the other hand was taught how to change a light bulb, put on a generator (even when the keystarter was faulty) and fix a faulty extension box. (Not that these are yardsticks to measure the performance of “male duties”, but…….)

    My point is boys who expect that a girl must perform wifely duties as a girlfriend were most likely not taught the right ideals while growing up.

  20. Tiwatayo
    Hmmm. Where do I start from. The boo and I started dating while we were medical students. And as God would have it, male and female medical students in UCH live in the same hostel. Final year in medical school was when I ate the best kinds of meals in my life. The boo loves cooking, she’s even thinking of being a chef. So, most times, she didn’t see it as a duty to cook for me (or us, because we used to eat together.) There were a number of times she actually didn’t feel like cooking but she said she still cooked because she loves me and she loved the feeling of taking care of me. (sometimes, though, we went to eat at the cafeteria together).

    Maybe it’s the mentality of wifey duty that made her do it when she didn’t feel it. But I think I made it easier because I had “duties” too. I just can’t imagine playing PS while she would to the market under the sun. I used to drive her to the market (she couldn’t drive then). I used to gist with her and we’d do the cooking together. She’d do most of it but I can chop carrot, cut onions etc. And a few times, I’d do the cooking, if she’s too tired or I want to surprise her. I used to wash the plates many (or most) times. I was doing this cooking and washing plates on the corridor of the female wing. Imagine the look my classmates (boys and girls) used to give me. ‘washing plate for woman, his junior for that matter, all because of what. Msheew’. I was concerned about my reputation initially but it came to my heart. “It’s my relationship, not theirs. My life, not theirs. The joy of the woman God gave me is my priority. He didn’t give me as slave but as complementary fit”.

    We were both living on pocket money, so we’d contribute to go the market. Sometimes, only her money, sometimes, only my money. We actually used to do almost everything together, well, except sex. Almost every action I took then, I considered her and so it was easy for her to also consider me. Men, if you make the atmosphere conducive, a woman can do more for you than you’d except. This goes for the woman too. (although there would always be exceptions)

    In conclusion, most men are very selfish!!! They want to eat their cake and have it!!! Dear woman, if he’s not showing you love in ways you love love, be careful when pouring out your love in ways he loves love. Run from users.

    1. Femme
      Bless you Tiwatayo!!! I just reevaluated my life with this comment ..
      “dear woman, if he’s not showing you love in ways you love love, be careful when pouring out your love in ways he loves love”

      Thank you!

      1. Tiwatayo
        Imagine your girlfriend/bestfriend lived just opposite you. We read for exams together. We went to fellowship in the same car. We did basic, non-romantic things together. Watched TV, listened to messages. Prayed. We also did romantic things together, like go to the movies, take strolls, go on dates. And to the topic of this discussion, we ate together. Lunch and/or dinner most days, sometimes I even come for Saturday breakfast. And don’t think we are too clingy or we don’t give other space and time. Nah. We are both very busy, friendly and outgoing people. We still live our independent lives. Rolayo writes (even for TNC), she goes out with her friends, goes for meetings. But we just discovered that life is a lot easier when we live it from each others’ side. Of course, relationships are different. I’m engaged to a friend of 9 years, close friend of 6 years and best friend of 4 years who lived only 2 minutes away for 3years. And we haven’t had sex. There has been TIMES when I wished we were just married! You know…But soon anyway! I hope I’ve explained my statement now Nosa.

        I’m not saying all relationships are like this. I’m just saying that there are some people you do things for and it’s worth it. You don’t see it as duty or something, you just see it as the least you could do. Like you are just living life. If you find that kind of person/relationship, you are blessed and highly favored. If not, choose wisely how you invest your resources. Don’t give goats your diamonds.

        1. Cavey
          Yes ladies. Men like this still exist!

          God bless you, TiwaTayo! I wish you and Rolayo the very best life has to offer.
          Please, invite me for the wedding o!

          PS: Classic Yoruba ANGEL!

          1. Tiwatayo
            LoL but Cavey, you know it’s really not about me alone. If the boo didn’t do a lot also, the man might have started feeling like a fool or something. But love is expressed in a symbiotic relationship. Each person would want to do more next time.
            Don’t lemme start another long post. But it’s EASIER (not automatic) for a woman to be the queen you want, if you are the king she wants.
            And I wish I were the classic #yorubaangel o!
          2. Cavey
            Yes Tayo, i know it takes both of you but it seems to come more naturally to women to want to make ot work; that’s why we men are generally tagged as takers, not givers. That’s why i applaud you. Not many men would see something wrong playing PS while their woman cooks or understand that “it’s my relationship, not theirs…my life, not theirs”.
            That’s why i applaud you.
            You understand.
        2. SeryxMe
          Lol! Tayo, if I were to give my interpretation of Nosa’s question from previous contributions, I think he’s wondering why the sex part is so important that you guys didn’t ‘go there’. He’s more of a “sex is just sex, nothing more” kinda person, as far as I know.

          Ok, let me stop jumping the gun here.

  21. Provoked
    Okay, I’m constrained to speak up on behalf of the other species of guys since all the dudes here are all forming enlightened and new generational, including Thetoolsman.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong for a girlfriend cooking for her man.

    Read my lips and be sure to take my words to the bank. Absolutely nothing wrong!! All you folks applauding Stubborn Geh would probably have had a problem with her attitude if you were in her BF’s shoes.

    I’m a bloody good cook and I appreciate good food. I appreciate it when my woman cooks for me and understand when she refrains. I do not make her cooking or doing widely duties a condition precedent to anything.

    I care about her irrespective!!!

    In the case of Stubborn Geh, the BF obviously pushed things a little too far rather than having a chat with her over the issue. I cook for my female friends and I don’t see why they can’t cook for me.

    In school, I would cook and call them to come eat and they will run down bcos as I said earlier, I’m a bloody good cook. When I go to their houses, I also demand to be fed bcos we need a good relationship it doesn’t never an issue.

    I’m not saying women should slave for their men, far from it. I’m saying that in a mutually satisfying and respecting relationship, we ought to do things for each other bcos we care for each other and not bcos we are following some rule book.

    I’ve gone to my girl’s house and cooked and there have been times when I joined her in cleaning. ( I look forward to doing more to relieve her of domestic responsibilities)

    Cook, wash n clean if it makes you happy, demand respect at every point bcos you deserve it.

    If you are uncomfortable with said duties, discuss it and seek for a work able compromise. You don’t walk away from a valuable relationship bcos you were asked to cook ordinary food!!!

    Ordinary food o!!!?

    1. thetoolsman
      hmm.. where to begin.
      Interesting how you think people are “forming” enlightened. This is TNC and I like to believe on such topics, we’ve managed to cross that barrier a long time ago but seeing as I can’t speak for everyone, I wasn’t forming with my comments.

      Let me just highlight some parts of your comments I found somewhat “interesting”… “Demand” respect at every point bcos you deserve it” – As far as I’m concerned, respect is earned and should not be demanded.

      “You don’t walk away from a valuable relationship bcos you were asked to cook ordinary food!!!”

      In the comment you’re refering to, was she really “asked” to cook. And even if she was, and let’s not even get into the type of food she was “asked” to cook, I mean, does one person pounding yam for seven guys still qualify as “ordinary food”? But let’s even forget that, the point I’m trying to make here is, like you also mentioned in your comment, did this still qualify as something she was doing for him out of her love/care for him or simply something she was being made to do?

      Is it not our people that say “na from clap dance dey start” or something like that. Today it is “ordinary food”, tomorrow, she is being offered to one of his visiting friends as mid night snack – extreme, I know but you get the point I’m trying to make.

      We are all different people – what you can’t take is what you can’t. The same way you believe respect should be demanded is the same way she believes having to cook for her man and his friends is something that needs to be earned, It’s not a matter of forming, or living your life off rule books. It’s personal preferences and we all need to respect each other’s preference. In the case of Stubborn Geh, clearly her partner didnt respect her enough and that was a deal breaker for her. The End.

        1. thetoolsman
          Yes, respect should be given freely but only after the person gives you enough reason to respect them. You might kneel to greet an elderly man by default because you don’t know him but upon experiencing him and he turns out to be womanising pedophile, tell me, will you still kneel to greet him?
    2. SeryxMe
      Gbam! Mr. Provoked, Tula just said it how it is. And for someone not “forming enlightened”, you sure share most of the opinions of those “forming enlightened”. Case in point:

      “I’m a bloody good cook and I appreciate good food. I appreciate it when my woman cooks for me and understand when she refrains. I do not make her cooking or doing wifely duties a condition precedent to anything.”

      I doubt those “forming enlightened” will disagree with you at all with that statement. So no, no one is “forming enlightened”. It’s just common sense to some of us. I think your main grouse is everyone supporting SG’s position on her situation, so let’s address that.

      I respect your having a differing opinion but you just didn’t make a justifiable case. You actually agreed her boyfriend “pushed things a little too far rather than having a chat with her over the issue.” (this can also qualify as “forming enlightened”, though :D) but you have a problem with her walking away “from a valuable relationship”? What in the whole scene that played out makes this relationship “valuable”, biko? Or it’s just the ladies that should be grateful for being in a relationship? If she isn’t valuable enough for him to sit down and talk about the issue he has with the situation and all he could do was set her up, I think it’s fair game she didn’t think him valuable enough to continue the relationship. I still ask, what would have happened if she could not cook in that situation? What was the plan? Humiliate her, shame her, then what? Nothing valuable about that, sorry man!

    3. Larz
      When you come to my house and I feed you. That is becuz in accepting to host you, I have made a decision to also feed you. So your example of cooking for your frns and so on doesnt matter in this situation. She went to her bf house and he already shopped for items and all the ppl listed out their food orders- pounded yam, rice etc. Na restaurant? Even my husband self wont put me in that position. More often than not, he will order in. And if I was cooking for such a large group, we would have agreed on it beforehand.

      The man in this example is an entitled man. And more importantly, he doesnt have his girls back or he would put her in a position that could possibly humilate her like that. That is how you handle ppl that are disposable to you not those you want a lasting relationship with.
      The best relationships including friendship requires respect for each individual and meeting them at their level

    4. Countess
      When you go to your friend’s house(s), you “demand to be fed” in return because you cooked for them? Huh! Anyway, about Stubborn Geh’s comment, you are in Jigawa and the point is in Osogbo.

      “All you folks applauding Stubborn Geh would probably have had a problem with her attitude if you were in her BF’s shoes”
      What attitude? She didn’t want to cook for him based on her own principles and she wasn’t obligated to either. It’s a thing of choice. Shikena.

      “You don’t walk away from a valuable relationship cos you were asked to cook ordinary food!”.

      How do you determine that the relationship was a “valuable” one? And she wasn’t just “asked” to make ordinary food. The boyfriend who knew fully well that she didn’t want to do cooking duty for him, set her up by putting her in a position where refusal to cook would have been highly embarrassing. And just imagine if she actually couldn’t cook. Seriously, didn’t we read the same comment??

      Putting your girlfriend on the spot like that is disrespectful and was a deal breaker for her.

      1. Stubborn Boi
        I’ve read all your views and I respect and appreciate them.

        I however also think Stubborn Geh and all such women are selfish. She said she compromises on sex but is it really a compromise?

        A previous post here established that sex is a mutually enjoyed activity so when she talks about a compromise, she’s actually talking about benefitting herself.

        Cooking was important to her BF, she took it for granted the dude did what he felt was necessary, which we might quarrel with but he believed, and honestly, I might add that he needed to put her in a tight spot to get her to cook for him.

        Yes, it is wrong for a guy to use such stuff as a precondition for anything. It is equally wrong for a woman to come into a relationship saying that sacrifices and compromise of such nature would never occur.

        We each have expectations of our would be spouses and different things are important to different people. For some, before even getting serious with a gal, they have to be sure that she can cook and maintain a home in proper condition, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have no intention of helping out.

        I personally never thought I’d wash a woman’s clothes ever but I have ended washing pant and I’m looking forward to doing more of it, I’m sure my Pastor and parents have an opinion on that.

        My submission is this: “Stubborn Geh and her ilk are selfish”

        On another news, Wetin person go chop dis nite sef?

        1. SurprisedNSomewhatIrritated
          I initially wanted to vex seriously for you but changed my mind. Your comments no too deserve reply.

          Tah! Yeye dey smell. A woman refuses to be a free cow but that makes her selfish. God help the females in your life oh.

    5. SurprisedNSomewhatIrritated
      First we’ll hear “ordinary food oh”, then we’ld hear “ordinary clothes oh” then it’ll be “ordinary sex oh”. The sense of entitlement plaguing our generation of men is appalling.

      You don’t come to my house to demand anything! You cooked for me because you felt like it or wanted to. That was your prerogative. I will return the favour if I choose to. Not because you “demand” it. There is no law that states I must reciprocate. I don’t know what kind of female friends you have but if you come to my house to form levels, my guy, I will walk you out!

      You don’t pay my bills or salary so if I feed you, chow with gladness and if I don’t, swallow spit till you reach your house. Shikena!

      1. Stubborn Boi
        It’s attitudes like this that produces purposeless relationships, and we have too many of that these days.

        These days, people go into relationships for undefined purposes. When you truly care about a person and want to be with that person and when the said person feels the exact same way as you, the things you once considered unbreakable begin to appear re-definable.

        I personally consider the sex issue a no go area, as I’m of the view that two unmarried people have no business having sex (but life is a bitch and stuff happen) but it is fallacious to assume that the pressure to have sex always comes from guys to girls. Big fat lie!! The girls that have pressured me for sex are more than the ones I have pressured, so I think we should forget the argument of ‘ordinary sex’.

        the aspect of sex being a mutual act and not a gift has been established so we shouldn’t even go there.

        Relationships where both parties come with their individual unbreakable rules on minor issues is bound to fail.

        I do not subscribe to servitude for a woman in the guise of a relationship and I especially do not consider cooking as a form of servitude. Cooking is not a difficult task that one cannot do for a person he or she claims to be in a relationship with.

        Washing on the other hand is neither here nor there. It has nothing to do with being married or not. Some people just hate washing, I know I do. There are cheap washing machines and dry cleaners all over and women in marriage hardly wash so it has nothing to do with wifely duties.

        However, when in a relationship, I should think compromise for mutual benefit is to a certain degree the watch word. Both parties must do their best to build their relationship.

        Countess and Tiwatayo has said the rest I’d have like to say below.

  22. Provoked
    Thetoolsman please I just made a comment which didn’t appear, citing moderation et al. Help take care of it, please . I de vex big time
  23. Nerdu
    I’m that kind of “I can do my own stuff” kind of guy, but living with an ex one time like that taught me a lesson. The world evolving, women are no longer required to slave for their husbands all in the name of marriage et al, but we have to agree that some females have become slothful and lazy, looking for a man that would do everything for them. Some guys sef gan, go as far as washing their girlfriend’s clothes. True story. Personally I can’t marry someone that can’t do chores and wash and cook. I’m not saying she’d be doing all, I’d help out as much as I can, but to leave everything for me and maybe the maid, well, impossicant.
    1. Cavey
      Hello Nerdu.

      My issue with what you said is this;

      “Some guys sef gan, go as far as washing their girlfriend’s clothes. True story.”

      You make it sound like a man doing his partner’s laundry is less of a man. Maybe i’m forming ‘enlightened’ but in relationships, BOTH parties are equals. If a woman is ‘expected’ to do laundry/kitchen duty or whatever, the same demands are required of the man.

      See ehn, there are NO rules laid in stone for successful r/ships. If doing my partner’s laundry AND being the ‘breadwinner’ of the home is what works for us, then so be it.

      1. Miss James
        Teinz…There should be no rules laid out for any relationship, all you need to do is understand your partner, if you judge me by my abilities to do laundry you won’t even introduce me to your neighbour as a girlfriend because I come from a family where my dad and elder brother used to wash my clothes like every other day and so I get freaked out by the sight of clothes that are more than three in number so I can’t wash, whether with a washing machine o, I don’t like it, on the other hand, I love love love to cook.
    2. Cavey
      But you have a point.
      Some womem, in the name of feminism/equity become lazy and don’t pull their weight in the r/ship. Let’s just remember that this ‘weight’ doesn’t have to be in domestic chores…she could be the emotional shock absorber or the voice of reason in r/ship or whatever.
  24. Nessa
    I don’t think it’s wrong for a girlfriend to clean or cook once in a while for her man, but when it becomes an expectation/obligation, is where it becomes a problem. And I think that whether or not the boyfriend is mistreating the gI’ll friend that is performing wifey duties, she still shouldn’t do them out of a sense of expectation/obligation because then it might as well be cohabiting. I think we need to save some things for marriage. Also, just to point it out I don’t see the boyfriend doing things a husband would do for his girlfriend. So if we’re going to do this at all, let’s make it equal
  25. Brownie
    Arent i just lucky to bé on TNC! Una too gbaski abeg…i mean ever since i stumbled upon dis Blog its been from one eye/brain opener to the other … So i’ll just sit back nd LEARN from u Brilliant Beautiful minds from different walks of life.
  26. Miss shagalot
    Hey Toolsman, for the name Miss “Shagalot”… Can’t remember the story behind it or why it stuck, but it was given by Stubborn geh (yeah I do know stubborn geh outside TNC) so maybe she would remember why she chose the name. *wink*
  27. Countess
    If it gives you pleasure to cater to your man/woman, go right ahead as long as you aren’t doing it in a bid to prove to him/her that you are “wife/husband material” and even then, do it in moderation if you arent married else, if the the relationship hits the rocks, you would feel really really used. And be sure he/she genuinely appreciates your effort and isn’t just using you or keeping you around for said domestic benefits.

    Personally, I like to cook for my man from time to time but doing his laundry is a no-no. I hate doing even my own laundry, I pay someone to do so or I go to Laundromat and so can he. If that makes me “less homely” to anyone, so be it. I honestly can’t be bothered.

  28. Eddie
    Hmmm interesting comments. I think Tiwatayo’s comment is probably my favourite. I started writing my own opinion but enough has been said.
    Personally, my boyfriend hardly ever eats in my house. Quite a few times, I’ve offered him food when he’s come round but he always refuses to eat, apparently because he doesnt want to get used to eating in peoples houses in prep for when he gets married. I found that interesting but it works for him. So different strokes for diff folks. Find what makes you both happy.
  29. DeeDee
    I have been married for a couple of years and prior to, I did not subscribe to wife duties on a girlfriend pedestal (I still dont).
    I tell all single people not to, as I did not marry the boyfriend I used to cook for either.

    Don’t let another girl eat your sweat!

    1. Tiwatayo
      Hmmm, DeeDee. I really try to not look at it that way. “Don’t let another girl eat your sweat”. If I see it that way, I won’t buy a nice gift for the woman I love especially if it cost me a lot. The man won’t take his babe on regular dates. He would be measuring his commitment, because somebody else can end up “eating his sweat”. Then the man doesn’t do anything for the woman, just in case o. Because they may not marry.

      Means it wasn’t love in the first instance. I think when you love, love! If the relationship doesn’t work out, at least you know indeed loved and did it the right way. You know Jesus died for people even though he wasn’t sure they would care about him after.

      I’m not pro-foolishness o. Be wise sef in love. That’s what I think.

      1. Dee Dee
        Tiwatayo
        When I say “don’t let another girl eat your sweat”, I am referring to guys who date other girls on the side and have no shame in serving her what gf-wifey cooked.
        I don’t see why one should give a man everything he should enjoy in a marriage just as a boyfriend
        Where is the motivation to marry you then?

        I have seen many men marry girls who could not boil water and yet gf-wifey was forming Cordon Bleu Chef on the regular….

        To each his own…..

  30. Mafiaress
    Stubborn geh I like your maturity in handling that situation. If na me I for waka comot, to hell with whatever they want to think. I taught myself a long time ago to stop trying to convince people. U try so tey u cook variety for am sef.
  31. Provoked
    I have to seek permission from Toolsman and all the members of staff and especially the wonderful members of this community to thank all the commentators who have spoken for balance especially the ladies who admitted to cooking and loving it.

    I was beginning to feel like a mean inconsiderate male.

  32. gurlnextdoor
    I actually believe that it should be a choice to cook or not. I remember back then when I left home to go write WAEC in another city where my elder brother lived. He was excited at least I’m his youngest sister so I would have to automatically serve him. I guess he forgot that I had never cooked while he was at home or that I hated kitchen activities. I remember a day I came back from my exams and was demanded to go and cook. I didn’t argue rather I picked up my phone and called my Dad and the warning which stuck with him till this very moment was that I came to do exactly what he came to do there, so if he was hungry, he should go cook. I know how to cook but don’t just like doing it and my Bf who loves to eat fortunately or, unfortunately, decieded to love to cook. My point is respect people’s opinions, strength and will power irrespective of the gender.

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