Are Women The Worst Abusers?

Opinion

I was reading something posted by a friend on Facebook where he was discussing a man who had detailed how he endured abuse at the hands of his wife. He tried several times to report her to the police and they ridiculed him, asking how he can be abused by a woman. In fact, they…

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I was reading something posted by a friend on Facebook where he was discussing a man who had detailed how he endured abuse at the hands of his wife. He tried several times to report her to the police and they ridiculed him, asking how he can be abused by a woman. In fact, they told him he was not man enough if his wife would abuse him and he came crying to them. The husband retaliated once and he was jailed. From then on, he made a decision not to lay hands on his wife lest he kills her.  He moved out of their home but still supports her and their children.

As I write, I imagine the wife screaming at the husband and telling him that he was useless. I see the husband sitting there trying to ignore the woman but she presses on harder. The man stands up asking her to repeat what she is saying and she does. What follows is the man beating the ‘evil spirit’ out of her. She cries and screams “he is killing me.” The neighbours come in to help and find her crying hysterically, telling them how her husband had beaten her. I am sure she goes on to lie about the conversation they had earlier on, leaving the neighbour to blame the husband as it is “confirmed” that men are perpetrators of violence or abuse.

The question that arises then is- are we, women the worst abusers? I do not have an answer to this question myself but I know straight up that some women have mastered the art of verbal and emotional abuse.  On top of this we have also mastered the good lie skill – “that which will not kill you, will make you better.” Women are very good at emotional abuse and we become very defensive about it. We were created with so much intelligence which we exercise wrongly. The abuse that we exert is extreme and has no visible scars and only then, when the men beat us, do we scream criminal.  The words that come out of our mouths push the men to the limit and they beat us.

Men accepted a long time ago that they were the culprits of abuse. It is time for the women to also accept that they are guilty as well. We are so abusive but we do not have the strength to withstand the fight with men. I remember a time when I was in a toxic relationship myself, I did not want to let go although I pointed out faults to my boyfriend. As I look back I am surprised at the angry defensive person I was. I would argue with him for taking a power nap in the middle of the day and would mention how he needed to work on his life. I would scream at him for no reason. Finally, he felt it was time to break it off. He called me out on things that I did, how I was so controlling and wanted things done my way. He pointed to me the anger and hate that was within and I was not aware of it. I defended myself to the point of hurting his feelings and I did not know I was controlling and actually abusive to him.

It does not matter how independent we are or how much we earn as women but respect in all things is important. Men should take charge but they themselves need to show the women respect and adoration then the world would be a better place for all of us. It is shocking how a sweet thing that we are supposed to enjoy hurts the world so much. The damage that women do to men is powerful. Spoken word shutters bones, self-esteem and personality. A person who is being reminded every day that he is ugly, worthless, not a husband or father becomes angry. Anger is poison to the soul, destroys every good thing within and any good deed that had a chance of growing. It extends to the rest of the world, people kill and steal from each other and rape.

We are all guilty. Somehow we have committed sin with our mouth. The words that we have planted in someone’s life were not words of encouragement. The world is filled with rage. We will have nothing to offer the next generation but a world filled with immorality.

Do we really want to see that happening to us?

Photo Credit: CLASSIC105

Responses

  1. Optimus Prime
    Are women the worst abusers?

    Considering the fact that women abuse children more and stereotypical lesbian relationships are the most violent in human history, I think the answer is a resounding YES.

  2. Seriously...
    No doubt both men and women are capable of perpetrating abuse.

    My advice to anyone (male or female) is to get out of any relationship that is abusive. If you have tried addressing it through counselling and what not and your partner no want take steps to sort their issues, no harm in waka passing.

    If you have a loved on in such a situation, ring the alarm on their behalf oh. Sometimes, those in it have a hard time seeing what is going on and/or walking away.

      1. Seriously...
        There is no doubt shame is a big part of it. Between religion and culture, we have boxed ourselves in when it comes to abusive relationships. People choose sides and the person running away from abuse, just like victims of sexual abuse, get put on trial by the rest of us.
        1. LincayaD Post author
          That is true. We think about the outside world and forget that we need to live aswell no matter what other people think of us. Prayeer can change somethings but other things need us to act and God will bless the smart mind lol!!
  3. anonymous aboki
    I’ve received some really choice insults in my lifetime. I certainly felt abused at the time, violated even…

    But if we consider the fact that I brought it on myself, it then becomes a case of all is fair in love & war…

    In sec. school, some girls walked me all the way to my hostel from classes, making ’em insults rain. I’d called their ringleader’s mother short, she was short..

    Pri. school, these group of girls ran past me, each 1 of them giving me a sound smack on my nonexistent ogoh. I went & professed love to one of them earlier..

    So yea, women do dole out their abuse, but, I don’t think they’re the worst. Since we are speaking generally, all the evidence, facts & figures point to the other sex.

    1. NO2_EFX
      I don’t think it’s a matter of who is “worse.” Or who abuses who more. But truth is even if you want to compare, how many men will willingly admit that their wives push them around, insult them, belittle them in front of the children etc.?
        1. woyi_oc
          Nope. No talk. We creatures of Action….romance, comedy, drama (sometimes), thriller (MJ style), horror (for the serial killers) etc.
    2. LincayaD Post author
      Maybe all the figures point to the other sex because we are quick to report men who abuse us and the other sex keeps quiet. There are few man who talk about being abused by their wives, we all know that.

      Thank you for your insight. If you do that to a High School groupie you will be mocked til you drop out/ complete.:)

      1. Optimus Prime
        All figures point to the other sex because women get hurt the most after initiating the abuse.

        In 71% of all nonreciprocal partner violence instances, the instigator was the woman.

        In many of these IPV cases, the women don’t even expect the man to hit back and when he does, they are quick to dial 999.

        Who would the cops believe more? the 5ft 3 inches woman or the 250-pound, 6ft tall man?

        Who would the cops believe more? The teary-eyed woman claiming she did nothing to warrant the battery or the frowny-faced man?

        1. Olayinka
          You know this your generalization isn’t being honest. Agreed there are women who instigate but it is not in all cases. In many cases, some women have been so subdued that they even cover up their abuse by lying that they ran into walls and what not. Those are the ones who end up dying. And their number increases by the day.
          1. Optimus Prime
            It’s not generalisation – it’s a well known fact. The information isn’t far-fetched. Like I said, women get hurt the most when things escalate but majority of intimate partner violence are initiated by women.

            If you look at Child Abuse stats too, women are the worst. Lesbian relationships are the most violent as well. It’s the men that actually underreport the violence against them because of the social stigma attached to it.

            In my neck of the woods, if a man calls the cops to report domestic violence where it’s his word against the woman’s, he would most likely be the one to get arrested. Cops don’t believe any woman can hurt her partner and even if she does, he must have deserved it.

            Posted from TNC Mobile

  4. Ray
    I don’t see it as a matter of sex.
    I see it as a matter of respect, common sense, wisdom, maturity etc. the ability to keep your mouth shut cos you know the words coming from your head are not nice. The ability to keep your hands down cos you know beating is not the solution. The common sense to know that foul words and bullying are just as bad as physical violence. The wisdom to understand that you shouldn’t do to others what you don’t want done to you. The wisdom to understand that communication, when kept sane, is gold. The maturity to let things go when hurt and not always feel the need to leave the worse mark.

    Who are the worse abusers? This shouldn’t be a competition. Violence pays no one.

  5. sara
    I’m a lady. And relationships aside, I think women are more abusive. Those words we plant in people’s minds every now and then, it tears them down. We dnt expect them to react, and when they do we shout *foul*

    Not saying men do not abuse o, but women do it more often.

  6. Tee boy
    Not sure who is worse. But women are well armed with the power of manipulation. Add that abuse. The guy doesn’t stand a chance.
  7. Monique
    Women are not the only ones responsible for verbal abuse. I never knew that men can nag too until I married my husband. He would insult not just me but my family and my friends. I never insulted him or his famity, never compared him with anybody buy he never failed to tell me how he came to save me from spinster hood.

    Anyway, none of the sees are worse when it comes to verbal abuse. Men too sat hurtful things to their women for no excuse.

  8. Olayinka
    I think that people are being a tad bit unfair to women here. See, a woman whose husband has made it his job to for instance be a philanderer, knowing she cannot physically match with the man, will definitely resort to verbal abuse as a means of expressing her anger. Or a man who is constantly drunk and never bothers to provide but also steal from his wife and still beats her when she protests will definitely get the abuse. At least from my observation from my environment growing up in rural Owo, those were the prevalent reasons. I am by no means undermining the abuse that some men do get from their wives but I do not think women are worse abusers.
  9. Larz
    I am disgusted by this post. Not for pointing out that women can be abusive but for making a competition out of it. Women are the worst, men are better. I am sorry, what price are being handed out?

    I have seen men and women in my life go through abuse and I have to say it is absolutely disgusting to say the least. This experience does not just impact the people involved but affect their families and loved ones too. Tha

    The fact is everyone should own up to their own mess. If a man blames a woman for nagging him to beating her, I am sure the woman can apportion blame to the man for doing something unacceptable such as cheating etc. And where does it all stop. One thing I do have to say is this
    a) if you beat someone to death, would you be willing to live with yourself because after all, they made you do it…
    b) if you nag someone so much that they plung to death right infront of you from a tall building. Will you be happy to say it is their fault for driving you to nag them.

    If you are being abused, walk away from it all.

    1. LincayaD Post author
      Dear Larz,

      I am now addressing you as a adult and not a blogger. If you read clearly there is no competition or what not here. Secondly, from the comments, if you have taken time to read through you will understand that we are addressing all the sexes to own up to abuse and not point it on one side. Women should own up as much as men have done so.

      For your benefit. I am a woman writing this because experience and sight seeing led to knowledge and proof that women are pointing fingers at men for being criminals instead of doing introspection and asking themselves what is it that we, women are dedoing wrong that may lead to such behaviour.

      Lastly, we are ffighting against disgusting abuse not sexes. that is who we should address and not fight each other.

      Yours Truly,

      LinC.

      1. Larz
        Hi Linc

        I am not entirely sure of the fringe benefit of being addressed as an adult over a blogger. But thanks I guess?

        Your intention might be to get everyone to own up to their mistakes but because of the emphasis placed women causing men to beat them due to their own actions such as nagging, it can be used as an excuse for abusing people.

        Perhaps, addressing the different catergories of abuse without infering a causal relationship will help address this.

        Like I said earlier, if someone ends up in a hospital or worst in a morgue, the defence of she nagged me to it wont hold. And yes that is the advice I will give to my brother, future children etc.

  10. DEJIDOPE
    The words that come out of our mouths push the men to the limit and they beat us. – wrong, very wrong.

    As much as i un derstand what you are trying to say, it almost sounds like a post blaming yourself for a man been abusive towards you in a relationship, it is never the woman’s fault.

  11. OluwaPRtoyosi
    The fact that this piece is coming from a lady I really stand on the pedal of a bicycle called WOW. Indeed that’s nice. I have overtime said it that the world is totally unjust and unfair to men when it comes to issues of emotions.

    I have and won’t ever be a part of woman beating, but I feel women who bring good men down with their mouth, and say he has no right to do nothing should ask God for forgiveness. Examples A man says I’m not eating am full she gets grumpu and start talking plenty till it degenerates into lambasting, a man and a woman have an argument in the middle of the night, she abuses and the world says work away, which I agree with but how long….God help us all. Women/ladies remember the words u say to your man either brings him down or motivates him to love u more..

  12. LincayaD Post author
    Women/ladies remember the words u say to your man either brings him down or motivates him to love u more..indeed.

    The post is meant to trigger our thinking and really look at the world and how we contribute in violating someone’s right to be happy in love and live fully. Relationships were meant to add value in ones life and not drag them on the ground like a piece of gabbage.

    Men easily react to being put down and for us, our mouths are the better weapon. Most men now decide to keep quiet and walk away.

    The walking away makes us angry “come back here o” we call out.

    It is better to calm down and address issues than snap and get bumped.

    Even the bible says it “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” You do not want me to start preaching now :0

    1. Bk
      “The words that come out of our mouth push men to the limit and they beat us” Really?

      You basically said men beat women and the reason is because women insult men. It reads as you justifying men physically abusing women. And that is wrong. Is it only women who insult? You think physical abuse from men isn’t 100% of the time accompanied by emotional and verbal abuse? You think men aren’t also capable of verbal abuse or you think they don’t perpetrate it? You think it’s an act that is exclusive to women? Wawu. Most men also perpetrate verbal abuse, it’s just not as loud because the proof isn’t obvious compared to physical abuse. So it seems it’s something only women do.
      All I’m saying is You can frown upon verbal abuse perpetrated by women without highlighting it as the justification and reason that men resort to physically abusing women. Kudos.

      Posted from TNC Mobile

  13. Funke
    While I understand the author is trying to highlight a point she feels is irrelevant,I do feel a tad sad to read this article. You see…people are trying to raise awareness about domestic violence and women are slowly being encouraged to speak out which is a slow but monumental breakthrough. A piece like this just seems to antagonise these efforts. Essentially what you are indirectly conveying is yeah men can be abusive BUT BUT sometimes we too can be abusive/deserve it.there are no buts. There will be a time for your insight on female abuse and you can lend your voice to it then but for now let’s focus on domestic violence
  14. Elsie
    Oh well. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Not every man with a nagging wife beats her. And some abusive husbands have quiet sweet wives. This is not a “cause and effect” situation. A nagging person will always do so, regardless of who he/she is married to. And an abusive man/woman( physically) is simply that, abusive. These are two separate behavioural problems. Trying to say that one causes or is as a result of the other creates room for excuses for behaving that way to be made.
  15. Ufuomaee
    This is a great reflective piece, and I liked how you drew from your own relationship. I’m concerned with the generalisation of women being the worst abusers… or even the generalisation that men are abusers. But you are right that we are all guilty one way or another.

    I think your post was really looking at the hidden abuse that is emotional and psychological, which both men and women are perpetrators of. You may even be right that in this regard more women are abusive than men, while it is a known fact that more men are physically abusive. However, it would be good to have some statistics on this aspect of emotional abuse.

    If the definition of emotional abuse is disrespect, then you can blame women. But there are men who are emotionally abusive in a controlling, undermining way. To the extent that one is a reaction of another would need empirical research! However, the post leaves a lot for us to think about, with a need to look at ourselves to make sure we are not being emotionally abusive and provoking our loved ones to acts of violence.

    Thanks for sharing 🙂

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