It hurt didn’t it? It hurt so much that you couldn’t breathe.
You body was heavy, you mind was filled with chaos.
There was no answer. There was an answer.
You asked yourself how to heal didn’t you?
The voices in your head gave you different options.
The voices outside your head gave you different options.
No one gave you the answer.
Femi, it hurts. It hurts so much I can’t breathe.
How could you let me go through watching your casket being lowered into the ground?
The same memory plays over and over in my head.
You’re looking at me, tears streaming down your face. You look desperate and exasperated.
I call you selfish. I tell you I’ll never forgive you. I tell you I hate you. I say something that makes you look at me with a different kind of pain. What did say to you? What did I say?
I feel heavy, I feel numb. I feel nothing, and I feel everything.
Someone hands me a white rose to put over your casket.
Someone else gently pushes me towards the casket.
What did I say to you Femi? Why did you look so hurt? Why did you look so disappointed? Why was I apologising to you? What did I say that made you hug me and made you thank me?
Someone just grabbed the rose from me and put on your casket.
Did I tell you I loved you enough?
You knew, didn’t you? You knew I loved you. I know you loved me.
Can you hear your mother crying Femi? She’s not crying, she’s wailing. Femi…you broke her.
I don’t blame you. I understand. We all gave you different options but none of us gave you the answer. I can’t blame you. You were begging us for happiness. For peace. For understanding. And you tried. You tried so hard for all of us and for yourself. You tried to hold on. You went out more. You smiled more. You talked more. You prayed. You did well.
They’re shoving dirt on your casket now Femi. I’m waiting for you to get up and say that was just an option and not an answer. I’m being selfish I know.
That scene again. You hugged me tight. You hugged me too tight. You said you were very sorry and I knew that you were saying goodbye to me. I knew there was nothing I could do to change your mind. We both cried for hours, holding each other. But what did I say to you before that?
There’s too many people in this house. Faces I’ve never seen before are offering me food in my own home.
You mother’s sick of it. She’s asking everyone to leave. They’re looking at her like she’s crazy and turning to your father to calm her down. He just thanked them for coming and opened the door.
Someone just burst out laughing. Everyone is staring at me.
Oh. I’m the one laughing. I’m laughing Femi. Now they’re all whispering but walking out slowly. You’d have laughed with me.
“This is why your father calls you weak!”
Ahh…that’s what I said. I hear it now. That’s why you looked hurt. That’s why you were disappointed. That’s why I apologised. You said you were. You said you were tired of trying. You hugged me and said sorry. You told me you loved me. You asked me if I loved you. I told you with all my heart. You asked me to understand you. I said I did. Why did I say that? It’s like I gave you permission. Why did I say that?
You mother is hugging me tightly now.
It hurt didn’t it? It hurt so much you couldn’t breathe.
It hurts Femi.
It hurts so much I can’t breathe.