What would daddy say? His precious baby all snuggled up against a man he would consider in every respect a man…well except for a career choice. It’s going to be a good day today; I can feel it – literally.
Dare looks so serious in his sleep. Even when half conscious and spooning with a hottie, he still seems concentrated….damn.
Remind me why I’m smiling again?
This is stupid. I should hate this guy. Without my stash, I’ve been half dead…
HA! As if I wasn’t half dead before…
That’s it, I need to stop talking to myself…
“Wakey wakey.” I tap Dare gently
He wakes up and in the space of two seconds he creates a wide gap between us…. Prude.
“Good morning” and just like that he starts to walk out.
“Really? Good morning and the in-house version of a walk of shame? We didn’t even have sex for chrissake?”
He stops and turns.
“You want something to be ashamed about?”
He pauses as if for effect, as if contemplating his next move. He turns around and starts walking towards me…and I think he’s going to kiss me?
“Fine”…and he does just that. Not for long but long enough to register ‘something’ in me. His lips were gentle, not like others I’ve kissed.
And just like that, he stalks off saying nothing.
“Good morning to you too” I laugh.
To be honest, I liked it…I liked it a lot.
Yeah. It’s going to be a good day but not because of Dare. It’s going to be a good day because today, I’m seeing Koye.
Breakfast, a shower, TV, books and our session; I channeled all my happiness into writing a well-behaved letter to my parents which Dare says I will hand deliver to them once my treatment is complete. We talk about the reasons I decided to choose meth as my drug of choice and the subconscious crap that led to where I am today. Typical psychologist banter.
Session’s over and I want to leave, but he stops me.
“I was thinking we could go out and grab some fancy dinner tonight. Put you back out there, test you maybe.”
“Umm. I don’t have a fancy dress.”
I’m lying; I have one set for Koye tonight.
“We can take care of that. You’ve earned it.”
“It’s not like a date right?”
“God no! Our relationship is weighed down enough by your quirks as it is. An actual date would kill one or both of us.”
“Haha. Yeah.” I’m not really laughing. His declaration strangely makes me sad.”
“The Silver Gate Restaurant tonight?”
“Why don’t we try that new place, The W, I hear it’s pretty cool.”
“Okay. I’ll make reservations.”
“Wow. You’re really bringing out the big guns. You sure it’s not a date?”
“Do you want it to be one?”
“Well let’s see. You’ve bathed me, we’ve spooned, shared a morning kiss and oh, there was that night I can’t seem to remember what we got up to. I think a date is pretty much in order.”
He went quiet for a moment again processing his words.
“Pick you up at 5:00…in your room?”
“That you will”
And that’s enough to keep me silent and continue walking to my room.
Dare got me this silver dress. It’s all sorts of insane. I wonder what he was thinking when he got it? I don’t care; it’s perfect because Koye be able to take his eyes off me. I’m in full predatory mode, demure eyes, bold lips, maximum neck, minimal cleavage, lots of leg and hair swept up. I look like a classy freak.
I meet Dare outside. We complement each other very well and wow he wears a suit to perfection.
She looks… well damn.
The W is so… fancy I almost lose myself in the ambience. The restaurant is perfectly decorated in a 60’s theme and the service is impeccable. In minutes we are seated at our table and the night is going smoothly – excellent conversation, good food and ‘non-alcoholic’ wine. The cigar smells coming from one corner of the room make me feel better. If only I had a quick shot to calm my nervous insides.
Where is Koye?
Some woman stands up to announce her engagement and we all applaud… till I see the groom to be.
My heart races three times faster. I feel like I’ve just survived a death-scare. I look away and then look back at him. He looks so different now. Considerably lighter, still charming, but almost demure.
“Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom.”
I order a bottle of whiskey at the bar and cart it to the bathroom…where Dare is waiting at the entrance.
“You really think I’d let you sneak off all on your own?”
He takes the bottle and grabs my hand.
“Good. I was about to ask us to.”
“Could you please not drive so fast? My head hurts.”
Silence…then he slows down.
“Why won’t you talk to me?”
I’m too angry to resist.
“Fine. What do you want to know? Where do I start? The point where I discovered the man I was getting clean for just got engaged, or I should back up to the part where I slept with you so I would have some emotional leverage and you wouldn’t write me off as an insane case and throw me out, or the part where I crave a hit every freaking minute of the day? Oh wait, there’s also the gross diet you’ve put me on which I HATE. Add that to my daddy issues and the fact that I’m actually starting to really like you, but I’ve probably screwed it up now because of all I’ve said. Yeah that’s it. Just your regular teenage problems.”
I want to break down badly.
Dare keeps quiet till we get home and at that point I’m dead close to sobbing my bones raw.
He sighs and picks me up. This time, he takes me to his bedroom, plops me on the bed, hands me a shirt and starts taking his dinner suit off.
“You are selfish, irrational, beautiful, emotionally stunted, brilliant, and exceedingly annoying. I knew what I signed up for when you essentially gave me a firsthand view of your masturbation sessions in my office. When you slept with me and lied about it the next morning…yeah, I remembered. Led me on to believe we were making progress when you wanted to go back to your lifestyle every minute, but I’m still here aren’t I? How do I spell this to you? I’m not going anywhere. But you don’t get that, so I’m going to give you a choice. You are free to leave right now and forget we ever met, find another psychologist, get on with your life and me mine. Or, you can sit this through till the end and see how things go. Your choice”
“Hold on. One more thing. I can’t only be your therapist. I’m too sucked in to be rational with you. So we are going have tons of more accidents because you are accident-prone and I don’t think I can continue to live logically with you like a random housemate. I’m going to kiss you now because you looked so damn good in that dress and you look even better in my T-shirt with your messed up hair.”
“So. What’ll it be?”
I don’t get many chances where my life seems movie-esque, so I act coy, look up shyly and say “I choose you. I’m in… all in”
There are no words for the next few hours.
Koye is forgotten. I’m not sad; I don’t want to kill him. I even feel almost happy for him.
And for the first time since my sessions begun, I feel hopeful for recovery.
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