Drug Diaries Episode 11: Out Of Sorts

You know how people are supposed to be all happy and glowy-esque and super cheesy and so on when they apparently fall in love or in my case try to get over my object of drug ridden lust by pretending to like someone else? Yeah you get the point.

Because as much as I hate lying to Dare, I like my recovery better. I don’t like Dare. He’s old, excessively smart, self-righteous and doesn’t deserve a shitload of hell like me. Also, I’ve found a new addiction although he hasn’t found out about it. Say hello to my new friend – the cutter.

Cutting makes me happy. Honestly, the blood makes me happy. The pain is terrible, but after my detox session, a few sharp scrapes on my anatomy feels almost blissful. But I told another lie

I hate my recovery. It’s hell. I’m pale, screaming inside with unhappiness, heartbroken because the person I thought I really liked is probably engaged to the opposite of me and quite frankly, I’m frustrated at my seemingly rapid recovery that won’t go fast enough.

On the good side, I’m quite healthy. I can eat normal food, have lengthy conversations and the sober lifestyle is gradually growing on me. A weary sort of acceptance has taken over my mental framework and for the first time, I have no priorities. My life is blank and I can fill it with plans that might work out. I have a shot at a proper life for the first time in years.

But there’s also the tiny issue of the insomnia and nightmare ridden minimal sleep.

I got started on the meth, and my dreams were insane. Creative Kilimanjaro’s that threw me back to mundane existence with a curse on my lips. Now these dreams have the opposite effect. Ice hot, dewy cold psychological fissions of pain in the worst possible non-physical way. The worst part – they are lifeless, blood ridden alternate realities with one recurrent theme…my death.

I don’t dream about my family, or David, or the torture I have endured in life. I dream about my ascent to a bigger purgatory, an endless one filled with painful cries of innocents that have been hurt by things I have no consciousness of. I dream of white empty fields, flowerless, with my blood slowly seeping through and destroying whatever purity lay before it. I dream of my lifeless state, plopped right in the centre, alone, loveless.

And subconsciously, I rub at my ankles. The one place Dare would never see a cutting mark. Props for ingenuity.

I get the blades when I go on grocery runs. He lets me drive now. Says it’s my me-time. I drive semi long distances unable to think of anything because he’s not there to push ideas in my mind.

Do you see my quandary?

I’m in need of a man I have little attraction to, but I have to pretend to like him because if I don’t, I am an existing zombie, incapable of human behaviour. Heck, he has had to re-teach me a lotta things. Showering properly, making good conversation.

He teaches me to exist.

David took the existence out of my maturing self when he got me hooked and as I slowly detox, Dare is infusing me with life, albeit slowly.

I force myself to a semi-conscious state as the hours pass. I hear his footsteps as he makes his way for his morning caffeine, showers and gets into his work clothes. His leave is over. He walks in plants a peck on my head, mumbling words about his schedule and then leaves.

He’s different now…almost aloof. After our almost mushy confessions of highly clichéd feelings, he’s withdrawn – almost. Giving me time to recover I guess.

***

Glad to be out of the house, I get in the car and half speed to work. The days don’t move fast enough. They seem to stretch into one endless day and Fareeda, well Fareeda is…unstable.

She’s like a ticking bomb – on edge. She tries to pretend all is good, but there’s something off. She’s responding well and is significantly less destructive. Still, she’s not happy. Half animated conversations, blank eyes and a constantly straight mouth.

I know what to do.

***

He missed our session.

He missed our damn session. A tear finds its way down my face.

I’m getting overly emotional over a missed meeting.

Where the hell is he? It’s late and he’s not home. He promised dinner.

The bastard.

I can’t stop pacing. Goddamit where is he?

Oh my God, he’s left. He’s left me. Seen through my scam.

Everything is blurry.

Can’t focus.

Can’t breathe.

I fall on the floor, the tears fast building up, chest cavities compressing my heart.

He’s gone…

He left me.

Like I left my family.

Like Koye left me.

Like David left me.

Like I left myself.

He’s left.

I’m in pain. The kitchen isn’t too far away.

I should call him first… see if he wants to give me closure.

FUCK! Calm down Fareeda calm down.

Why is the house spinning?

Need. Drugs. Need. Drugs, badly

I dial his number.

***

Ironic (Alanis Morrisette)

The phone’s vibrating, but there’s a policeman around the corner.

Bloody traffic.

***

He’s not picking. I stumble into the kitchen.

The table knife is there, shiny and oh so inviting.

I recollect a snippet of memory.

“If you wanna cut well, cut vertically. That way, they won’t be able to stitch it up”

“Also, lock the doors.”

Lock the doors.

Two quick slices and I’m bleeding and happy.

It’s my nightmare manifested.

All alone, on a neutral floor, the blood slowly seeping through, staining.

All. Alone

Quiet house…as usual.

She’s probably sleeping.

I make my way to the kitchen for a much needed drink. Dealing with a burgeoning sociopath is not easy.

What the?

There’s so much blood.

I pick her up and touch her neck…

There’s no pulse…

************************************

This series is written by @FareedaKhalo and it’s supported by the good people of Barows21. Check out www.barows21.com for all your favourite international magazines. You can read previous episodes here. Comments and feedback are always appreciated.

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Comments
  • jayajade

    first?

    April 26, 2012
  • Noooooo! This wasn’t supposed to happen! She wasn’t supposed to die. I had such high hopes for her. Please don’t let her be dead.

    April 26, 2012
  • timiebix

    :'( wanted to be first. so sad she's dead. after all the struggles 🙁

    April 26, 2012
  • yettie

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME……

    April 26, 2012
  • Tobi

    She better not be dead

    April 26, 2012
  • jayajade

    yay first!!!! *doing the thingymajig*
    hope she doesn't die die sha…..that'd just be soo sad

    April 26, 2012
  • Annie

    I know this's gonna sound mean but i'm gonna say it anyway, even though I know some of you are gonna judge me, cos TNC is a place for honesty…
     
    The first thing that popped into my head was "I hope she actually DID kill herself"…closely followed by relief at the possible end of this series. I'm gonna spend the next couple of minutes trying to figure out why I never got into this series. I just find it so tiresome. 🙁
     

    April 26, 2012
  • The first thing that popped into my head was "I hope she in fact did murder herself"…closely followed by relief at the possible end of this series. I'm going to spend the next couple of minutes trying to figure out why I never got into this series.

    April 26, 2012
  • Well then…

    April 26, 2012
  • niyoola

    Got their thoughts mixed up at the end. Nothing to indicate the transition between her thoughts and his, as done in the preceding paragraphs.

    They should all die jor!!!!!!!!!!!!

    April 26, 2012
    • thetoolsman

      Na wah o.. meanie..

      April 26, 2012
  • kayshawy

    At last…..

    April 26, 2012
  • dat ibo gurl

    i know she didn't really die so am gonna save my sad face. In other news happy happy birthday Toolsman how do i send ur gift across

    April 26, 2012
  • iyamilele

    This lady girl is quite annoying. I'm still not sure if I want her dead hehe, but still a sad story 🙁

    April 26, 2012
  • ladetawak

    Is she dead? She can't be dead. I was hoping they'll get married or something. But I don't think she's dead. Y'all are trying to throw us off a little

    April 26, 2012
  • Jikiboy_

    She definitely isn't dead! It's not meant to be like this Fareeda.

    April 27, 2012
  • Adekemisola

    She can't die now! Except TNC wants to end the series sha.
    P.S. When's 43 Fafunwa resuming?

    April 28, 2012
  • Naa

    wait WHAT???????!!!! i actually really like this series, hopefully this is just a temporary snag. oh and yeah fuck koye for moving on with his life. he sucks!

    May 1, 2012
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