She walked in wearing his t-shirt over leggings, greeted him with a cheery good morning and proceeded straight to drop his shirt on one of the chairs. She got some juice from the fridge and started heading back into her room. Then she stopped.
“Oh and by the way, last night was fun. I knew there was more to you than uppity shrink.”
And then she continued towards her room.
“Fareeda, what happened last night…?”
“What? We got wasted, danced and screamed at a couple of neighbours. Big deal.”
And then it struck him…she didn’t remember. Best to keep it that way.
“What I mean is, we exhibited bad behavior towards the neighbours, but that’s not the point. Seeing as I’ve fulfilled my side of the deal…”
“I’ll see you at four o’clock sharp doctor Ladipo” she said with a tone of finality in her voice.
He watched as she walked into her room leaving her door wide open.
I just lied; but considering the fast change of Dare’s facial expression from alarm to relief when I pretended to forget, the lie seemed to be a good choice. Still, I couldn’t get off the sick feeling of irritation knowing I was lying to him and myself too. It was horrible, and as badly as I wanted to feel, I wanted more to be healed. So if I have to pretend to like Dare to give him an irrational reason to continue my sessions, then pretend I will.
And more importantly, I needed to heal fast… Koye was coming back home.
I heave a sigh of relieved anguish as my memory starts to flutter and I remember the man who was responsible for my life’s biggest decision: the decision to turn clean.
His name is Koye – Koye Coker.
Koye was the exact opposite of what I stood for. He was educated, responsible and had a bright future. I met him and for what seemed like half a lifetime, I pictured my life outside of meth. With Koye, I began to picture a stable me, one who went to school and didn’t disappoint herself or anyone. With Koye, the meth cravings were toppled by the need to be loved and if giving up the meth meant having his love, I would ride that wave to extinction.
But with Koye, I was a stranger. With Koye, I was a pretentious hopeful, holding on to her fickle fantasies of being rescued by a brown eyed-prince charming. He blinded me to the realities of life that were so open when I was high out of my mind. He sobered me up to my potential, but blinded me to reality. He lifted my imagination to ecstatic heights and then he left me, and when he did, life turned a full three sixty and landed me flat on my head. He crushed me, and like my depressed family, the meth was there to alleviate the pain. Only this time, it didn’t. It intensified it.
Nights after nights, I drowned myself in intoxicants, writing about the boy who broke my heart. I cursed, screamed and cried, but I was not angry at Koye for breaking my heart. I was angry because Koye showed me the alternative to being an addict. I had tasted what life could have been for me, and suddenly, the meth took on a bittersweet quality.
I wanted out.
A couple of years back, he had travelled for he got transferred to the great white north. After five years, Koye was back and I was determined to show him I had changed. It was going to be him or no one else, because you see I loved Koye with the intensity only a drug addict can know. I loved him when sober and when high out of my mind. I loved him even when I hated him. I loved him enough to get clean. He had to come back to his senses and take me back.
I needed a hit. All the emotions were making me woozy and soaking up whatever meth I had in me.
I’m dizzy, and my body hurts. I should sleep.
I stand up to close my door and I see Dare looking at me weird.
“I know, I know. Four o’clock.”
I was now doing this for Koye and I was sure as hell going to take it serious.
I’m stumbling now. I get into bed and fall asleep comfortably.
You are not a devil, you are simply using unorthodox means to help an unorthodox patient, so quit feeling guilty.
He had spiked the morning coffee with Clonidine. Clonidine was sometimes used in drug rehabilitation centers to detoxify alcohol and drug addicts. It is, after all, common for detox methods to involve the use of some other substance. He knew that as long as she came to their sessions, wasted, she would make no real progress. It was time to take her seriously, and make her take him seriously. He had only put a minimal amount but saw her stumbling around in her room before she shut the door. She would wake up craving coffee and a hit; she would get the coffee, but no hit.
I’m up, but woozy. I need some coffee and a quick shoot up. I briefly reconsider going for my session sober, but I ignore it.
I reach for my stash.
Anger goes through me swift and irrationally. I know Dare has taken my stash.
Calm down. You will get some coffee, attend your session and nicely ask him for it.
Seems like a good idea so I head for some much needed reinvigoration. In a few minutes I had downed a cup of coffee and another of fruit juice. I’m ready.
The pain comes so fast, I fall to the ground in shock…and then I can’t get up. My eyes hurt, everything is painful and blurry. I see Dare’s outline and a few minutes later, he’s carrying me to the couch in his parlor. He drops me there, sits opposite me and in the calmest of voices begins to explain things I cannot comprehend while I’m screaming my heart out.
She’s screaming, writhing and splaying curses like never before. I feel bad, but this is the way things have to be. Its high time I took my job seriously. I start to explain to her.
“I spiked your morning and afternoon drinks with Clonidine. You should be familiar with that, you being a drug addict and knowing your kryptonite and what not. You are currently going through drug withdrawal. You will feel extreme pain, and possibly the need to rip my head off, buy my point is, it’s time for you to get better. Enough of the games.”
And with that I walk off leaving her still screaming and cursing like her life depended on it.
This series is written by @FareedaKhalo and it’s supported by the good people of Barows21. Check out www.barows21.com for all your favourite international magazines. You can read previous episodes here.
Comments and feedback are always appreciated.
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