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Velma and I had been talking for a very long time albeit off and on but it had been almost two years since we started talking. We met on twitter. She seemed offended by a joke I made about women. I remember it being very sexist but I don’t remember the joke exactly; it was for the retweets. I found out she was not really offended somewhere in the middle of the back and forth. I showed up in her DM to let her know I meant no malice. That was how it started. I disliked feminists. She reacting the way she did to my tweet put her in that category so I had no plans to make this thing with her an actual thing, if you know what I mean?! But she was fun to talk to. She was smart and honest and direct, an open book. Basically the only thing we had in common was the smartness. Oh and of course the pride. Me more than her but she had it nonetheless.
So for two years we had been playing the game: “hit me up first or we will not talk till I can’t stand not talking to you… Two years.” One day, in the middle of one of our regular pseudo-arguments I asked her to see a movie with me the next day. I was sure she would say no but for some reason she sounded excited. I was nervous as hell as I stood in front of the Silverbird book store waiting for her. I had gotten there on time, she was five minutes late. I was staring at a book titled, ‘Women Keep the World Together’ by a woman named Sarah Flinchkin, when I heard a voice behind me say, “I see I turned you into a feminist after all.” I turned around to see the most beautiful looking petite girl I had ever seen. Honestly, my mind knew she was not exactly the most beautiful looking petite girl I had ever seen but that seemed to be the decision my heart had come to as it pumped hard against my chest. “God forbid,” I replied.
Somehow, that seemed like the stupidest response I could have given but she laughed. She stepped forward tip toed and hugged me. As I wrapped my slightly shivering hands around her she whispered, “I am Velma by the way and you are tall”. As the uneasiness melted away I came to the realisation that I was completely taken with this 5’3 girl.
It was the best first date ever. We kept making jokes about random stuff that went on in the movie. I realised how much we knew about each other from all those short lived conversations we had had in the last two years. We acted like a couple and it felt so natural and exciting that neither of us once brought out the silly pride act. LOL, silly pride act. That sounds like a law. Anyway. So the movie was over faster than we’d like and I asked her what she would like to do next. It was 6:13 pm and she didn’t feel like going home yet…“Let’s go to your place”, she said. “You said you live around, right?”
I did. My house was less than 5 minutes from the mall. “Yes, East Legon”, I replied. “Okay Mister, after you”, she said as she signalled me to take the lead. I did not. I arched my arm and she placed hers there like a bride would. We both laughed at an unspoken joke.
The thing here is, sometime very early in our ‘friendship’, we had had another pseudo-argument about men pretending to walk behind women as a gesture of politeness when in fact it was just a ploy to stare at their backside. That was her argument. I did not have a real counter point but I made all sorts of silly ones up just to keep the debate going. One of my points was that, women could just walk side by side with guys, arm In arm but I was pretty sure women will find a problem with that. The conversation had sort of ended then because her phone had died and we had gone on to talk about something else when she came back. We were laughing at an inside joke so awesome I spent all these lines telling you the backstory.
We got to my gate in three minutes and 45 seconds. I timed the trip. “You know you didn’t have to try to impress me, right? I wouldn’t think less of you if you had said you lived at Adjiringanor instead of East Legon”, she said with a smirk. I just shook my head and smiled driving into the house as Manu, the security man opened the gate. We ended up playing pool, foos ball and even a drinking game. Before we knew it, it was 11 pm. She covered my watch with her hand as I looked at the time, “Don’t ruin the fun. Don’t tell me the time.”
I stared into her eyes as we sat on the floor of the living room, I knew I was going to throw caution to the wind and end up dating a feminist. I leaned in and kissed her, she kissed back for about 30 seconds and pulled away. She lifted her hand as though she was taking an oath and said “Disclaimer: Everything that happens after this moment is by choice and has nothing to do with the alcohol.” She smiled, leaned in and we started kissing again. It was more passionate and intense this time. Clothes came off and she stopped it again…
“Two things”, she said, breathing heavily. “Where are your parents?”, she asked.
“Out of the country”, I replied. She punched the air, “Awesome. Finally I get to do the walk of shame.”
She had decided she was sleeping over. She was not asking. For some reason I found that adorable.
“Are those the two things?”
“Nope. The second one is, you better have protection.”
And so I run to my room and came back with a jar of condoms. She laughed and took one out like a raffle. She put it on for me and then we went at it; for a total of about 10 seconds. No, she did not stop it this time. I came.
LOL! Yes, I know. It is anti-climatic (lmao! See what I did there?) and dreadful but that really is what happened. I had sex with a feminist and I came in under 10 seconds. Maybe this is the right time for me to mention that I had never done that before. I was pretty good at sex. Even if I could not be entirely sure about the skills department, I knew I was awesome in the time and stamina department. I had done an impressive 5 full minutes my first time and it had gotten better since then. So no, I was not a habitual ten-second man.
When Velma realised what had happened she gave out the most hysterical laugh I had ever heard. She was uncontrollable. Anger was welling up in me but I was not in the place to be angry so I kept quiet as she managed to control her laughter after about two minutes. The thought that flashed through my mind when she was done was, her laughter lasted longer than my performance.
“Any last words before I tell twitter what just happened?”, She said with a wide grin on her face. That joke seemed to make me feel a lot less shittier than I did.
“How much will your silence cost me?”, I asked half serious.
“Well, let’s see. For such a Usain Bolt performance, it will cost something of Olympic proportions”, She broke down into another bout of laughter at her own joke.
“God, you are evil.”
In that moment I realised I was having the best reaction from a girl to such an abysmal performance that any guy in this world could wish for. I was no longer throwing caution to the wind and contemplating dating a feminist (though I was no longer sure she’d want to date me); I was falling in love with her with each passing moment.
“Okay, okay. No more laughter”, she said in between laughs, clearly trying to restrain herself. “This is what I want for my silence. Actually these are the things I want…two things. One, I want us to discuss it”, a grin was spreading across her face.
“And two, you will make up for it with at least a 5 minute performance when Usain Bolt rises again”, she finished.
“Can we change the first one? Anything else please?” I begged.
“Nope Usain, those are my terms”, she said folding her arms across her naked breasts.
I immediately became aware of the fact that we had been sitting naked the whole time. It did not bother me. After all, I had hit rock bottom with her. There was no vulnerability I could hide. She, as I had always known, was unnaturally comfortable with her body. I could see why but I still didn’t know another woman who was that confident about her nakedness, and I knew a lot of other women. Okay, I don’t think this is a time to be bragging but cut me some slack.
“Can you at least not call me Usain Bolt? I may have liked it before now but it comes with bad memories.”
“Mister, you are in no place to be negotiating. I make the rules now”, she said without losing the grin.
We spent the next two hours talking about all our past sexual adventures. I had had 34 I could remember. She was 35…she had had 4. So obviously, those two hours were filled with my stories. We only stopped talking about all that because by number 29, Velma realised something. I’m not sure why I was not the one to realise it but Usain Bolt had risen.
“You must have really liked her. Just talking about her has Usain ready for the finals”, she said with a laugh.
I was a little nervous about the finals because at this point I had settled on the belief that anything could happen. She took out her phone from her bag, checked something on it, put it back and then got on top of me. She did things with her fingers and tongue that I had never experienced. Things she had not done the first time around. When I could not take it anymore, I got her on her back and started the journey to redeem myself. I did not get to five minutes but it was not 10 seconds either. It was about three and a half minutes.
Do you know how I know that exactly? She timed it. Remember when she checked something on her phone? Yes, she set the stop watch. The awesome thing is we did less than 5 minutes because; wait for it; she came. It was such a phenomenal feeling for me; I doubt I will ever feel that way after sex ever again. But it did not matter. I was going to feel different ways with her too many times in the future. We didn’t sleep. We talked till about 7am. I drove her back to the mall to get her car. She got down outside the mall because she wanted to do the walk of shame to her car.
On our way to the mall, I told her I loved her. Her response, “I know.”
I shook my head, “I know you know. And I think you know something else…I think you know you love me too. I want to be with you. You made the suckiest moment in my life one of the best memories of my life and I don’t think I will ever find another girl or human being who can do that for me.”
“Wow”, she said, looking away from me.
“Who would’ve thought you to be such a romantic?”, she looked back at me.
“You know what? I think you got the cookie a little too easily so I don’t think I can give you this so easily. You might have to work for it. You will find out somewhere between this evening and tomorrow what I think.” She smiled and kissed me on the cheek. I smiled as she got out of the car for her walk of shame and said, “I love you.”
“I know”, she replied, waving her flat shoes at me.
I did not hear from her all day. She didn’t tweet all day and I did not see her online on Whatsapp either. I checked every few minutes. I wondered what work she was going to make me do. I was ready for it; I was just not taking the suspense well. At about 6pm, I finally saw her on my timeline. I was excited immediately because of her avatar. No, it was not a picture of me. It was a picture of Usain Bolt. Her tweet read; “New bio”
I went right to her profile to find the most unusually romantic bio of all time; “I love you too, Usain Bolt”. Her location was; ‘Living room couch’. I wanted to tweet something profound but I was ‘speechless’ so I went with, “I know.”
My next notification read; “Mrs. Bolt favorited your tweet.”