This letter was collated and consolidated by my phanlanges as a directly proportional result of the exponential growth of my liver that thus inspired and uplifted me to pick up my pen just like my learned colleagues and thus to write words upon this parchment and address them to you not withstanding that I was compelled to have to been forced to typeset it in a beautiful font and therefore dictated it to Mufutau the business center man opposite the school gate to type and print it for you. I am hopeful that God willing and favor smiling upon me accordingly and lovingly, I will be able to summon the courage to approach you after you have set your diamond beautiful eyes to read this letter. The overwhelming and engulfing and supreme and overall truth is that I hope and pray you are in a great mood whenever you get this, if so… Doxology.
Why this miraculous and spontaneous and pulchritudinous thing happened is because Chioma, I must confess that I am in love with you. Your name is like a ray of sunshine in my life. You are my clear skies and umbrella after the storm, the saccharine in my tea, the apple of both my two eyes and to be perfectly forthrightly truthful, in fact if I were the owner of this computer you would have be the only icon on my desktop.
It’s been almost two years since I first laid my eyes on you, in Mr. Ajakaye’s maths class to be perfectly and accurately precise. From the very moment I saw you, my heart skipped a beat and started pounding faster than it normally does. You have been affecting my biology and chemistry and mathematics internally. I mean, even the almighty formula cannot explain how I felt whenever I saw you walk down the corridor in that your green pinafore. You always left me in a state of discombobulation. Now that we are in senior class, the pinafore is gone and your curves now properly accentuated by your skirt and blouse, my body does jigbijigbi whenever I see you. You are the perfect perfection of a perfect woman.
I can’t stop thinking about you. You see babe, normally, when I am feeling like this I just buy meatpie and Fanta and take and then say “I like You, Talk Your Own”. It has normally been working on all the girls in arts and commercial class, but in your case, you are special and I have to be powerfully meticulous in my approach to winning your heart because you are a very sophisticated girl.
Chioma, I love you and since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching I want to use this special opportunity to ask you to be my Val. Please tell me yes and make this boy the luckiest boy in the whole World Wide Web.
Chioma, my love for you is like American hot dog and burger in the summer time. Let me promise you something, angel. If you accept to be mine we will be together forever like white on rice. You and I will be like red on blood. Even though you do not currently have it, you have ownership of my mumu switch. My senior sister will soon come back from France and I have told her to buy you special perfume. You see, I will do anything for you. I know that even if I roam the entire middle earth, I won’t find another like you. Have you seen the movie, Titanic? What Jack did for Rose is nothing but a speck of dust compared to what I can do for you. I will buy you things from the E! channel, take you to places on national geographic, baby girl, we will even watch the sun set together at Ogombo beach.
If you agree for this our love to shine bright like a diamond, I will be the pampers to your abdulmutallab, I will never go off on you, even though you are the bomb. Your eyes shine at the shimmer of the moon. Your lips are as beautiful as a red rose. Your hair is so elegant and as beautiful as the sky. You yourself make my day when I am having a bad day. The rose represents your beauty. The moon represents your intelligence. You are as beautiful as the stars that light out every night. Every day I get to see you grow more beautiful. Every time I get close to you my stomach feels as if I have butterflies in my stomach. That is the feeling I have for you.
Please say yes and be my Val, I promise to make all the other girls in the school and this local government in general jealous of you. If you doubt my legitimacy, just ask about me at the local council, near the canteen. I am not a bad boy or heartbreaker or a liar or any other nefarious and notorious type of boy.
I look forward to your favorable response, my love and light. Till then I remain Iskilu “The Cool-Kid” from SS 1B.
Love and kisses
Kolawole ‘Isikilu’ Adeola
Class Prefect of SS1B
Phone: +234 803 0888 205 (business center)
Story by Sheriph Adeola