How to forgive

She is gazing abstractly at nothing while pushing in closer to her husband who is next to her on the couch in their living room. Her every inch closer to him is answered by him moving three inches away. This little dance is discreet and is unnoticed by the three suited men who are sitting across from them.

The husband jumps up. “Give us a minute please.” He says and leads his wife into the kitchen. He shuts the door behind him and leans against it, taking a deep breath.

“Lolade, but you know how important this meeting is to me.” He doesn’t look at her as he speaks. “The least you can do is participate in the conversation. The board has to be satisfied with my family before they can make me partner.”  He looks directly at her. “Have I asked you any other thing?”

She moves closer to him and he looks away. “Bami, don’t blame me. This is the closest I’ve been to you in eight weeks!”

She is now standing a few inches in front of him. She reaches to touch his hand but he pulls away. “Bami. You’re so distant. Bami, please look at me.”

The husband stares intently at the ceiling; the only sign of his agitation is the clenching of his jaw. He doesn’t reply her.

She reaches to her back and deftly unzips her dress. The soft material drops to her feet. She steps out of the puddle of clothing and pushes against her husband. She rests her head against his chest.

His sharp intake of air lifts her head and they stare at each other intently for a few moments. Then he looks away again.  “Bami. You said you’d forgiven me.” A lone tear trails down her cheek. “Bami. I’m sorry. I’ll always be.”

She lowers her head again and wraps her arms around his back. “Bami, do you really not love me anymore? Bami? Bami, I’m sorry. I did it to get your attention. It was a stupid thing to do. He meant nothing. Bami, forgive me.”

“What do you want from me?” He says eventually in a gravelly voice thick with emotion.

She presses into him then lifts her hands to his neck and stretches up for a kiss. She feverishly presses her lips against his. When there is no response from him, she lets out a loud sob. He suddenly yanks her hands from around him and puts her away. He runs a hand across his brows, breathing heavily.

She pulls into herself and lowers herself to the tiled floor. Pulling her knees to her chest in nothing but her matching underwear, her chest heaves with sobs. They remain this way for a while.

“Lolade. Please dress up. They’re waiting.”

She cries harder. He picks the dress and walks over to her. Squatting, he pulls her to himself in a hug. She hangs on tightly as if drowning. They stay this way, her tears soaking his shirt.

“It’s ok. I swear.” He says, breaking the silence. He pushes her hair away from her face and presses a kiss to her forehead. He pulls her up and hands her the dress. He nods at her, smiling. She smiles back tentatively. He nods again, cupping her cheek with a palm. “Wear. Then get the glasses, I’ll get the juice,”

********************

Hello earthlings. Greetings from Pluto. So, that’s the story for today. How easy is it really? To forgive someone you ‘love’ of some very hurtful act? I hear it’s harder to let go of such issues when it’s someone you’ve given your all to. What do you think?

And for those of y’all who’ll be in Abuja on the 28th of August; there’s ‘That Thing At JB’s’ that’s happening at 6pm. JB’s Grill is at Maitama Amusement Park. It’s all about Music, Art and Writing. There’re some fabulous guitarists and a fab artist attending; I’ll be reading a story. If you have something you’d like to share, do bring it along- everyone’s participating. Bring gifts, seeing my birthday’s the Friday before. (Yes, I’m shamelessly begging for gifts.) Hope to see you there.

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Comments
  • Terdoh

    😀

    August 23, 2011
    • And di mumu talk am oh! X_x

      August 23, 2011
      • Terdoh

        I solemnly swear to deprive you all of this position for as long as I can. (and that's a long time). Just resign now so we can be dropping actual comments instead of struggling for first place (Because that position is mine!)

        August 23, 2011
      • Cliche or corny as it may sound, one of my favourite quotes is 'Trust is like paper. Once rumpled, it can never be as smooth again' I know it's easier said than done but abeg, prevention is better than cure.

        After the avoidable has been unavoided however, forgiveness can be really hard, especially when you've faced and turned down the temptation the other succumbed to. If I were in the specific scenario illustrated above, my stand-point would be:

        Hey! Me sef, I be fine boy, I see all dem fine chics giving me eye-of-the-tiger, but I comot eye because I don choose you. You come go outside chop belle-full, clean mouth come use that same dirty mout come dey talk sorry, abi? Anyway sha, I forgive you…

        Yeah, I'm all for second chances. I've been accused of being soft and ish but whatever mehn. I'ma do me, you do you…

        But third chances? Now that's just pushing it. Whatever happened to 'lessons learned'…

        August 23, 2011
    • @ThisBoyPerforms

      Ekwueme!!! You said it and you did it!!! LOL!! Oderh!

      August 23, 2011
  • miss tang

    Sob sob

    August 23, 2011
  • 🙂

    August 23, 2011
  • OmeraMo

    passing by

    August 23, 2011
  • Terdoh

    It's not that easy to forgive. It's even harder to forget. It all boils down to how much the person truly means to you.

    August 23, 2011
  • moyo_a

    Technically, I'm the fifth yeah?

    August 23, 2011
  • moyo_a

    To err is human, to forgive is divine, to forget… Now that's just plain stupid.

    August 23, 2011
  • @olufems

    I've been there b4, it sucks big time. You just have to give the person time n space to get over it. Some people heal faster than others. And as a christian, ask God for help cus forgiveness is not easy

    August 23, 2011
  • Rotex

    *sigh. To think dis is exactly wat am battling with. Its difficult especially if its someone u loved nd gave ur all too. Buh as dey say slow nd steady wins the race. For me am learning to take it gradually cos i cant hold on to it forever.

    August 23, 2011
  • Its really hard to forgive, though very possible. I was once in such a position, my boyfriend cheated, I found out somehow, and he denied it. Finally he had to confess. What hurt most was not the fact that he cheated, but the lies that came after. I feel it would have made things easier for him to have told the truth. Because the lie just made it harder to forgive. And at the end of the day I walked out of the relationship. And that's when he finally confessed.(Mind you this was not the first time he had done it, therefore I could no longer turn a blind eye).
    If you have the courage to cheat on someone, pls make sure you will be bold enough to admit the truth when it comes out, cos one lie would lead to another and take you from frying pan to fire.
    That's just my opinion.

    August 23, 2011
    • BBB

      this is my exact thought on the issue, ive worked away from a very long relationship because of this exact reason

      August 23, 2011
  • Enter your name...mi

    Forgetting is d real bitch. Esp in a case that involves cheating. I mean u keep imagining all sorts. Even d positions dey didn't do, u imagine dem in it!

    And to err is human to forgive is divine is B.S!!!

    Ts nt easy 2 4give, ts harder to 4get!!!!

    And sumtimes ts not just worth your forgiveness. #shikena

    August 23, 2011
  • zany

    Its actually hard, and it takes time and patience……you have to keep apologizing. And by apologising I don't mean mere saying I'm sorry. Genuinely say it/mean it….

    August 23, 2011
  • Nutella

    Terdoh wasn't just first?

    August 23, 2011
  • Dollface

    Frankly,personally I think forgiving is never the issue but forgetting is the hardest… M a kinda person who 1 wud say i take things 2 heart but oh well it just never possible 4 me 2 4get anything @ all let alone evil 1 has done 2 me… I think bami s d same way… He just sees d wrong lolade has done each time he even tries acting like nothing went wrong….beautiFul write up though!

    August 23, 2011
  • Ahhfee

    Forgiving is hard.. Especially for cheating.. U keep imagining if they wud do it again, what it wud do to u, u evn begin 2doubt urself. Any ''opp sex'' u see arnd dem, u stay suspicious.

    It takes d grace of God seriously, 2 forgive & 2heal..

    As for me, if u cheat n i find out. I will forgive u and walk. Broken trust is everthing! Unless its marriage, i'll stick it out.

    August 23, 2011
  • Chicasa

    Wow, this is very very lovely. I particularly connect to this right now cos I quarreled with my boyfriend this morning. I can fit right into Lolade's shoes, I'm not proud when I have done something wrong, I'll really try to apologise and I always cry. Forgiveness comes easy to me and my significant other and its really very important in any relationship, however, difficult. People may never forget, what counts is how you strive to right your wrongs, because hurting people is nearly inevitable, however, hard you try not to.

    P.S: In romance movies, I really love forgiveness scenes, especially when it's the Lady apologising.

    August 23, 2011
  • esta

    No mata hw difficult it is 2 sgive, d gud news is dat its possible nd if its possible, its do-able

    August 23, 2011
  • Pha't

    I feel forgiving isn't soo hard, its forgetting that's a bitch

    August 23, 2011
  • Slim

    Forgiveness iz an inbuilt organ dat functions only wen d brain iz at peace with the opposite party

    August 23, 2011
  • Chicasa

    OMG! I had to read again, you cant imagine how ve played out this scene in my head. Great writing Tula, I really really loved this.

    August 23, 2011
    • thetoolsman

      Thanks but I didn't write this, @Uberbetty did. It's #BettyTuedays.

      August 23, 2011
      • Chicasa

        Oh roight!!! My bad! Wonderful writing Betty, I absolutely forgot. You really do write beautifully, I love the imagery and how real they come.

        August 23, 2011
  • BoukkieO

    Forgiving someone that hurt you is not beans, especially because it is mostly those who are close to us who can truly hurt us. Sometimes, forgiving is a gradual process, but we need to forgive, not so much for the offender as it is for us. Forgetting, however, i don't know that we're supposed to erase it from our memories completely, i don't even know who came up with "forgive and forget". I think we just need to let the hurt go.

    August 23, 2011
  • I always operate with the benefit of doubt. A mistake is a mistake until it happens twice and I tend to forgive almost anything the 1st time. The problem however, is that I never forget. Depending on how I feel about a girl, I try as hard as possible not to hold offenses against her. Trust is a big deal to me, and takes a lot to regain if broken. I guess that's part of why I don't date much lol.

    PS. Tula! How the hell do I subscribe to this website!???

    August 23, 2011
  • jemjem

    people who r close to me will testify to me always drumming 'forgiveness is not my strength' in their ears.

    Im a strong person i must say,n i hardly get offended bcos i love to do back :p

    but pls dnt brk d trust,dat is one irreparable damage…hehehe

    August 23, 2011
  • @hayeslikeissac

    You know what, sod it, 8yrs of marriage, no major "grief" but I can see both sides. We are all selfish and unfortunately it always boils down to the fact that we want what we want when we want it.

    Its not about being godly, a xtian or whatever its human nature.

    Men are animals of their environment, if we see a female that is attractive if she wants us (or even hints it), we surrender faster than a dog to a bone. But when the reverse happens and its our women that fall for someone else we suddenly feel like the world has ended and we cant comprehend how it has happened, what we did to deserve this and why us. Human beings will always fall for something (trust me just pray you never find out)

    If I were Bami Id send her away for a bit to clear our heads because we wont focus, not in anger but to get space and to get things out of my system.

    Best way to heal anything is to find that midpoint where we first met and work our way back from there.

    The blog does read like a romance movie today…whats with the M&B lines? All the undressing etc this early haba!

    August 23, 2011
  • kitkat

    i've never been in that position but i feel like it's probably one of the hardest things to do. Once the trust u have for someone is broken, it's almost impossible to fix it.

    && happy birthday in advance 🙂

    August 23, 2011
  • MzLucy M

    forgiveness is definitely d easiest part, now to forget the hardest and sometimes impossible part…. *sigh* very insightful post btw..

    August 23, 2011
  • Some confessions are best left unsaid! Shikena!

    August 23, 2011
    • kayshawy

      Thank you!

      August 24, 2011
  • Judge

    ashawo! Cheating is for we men. Women that cheat are disgusting slutty whores. Ashawo proper. The guy shud beat her and drive her back to her fathers house. She was now getting naked in d kitchen again? Abeg. Ashawo jor.

    Gud writing sha.

    August 23, 2011
    • Terdoh

      HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHA!!

      August 23, 2011
    • Terdoh

      HAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHA!! HAHAHAHA! HA!!

      August 23, 2011
    • yo!

      you dey "judge" gaaan oh! Easy on the babe!

      August 23, 2011
    • Sam-Sam

      Wait….WHAT??????

      August 24, 2011
  • MzLucy M

    haba……cos she cheated shes an ashewo, according to who??nd who made the rule that cheating is for men??haha commmmon!!!!

    August 23, 2011
  • Kanyinsola

    Forgiving is easy….forgetting is the hard part!! In my opinion, that takes a lot of time! Btw I loved the post…fantastic! 😀

    August 23, 2011
  • esta

    No mata hw difficult it is 2 4give, d gud news is dat its possible nd if its possible, its do-able

    August 23, 2011
  • Suez

    I cheated on my bf, confessed to him and cried my eyes out. I was truly sorry, couldn't forgive myself for hurting him. It took like a month of emotional trauma, I prayed and begged God to help touch his heart.

    He finally forgave me, proposed to me and we r married but I can still see he has not forgotten what happened. He sometimes suspect me, checks my emails, Bbm and odas. He even asks questns abt what I did wit d guy.

    In my own opinion, forgiveness can come but the final act of forgiveness is actually when u forget d deed.

    August 23, 2011
    • thetoolsman

      Hmm.. love this comment. I'll never understand it, maybe it's the ego, maybe not, how come for most guys, their interest lies in 'what actually happened or not' whenever their girl comes out to confess she cheated.

      August 23, 2011
  • ThinkTank!

    *crawls out of heterolithic tidal sandstone bunker*

    Hi Betty! 🙂

    On to the post:

    I wonder, what is it about 'cheating' that hurts most and makes it so hard to forgive? The fact that your partner found someone else desirable? That they lied to you? The betrayal? What? And how does the fact that its someone you love deeply make any difference?

    Let me play Devils advocate for a bit. People seem to insist that you can never cheat on someone you love, Why? For example, you might have a favorite car, you love it to death and drive it everyday, but one day, you decide to drive another car. Does it mean you dont love the other one anymore? I think not. I guess that would be the difference between a 'fling' or a 'tryst' and an 'affair'.

    I know I've spun a bit off-tangent here but a quick Question: If your partner tells you that they find someone else attractive physically and just want to have one night of sex with that person, would you agree? Is it still cheating? I mean, there is no betrayal and no lie. So would there be anything to forgive? Ponder upon these things…or not…

    *crawls back into heterolithic tidal sandstone bunker*

    August 23, 2011
    • I would definitely agree. Mehn, there are a lot of girls I find physically attractive and would love to also get permission to sleep with. 🙂

      August 23, 2011
    • @bossikeh

      "Negotiated infidelity" is what you talking about, & it takes an extreme about of trust ,courage & an inner will power from both parties involved. So Ʊ don't go "deep sea diving" one day & start catching feelings.

      August 23, 2011
    • Chicasa

      Spot on Wole! Dis is why I love you. I totally agree, although I ddnt want to go in on the cheating aspect, you've more or less captured my sentiments in that regards.

      August 23, 2011
    • anwuli

      In relationships its not about betrayal per say. Its about ur partner desiring something other than yourself. About me not being able to satisfy my partner. It brings out the fact that maybe I'm not enough for him and truthfully that can be disheartening.

      August 23, 2011
      • ThinkTank

        I honestly dont think anyone is everything to anyone else. We all just decide to take the person who gives us as much of what we want and we manage without the rest.

        sometimes, however, that desire for the missing pieces comes knocking, I guess its how we handle these times that matters…

        My point is, admitting you want something else once in a while should not necessarily be seen as a terrible thing between people that are truly in love and completely hionest with each other. But then again, we are all selfish and want someone else to completely want us – to me, being unable to admit temptation is dishonesty.

        August 23, 2011
  • Sandie Pandie

    I hate it when I come on here and there are already 1000 posts in place of comments…. just feels like my opinion wont even nearly count 🙁 see do preferential treatment for me na 🙁 haba im too depressed to even read… but i'll try o! because you be my person 🙂 brb

    August 23, 2011
  • ibetapassmynebo

    ….To forgive is divine…

    I am not a saint…I show no mercy!

    U eff up…I offer u up for sacrifice on the night of d dance of the bushbaby!

    August 23, 2011
    • Sandie Pandie

      Oh my lord! You need Jesus!

      August 23, 2011
    • @ThisBoyPerforms

      Jesus!!!

      August 23, 2011
  • Sandie Pandie

    well… I hoped they would have sex eventually or som'n… but they didn't! Still didn't change the fact that he gave in to her pleas 🙂 awesome read ma… but the guy harsh o!

    August 23, 2011
  • Shemale

    So many pple don't want to forgive becos they feel they must rmbr the wrong so they will learn from it.

    That is absolutely untrue

    If you cannot forgive you have defo broken the bridge over which you yourself must pass.

    The way i handle F*ck ups (i believe its in our DNA) is i forgive instanly….ibelieve in Karma, its gonna haunt the offender back.

    August 23, 2011
  • @bossikeh

    *presses Pause* this is a very sensitive topic, as much as it involves us all, i would rather just take a rain check . *presses play & raps along to "Made Men" from Rick ross #GODFORGIVESIDONT album*

    August 23, 2011
  • highlandblue

    I'd like to imitate Mallam Sawyerr here. *sneaks into kitchen, goes to CD player, selects Naija Life CD, and bonus track no. 13.* #NP Nkan be. *sneaks out*

    August 23, 2011
  • foxy

    omo c ehn, i do forgive asin sharply as long as u apologize but walahi !!! if it has to do wiv relationships ehn like u cheat on me i find out n u still lie abt it (makn clucking noise wiv tongue), tula my nicca "pay back is a bitch" n it's served best ICE COLD.

    u would be so efn shocked… i can like to be an extremist when it comes to things like that cos i played a fool 4 u 1ce too many times

    August 23, 2011
  • georgeenah

    Yaaaayyy!!!! I don't have to get back to gidi for another week.Had a convo with another gidi friend some mins ago about how there were no literary events in Abuja…

    To the post.

    To forgive is human, to forget…do I look like I have multiple sclerosis or Alzheimer's???? Is the guy innocent himself?or is it the fact that someone's poking wifey that's got him all ruffled like a cranky hen?

    The part of cheating that annoys me is lying to my face even when you have evidence staring at you.Like WTH! Just admit it and let's work on it like 2 adults. I've had a few exes cheat and lie about it and I just shook my head at them…If only they knew…

    Whether in a relationship or married,people should learn to work out stuff afterall, isn't life one big learning institution?

    August 23, 2011
    • Betty

      There are quite a number of literary events in Abuja. Not very well publicized tho.. There's even an Abuja Literary Society. Will give you more details when I see you. 😀

      August 23, 2011
      • georgeenah

        Yaayyy!!! Thanks,see you on the 30th.

        August 23, 2011
    • highlandblue

      If only they knew how much you were cheating too abi? Seeeeen

      August 23, 2011
  • Yass

    I calculate almost every move I make. As soon as I go wrong, I know I have, and I rarely need any one to tell me. Apologising has never been difficult for me.

    Forgiving isn't too difficult either. It takes a while, but I come round to it, cos when I hold a grudge, I cld barely get much done!

    Then, forgetting! I remember the silliest most insignificant bits of information, but things that should matter, I don't do so well with those. I don't know if I was born this way, or if I learnt overtime, but I manage to block unpleasant memories. A lot could happen between me and someone when things go sour. I'd remember that things went downhill for this reason, but the little details…and not so little details, not so much! 🙂

    So when I say forget, I mean, forget the teeny weeny particulars, but never never forget the reason why! What use is an experience if u can't remember the lesson from it?

    August 24, 2011
  • Ms Osunsan

    Forgiving and forgetting the offense go hand in hand. Forgiveness is not easy. Every one says forgetting is the hard part which is true. As a pastor once said when ever you remember the hurt, you gotta forgive em again. when some one breaks ur trust, it cuts deep and because of pride and ego, its hard to let go. i am a very soft person and i try not to get upset when people wrong me. i realized that i said i forgave em but i held on to the wrong and interacted with em based on those wrongs. as i told my friend recently… sometimes we gotta be stupid for own selfish reasons when it comes to forgiving. when i say stupid, i mean let go of ego and not hold on to things. holding on to a wrong some one does to you, consumes you and affects you in every area of your life. this past week. my sister really got on my nerves i didn't tell her. i kept it in and i was really short with every one until i finally let it out and forgave her and moved on. sometimes, forgiving some one doesn't mean u confront em and them em how u wronged em. it could just be u expressing ur self to someone who would listen or just saying it out loud to get it off your chest. in my last relationship, i was so hurt, i made a 10 minute vn to my ex. lucky for him, he didn't get it but that began my healing process cos i let it out. basically, all i am say is this, no matter the offense, remember that not forgiving affects not just them, but you also. I am not here to preach but i believe that the Bible should always be our guide. and it says follow peace with ALL men and holiness without which no man can see the Lord. I know we all wanna make heaven. Forgiveness is the first step.

    August 24, 2011
  • Mike

    "..Father forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that transpass against us.."

    On the issue of forgiveness,if you dont forgive God wont forgive you too.its an issue we all tend to ignore or overlook,i know its not easy cos we are hurt by the people we love and not by strangers which makes it more difficult.Its always better to confront somebody that hurts you if you cant forgive and make amends than having bitterness inside of you which gives room to the devil to have his way.

    August 24, 2011
  • I think these are really "make or break" moments. Speaking from experience (I was the offender) forgiveness is possible.. I guess it's really a thing of whether you both want to make the relationship work (you realize what big a mistake you've made); or the opposite happens- you realize you don't really love your partner that much (otherwise, you would have probably sacrificed your "drive" and ultimately resisted).

    Marriage, however, is a completely different ballgame- you gast find a way of forgiving and rebuilding trust. (A divorce would undoubtedly crush and/or permanently scar both parties involved)

    August 24, 2011
  • kayshawy

    Great read as usual but I find all of this amusing sha…on one front you teach/encourage us how to set 'p' and on anoda front forgiveness! Isshhoookk!

    Forgiveness na mind thing…it takes a conscious effort to forgive; forgetting on the other hand…hmmmn! Choices…..

    August 24, 2011
  • sheSays

    There's really no big deal in forgiving people. We all fuck up, don't we? So why pull the holier that thou blanket? When I was younger, I was the master of grudges, but I think forgiveness comes with maturity. We might not necessarily be as close but the slate is clean….and that's a start.

    August 26, 2011
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