The Key To A Happy And Successful Relationship: Let Your Man Cheat

A man cheats with a mere 105 women and you just gon up and leave him? At least that’s the assertion put forth by American sociologist Dr. Eric Anderson author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating. The Huffington Post conducted an on-line interview with Dr. Anderson, which you can read in full here: Why Men Need to Cheat.

Dr. Anderson argues that monogamy is not natural for most people, especially men. In his opinion, and I agree, most men can sleep around without developing significant emotional attachment to women outside of their relationship. While this does not account for all men, some committed men simply want to sleep around without the intention of ever developing a connection beyond the physical, what he calls “recreational sex.” Huffington Post writes:

[Dr. Anderson] wonders why we stigmatize someone who has a fling more than couples who divorce — throwing away a marriage rich in history and love, upsetting their kids’ lives — over something like sex.

Whether you agree monogamy is natural or unnatural, for men or women, I think we can all agree monogamy is a choice and so is infidelity. However, Dr. Anderson’s theory is that if you choose to cheat sexually, but not emotionally, it should not be the sole justification to terminate an otherwise happy and successful relationship. Since most men cannot have the best of both worlds, they choose the selfish route – cheating physically, while remaining faithful emotionally. Observing this phenomenon, Dr. Anderson sought to understand why habitually unfaithful men would even want monogamous relationships in the first place. A quote from the article:

Cheating, however, serves men pretty well. An undiscovered affair allows them to keep their relationship and emotional intimacy, and even if they’re busted it’s a lot easier than admitting that they wanted to screw someone else in the first place.

The good doctor alleges that men, even unfaithful men, desire emotional commitment. It is the physical commitment they struggle with because men are naturally designed to crave sex with other women. For example, his non-statistical study of 120 undergrads showed enjoyment of monogamous sex dipped precipitously after only two years. Assuming these are not leap years, that’s a mere 730 days for those of you keeping track at home. In summary:

The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be stigmatized as immoral, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty doesn’t meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and recreational sex with others.

The way cheating men see it, it’s either cheat or don’t cheat, but telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving relationship termination. When men cheat for recreational sex — not affairs — they DO love their partners. If they didn’t, they would break up with them.

John Legend, who is not a doctor, covered this subject years earlier in his song Number One where he croons the following romantic lyrics, “You can’t say I don’t love you, Just because I cheat on you, Cuz you can’t see all I do, To keep you from knowing the things I do, Like erase my phone, And keep it out of town, I keep it strapped up when I sleep around.”

As a man, the only thing shocking about Dr. Anderson’s (and John Legend) theories on monogamy and infidelity is the fact that they are so accurate. They correctly explain how unfaithful men justify their actions but that doesn’t mean the actions of unfaithful men should be defended…or should they?

Post via SBM

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Hmmm… So you’ve read it, this is very interesting and I’d just like your views on this, men, women of the TNC community what do you think, should we women allow our men to cheat just because they can? And also, how does this apply to women? The doctor did say ‘most people’ are not monogamous so lets not skew this to just men. You know the drill, use the comment box and express you.

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Sheila

Jack of all trades, master of all... When I am not here, you'll find me at www.sheilaspeaks.com and on twitter as @Mxscharles.
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Latest posts by Sheila (see all)

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  • Avatar

    Hi world

    October 29, 2012
  • Avatar
    mamcesc

    First!

    October 29, 2012
  • Avatar
    Thorpsyhenry

    I feel men can be allow to cheat,sometimes wen they cheat they tend to appreciate the girl they've been in a relationship with,as long as its just a fling I feel it can be allowed…but it should not happen all the time

    October 29, 2012
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      sometimes wen they cheat they tend to appreciate the girl they've been in a relationship with, but most times they tend to discover the shortcomings(most times trivial) of their partners too which ends up breaking relationships-even in flings

      October 29, 2012
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    As much as the doe-eyed girl in me would like to rant and rave and say it's not true, I know in my heart of hearts that men are generally more likely to cheat than not. Nevertheless, I choose to believe that men exist out there who can keep it together and only sleep with his wife/partner, by sheer willpower if nothing else. I think I'll be likely to break up with my man if he cheats on me, though truth be told, I'll consider other factors such as who, when and how.

    Once upon a time, a significant other who lives quite far away called me to ask for permission to have (paid) sex with someone, as the need was stressing him, interrupting his sleep and making his (sensitive) work suffer. I knew him well enough to knew he wasn't lying just to get some, and we were close enough for him to tell me how he felt. Thing is because he told me, it didn't feel like cheating anymore – I was more worried he'd like her! Just goes to show there are rarely any absolutes in life, and cheating is about perception sometimes – maybe this is one of the things a couple needs to discuss before getting serious.

    October 29, 2012
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      Ade

      Wow, you've got such a big heart (̶j̶̶̶u̶̶̶s̶̶̶t̶̶̶ ̶̶̶l̶̶̶i̶̶̶k̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶̶̶y̶̶̶o̶̶̶u̶̶̶r̶̶̶ ̶̶̶b̶̶̶o̶̶̶o̶̶̶b̶̶̶s̶̶̶)̶, my marriage proposal still stands.

      October 29, 2012
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    dimeji90

    Relatively Accurate I'd say. Every man, at some point or the other will crave other women for different reasons. That's where discipline comes in.

    I know a lot of babes have given up and as long as le boo isn't tripping for the 'man snatcher' they'll overlook it. I've heard of a babe who helps her man pick out his conquests. It works for them.

    There are no absolute rules or reactions in relationships. Whatever works.

    October 29, 2012
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    ebk01

    Cool piece

    October 29, 2012
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    @Ezinne

    i had a friend who has-still has-this mentality that "every guy cheats, and that it's a part of them".. As time went on, i began to see the sense in what she was saying. But then, if you say "a man's allowed to cheat" shouldn't that also give a woman the go ahead to cheat too? I mean we're all humans, and like men, we can do the "recreational sex" thing too without catching feelings.
    "men are naturally designed to crave sex with other women"<—-this applies to women too, but in their case it is not natural. They do it cos "the guy is hot, and they just wanted to know what it would feel like sleeping with him".
    Funny thing is, if a guy cheats..the relationship should continue, but if a woman does, it's over! Lol
    For me, if a guy cheats on me, my first thought is the breakup thought.
    So like Tiki said, maybe cheating should be discussed between both parties before things get serious. Maybe it'll help.

    October 29, 2012
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      Achi_va

      And so the – If a guy is allowed to cheat, a woman should begins.

      October 29, 2012
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    Ezinne, I think the reason a relationship ends when the babe cheats is that women are more likely to associate emotions with sex. atleast the men think so.

    Physical infidelity can be forgiven. Emotional infidelity ends the relationship regardless of which spouse is guilty.

    October 29, 2012
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    la_ensemble

    Monogamy is not natural. This cannot be over-emphasized.

    Personally, I can't end a relationship especially a marriage for casual sex'. Infact, I expect it to happen.

    Cheating occurs when he starts getting emotionally attached to a 'casual fling' and/or flaunts it in the face of his significant other.

    But, what do I know?? #shrug.

    October 29, 2012
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      Abiola

      Lets try to hold men to a higher standard please. We give them a free pass when we say things like this. Monogamy is not natural both ways but women are doing a better job at it than men. Why? Because we keep making men believe its fine as long as its not emotional. Please tell me where the line is drawn. The line that separates emotional from not emotional.

      October 29, 2012
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    Hmmm…aii! I'd give this some seeeeerious thoughts o!

    October 29, 2012
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    Tori

    I think this "everyman cheats" mentality contributes to their immoral behaviour. They are just living up to standards. I say we hold them to a higher standard. There are men who do not cheat, infidelity is a choice. But like Tiki said, it is also something the couple can discuss and agree on. But I don't condone cheating in a marriage.

    October 29, 2012
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      Tori! Tori!! Tori!!! This ur comment is making a whole lotta sense and then some more.
      There are indeed men who do not cheat and will not cheat, infidelity as much as everything else is a choice.

      P.S land2341 commented on the actual post saying. . .
      "This is a well paid, well educated man doing a whole lot of justification for his desire to run around.
      There are PLENTY of mature reasonable men who have and cherish decades long monogamous relationships. Basing a study of monogamy on UNDERGRADS (who have loads of semen to splurge around) is as immature as his premise."

      Nice Post altogether tho. (Y)

      October 29, 2012
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      Hmmmm! (Y)

      October 29, 2012
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    uche

    Recreational sex sounds cool. Can the favour go both ways pls??? Like I stay calm while you go a-humping and you stay happy when it’s my turn.

    October 29, 2012
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    thisboyperforms

    This doctor or whatever-his-profession-is is an absolute sham. Infidelity is a CHOICE. You choose to cheat. Be it to 'feel-among' because everyone else (meaning your friends) is doing it or just to prove that you can, in the end it is still a CHOICE.

    Most men want to be labelled the 'Don Juan'. It does not mean however, that they cannot choose to be faithful. If your significant other allows you to cheat, then fine. If you aren't married, even better. But personally, the moment you look her in the eyes and say 'I do', all bets are off. From that moment on, your wife is the only person you should be getting tail from.

    Don't mind the epistle
    *throws 2 cents in the air*

    October 29, 2012
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    Achi_va

    We will never agree on this subject as long as it remains a question of morality.

    October 29, 2012
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    thetoolsman

    Guys guys guys… camman.. are we not all agreeing with this a little too easily? I mean, this is TNC no?

    October 29, 2012
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      lol, men are cheats. That's a shoo-in.

      I'd like to ask the ladies though… does it make a difference if your man cheated on you behind your back , as opposed to asking your permission (or informing you) before cheating? If he asks for permission to have one-off sex with someone else, would you give it?

      October 29, 2012
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        la_ensemble

        Yes, ask for permission, show me the girl and her medical records. And your condoms. Go ahead.

        I'm sure not giving you permission to screw any of my friends/ acquintances sha. Or our domestic helps. Mba.

        October 29, 2012
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        Don't cheat don't ask me… My vjayjay shld b enuf 4u……

        male magun is getting impt

        October 29, 2012
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    The matter becomes funny when you think of the good for goose/gander thing. Society keeps trying to let men do whatever they want while women who do the same are labelled sluts and cast away. Why is this topic limited to men only in the first place?

    October 29, 2012
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      thetoolsman

      Replied you below..

      October 29, 2012
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    Tip

    Dunno how I'l feel if my girl tells me she wants to screw another dude (just for physical reasons) … My opinion, cheat if you want to but don't get caught. Forget mutual consent, stolen meat is the sweetest.

    October 29, 2012
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    I think cheating occurs when you aren't satisfied where you are and you want more. If you're not okay with things as they are in your relationship, be it sex or any other thing, you should discuss with your partner

    October 29, 2012
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    Chinedu

    Its not really that men would cheat "just physically" that should be the take away point here… but the lesson of why they might cheat in the first place.

    If its based on Sex especially recreational sex – I agree 100% that Monogamy isn't our core strength… but an acquired taste… so that Woman has to be like Fine Wine, better everyday!

    October 29, 2012
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    thetoolsman

    "Dr. Anderson argues that monogamy is not natural for MOST PEOPLE, especially men."
    We make up this 'society' we all speak of.
    I think Dr. Anderson was trolling a little, can't fault him there but let's be more open about this discussion and balance it. Like someone said above, I think we are all wired the same way, what is different is just the reason behind the action. Men cheat, women cheat. men are more physical and maybe more sexual? For women, it's (mostly) more than the act. You can look like a cross between Idris Elba and Tyson Beckford and sleep nude beside a woman, if a woman decides she wont sleep with you, SHE WONT. How many men can do this?

    Sex, is very physical for men, it's like a need that has to be met, an itch.. doesn't mean it CANT be controlled. In the past, for women, sex used to be very emotional. They'd only act on some emotional/personal (sometimes silly) tip. Like, his voice is so nice, I'd like to see what he sounds like in bed, or he's so built, wonder how long he can last. Nowadays, this is changing. Women are becoming more and more like men. The Doctor didn't focus on this but he touched on the subject. Society is yet to come to terms with this and wont even let it happen because it has direct impact on their ego/masculinity. (genesis of the double standard)

    Nowadays I meet more and more men who have made up their minds to stay committed in relationships but can't come out to say it because it's not expected.

    October 29, 2012
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    niyoola

    Cool story ……. Crappy story.
    If you believe all men cheat, then yours will cheat on you.
    Reading the comments, most of you are already planning to cheat. Some are even cheating in advance.
    I will never tolerate cheating; never.
    @Tiki: very funny, bcos a guy isn't having sex, he's feels he's backed-up with semen and its affecting his thinking and concentration? Puh-leaze! Dts just lame. Sounds a like a story you tell a villagr girl; dt lack of sex is giving you fever.

    Abegi. We need to hold ourselves up to higher standard; we might as well encourage stealing when we are broke/hungry. After all, man naturally llooks looks out 4 himself.

    No cheating, I don't cheat, I won't tolerate it.

    October 29, 2012
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      thetoolsman

      You are going to make me use that ….term I dislike 'GBAM!!!!!'

      October 29, 2012
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        TheBoombox

        The best really.

        October 29, 2012
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      Tori

      I love this comment, my sentiments exactly.
      We need to hold ourselves up to a higher standard! It can be accomplished.

      October 29, 2012
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      cesc

      Totally on point!!!!! Couldn't agree more..

      October 29, 2012
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      WORD!!!

      October 29, 2012
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      thisboyperforms

      Thank you!

      October 29, 2012
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      Why is the word "Cheat" used though? We could discover a better word. Like "Contracting" or "Made in China" or "Outsourcing".

      October 29, 2012
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      la_ensemble

      So… Just to be sure, you will break up your home and traumatise your children if you're faced with a 'cheating husband' situation? Even if you're 50 at the time?

      October 29, 2012
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        guest

        abegi , the children will be alright . I'm quite young and i know my dad cheats on my mum and shes still with him (if she decides to leave him today i will pack her bags for her )Is that the type of example she should be? Most families today are like this , so are we saying cheating is part of marriage or should be condoned ?

        November 5, 2012
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      lmao @ 'lack of sex is giving you fever'. However, it may not be your portion, but believe you me the urge for sex can be extremely strong, strong enough to 'give you fever' indeed! It has nothing to do with being backedup with semen. It's a mental thing, and anybody who knows about mental urges knows that these are the hardest to ignore.

      Plus, I think you misunderstood my point. It was not about him wanting to sleep with someone else, it was whether this act could be considered as cheating, if I consented to it. Like I said, perception is of utmost importance. Maybe before saying you don't tolerate cheating, you should define it – to some men, having a male friend they don't know about is tantamount to cheating.

      October 29, 2012
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        Hmmmm…. U av a big heart….. I no fit

        October 29, 2012
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          lol I didn't say I gave him permission o! It's just, my reaction (lack of anger, suspicion, etc) surprised even myself. I guess it is true that you never know how you might feel in certain situations until they actually crop up.

          October 29, 2012
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      Ilike

      October 29, 2012
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    #IamAy0

    I will totally agree with this if the "Recreational Sex" can be practiced by both man and woman. Someone said that women can easily be "emotionally" involved…and who says men don't? As long as it is good for the goose,it must be okay for the gander too. And which couple mutually agrees to "cheat"? Abeg, you people should pinch yourselves and wake up from your slumber.

    October 29, 2012
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    Naaaahhhh, i dont think its morally acceptable to cheat whether physically or emotionally. We all have our urges. Just as a man is drawn to sex, so is a woman drawn to men that can deliver the sweet words, look better or that can take better care of her. Sooooo at the end of the day it all boils down to how much U WANT TO discipline yourself. Women easily think of the multiplying effect of their actions buh I THINK men just tend to enjoy things for the moment and think about the effect later…i think its the society that is encouraging this though, cos it is the woman that is usually crucified for things like this.
    Like i said it all boils down to discipline sha and we all need it…more evil is attached to the act of cheating than good it has ruined families- rendered children orphans, killed some children, made women widows, made men useless and so on and al u need is to have a fling with the wrong person, the annoying part is dat the man will go outside and bring problem to the whole family, abeg its always better not to….enof sed!

    October 29, 2012
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    Abiola

    If we could all get away with it, we would all have a fling or two. But it doesn't make it right. There are so many things that we would rather do because its in our nature to do these things, but we have to curb our natural urges for the progress of civilization. You can't sleep around and keep everyone happy,it's just not possible. Women have the urge to sleep with other men as well, some do but most don't. You just have to learn to keep your shit together and occupy your mind with more productive things/thoughts. Everyone should stop defending men and cheating, it's when we hear talks like this constantly that we begin to lower our moral standards.

    October 29, 2012
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    ”The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing..bla the bla”. Before nko? Do they think they ll get a pat on the back.

    I personally think a partner asking for permission to cheat is disrespectful….. Rather do ur thing and don’t get caught.

    And on the other hand…. I don’t believe in the ‘all men cheat” generalisation. I am a faithful lover, I expect same from my partner.

    We really need to stop promoting infidelity. Thankyou

    October 29, 2012
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    TeeY

    I do not believe one gender should have an easy way out when it comes to cheating in marriage. Except we wrote our marriage vows to include a "feel free to cheat" clause rather than the regular: "Forsaking all others", then there's no way! I won't cheat on my partner and he 'berah' not cheat on me.

    October 29, 2012
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    anon

    Physical cheating I can forgive. Emotional cheating however…………… Someone told me when u love someone, hurting the person'll hurt u more. The thought of that alone should stop u. Ps: you can cheat emotionally without sex being involved.

    October 29, 2012
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      Emotional cheating. Does it have a definition? Like, "Being closer to an outsider than your partner?" Cos I was asking on my page whether it was possible for your bestie and your soulmate to be different people and the general female consensus was YES. Apparently the emotional cheating for women is a given just like the physical cheating is for men, yes?

      October 29, 2012
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    This topic is a nice one for discussion. Sadly I'm waiting to see more people.

    October 29, 2012
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      Its a working day after a holiday or shld I say a long weekend! Busy monday it is

      October 29, 2012
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    kaylatee

    Stolen meat is the sweetest?? Really?…. I used to like you tip……
    Cheating is not allowed. Simple

    October 29, 2012
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    Deee

    So how exactly will this consensual cheating abi recreational sex situation pan out? Two people in a committed relationship will agree they have 3 lives each, to be used whenever the need arises or whenever they feel like? So reasons could range from, we’re oceans apart and I’m sexually frustrated to “I’d like to have recreational sex just ‘cos its Thursday”?

    Certain things are sacred and should be treated as such. Committed relationships/marriage is not for everyone. Its okay if you’re not ready or you do not want to go there ever. I have respect for people who’ve made this decision and are vocal about it.

    Niyoola and Tori have said it all.

    October 29, 2012
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      Ur last statement has said it all 😀

      October 29, 2012
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    The good doctors views are a cleverly concocted mishmash of nonsense, conjecture, evolutionary psychology, statistics and just a hint of bullshit. Yes, while these views may be supported by Evolutionary psychology and statistics, we all know that evolutionary psychology only predicts tendencies and not actions and well… statistics is mostly hogwash.

    Perhaps men have a higher tendency to cheat because they weren't wired for monogamy by evolution in the early days when man was not at the top of the food chain, life expectancy was low and infant mortality high. But those days are long gone. Besides, its only a tendency. What you do with that tendency is up to you.

    Socially, these days, many studies have shown that women are cheating a lot more an are just much more discreet about it. Remember the Durex study saying up to 54% of Nigerian women have cheated on their spouses. Again, statistics.

    The truth is, Everyone cheats but women can very easily hide theirs so its creates a perception problem. How many of you know for a fact that your father is indeed your father? Have you had a paternity test? There are many men out there obliviously raising another man's child because a cheating wife covered her tracks very carefully.

    In the end, there is no REAL evidence that any sex cheats more than another. And whether or not it makes or breaks a relationship is up to the people involved and what they want from the relationship in the first place.

    October 29, 2012
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    Most people( Male or female) r "likely" to cheat (emotionally or sexually), basically every one has d tendencies, just dat some people r principled and disciplined.

    I personally don't think every guy cheats… There r some principled and disciplined guys o.

    @Tiki u av a big heart… IMO ur significant other lacks discipline. What happens wen u guys r married and u or him travel for a course abroad and d other can't get a visa…

    Ps: Emotional cheating is worse dan sexual cheating…

    October 29, 2012
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      lol @ he lacks discipline. Those were my exact thoughts, as in if i can do it why can't you? Abstinence for purely sentimental reasons gets really difficult but if you hang on for a bit, it'll pass. No need to let it overwhelm you.

      October 29, 2012
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    No, men should not be allowed to cheat just because they can. But as the daughter of a very philanthropic man (my father had four wives and three concubines- and yes, i have no apologies), i know for a fact that when a man is used to regular sex, as regular as 3ce daily, you do not expect him to move to another town for as little as 6 months without looking to get some 'action'.

    African men are polygamists by culture. Now and again, there is the exception, but the truth is-those rarely exist. my opinion is simple; if you have to cheat, let it be worth your time, my time (cuz you know i will definitely check her out later), and please, use condoms. i dont ever want my kids to reenact the scenario of '..this is oluwabukunmi, and he's your brother. he'll be living with us from now on…'

    If that happens, someone might get shot!

    October 29, 2012
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      Lwtmb…. Some sense there

      October 29, 2012
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      *rolling* Someone might get shot indeed…………..

      October 30, 2012
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    or should i say- (God gave me jara/fisi (extra))

    October 29, 2012
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    To cheat is a CHOICE , To forgive or not to forgive a spouse dat cheated is a CHOICE! In d end we all create our ideas seeing dat d topic of right or wrong differs with person!

    October 30, 2012
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    duchess

    everything we’v all said boils down to CHOICE and INDIVIDUALITY…..
    to guys, a girl flirting/exchanging platonic e-mails/liking a guy without any sexual thoughts attached/smiling at another guy etc is cheating so why then would a guy expect me to lie over and play deaf-dumb-blind-dead when he decides to screw some other yansh? We are responsible for our actions….

    @ La-ensemble: the man should have thought of his kids at least before bringing out that dick..why should the woman be left to pick up his ‘shit”? Imagine if you will, giving your finance, keeping aside your needs, giving your all, having kids for this man, maybe even quitting your job to take care of the home etc and you find out he cheats on you after 50years!!!! geez!!!

    what happened to the vows ””…….Forsaking all others….””?

    October 31, 2012
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    babyadachi

    No one likes to be cheated. Ho Ha. You cheat, I find out, I cheat too. Who e go pain pass?

    Treat others the way you would love to be treated. Shikena. God isn't foolish. He knew all these before he gave us instructions. If you're polygamous by nature, get women who love you that way and join a religion that supports it. Then, you won't be hurting anyone and you won't be commiting. Apart from that, all other things are trash!

    November 2, 2012
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    I can cheat without getting my emotions involved just as he can. I also get crazy horny and sometimes want to jump that hot stranger or that friendly acquaintance. I am honestly tired of hearing that sex is a need for men like it isn’t a need for women too; at least for lots of women. The idea is to control these urges when commitment has been made. So if he is allowed to cheat, I should be allowed too.

    November 5, 2016
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