Dami was going to be late if he didn’t hurry and get to work before 10. His supervisor was waiting for him to slip up just one more time and he’d fire him faster than an egg fries in butter but Dami couldn’t get his eyes off his phone.
Joining Twitter in 2015 was probably the best decision he’d made since the egghead that was him won the race to ovulation. Today’s topic had him in stitches already and it wasn’t even yet noon. Plus, he was being the Devil’s advocate and was ‘LOLing’ all the ridiculous tweeps that were carrying the ‘condoms vs sanitary pads’ debate on their heads.
“You guys won’t be the death of me…”
He was about to hit ‘tweet’ when he heard the horn and as he turned, he saw the car headed straight for him…
He sat up groggily; his head pounding like there was a competition between two Ekiti women trying to make the perfect iyan. He blinked as his eyes got used to the lights and he tried to collect his thoughts and remember how he got here. Where was here? He knew he was in a hospital but how did he get here? He winced as he faintly recalled the horn and the car coming straight for him then he smiled immediately, hoping it was a white man who almost did him in so he can tell Twitterverse how some white Trump supporter almost killed him but he sued his ass for all he had and was now a Twitter big boy.
“Judging by the smile you have on your face, I think it’s okay to discharge you then…”
Dami looked up and saw a doctor smiling gently at him.
“How do you feel? Do you know where you are?” The doctor asked him this as he looked at the chart in his hands and checked some things on the monitor.
“I’m in a hospital. And as to how I feel, I feel like there’s a war going on in my head…and they’re using only cannons!”
The doctor laughed.
“You have two broken ribs, a fractured hand, a concussion and a couple of stitches but your sense of humor seems to be unscathed. That’s good.”
“Trust me doc, it doesn’t feel good” Dami said humorlessly.
The doctor laughed heartily.
“A few weeks and you’ll be fine. The person who ran you over just finished giving her statement to the police and would like to see you. Do you mind or would you rather call someone yourself?”
“Nah doc, I want to hear this person tell me how sorry he is before I sue him for every penny his has.”
The doctor chuckled softly.
“Good luck. I’ll be outside if you need me”.
Dami lay back and closed his eyes, enjoying the softness of the pillow when he heard a soft knock.
“Come in” he said.
First thing Dami noticed before opening his eyes was the distinct aroma of fresh bagels. Before he could say anything, his stomach growled a greeting to the person who’d just come into the ward. Dami opened his eyes and then he saw her.
She was stunning.
That was the only word qualified to describe the woman. Stunning. And painfully familiar. Dami struggled to get his tongue working but he didn’t need to.
“I’m so sorry. I swear I took my eyes off the road for a second and the next thing I k…
But Dami wasn’t paying attention to her words. He was too struck by the way her lips moved and the way her eyes sparkled and the movement of her hands and the familiarity of it all.
“I have just one question” Dami managed to croak out.
Thinking he was parched, she reached to offer him the glass of water on the table beside him but he brushed her hands aside, indicating that wasn’t his problem.
“So did you hit me because ‘men are scum’ or because I get condoms for free and you have to buy your sanitary towels?”
She froze, her facial expression revealing how confused the question made her.
“Did you hit me because I’m male so I’m scum or because I’m male incapable of understanding what you go through when the lady in red comes to collect her monthly dues?” Dami asked again, this time with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“The lady in red comes to col… Ohhh!” she said, understanding filling her face.
“To be honest, when I saw you I didn’t think you were scum, but you did look like the kind of person who would LOL at comments from the real scum and that made you scum by association and it would have been criminal to just let you go.” she said with seriousness and a straight face.
Dami didn’t know if it was the matter-of-fact way she’d answered or the uncertainness he still detected in her body language that made him start to laugh but laugh he did till she joined him.
“My handle is atGodDamie – with an ‘e’ after the ‘i’. The least you can do is give the guy you almost killed a follow back.” Dami said with a wry smile.
“You mean asides paying the hospital bill AND getting you bagels that your stomach obviously wants but you’re trying to act indifferent about only to probably grab the second I turn my back? Yup, you’re definitely scum,” she replied with aplomb.
“Well, I definitely didn’t ask to be hit by some crazy woman on a self-given mission and it is the sole right of anyone in distress to have bagels so either get on with that follow or risk my scummy wrath.”
She laughed again.
“Fair enough. Hey Dami?”
“Is there someone you’d like me to call? I mean, won’t someone be missing you? Girlfriend, maybe?”
The room had started to spin so Dami rested his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes, waiting out the dizzy spell. He smiled at her question.
“If I had one, she’d have beat you to running me over, and she would have finished the job, trust me. Now, please go. These drugs make me confess my deepest darkest secrets!”
“No way am I telling you of my love for Captain Crunch to start with…” Dami mummured as he fell asleep, his brain not making sense of the time the wall clock told.
It said it was 9:39am.
“Mmmm… It’s so hard”, she said with a moan.
“And yours is so warm and soft. Goodness!” Dami groaned in response. “I stand by what I said, Captain Crunch with warm water is worse than the muck they serve in this hospital!”
“And the hospital must have gotten your discharge date wrong for them to think you’re healthy enough to leave if you still insist that lots of milk and ice cubes is the right way to take cereal!” She replied with playful disgust.
Dami was in a great mood. He was finally leaving the hospital and she was with him, just as she’d been every day since he was first admitted. As he left, the doctor had good-naturedly slipped a bunch of condoms into his bag and winked at him before telling her to take good care of him in a tone they both knew held more than one meaning.
“You know what?” Dami began, “Your services and company for the last couple of weeks have been appreciated but your disrespect to the art of cereal making has made this relationship incompatible. You may go now. I’ll take a cab home.”
“Really?” she said as she thanked the nurse that had escorted them to her car and drew herself close to Dami’s lips. “I better thank you for not pressing charges then and be on my way.”
“I wondered when you’d deem me fit enough to finally kiss me.” Dami said softly as his lips brushed hers ever so gently.
“Had to wait to be sure. Can’t be responsible for giving you a heart attack just yet, I still have lots of time to do that” she whispered back as she leaned in for the kiss.
She tasted like everything he’d imagined she would taste like and more and he couldn’t get enough of her. Time seemed to freeze and all that mattered was the beautiful woman in his hand. They kissed till all he could hear was a distant blare that seemed to be getting louder until it was impossible to ignore. At the last moment, Dami looked up and saw the car headed straight for them…
Dami was frozen and couldn’t get his legs to respond to his brain so he closed his eyes and braced for impact. It never came.
“Are you going to stand in the middle of the zebra crossing and close your eyes or are you actually going to cross?” an annoyed voice said.
Dami opened his eyes, looked and saw that he’d stopped in the middle of a zebra crossing and had spaced out for a second. He hurriedly crossed, waving his hands in apology at the driver.
He glanced at his wrist, the pretty girl on the floor of the watch smiling back at him as her hands told the time.
Dami cursed under his breath as he picked up the pace.
He was going to be late.
“Kids, go easy on the movies. You never know when you start dreaming like you’re in one and it might get you fired :D”
Story by Timilehin Oshinowo