Hey people, trust the weekend is going on well. As promised yesterday, here’s the revised pilot of the series. From here on, we’ll have shorter and more reader friendly episodes (I pray). As always, I’ll appreciate any form of feedback. Cheers.
“Will you just find me an educated midget.”
“I can’t do a show on vertically challenged people without talking to a midget can I?”
“Arrrghhhh stop ringing gaddemit.
“Let me call you back.”
I did it! I did it Kemi.
Oh, Charles I’m sorta in the middle of something… can I…
I just did it Kemi…
What did you do?
I bought a ring…….. I just went and bou—
You did what?
I bought a ring!
What kind of ring? For what? For who?
Well, that’s what you’re going to help me figure out.
I looked up to see Charles’ pearly white teeth grinning at me as he held open the door to my office with one arm while he clutched on to an opened jewelry box with his other hand. Oh, manners. Hi. My name is Adekemi Manuel. Host of “The Late Late Night Show With Kemi”, daughter to His Royal Highness, the Ooni of Ife and wife to Captain Babatunde Manuel. We’ll get to that later. Standing at the door to my office is Charles.
Charles: “Well, don’t just sit there. Are you just going to …. What are you doing? Who are you calling?”
Jade: Hey, Kemi, can I call you right back, I’m kinda in a tight position right now”
Kemi: Well, let me make it tighter for you – Charles bought a ring?
Jade: A what?
Kemi: Yes, you heard me right, he bought a WEDDING ring.
Jade: For what? I mean for who? ……. Whaooooooo … ouch.. Oooouuuuccchhh…
Kemi: Err… Jade, are you ok?
Jade: Ooooouuuch… Yes, I’m fine, I only almost just fell off an elephant.
Charles: Elephant? Where on earth are you this time?
Jade: Oh, so you’re there……. I’m in India; traveling with a UN team and I hope that ring is for Sandra.
Jadesola Adeyemi. The most selfless person I know, possibly the most selfless person in the whole world. She’s always in one place or the other somewhere in the world helping people and almost always forgetting about herself. More about her later..
Kemi: You mean Tara…
Jade: Oh, there are just too many of them.. but, yes, her…
Charles: Oh, hell no.. she has manly feet and that spooky sound she makes when she sleeps….not happening …
Kemi: Just stop. Stop it Charles. Why did you buy a ring if you have no one to give it to. Is this all a joke?
Charles: Well…. I’ll turn 30 in about ten weeks from today …. I visited my mom yesterday and she just…. she said somethings and I thought, what the heck, it’s time.. I’m matured enough… I’m ready…. so I went out and bought a ring.
Jade: Kemi, please slap him for me.
Jade: So that’s just why you bought a ring?
Kemi: wait, so, now what do you want from us.
Charles: Seeing as you guys are my bestest friends in the world and probably know more about me than anyone else, I’ve decided that you’ll help me make the decision.
Jade: huh? Is he being serious?
Charles: I know how hard a task it can be, considering my erm… past … and present… but here
(Charles brings out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket).
I call it, my “deed map”… On it, I have 19 names of girls I’ve been with at some point in my life and a little background information – most of which I’m sure you already know, if you can remember that is – well, I was aiming for ten but I just couldn’t… – so, 19 gurls and I need to eliminate 18 of them before my birthday so I can propose.
Oh, one more thing, this isn’t the bachelor – this is my life so, better take it seriously.
Kemi: You can’t be ….serious..
(Kemi said with her mouth wide open as she further examined the “deed map”)
Jade: I’ll be back next tomorrow.
Charles: That’s the spirit.. Oh, I’m late for a lunch date. I’ll talk to you girls later. Ciao
Charles Effiong. Youngest Ad Agency Creative Director in the country. Successful smooth talking mutherfucker; mini sex God, ladies man and best friend to Jade and I for almost 10 years. This might sound like a joke but I know when Charles is serious and this is one of those times. God help us.
*3 Days Later
Jade: Kemi, have you even read this …this thing he calls a list?
Jade: How did some girls get on this list. I mean.. Eno? Isn’t that the one who couldn’t climax?
Kemi: Well, quit talking like you don’t know your friend is Captain Save-a-ho
Jade: This is marriage we are talking about Kemi… forever and ever…
Kemi: shush.. quit talking like marriage is some life imprisonment sentence.. there is something called ‘divorce’ remember? And as sad as it might be, if a time comes when he needs to use that exit card then he will and we will SUPPORT him as his friends.
Jade: his parents split up when he was ten.. he’s wanted to get married since then just to prove to them that it’s not so hard to keep a family together…
Kemi: well.. that was till he discovered his super powers ..
(I and Jade were now standing at the waiting area of Charles’ office watching him far off walking towards us with a light-skinned slim-figured lady walking alongside him)
Jade: Powers? Oh.. that?
Kemi: yup.. that.. colour-struck tadpole that he is.. look at how the girl is soaking him all up.. For all you know he could be giving her advice about her relationship
Jade: Or they could just be talking about work
Kemi: Work? Really? Come on, I’ve come around here too often to know that the actual amount of time these ad agency guys work is so little?
Jade: Anyways, he’s almost here… so who do we start with?
Kemi: Eno won’t be a bad start..
Jade: Are you trying to ruin his future? I jus—-
Kemi: Nope. And that’s why I think we should knock off all the weak contenders first.. come on, you and I know he’s not going to propose to Eno
Jade: Err.. well… I was even thinking of imposing a no sex clause while all of this is going on..
Charles: No what? You do know sex is a veeeeeery important part of any marriage.
Kemi: Oh please, don’t preach to us like you do your victims. This is our show and we’ll run it how we want.
Charles: but but you guys—-
Jade: And don’t think we won’t know too.. I can smell your lies a mile away
Kemi: But we’ll cut you some slack and see just how well you behave for starters. You asked us to take this seriously so you also have to. We’ve come up with a plan..
Jade: We have? I mean.. yes, we have.
Charles: Good. It’s about time too. Lets hear it.
Kemi: Well, every week, we’ll pick two girls from the list. You’ll have to find a way to split your time between both girls during the week and at the end of the week you’ll send us a report.
Charles: Huh? A report?
Jade: You heard her right.. A report.
Kemi: A DETAILED report. I’m not talking bout your sexscapades. I’m talking pros and cons. If we’re going to do this, then we’ll have to go all the way down to details
Charles: Wow.. now I regret adding that ‘taking it seriously’ bit.
Jade: One more thing, during this erm.. period, please try to stay away from other women so you can focus. 19 women is more than enough drama already.
Charles: Ok with the rules already.. who do I begin with?
Kemi: Well, this week, you have … Eno and….
Jade: Erm… Shayo..
Kemi: My God.. don’t tell me you cant even remember the names of the people on your own list.
Charles: Of Course I can.. just erm… memories…
Jade: Well, keep them in the past and focus on now. So, are you going to start out with dates or what?
Charles: That’s my call isn’t it? Thank you ladies for your time; I’ll have your “report” in by Sunday.
As Charles ushered us out of the waiting room, I couldn’t help but imagine how all of this would end. I love him like a brother and wanted him happy but I secretly prayed he was truly ready for all of this.