Our Best Friends Wedding Episode 2: Eno

She smiled from across the table. Goofily, he smiled back.

The ambience was decent; the food not so much. But he could bear. He WOULD bear. The babe was beautiful. Utterly pretty. He imagined merging his fingertips in a bunch and kissing them. And she was smart too. Really smart.

“So what do you think about the proposed amendments to the ICPC Act?” she asked softly, her voice caressing his sensibilities with every syllable.

“I’m not rrrr really one ffff for politics,” he stammered. This was the third time she’d made him stammer. First she brought up International news, then gist about GDPs around the world. All topics best served in lieu of Valium: tranquilizers.

Ordinarily, he’d be out the door by now but for two things staring him down from across the wooden divide.

And they were not her eyes.

“Boobies for President.” He thought to himself. Suddenly he heard someone speak: “Clearly, you’ll be voting, jerk.” Then he realized that he’d just thought…

Out.

Loud.

************************

Sunday

************************

“But Eno is fun sha.” Kemi chirped, “And she’s always calling you out on your B.S.” she continued,

“When she isn’t talking politics!” Charles roared. Both women laughed; Charles winced.

“So where are we taking Eno this time? I hope it’s someplace that helps you give more attention to her face though!” Jade never missed a chance to remind him of that awful day.

“Shebi it’s because I told you about it abi?” Charles looked hurt.

“Don’t be like that now. You know I’m only teasing,” Jade pleaded.

“No o! Don’t tell me that. Because I,” Charles stressed, “will not be telling you anything anymore, my dear.”

“Ahn ahn Charles…” before Jade could go further Kemi interrupted.

“Enough, you two! Charles, your date: be nice, be courteous, behave.”

“But I always behave,” he defended.

“Only when they are “B” cups!” Jade shot.

“Grrrr. I’ll so get you Jade. You know I will.”

“For where,” Jade dared him, “You always talk up a storm but you know you can’t do anything to us…”

Kemi  grabbed Jade’s wrist. “Oya, playtime’s over. Same time Tuesday, we want deets. Ok Cha-cha?”

****************************************

2 averagely priced meals, 2 bottles of wine and approximately 48 hours later…

****************************************

“So… how did it go?” Kemi sounded very bubbly and excited,

“I’m not saying while she’s here.” Charles pointed at Jade while mimicking a child’s facial expression of disgust.

“Oh grow up already,” chastised Kemi. Jade put her arms around his neck and coaxed away:

“Besides, you know you want to.”

“Oh hell! It was great.” Charles broke. Staying mad at either was impossible. Man-being-able-to-predict-the-end-of-the-world impossible.

“Really?” the girls chorused, “Yaaaay!” They were now clapping softly.

“So tell us,” Kemi inquired, “what’s her score?”

“A perfect zero.” Charles quipped.

“Why? I thought you said it went great?!” Jade always knew Charles was fickle with women but still… “What happened Cha-cha?” she asked feigning surprise by rolling her considerable eyeballs. He shook his head in exasperation and replied sternly:

“One. I still hate that name,” cue both ladies giggling, “Two. Sex happened.” He shut his eyes for the inevitable uproar. Ultimately, said uproar came out as a mish-mash of “What?!”, “How!!”, “You dog!!!” and “Silly perv!!!”

Once the first wave was over, he carried on:

“That’s precisely why I couldn’t possibly marry Eno: too sexy! All I wanna do is nail her. And then ply the nail out and nail her again to make sure.”

“You pig! If you weren’t my friend eh…” Kemi was displeased.

“But wait… I thought men always wanted sexy women who desired sex once per weekday, twice on Saturdays and infinitely on Sundays!” Jade yelled just a tad. Sometimes Charles made no sense at all.

“As mistresses, house-girls and superiors at the office? Yes. As wives? No ma’am.” Charles replied expressionlessly.

“All right,” Kemi sighed, clearly defeated, “So who’s next on the list?”

“Ahn ahn. As planned now. Shayo.” Charles supplied, slightly bemused Kemi would forget so quickly.

“Better behave o!” Jade warned, “Cuz if your handling of Eno is any indication, God help Shayo,” she finished.

“Errrm… no!” Charles countered, “If Shayo’s handling of ME – the last time we hooked up at least – is any indication, God help Charles.”

The ladies looked at each other and passed an unspoken resolution before both looking at him and chorusing: “Pig!”

“I love you too, ladies,” he chimed mirthfully. “So…see y’all on Friday?”

*UPDATE: Only just realized I haven’t introduced my guest writer on this series. He’s the one, the only: @cikk0 and I’d just like to give him a huge s/o for pushing my writing skills to a higher height. Hope you guys enjoy it. And for those who missed it, you can read Episode 1 here.

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Comments
  • Jasmine

    1st… Pls send my bottle of wine

    May 26, 2011
    • jadesola

      U can have kunu instead

      May 26, 2011
      • tommiegal

        LMAO!!!

        June 23, 2013
  • kechilauren

    I was meant to be the first oh..but it is well..mtn.sigh*

    May 26, 2011
  • Kleopahtra

    Oh well…Fingers Crossed..!

    May 26, 2011
  • kechilauren

    Why do I ppronounce shayo as "shayo" by durella…shrugs*ok..this is nice..so chacha wants a girl hez not overly attracted to..?
    I'm pretty sure after hez married he'll still go after girls like Eno.:|waitingg for the next episode.

    May 26, 2011
    • LOL! I did that toooooo! And then i started playing the song as the soundtrack for the rest of the story 😐

      May 26, 2011
      • kechilauren

        Loool..but why..did u dance while u were at it?

        May 26, 2011
  • Episode 2 ke? When did 1 come out?! Warris all this?

    May 26, 2011
  • :)

    So d games v begun, btw, really can't comment currently @ an imterview

    May 26, 2011
  • dami

    Nearly first! 😀

    May 26, 2011
  • Glory

    Well this is just a story. I'd wouldn't want to think that the average man doesn't want a brilliant and sexy wife. And her name counts?

    May 26, 2011
    • Glory

      *I wouldn't…

      May 26, 2011
      • of course her name counts… would you want to marry a guy named Longinus.. Ignatious … Cletus…

        May 26, 2011
        • Glory

          Lol… Point taken 😀

          May 26, 2011
  • So my understanding is dude cud only think of banging this chic and nothing else… thats why it could not be serious…
    Ok…
    Over Sexy can b a bad tin ladies!
    Can same be said for men though?

    May 26, 2011
    • hahaha.. well.. maybe eventhough I don't know how it can be cured.
      As for your question, over to the ladies…

      May 26, 2011
    • Yes being seen as a sex symbol is as much a curse as it may seem a blessing…. not so much of a blessing sef…

      May 26, 2011
  • Tobi

    Err… I wud av thot a pretty, sexy woman who's also smart and can hold her own during intelligent conversations is wat guys want. Maybe just my opinion. Oh well, its just a story. Nice write up. Still. Believe charles will end up wit jade.

    May 26, 2011
  • oyinkan

    I'm suspecting jade loves him….

    May 26, 2011
  • Ahem…..tooooo short!!!

    May 26, 2011
  • Jade Mustapha

    This jade name sef! Lool..so guys don't want a wife they can nack everyday….interesting…

    May 26, 2011
  • lagoshunter

    If Charles were a real person telling this story, a lot of people (including folks here) would say a number of things:

    1. "He is making it up"
    2. "Empty vessels make the loudest noise"
    3. "Bla bla bla"

    But it's all good when we are reading it on a blog page.Yes?

    I suspect thetoolsman & co are telling their own personal stories here with these episodes of "Our Best Friend's….".

    *Time to siddonlook with a bottle of Black Johnny Walker, a pot of Nkwobi & my transistor radio*

    PS: Sometimes, I wonder what excites us. Is it the story? The writing style? The author….Or the need to feel like we are part of a small community?

    Gbagauns & typos are 100% copyrighted by me.

    May 26, 2011
    • There are Charles' living amongst us… and once again I'll stress that the story is completely made up…

      *serves some of your nkwobi, orders red wine* …

      May 26, 2011
  • If you ask me, this young fellow is not ready to marry. He didn't even try with the Eno babe. And if he knew he didn't want her, why was her name on the list to begin with? He should better go and return that ring before the warranty expires. Me sha, I just feel all this is some sort of prank.
    But nobody asked me, sooo…*sips chilled malta guiness*

    PS: "All I wanna do is nail her. And then ply the nail out and nail her again to make sure.” «- Best sentence in story 🙂

    May 26, 2011
  • Gbemi

    Wow,so to be very sexy and intelligent is a sin. Charles is a knucklehead. It sounds like its gonna be interesting, u better have part 3 tomorrow!! Don't be teasing us like when you were writing A-Zed

    May 26, 2011
    • Aunty take it easy na. Once a week. Thursdays. Also, marriage requires a combination of qualities, being sexy and intelligent are just some…

      May 26, 2011
  • @cikko na bros…great stuff…I'm so lookin forward to d rest of dis series…
    N as for Charles assertion…it is partially correct…n dat's all I'ma say bout dat…*drops d mic*

    May 26, 2011
  • lagoshunter

    Where are you ladies getting the idea that a man doesn't desire a 'sexy Intelligent' woman?

    The adjective phrase was "very sexy" not sexy and intelligent.

    Very sexy is what trophy wives are made of. Not every man wants a trophy wife. Just as well, not every man wants a sexy intelligent wife or every woman wants a sexy husband.

    May 26, 2011
    • tommiegal

      True!

      June 23, 2013
  • ie

    I like…can't wait for the next one…:)
    I think Jade might have a thing for him though…won't be surprised if they end up together.

    May 26, 2011
  • Delphine

    I can't wait to see where this is going… 🙂

    May 26, 2011
  • mizzamakkar

    Uhmmm,great stuff,if this wasn't a story I would have said my bit,cause every guy wants a smart&sexy gurl,someone who's easy on the*i can't wait 4 the next episode..woohoo..

    May 26, 2011
  • mizzamakkar

    Uhmmm,great stuff,if this wasn't a story I would have said my bit,cause every guy wants a smart&sexy gurl,someone who's easy on the eye*i can't wait 4 the next episode..woohoo..

    May 26, 2011
  • ibetapassmyneighbour

    Cool, looking forward to d next!

    May 26, 2011
  • mizzammakkar

    Uhmmm,great stuff,I've a feeling Cha-Cha would end up with Jade,i can't wait 4 the next episode..woohoo..

    May 26, 2011
  • mabijo

    "A perfect zero"-the guy didn't even score her for the sex?

    Looking forward to the next!

    May 26, 2011
  • In my opinion, Charles isn't serious about a relationship. If he's waiting to be prompted by Jade & Kemi. How approriately convenient it would be if he eventually finds out he's in love with either of the two ladies (When Harry met Sal thins). . nice

    May 26, 2011
  • Dibbs on charles ending up with one of his two friends,lol

    May 26, 2011
  • Anonymous

    your blog is amazing. I randomly came across it one day and Ive been addicted ever since. Refreshing. Keep up the good work

    May 26, 2011
  • Anonymous

    And spoiler alertttt:
    I bet he ends up with Kemi or Jade

    May 26, 2011
  • "Man-being-able-to-predict-the-end-of-the-world impossible."

    As in…this totally got me…*wordplay over content mehn* this is the shit!

    May 26, 2011
  • bimbo

    Na wa o. So being verry sexy and intelligent is now a sin. Omo I'm in trbl o bcos dats d adjective I'm described with the most. Pls tula advice! Wat can be done to remedy this?

    For the story, I like the story line. Dnt particularly like how d story is being told tho. D author is trying toooo hard to create a visual in the readers mind hence over explanatn of actions.

    That said, I shall def me bak next thursday

    Ps: all u spoiler alert ppl, I bet he's gonna go thru d list, not find anyone to marry, return d ring and den randomly meet some random babe and marry her afterall isn't that the typical guy thing? (Date someone for EVER and not propose, break up and next month marry some random babe)???

    May 26, 2011
  • Didi

    Sexy girl- banging. UNsexy girl- marriage :(:(

    May 26, 2011
  • jemjem

    episode 3…we are waiting oooo!!!!
    Good job but i must say d wait is killin my psyche!

    May 26, 2011
  • runawayhusband

    I dey lag behind o. Didn't know this post had been out since. chei

    May 31, 2011
  • Japhy

    I could spend hours on end just reading on your website, most times completely lose track of every other thing.
    I am wondering if the utter lack of date stamps on the comments and articles is deliberate. Is it?

    March 11, 2020
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