So I’ve recently just gotten out of a relationship, and now I’ve found myself single again, but not quite ready to mingle. I’m still hurting over the way things ended so abruptly, and I know that I need to take some time to reflect and heal. I know this, because I’ve been through heartbreaks before, and I believe that it’s only logical to give yourself time to get over everything that’s happened. And I’m trying to get there. It’s a process. An annoyingly slow one it feels like, but a necessary one. And for me, it comes in the form of stages.
Stage one was the crying phase, where anything and everything reminds you of this person and you find yourself crying over the littlest things. Oh that was the couch he sat on when he came to visit me that one time? Tears. Oh this was the top I was wearing that he said he liked when we were on FaceTime that other time? Tears. Oh this random man is wearing a shirt almost the exact shade of red as his best friend’s sister’s phone case? Tears (Silly the connections the mind can make at this stage. Trust me, I know). Personally, I think this is the most frustrating stage, and thankfully, I think I’m past it now. I think.
Then there’s the stage where you reach that point where you feel like you can no longer cry. You’ve spent the weekend in bed weeping over past text messages and wondering how things went so left. You’ve binged on romcoms and cried some more, wondering why life couldn’t be that simple. You’ve tried eating your feelings away and ended up crying silently as you chewed. Now, it feels like your seemingly inexhaustible bank of tears has finally dried up, and suddenly, you no longer have an outlet for your pain. Everything hurts just the same, sometimes even worse at this stage, but your once feel flowing tears that somehow made you feel better when you were done, have now abandoned you. I think at this stage, it’s important to find another form of release, physical or otherwise. And for me, it’s writing. Dealing with all my pain internally really messes with me; makes me feel like I’m choking, and so if I can’t cry about it, then I write about it, and it kind of makes me feel better afterwards.
Right now I guess I’m at the stage where you stalk their twitter hoping to get some insight on their life, while still secretly wishing that by some magical means, you guys get back together so you don’t have to hurt anymore, even though you know that this breakup was probably for the best.
Honestly, I see that some progress has been made. And it feels…nice. However, as much as I hate to admit it, a part of me is afraid of getting over this completely. I just feel like getting over the relationship means letting go of all the feelings that I had for him, and I’m scared to let go of that. I mean this is someone I was in love with, imagined a future with, and the thought of one day seeing him again and feeling absolutely nothing, makes me a bit upset, and I think that it’s because getting over him means letting go of the hope that one day we would find our way back to each other again and make things work, and I don’t know if I’m ready to let go of that sliver of hope just yet. And yes, I know how pathetic it sounds, but I don’t know. It’s just how I feel. And maybe along the line, I’d get to that point where I no longer care about any of this, and I’m just ready to get it over with and move on with my life, but till then, I guess I just don’t want to rush the process.