Hey Ma Reverie!
You know I had to check that out just for you right? Apparently it’s French for “dream”. And that’s what you are to me too. Sometimes I grab my totem, the locket you sent me to mark our first year anniversary, just to be sure I’m not living in a dream. Inception-style, you know?
I wish we were together sharing in the beauty of this season in the City of Love; kissing on the sidewalks, cuddling in the parks and doing all the things that lovers do. You should have told that tour guide you have someone whose heart is bound to yours with a lock greater the Arc de Triomphe; someone who’d leap over the Eiffel Tower if he had to, just for you.
You know, technically dear, it hasn’t been six months. It’s been five months, twenty-nine days, fifteen hours and thirty-seven minutes, at least as at the time I will send this message. Yeah, I know you’re rolling your eyes but I’m an engineer darling, it’s encoded in my DNA. Really though, I know exactly how long it’s been because I’ve felt every single one of these moments you’ve been away from me. Just the other day, I called one of the servers at the cafeteria at the office by your name when I was asking for some pepper. All my friends laughed.
You’ve become more than my friend or lover, you’re like an extension of my consciousness in a body of its own. At least on the rig, I’ve got other people with me. When I’m onshore, all I come home to is an empty house with touches of you all over, but only a faint whisper of your essence. The only reason I look forward to being onshore now is the fact that I get to call and hear you. A fact I’m grateful for, but one that only makes me want you around even more. Yet I can’t because you have to be where you are. It’s bittersweet though. A part of me, the logical one, is happy you’re away doing what you love. But the irrational one, the emotional one, wishes you didn’t have to go; is unhappy that I can’t be there with you, as the one you love. But hey, hopefully, you’ll soon be able to do both what you love and the one you love.
I do remember the first day we met. How could I ever forget? I still remember how entranced I was by the aura you seemed to effortlessly radiate. I’ve always been able to see beneath the surface; a trick of the trade. Your case wasn’t different. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but something made me pay attention. I saw beyond the stone walls and moats, beyond the wired fence and barricades that surrounded your heart. I saw the person that was. I saw YOU. I also saw the frailty that was hidden under all those layers of bluster and coldness. I saw the hurt, mixed with uncertainty and doubt. I saw the yearning for understanding and a kindred spirit. Most of all, I saw a thirst for love. I felt your heart call out to mine the way the drums give rhythm to a song. And so I set my mind to break down those stone walls. I would build a bridge across that moat. I would surmount that wired fence and pull down the barricades. And then our hearts would beat in unison. I did and then they did.
We both know there was no way I wouldn’t let you take the job when the offer came. No one catches an eagle and cages it because of love. The only things down that path are pain, regret, frustration and ultimately hate. Seeing you soar brings me joy. With every picture you put up, your smiles make me smile. Your laughter brings some sunshine into my dreariness.
The guys on the rig all laugh at how excited I get when I’m checking out your Instagram page during off hours. I see your happiness, and if it means that you’ll be away from me for a while, then so be it. It’s a pain I am willing to bear. Does that make me selfish? Was I inconsiderate of how much it would hurt you to be away from me, in spite of your love for the work at the magazine? We both know the answer to both questions is no. You will be fine, We will be fine and things will work themselves out one way or another and we will be together.
I have loved you with all I am; holding nothing back, because you have shown me with your life that living any other way is mediocre and worthless. No half measures. I heard our song the other night. I was working late at my desk at home and my shuffle playlist put it on just as I was about to shut down and go to bed. I couldn’t hear India Arie. All I could feel were your eyes looking into mine and your voice saying all those things to me. I’m not surprised I walked into your dreams that night. I wasn’t sleeping, and I could almost reach out and touch you. It was freaky, but it was beautiful. I think back at how you were when we began this journey and I realise that the song really is true, I did heal you. But you healed me too. I didn’t even know I needed healing. You gave me purpose. Loving you and helping you become who I saw you could be was and still is my goal. We’re not there yet, but we’re a heck of a long way from where we started off.
You should have let me tell you all this over the phone. I’ve never really been one for fine words. You’re the writer. But look at me now though. You’re rubbing off. I remember the first letter I wrote to you with that corny line “my heartbeat when you’re not here is like sprite without gas, flat”. Terrible! My boss’s daughter – it think her name is Chioma – received one of those kinds of letters from a boy in her school last week too. He found it and showed me and my God it was hilarious! As we laughed, I remembered how you’d laughed that infectious laugh of yours at my own puerile words too. You’d said Shakespeare would probably be rolling in his grave because of that line. Then we both laughed. But you still loved it though. You understood how deeply my heart yearned to let you know its feelings through those words. Your ability to understand more than the things said; to comprehend totally without any uttered words; that almost telepathic resonance of our souls, even with a separation of several thousand miles is one that I will always cherish. I hope you know how much of a blessing you are to me darling. I really do.
I love you dear. I mean those words with every atom of my existence. With all that I am and I will ever be. I miss you. A LOT!!! I can’t wait to see you and hold you in my arms. I can’t wait to run my fingers through your hair and play with your ears. I can’t wait to look into your eyes and let our souls speak volumes to each other in silence. I can’t wait, but I will.
See you soon my lover, my friend, my heart, my valentine.
Story by Femi Sawyer