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Once upon a time, when I was the Greek god, Atlas, and I ruled Olympus, not Zeus. I was at peace. You were my Hera and I would gladly leave the pillars that stopped the heavens from crushing the earth to be by your side because YOU were my heaven and my world. I lived for me but my life had meaning because you were there to share it with me. Every good time lasted an eternity and every bad time was gone in a blink. We lived a life that even married people might have been jealous of.
From our first date at ICM, to the time when you fell asleep in my arms every night and I was privileged to watch you dress up in the mornings as you prepared for work. For the record, you look stunning when you dress corporately. I remember that you’d come back to bed and lie with me for a while just because leaving me was the hardest decision you had to make that day. I remember because on some days, you ended up not going to work and we’d spend the day watching movies, telling each other the silliest stories and actually working from home. We’d send in the completed work via email and get feedback saying it was well done. We knew then that was something else unique we had; we were an amazing team. We braced every storm together. You were my anchor during that period with my parents and I’d come over to your office to cheer you up when you were having a shitty day.
I remember our first kiss. Thank God for truth or dare. I remember how our ‘minute’ was a lot longer than usual. I remember the stolen kiss by the kitchen door frame. I remember slow dancing with you and the kiss that followed. Your knees buckled and I forgot how to breathe. Every time we kissed, it was magical. Every. Single.Time.
Remember when your brother and I teamed up and I surprised you with a visit? I remember because your blushed a red that rivaled the color of sweater you had on and you just wouldn’t stop smiling. Remember the time when you cried in my arms when your iPod fell and you feared it was broken? I remember because I still have the mascara stain on the white shirt.
Remember the anniversary at the arcade? I still have the extra token we didn’t use. Remember the 21 birthday gifts? I use the watch, wallet and belt everyday. Remember… I remember it all. You showed me a love that is so beautiful, it scares me.
But life wouldn’t let us be soulmates in peace. It demanded its gratuity for discovering the fountain of love. It was angry – no, jealous – that we could fast and pray together, go for vigils and genuinely enjoy being in God’s presence together so it sent Gia, the titan, who also happens to be my mother, our way. Fast forward 3 months after you decided to focus on you because sticking with me was too uncertain because of the curve ball life threw at us, I’m still here, missing you like the sun misses the flower and dying slowly every time I see you on my TL and I can’t say a word to you.
Do you know you’re still the first person I want to call when something amazing happens and its your eyes I want to look into when I need reassurance that things would be alright? I miss your lips. I miss hearing you say, “hey baby”. I miss watching you fight the blush when I tell you how beautiful you are. I miss my manicure and facial inspections. I miss the feel of your fingers between mine. I miss feeling slightly jealous when your eyes light up when you see something exciting. I miss grabbing you hand to show that you’re mine when the guys are drooling at you because of those blue sweatpants or the Aztec print ones. I miss the feeling of elation when you hover jealously when some other babe has my attention.
I miss you and I need you. That’s why when you DM’d me last night and said you can’t even be friends with me because its not safe and because you’re not over me yet, I died again. Impossible, because I’ve been dead since July 19. So when you said you can try to be friends only if I promise never to mention our past, I dived in like a man dying in the desert who just saw an oasis.
I need you in my life. Friend or girlfriend, it doesn’t matter right now as long as you’re in it. It might seem like a foolish decision to some but if they understood the pain I lived in without you, it might be enlightening to them. You might choose to leave me again tomorrow when being ‘just friends’ with me is too hard and I’d die again but its a gamble I’m willing to take. I have to take the chance.
I fear I have set myself up for the kind of pain you only read about in novels; The kind you see in movies that make you thankful that its just a movie ‘cos God himself must sin to allow that kind of pain to exist in this world. God doesn’t sin. He allows for such to exist so that the leap of faith you take when you choose to love someone is all the more exhilarating if you fly.
I love you and I am in love with all that you are. You already know this but I still like to remind you. So if this is the last time I can tell you those three words, as you read them, close your eyes and hear me say them to you. After now, they would be disguised but don’t be fooled. Every time I say “how are you”, “how was your day”, “I’m bored” or any other phrase that is a combination of the 26 alphabets, know that I’m saying it again. I love you. That’s why I have grabbed the chance to be friends with you again.
I need you. Its that simple.
So cheers to our friendship, cheers to a new beginning.
So, “how are you?” That’s how friends act, right?
Your new friend, Me.
Image via Elephant Journal