It is 10 pm and you are all alone in your apartment. You are sitting on the couch, Phil Collins’ hit track If Leaving Me Is Easy is playing on the radio. Then you hold and squeeze the side pillow tightly, and wish to a Genie that the pillow will suddenly turn to a correct and sexy Bobo like that. And after the track is over, you switch over to another Old Skool love jam and drown in more misery. Tragic! Who no like better thing make e talk!
Alright our lovely people, we are here to help. OK? Below are confam ways to trap Bae like a seasoned hunter, after you must have made up your mind that you are tired of the ‘Singu’ life:
Phase I: OBSERVATION IS NOT A CRIME
So you start wondering what could be really wrong with you. At 31, you haven’t been in a serious relationship.
The only serious people that come your way are bricklayers, conductors or Lotto agents. Na Baba Ijebu and Lotto you go chop?
And your Nigerian mum has been on top of your matter all the while
Nothing Ma… I’m just waiting on the Lord!
Even oversabi and amebo aunties don carry your case on top head.
Aunty, ezz nor like dat. Emusbe the devil.
Then you start sampling in your mind those people that could be responsible for your ‘Chronic Singu Life’. You think of that your 82 year old Aunty in the village.
You put her at the top of the list of suspects.
You also remember that your older cousin and put her as number two on the list. The one that threatened to deal with you when you people were teenagers.
Because you didn’t show her mercy in a game of WHOT or LUDO.
Then you remember that your heartless fuck-boy of a boyfriend. The one that took away your red underwear when you broke up with him.Maybe he took the pant to Ikot Ekpene shrine to come and go and finish you totally.
After you finish thinking, you then make up your mind that you will deal with the issue by fire and by force.
The violent shall take it by force.
But before you book a prayer session with Daddy GO, you also make up your mind to start attending weddings aggressively – even the ones you weren’t invited to. This is when you will start executing the following plans:
Phase II: EQUALIZATION OF TROUSER AND PANT
1. During officiating of wedding at the church, make sure you sing loudest. Even louder than the choir members.
So that the prospective Bae will notice you as early as possible before the other girls start competing for his attention with you.
2. Killer outfit toh bahhd – You know the outfit should accentuate your God-given attributes.
If you don’t have any God-given attributes, you can purchase alternatives and pad your body. That brother must notice you by fire and by force.
3. Switch on your Eye-Phucking-101 Mode. You know how Sharon Stone will do it if she was in your shoes? Yeah right!Undress him with your eyes. Make love to his soul with your iris. Hayy Gawd! Let the rays from your eyes pierce into his heart while licking your lips intermittently.
4. Smile at him (even if he is not smiling back at you). Initially, he might think that you must be some psycho that just escaped from Yaba Left.But don’t give up my sister. Keep smiling and he will eventually smile back. Then you will now collect his number. Finito!
5. Use your body language and convey your interest. Start cat-walking upandan in the reception venue. The little nyansh God gave you, make sure to pop it out every now and then.
And what do you think your breasts are for? Giving baby milk? Ma frien’…shake those bells while dancing around him so that he can see them.
6. Gather morale, lose your home training, walk up to him and whisper all those things I can’t even write here into his ears. “Hey Sugar, I’m not wearing any underwear”.
But if peradventure the Bobo’s gyalfriend is somewhere nearby and overhears you, my sister…you are on your own.
7. When it is time for the bride to throw her bouquet, make sure you stay in front and jump the highest. This is a very important step. Jump high enough so he can at least see how high up your legs go.After doing this one and he still doesn’t notice you, then your village people must be playing SNAKE AND LADDER on top of your head.
8: Last Last, if all the strategies don’t work, then it is time to hook up with a willing ‘Side Nigga’At least, you’ll end up with a front so that all those yimu-yimu people that poke into your case will shut up and who knows, he could go from side piece to main course.