I was chilling at a restaurant after a tough and stressful day. Now this restaurant wasn’t my usual local spot. I got lucky on that day and made some extra bucks on the side while shooting dice, so I decided to treat myself to a lavish meal and drinks at a classy joint. I decided to make the outing quick because I was expecting an important mail from an acquaintance – a detail of a new website she wanted for her clothing line. So I gently walked into the joint, sat down and crossed my right leg over the other. I wore my new pair of shoes so I decided to show off a lil’ bit. No blame me jor, those shoes cost me an arm and a leg.
A couple of seconds later, the waitress walked up to me and asked what I wanted to have. I requested for the menu and to my surprise, a bottle of Star Lager beer sold for a thousand and five hundred bucks. My goodness, which kain trap be dis na! I wanted to sneak out of the place guy-man-ishly but decided otherwise. I mean, c’mon, there was no harm in spending that amount on a bottle of Star. But that will be the first and last time I go try am, I swear.
So I asked her to get one for me. Maybe na the blood of our Lord and Saviour dey inside the bottle, I wondered. She asked whether I wanted their ‘special fish barbecue’ to go with the drink. This girl na real winchi winchi o, aswear. E be like say she see me for dream, wan come milk me dry. I reject it in Jesus name, I said silently. Politely, I declined the offer to purchase the ‘special fish barbecue’ and any other thing they had to offer. Just get me the bottle of Star lemme drink and comot from this place.
All of a sudden, I beheld her – a rare specie of cherub, petite yet elegantly tall in poise. In all honesty, the lady was a beauty to behold. Grace adorned her like the hungry flames engulfing an ancient papyrus, and splendor literally spoke kind and inviting words to ravenous admirers like me. Come get me, it said. Just talk to me, her splendor whispered.
At that moment, my passion refused to go to sleep: she was my modern day Athena and I worshipped at her temple. The hunger I felt at that moment wasn’t for any special fish barbecue that would turn my already red bank account bloody, and it wasn’t a thirst for chilled Star Lager from the depths of the restaurant’s freezer. Nope, it wasn’t any of that! It was a yearning to say something to her and not let the magnificent moment pass me by.
As I was wasting precious time like a Juman that I was lost in the echoes of my desire, the waitress came back with the drink. And then I switched my eyeballs from the petite cherub I was staring at to the rotund agbalumo staring at me with the drink on a tray. I took the bottle and opened it. And then I took a gulp.
Before I could say “Monica labalaba”…or…“Baby kpalanga”, the fly chic was nowhere to be found. Holy Mother Mary, why do bad things happen to good people na? Pheww! Tragic!
You see wetin this Mushin girl don cause you now, the voice in my head said. Well, I consoled myself and jejely had my drink before leaving the restaurant. Later, I learnt the petite cherub was the second daughter of a prominent politician in the area that came back from the abroad. Kai, more tragedy for me! See opportunity wey I miss.
Most times, we linger on for like forever, and eventually miss the opportunity that was staring us right into the eyes. Now before you go down this lane like yours truly did, we are here to help. OK? It is not enough to pray all those heavy prayers that your pastor taught you in church about locating your spouse. If you don’t make the move, the prayers will be doused like fading embers on a cold freezing morning. So we present to all ye good folks, four (4) reasons why you should make that first move ASAP:
Delay is a straight ticket to the Friend Zone: Yep, I said it, as the official patron of the MIFZA (Men-In-Friend-Zone Association). There is a school of thought which states that men already know what they want when they see it while women need a lotta persuasion and conviction to go with the flow. Well, I kinda agree. Just kinda sha. Now before you get treated like Chris Evans’ character in the movie Before We Go, it is imperative to state your mission at the beginning of the tryst sharply. Don’t go about smiling sheepishly like an ill raccoon, hoping that the lady will get a clue.
Does she look like a witch with mystical powers to read minds? Is her surname ‘Omo Esu’ or ‘Iya Aje’? Or do you think she is the female version of Lord Voldemort? I bet she isn’t! OK? So my brother, once you meet someone you believe you have a feeling for – that special person you cherish – just make the move ASAP and you are good to go. There is no need to ramble about like a seasoned Moroccan storyteller and beating around the bush. Who beating around the bush don epp?
Missing ribs come in different forms: Yeah, I am just reiterating what that Man of God told you at the last Youth Conference and Retreat in your church. If you don’t make the move, best believe some other guy, somewhere else, will make the move on that lady. Now imagine the feeling of going to bed at night and realizing that someone else took your missing rib while you were just hesitating for too long and wasting time.
Are you a learner? Yes, it is easy to convince yourself that your own SPECIAL missing rib is somewhere waiting for you. But missing ribs are meant to be approached and talked to, and not to keep staring at them as the King of Wishful Thinking. Or are you trying to set a new Guinness Record for staring and looking? So my brother, just make that move. Kpatakpata, you will chop insults from the lady. But who insults don kill before?
Opportunities come but once: Well, not always sha. Some opportunities actually do get reincarnated and reappear sometime in the future. But don’t bank on that and hope for the reincarnation. JUST. MAKE. THAT. MOVE. ASAP. There is no need to keep repeating your prayers every morning without subsequent action. Gabby and the other angels will be angry at you for disturbing their peace. Nope, doesn’t work that way. Prayer without work is like hoping for an ‘immaculate conception’ in Ashewo territory.
Father, I must locate my helper today. My spouse will see me today in the midst of all the men out there. If she doesn’t see me, then I will see her. Give me spiritual eyes, My Father and My Lord. Fill me with a discerning spirit, Good Lord.
Oshey, winchi winchi! You for kukuma add wings join the spiritual eyes na. As per 21st Century Certified Spiritual Wizard. See ehn, before you start blaming Beelzebub for holding your prayers in the air for twenty-one days (à la the days of Daniel), you should upgrade your morale level. Haba? Grow some balls and make that move, gaddamit! You don’t need your spiritual eyes or discerning spirit to be at hundred percent. Just make that move. Even if your lines are wack as phuck, just spit them out ma niggur.
Kpatakpata, the girl will fall your hand. If you persist, she might spray you with Cameroon pepper. No wahala! Last Last, you will wash off the pepper from your eyes and regain your spiritual eyes afterwards. But it is better to try and fail, than not trying at all. OK? So change Bro, you definitely gotta change. Amin!
The Regret is real: There is a reason why balls come in twos. Just like Noah realized the importance of saving two of every kind of animals on the day rain fell, there is a great rationale behind having double nuts. Deez Nuutz don’t lie Bro. Because if you allow the cojones to crack (even for a split second), then regret is definitely gonna be your portion.
Gosh, to hell with being the King of Pussy-Land. You gotta be the Chief of Balls-Clan and let the nuts rule your existence, ma niggur. You see a girl you cherish , don’t waste any time arguing whether the voice you heard is that of the devil masquerading as your inner man. Nope, don’t do that. Just look down on your crotch, grab your sac and touch the contents. You will gain morale as soon as you do so. Then walk up to her and say your mind. Simple! Finito!! But if peradventure her Le Boo (who you didn’t know was somewhere close to the spot all the while) suddenly appears as you are dishing half-baked pickup lines, then my brother…SORRY will be your middle name. By the time you don chop better slap for him hand, you will regret ever having balls at all, Caitlyn.
Word to Mutha: So there you have it my people. The list is just what it is. Just man up and go for what you want. OK? Yes, Terry G did it, so you can. After he had an epiphany that pushing wheel barrow no be work, he grabbed the mic and started shouting singing; now look where he at…Balling! So ma niggur, this is the season of making moves. Make that move on the woman you cherish, and see how it goes. But if peradventure things go horribly wrong, abeg don’t come at us with guns and catapults. Aiit? So go ye into the world with the peace, knowledge and love of the Lord. Amin!