Gone are the days when real talent was real talent. The days when people with genuine talent just did what they had to do to sell records – showcase their talents without recourse to a stunt or two. But nowadays, people do all sorts of crazy ish to get fame and fortune.
Prince didn’t need to show his dick to the whole world for his single When Doves Cry to win a Golden Globe Award for Best Original Song. Now that was real talent! And the beatings Ike gave Tina Turner weren’t publicity stunts to make her single What’s Love Got To Do With win a Grammy for Song of the Year. Those were the good ol’ days when real talent spoke for itself.
Infact, Jesus needs to come back quick quick…aswear!
Anyways, to the young hustler out there hoping to kick start a music career in Naija…no worries, you’d get some clues from us free of charge (as usual). Even if your talent is somewhere between Vic O and Speedy Darlington. Other terrible singers/rappers have made successful careers for themselves and your case won’t be different. Just abide by these rules and watch as your dreadful records get played at parties, clubs and owambes:
1. Make sure to have a single on the radio before pulling the stunt: You can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. You can’t get the fruit of the womb without planting a seed of faith. You can’t destroy the coven of witches without waking up by 12 midnight to pray. Likewise, you can’t pull off a successful publicity stunt without having a material for people to listen to.
“Ma homie, did you see that lady that flashed her boobs on the show last night?”
“Yeah, yeah, I did…I heard shez a musician”.
“Do she gat a track, ma homie?”
“Naa, naa…I’on think so…she don’t gat no track bra. She a nobody”.
And that’s the end! Can you belie’dat? No one would remember you anymore ‘cos you ain’t got no track before pulling the stunt.
But just imagine for a second that you got a track playing on radio stations already before flashing the boobs or showing half your gluteus on TV. A brother would be riding in a bus from Ojuelegba to Mile 2, and instead of listening to the lyrics to your song as the beat plays along, all a brother would be hearing is: ‘boobs’, ‘pant’, ‘idi nla’, ‘shimi’, ‘ukwu’, ‘otele’, ‘nyansh’, ‘ikebe’…as he pictures your boobs and gluteus in his mind’s eye.
2. Do something that would leave a lasting impression: Yes o! If you really wanna feign your death…then make sure you die for real. Don’t pull a Lazarus on us! Can’t you see The Notorious B.I.G. still lives on after dying because his death was a real one? Same with Tupac. And Michael J. And Sinzu (coughs!). I mean, you could really pull an extraordinary feat by actually showing your balls for the whole world to see. Or chop your manshaft into two. Or toss a fine lady’s salad on stage. Or slap an olopa at checkpoint.
3. Make sure that your inner caucus knows about the plan beforehand: Very important! So that it won’t cause untold embarrassments and sacking of manager afterwards. Please endeavour to get your record label mates involved, including your manager. Fill them in on the proposed publicity stunt and the detailed plan on how to execute it. So that when you eventually carry out the stunt, there won’t be a clash of ideas or breakdown in communication. If you don’t do so, not only would the publicity stunt backfire and no one would purchase your latest CD. In addition, the ghosts of your forefathers would show up in your dreams at night and slap you repeatedly until you wake up panting and screaming while drenched in the sea of your salty sweat.
I warned you, ma homie!
4. Give zero phucks about any subsequent backlash: Shout out to my main man…the bleaching nigga himself…Vic O tha Rap Slayer.
Definitely, there would be backlash from haters over time. Don’t mind them jare. Even if you don’t have any, just make them up. They are all enemies of progress; snitches and stool pigeons that don’t want your advancement. Is it not your boobs that you flashed on stage? Is it their mothers’ own? See ehn, you should take a cue from Miley and keep riding on your wrecking ball. Or in a worst case scenario, you’d lay the blame on twitter goons or evil detractors that are out to destroy your nascent career. Swear in God’s name like Uti does on twitter and watch as the sympathy would quickly swerve in your direction.
There you have it…the fabulous tips of life. Apply with discretion and watch as your career climbs to the next level. And when it does, don’t forget that I was the architect of your success. So go ahead and drop that ten percent at our doorstep, and tell the rest of the world about our ministry at TNC.
Image via 360Nobs