Gone are the days when real talent was real talent. The days when people with genuine talent just did what they had to do to sell records – showcase their talents without recourse to a stunt or two. But nowadays, people do all sorts of crazy ish to get fame and fortune.Traap Memes_r12_c4

Prince didn’t need to show his dick to the whole world for his single When Doves Cry to win a Golden Globe Award for Best Original Song. Now that was real talent! And the beatings Ike gave Tina Turner weren’t publicity stunts to make her single What’s Love Got To Do With win a Grammy for Song of the Year. Those were the good ol’ days when real talent spoke for itself.

Then all of a sudden, Fiddy organizes some hoodrats to shoot him nine times for his career to shoot off.Traap Memes_r18_c2

Meek Milly starts eating a phat booty while threatening Aubrey just to sell records.Traap Memes_r20_c10

Skiibii feigns his own death just to get us all to listen to his latest track.Traap Memes_r10_c7

Maheeda constantly shows the whole world how her brain works on Instagram [thru’ da puuzzaayy]… then proceeds to release one awful track.Traap Memes_r14_c11

Infact, Jesus needs to come back quick quick…aswear!

Anyways, to the young hustler out there hoping to kick start a music career in Naija…no worries, you’d get some clues from us free of charge (as usual). Even if your talent is somewhere between Vic O and Speedy Darlington. Other terrible singers/rappers have made successful careers for themselves and your case won’t be different. Just abide by these rules and watch as your dreadful records get played at parties, clubs and owambes:

1. Make sure to have a single on the radio before pulling the stunt: You can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. You can’t get the fruit of the womb without planting a seed of faith. You can’t destroy the coven of witches without waking up by 12 midnight to pray. Likewise, you can’t pull off a successful publicity stunt without having a material for people to listen to.

Ma homie, did you see that lady that flashed her boobs on the show last night?

Yeah, yeah, I did…I heard shez a musician”.

Do she gat a track, ma homie?

Naa, naa…I’on think so…she don’t gat no track bra. She a nobody”.

And that’s the end! Can you belie’dat? No one would remember you anymore ‘cos you ain’t got no track before pulling the stunt.

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But just imagine for a second that you got a track playing on radio stations already before flashing the boobs or showing half your gluteus on TV. A brother would be riding in a bus from Ojuelegba to Mile 2, and instead of listening to the lyrics to your song as the beat plays along, all a brother would be hearing is: ‘boobs’, ‘pant’, ‘idi nla’, ‘shimi’, ‘ukwu’, ‘otele’, ‘nyansh’, ‘ikebe’…as he pictures your boobs and gluteus in his mind’s eye.

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2. Do something that would leave a lasting impression: Yes o! If you really wanna feign your death…then make sure you die for real. Don’t pull a Lazarus on us! Can’t you see The Notorious B.I.G. still lives on after dying because his death was a real one? Same with Tupac. And Michael J. And Sinzu (coughs!). I mean, you could really pull an extraordinary feat by actually showing your balls for the whole world to see. Or chop your manshaft into two. Or toss a fine lady’s salad on stage. Or slap an olopa at checkpoint.

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3. Make sure that your inner caucus knows about the plan beforehand: Very important! So that it won’t cause untold embarrassments and sacking of manager afterwards. Please endeavour to get your record label mates involved, including your manager. Fill them in on the proposed publicity stunt and the detailed plan on how to execute it. So that when you eventually carry out the stunt, there won’t be a clash of ideas or breakdown in communication. If you don’t do so, not only would the publicity stunt backfire and no one would purchase your latest CD. In addition, the ghosts of your forefathers would show up in your dreams at night and slap you repeatedly until you wake up panting and screaming while drenched in the sea of your salty sweat.

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I warned you, ma homie!

4. Give zero phucks about any subsequent backlash: Shout out to my main man…the bleaching nigga himself…Vic O tha Rap Slayer.

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Definitely, there would be backlash from haters over time. Don’t mind them jare. Even if you don’t have any, just make them up. They are all enemies of progress; snitches and stool pigeons that don’t want your advancement. Is it not your boobs that you flashed on stage? Is it their mothers’ own? See ehn, you should take a cue from Miley and keep riding on your wrecking ball. Or in a worst case scenario, you’d lay the blame on twitter goons or evil detractors that are out to destroy your nascent career. Swear in God’s name like Uti does on twitter and watch as the sympathy would quickly swerve in your direction.


There you have it…the fabulous tips of life. Apply with discretion and watch as your career climbs to the next level. And when it does, don’t forget that I was the architect of your success. So go ahead and drop that ten percent at our doorstep, and tell the rest of the world about our ministry at TNC.

Image via 360Nobs

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I took care of that thing for you!
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    LOL, i think its time to release my singuuuu

    September 15, 2015
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      Don’t forget to do something crazy alongside hehe

      September 15, 2015
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      Dr. Baruu

      Omo…datz lovely. Dont forget our tehn purzent ooo!!! Lol

      September 15, 2015
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    haha, who is Skiibii please, death stunt and ain’t nobody knows your dead/undead ass kmt. The Vico dude is just hilarious,

    September 15, 2015
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    Lol@ leave a lasting impression , may God help whoever a MOPOL , you’ll be promoting that music in ya grave. A good way to start my day. Great one Doc!
    Can’t stop laughing ,someone help me before my HM shows up.

    September 15, 2015
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      Dr. Baruu

      Alhamdulillah…have a lovely day Pearl…and dont try it at the checkpoint on ur way back home

      September 15, 2015
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    Dr Baruu is officially my favorite writer on TNC (Sorry S). I laugh at every single article you write and the way my life is set up, laughter goes a long way. Thumbs up ??

    September 15, 2015
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      Dr. Baruu

      Awww…Jhey, you are the best. Gratitude!

      September 15, 2015
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    Toni Osai

    I still don’t get how I’ve read quite a few articles about how shallow Nigerian musicians are and how empty their music is yet these guys be making waves like it’s a joking sturv…
    What exactly is ‘appnin?
    But that Vic-O meme sha
    Great article Dr

    September 16, 2015
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    Wait….are you telling me Fiddy organized the shooting? Please tell this is a joking sturvs. Please.

    September 21, 2015
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    I love to read you. Lol. How did you become so funny?!

    October 28, 2016
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