6 Conversation Topics You Shouldn’t Bring Up While On A Date With A Prospective Bae

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been told I talk a lotta shit. Yep, that’s right…a shit load of shitty shit. Funny shit actually! I don’t walk like Charlie Chaplin neither do I have a facial expression similar to that of Mr. Ibu. Actually, it’s none of that! I mean, I was…

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As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been told I talk a lotta shit. Yep, that’s right…a shit load of shitty shit. Funny shit actually! I don’t walk like Charlie Chaplin neither do I have a facial expression similar to that of Mr. Ibu. Actually, it’s none of that! I mean, I was just being amusing in a comical way. Brethren, I hope you get my point? Fine, I know you don’t. You know what; the summary of the whole twaddle and claptrap literary monologue is this – I could make people laugh even when they didn’t want to.

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At an early age, I even had the guts to tell a joke about my dad’s white beards. When the words left my lips, I froze abruptly. Everyone suddenly froze too and stared at my dad to see what would happen next. My mum gave me the eye as if she was saying: “Ngwa, you see yourself now. You see what you have done? You have insulted your father. Today na today”. And I gave her the eye as if I was saying: “But Malle, it was only a joke na. Abeg, help me beg am o”.

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I expected to get a couple of blows to the face though. But surprisingly, after a couple of seconds had passed, the old man burst out laughing and gave me a pat on the back. Everyone followed suit and laughed except me. I was puzzled. Maybe the blows would still come later after the laughter must have died down.

I didn’t think that was a form of validation. But from that moment onwards, I never feared yabbing anyone. If I didn’t get knocked out by my old man, then nobody in this godforsaken world would dare knock me out if I told a nasty joke about him/her.

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So every time I was chilling at a bar, I would reel out jokes like a politician sharing recharge cards at a rally in Osogbo. And God punish devil, if I come drink like 4 or 5 green boo, walahi, e don be for that day. Even in commercial buses, I would yab strangers, yab the conductor, yab the driver, yab the doggaman selling fake medicine…and any freaking soul and thing that came to mind on the spot. One time, the driver got so angry that he threatened to plunge inside a lagoon if I persisted with the jokes. For where…ogbeni calm down jor, no be all of us go die inside the lagoon! Abi mammy-water go save only you, leave the rest of us!

And the good news was that in spite of all these mischievous escapades, I never got harassed by anyone. So the devil kept pushing me until I landed in hot soup some years later. I yabbed a fine pretty Juliet-Ibrahim-ish sister while on a date with her.

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At that time, I had started gathering more morale than I had in the past. So there I was at a restaurant with this fine chic on a date set up by Mother Mary. Gracious Lord, she was damn too fine. So we placed our orders, and then waited to be served. I thought I couldn’t just keep quiet and stare at her. So I decided to tell jokes so as to start up a conversation, keep her happy and engaged before the meal arrived.

Then I opened my mouth and garbage started to fly out. I told her when she smiled, her teeth looked like those of Freddy Krueger. I told her the weavon on her head looked so good it kinda reminded me of the hair on my Grandma’s while she laid in state. I said other shit from my shitty mouth. And before I could say Jack, she stood up angrily and left. Thank goodness she didn’t even slap me sef.

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So I learnt an invaluable lesson on that day. And I decided to share with you guys today. So below are a few conversation topics you shouldn’t bring up while on a date with a prospective bae. Even if the devil keeps pushing you to discuss these stuff, resist him and he will flee from you.

Any topic that has to do with talking shit: Any topic that has subliminal or even direct jibes: stuff about her phucked up teeth, her sagging boobs, her flat derriere, you know – shit like that. NEVER. EVER. BRING. THAT. UP. OK? Yep, that’s right…’cos you are only encouraging her to question your sanity.

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I mean no one is perfect. And while on a date with a prospective bae, it is time to get to know each other. There are a lotta fun things to talk about. How about your favorite movies (if talk don finish)? Beyoncè’s latest album nko? For Pete’s sakes, there are plenty gist to grab from Naija twitter instead of engaging in sermons about imperfections, bow legs, short stature and other shit. Confam ni!

Banging skills/bedmatics/sexercise: Alright, okunrin meta ataabo, we heard the girl you banged last time at Akoka was speaking in ancient tongues for three days straight. We also know the last time you had that other chic on the sofa, she couldn’t stand up till two hours later. OK? We get that; your destiny could have been having your videos on Pornhub if you were in a more liberal society. We get it…Aiit!

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But don’t just bring up such a topic for discussion on a date with a prospective bae. Even if she tells you her name is GoGoFukMe, or Afrocandy, don’t assume that is an open invitation to brag about your banging game and prolly get you some before the day is over. Nah, Nah, Nah! Shit doesn’t work that way. Because once you do so, she will simply smile and stand up. And then you will think she is about to grab your schlong and unbutton your shirt inside restaurant. You will start licking your thick dark ponmo lips and be imagining those awesome scenes you saw in a movie playing out in the restaurant with her. Lie, Lie! She is simply trying to bail out on you before ordinary talk will turn to forceful penetration. Farabale!

Your Ex and why you broke up with her: Nope, don’t do this. That’s like putting the fingah on yo’ trigga. This is simply not necessary. The past is the past and you gotta let bygone be bygone. Even if she stylishly tries to get you talking, always remember that a real brother doesn’t snitch. Because if you open your mouth to spill your past romantic beans and drop dimes on your ex, it will give her an inkling on how much of an ‘Ayyy-Whole’ you are.

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Koleyewon!

Marriage/mother-in-law/making babies/all that kinda marriage stuffs: Haba? You never finish first date sef. Your blood don dey hot already…you want to jump all the steps in the dating game and land at the final bus stop of marriage.

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No nah! My brother, things don’t work that way! You gotta take this ish one step at a time. And don’t come up with lame lines about how her two eyeballs remind you of the twins you hope to have with her. Who does that? Don’t worry Bro, when you get to the marriage bridge, there must be a way to cross it. Sneh!

Wealth/affluence: My brother, even if you are the richest homeboy amongst your Nwanna. And you own two shops at Alaba, with branches at Onitsha and Asaba. Or the number of boys doing Boi-Boi under your tutelage is plenty. We get it…you are sponsoring numerous poor kids in secondary school. Shoro Niyen? Who send you message? There is no need to tell her that your container at the high sea is not the usual 40 feet (rather, it is 80 feet).

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Don’t go about blowing your trumpet, my brother. Humility is the key. She will eventually find out for herself who you are. OK? So just allow the date to progress seamlessly and charm her rather effortlessly. Ezege!

More topics that have to do with talking more shit: Self explanatory, isn’t it? You’ll get so drunk on cheap white wine. And then you think your mouth is concurring with your brain at that moment. But you don’t know that they are worlds apart. And then you open your mouth and talk more shit.

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Don’t be surprised when she angrily brings out special Orile-Made Rat Poison and puts inside the remaining wine for you to drink and go and die. Are you surprised? Don’t be! Because some ladies carry such in their purse while going on dates so as to quickly end an irritating conversion. Who dialogue don epp? Obago!

 

Word to Mutha: So all ye good folks, we are done with our sermon. You just gotta avoid such topics like an Egyptian plague when you meet a prospective bae. I know sometimes the voice in your head might coerce you into saying some lame shit. So whatchu’ gon do? Just do your best and resist the Devil and you will be on course to having a lovely relationship with your new bae afterwards. Oya Dab!

Image via Youth Village

Responses

  1. Butterflymind
    ????????????

    “…told her when she smiled, her teeth looked like those of Freddy Krueger. I told her the weavon on her head looked so good it kinda reminded me of the hair on my Grandma’s while she laid in state. I said other shit from my shitty mouth…”

    No you didn’t ???? Niggah you cray of just stupid?! ???? She for slap you before the waka. Lol!

    the marriage talk.
    I tire o!! Girl hasn’t even finished reading the current page of your respective dating books and you’re already buying marriage manual. Ogini?! I personally cannot stand it when a guy starts planning the wedding and future family as if I’m just an image in the picture, not a living, breathing being. It’s a big turnoff. But of course, there’s still those that will say any serious minded man already knows ‘the one’ once he meets her. I hear o. But just because she’d your one doesn’t mean you’re her one yet. Softly Oga.

    6+
  2. OluOlu

    I guess the desire to impress is one of the reasons guys just start saying shitty stuff on dates. I realize that my dates go much better when I divert attention totally away from myself (without being evasive which can create the impression that there’s something I’m hiding). Many ladies like attention and getting her to talk about herself (not asking interview questions o) will serve you much better. Of course, there are those who get easily carried away when a guy brags, but bro, they are few and far between.
    2+
  3. LincayaD
    Hey Dr Barúu,

    Before we even start talking the first thing that i look at is your hair down to your shoes. The way you handle yourself, table manners. The minute you open your mouth and talk about your ex or your money i’m out the door becuase clearly you are not about me but yourself.

    great piece. i enjoyed it.

    2+
  4. ERM
    Test the lady’s IQ-EQ before you start showing yourself o. Otherwise you will receiving hot slaps after calling her smile Freddy-Kruger.

    Most ladies are insecure, especially on the first date (not being sexist but t’is true) and that will not go down well. You can start by dropping some jabs at popular conversation topics if you must throw jabs e.g. the trending convo starter – “I do not know what is wrong with Buhari self” or “when last did you buy tomatoes”. From her responses you can tell a lot about the kind of lady you are with.

    About the banging skills one…I steer clear away from that most of the time. I said most of the time because there was this ITK holy holy colleague’s younger sister who came to the office and was banging hot. Took 3 days to flirt with her only for her to travel back to school when the “P” was getting hot. She came back one year later and we started flirting again. One thing led to another and she started complaining about men and sex and all the pent up konji came to the surface I started to talk about my…erhm erhm…you get the drift. She kept quiet and then said, “are you bragging about your d..k?”. Omo I start to shame but with some bravado to save face I grabbed her and kissed her and the rest is history. So it depends. Sometimes it may work but most times it would not.

    0
    1. ERM
      To add to my first comment, just try not to throw jabs before you are sure she likes them. Ladies like to talk about themselves, so ask her about herself and her experiences (experiences does not mean work o).
      0
  5. Abi
    Loool. That’s such an asshole behaviour tho even though you didn’t intend to… Glad u now know better… You have given some very good valid advice

    i do not think it’s because women are “insecure” that they do not like to be insulted on dates. How will you feel if on a first date, a girl tells you your face doesn’t match your voice or that you are ugly etc.. These things are disrespectful and no one should be with someone who will put them down. From my experience boys really want to impress you on the first date and if he is already talking shit while “impressing” me. There is so much more garbage he will spit when he is comfortable in the relationship. To the left abeg! Lol

    10+
  6. yar'arewa
    What will we not hear on first dates…

    Last year on a first date, one idiot said I was too slim, didn’t like my natural hair, said I needed to take multivitamins and apples or was it melons(can’t remember) …….and he had a bloody pot belly (He was a doctor) I wonder how his patients cope.

    Surely and I spewed venom at him and that was the end…Although sometimes I wish I could send him to the guillotine..hehehehe

    3+
  7. Cavey
    Sir, will you teach me how to write now? E don tey wey I dey beg o!
    *chuckle*
    On the topic of first dates and what (not) to say, guys PLEASE focus on the lady in front of you. Truth is, talking to a she is probably even easier than boiling egg. When you’re done asking each other questions that have answers on your CV/Facebook page like age, state of origin, number of siblings, etc (these have direct answers and if you don’t know how to connect those questions to others that have her doing all the talking, you’d be back to struggling with what to say next), ask her questions ABOUT her, what makes her tick. You score extra points if you ask these by telling her a bit about yourself so she doesn’t feel she’s being interrogated and at the end of the date, she’s told you so much about her and she knows so little about you (not because you were being evasive) and she’s looking forward (she might even ask you herself) to a second date.
    My two kobo, but what do I know?
    2+
  8. Dickson
    Get her to laugh. Make a fool of yourself and be light hearted. For goodness sake; it’s a first date not a boardroom presentation.
    I try to be very jovial and light hearted. U don’t have to be bovi to make her laugh. Find humour in circumstances around you.
    When people laugh; they become at ease; and when they are at ease; opening up becomes very natural.
    Dr Ba’ruu nice piece once again.
    2+
    1. folarin
      perfect strategy, no stress, no hassle, it’s not a job interview that one needs to convince her nor is it an exam that one needs to score an A, just go with the flow
      0

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