In this tough economy of ours, boys are no longer smiling. All man dey vex… and many men eye dey red. There are little or no jobs at hand and the available ones are drying up like the crimson flow of a woman nearing menopause. The little cash you make, if your relatives don’t collect it through incessant begging, armed robbers or your pastors would do so.
In this tough era, boys are busy forging and reducing age anyhow. The ones with grey hairs are dyeing them to conceal old age. Furthermore, the decision to finally marry is also a tough one to make. There are many questions that race across one’s mind. Can I afford a decent wedding? Bride price nko? And who will come to my aid when it is time to buy pampers for the baby?
As for the ladies, there are no more excuses in this glorious year 2016. Spinster-hood is not your second name. Aunty Janet is not your surname either. I mean, which lady wouldn’t want Bobo to commit in this New Year? Only Nuns and Witches, of course!
#CommitOrCommot2016 should be the resolution of all those that entered the New Year Baeless (and really want that commitment). Don’t cry darling, shed no tears.
No condition is permanent, you hear. Aunty Janet, not every pussycat you see is winchi winchi o…not every bat flying around your compound was sent from the coven of wizards and evil doers. Nobody is playing with the mind of your Bobo. Don’t you think it might be possible that he isn’t ready yet?
Well, if he is not ready (and you are ready for commitment), then it is time to make him #CommitOrCommot in this year by fire and by force! All your fasting shall not be in vain, OK?
So without much further ado, we present to all thee wonderful ladies, six (6) exceptional ways to make the man of your dreams to #CommitOrCommot in 2016 and make you his #BaeNumeroUno. Read on and be blessed:
Put a ring to it: Yes o, instead of waiting endlessly for Bobo to buy that ring and propose, you should take the initiative and buy the ring yourself. If there is an engagement ring on your finger, then you don finish work for there. Any type of ring will do…any type at all. It mustn’t be diamond ring. Copper rings, metal rings…even finger rosary will do. Just put it on the exact finger and gradually flip it on Bobo’s face whenever the opportunity arises.
Very soon, he will get the signal and proceed on a deep soul search. Afterwards, he will use his church mind and propose quickly. Try it ladies…this ish works like magic! Shanowole!
Come up with other catchy innuendos: It is at this time that you will start using pictures and images relating to marriage on your DP. Start reading all those books by wives of powerful men of God about marriage. But make sure Bobo sees you reading such books o. Upload Facebook posts about starting a family. Use baby pictures on your Whatsapp Profile. Listen to audio records by prominent marriage counselors. Always tell him about the latest classmate that got married.
Marriage talk today, marriage talk tomorrow. When you are late to visit him and he asks you why you arrived late, tell him you had to attend an emergency marital programme organized by the Spinsters’ Forum in your church. Confam ni!
Hold an Engagement Party (to show Boo that you are not jokin’ at all): Yes o, it is not every time you will wait for him to do the proposal and engagement. My sister, if you keep waiting for him to take the initiative, you might wait for eternity and vex beyond redemption. Take the initiative and everything good will come. Just make sure that his friends, family members and church members are invited. Hol’ up…don’t tell them you are planning to propose to your Bobo because none of them will come if you tell them so. You can tell a lie to mask the real reason behind the invitation. At the venue, once everyone is seated and having drinks, quickly go down on one knee with the ring in your hand and ask him to marry you.
I bet you, the shame will not allow him to say ‘NO’. He will swiftly say ‘YES’, accept the ring and hurriedly commit! Try it and make sure you share the testimony, OK! Other young women have successfully organized such events and your case will not be different.
Enter Spiritual Level: Very important. If the above doesn’t work, then it is time to switch lanes to Spiritual Express. Partake in any of those dry fasting programmes and fire heaven at will. Remind the Lord of his promises to you in the scriptures. Sow seeds of faith at different branches of the church. Alternatively, Juju works too. Instead of sacrificing fowl and cockerel every time you go to visit Baba, upgrade to goat or ram. Additionally, add a bottle of Grants Whiskey instead of the normal Schnapp. Who told you Baba doesn’t like the good things of life? Don’t you know the ancestors like big-big sacrifices?
Lemme tell you now sef: the type of offering/gift you bring to the shrine is directly proportional to the speed at which your prayers will be answered. OK? So review your spiritual budget and watch as that headstrong Boo of yours will quickly ‘Commit’ instead of to ‘Commot’. Oya Dab!
Collect Belle ASAP (so he will fix a wedding date quickly): If all the other scopes no gree work, then my sister, collect belle sharp sharp. Mind you, collecting belle should be consensual o. Forceful impregnation will not be accepted at all because he will claim rape. So when next you are ovulating, hurriedly proceed to his territory. And don’t forget to go with a bottle of his favourite drink. You can even spice the drink with a little amount of Burantashi. No worry, if you don’t know where to get burantashi, I am here to help – No 19 Elegushi Street, Igwe Lane, Shop 39B, Dugbe Market. Yep, damn right, I just snitched… Go Get It Girl!
After a few minutes, commence the kissing and touching and rubbing of body. Soon, guy man rod will definitely stand at an attention. If he mistakenly reaches out for his rain coat, quickly slap it off his hand. Make sure his John Thomas is naked when he chooks the thing inside your canal. As he makes those owl-like sounds while he cums, smile gleefully at your conquest. Oshey, Asses to Asses… Bust to Bust. Case Closed. Pregnancy L’omo. Se o ti to?
Have a sit-down with him: If the above five methods fail to produce any meaningful results, then proceed to this one. You need to have a sit-down with him, because the stubbornness no be for here o. Haba, dem swear for am? After all these techniques, he is still forming strong man and ‘Kill-We Nwachukwu’. Wazzaldis! Abeg, force him to sit-down with you so that you people will discuss the matter.
Ask him questions?
You be transsexual? You no get prick? You swear oath for Baba Shola house at Idi Ape say you no go marry? Dem wash your head for Ayedire River?
You definitely need answers to these questions, so that you will know whether you should leave his sorry ass and seek another place to anchor. Chinko!
Word to Mutha: So my dear Sister, don’t worry. This year is your year. The year to rock that wedding gown you have been dreaming of wearing. The year to shame your haters by fire and by force. Can I get a loud AMEN? AMENNNNNN!!! Na so! Just abide by these fabulous tips and you are good to go. And don’t forget to invite TNC to your wedding on the D-day. No Mogbo Moya from us, we promise *side winks* Go’bless!
Image via The Love Doctor