You’ll be needing this valid piece of information every moment of your life, so long as you are live in Nigeria.
Wherever you find yourself, either in the banking hall or any establishment follow these steps, in order, and thank me later.
1. Walk into the place with an air of authority.
2. Make sure you have a newspaper in your hand or a half empty bottle of water (perhaps Eva water).
3. Pretend you just breezed in from one important corporate function. Act like you don’t have enough time to spare.
4. If you have car keys, keep flashing them repeatedly before everyone’s face and ring them like like a bell. Once Nigerians see car keys, you are a big man or woman to them, and you’ll be treated accordingly.
5. Maintain sophistication. Don’t understand? This is how you do it:
Walk to and fro with a straight face, feign dissatisfaction and irritation at every damn thing going on. Express said dissatisfaction.
Amplify your voice, let everyone notice your presence in the building.
6. Form ‘konk’ intellectual! Never – I repeat – NEVER form humble. Na you go board last. If you want to be attended to quickly, don’t go and sit down quietly in a corner. Make your presence known.
7. And, last but not least, claim ajebutter! Claim it even if you live in the heart of the ghetto or you are as broke as a mosque rat! Speak sensibly, throw in lots of grammar in between sips of bottled water. Act like your shit don’t stink. Nigerians are impressionable.
Before you know it, the management may abandon others who came before you. They’ll rally around you, asking questions like, “Madam, what can we do for you, ma?” or “Oga, we are sorry for the delay, sir.” or “Sir, what do you need, please?”
Then, you can relax, pat yourself on the back and whisper, “Mission accomplished”.