“Chai. Chineke m. Doc, abeg take am easy na. This thing dey pain me die”, he shouted.
“O boy, arrange ur leg make I stitch this thing. I don give u injection wey go reduce the pain, u still dey shout. Na me tell u make u go dey look that girl nyansh”, I shot back.
At the same time, I was laughing. He knew I was joking. I continued stitching and soon I was done.
“But bros, u dey try o. U dey on top motorcycle inside busy road. On top am, u still dey look woman nyansh. U no know say e dey risky”, I asked him.
“Doc, no be my fault. Na devil cause am! But if na you wey see this nyansh, I swear, you sef for look am join”. We laughed together at the joke and I walked away, as the nurse continued attending to him.
She got an ass that could swallow up a G-string!
Ur bumbum bigger than Bombay!
This nyansh dey scatter my head o…my head o…my head o!
Show me your ikebe baby make I enter!
Baby the thing about your body na your idi nla!
And it goes on and on and on. Lyrics to different songs playing on the radio. Everyone cannot be wrong at the same damn time. I mean, hey, come to think of it. If everyone sings about Ebola, then it means Ebola outbreak is definitely taking place. If everyone sings about NEPA taking light, then it means NEPA is really phucking up. Now when almost every Nigerian artiste sings about that mound of thick flesh on a woman’s backside, then you definitely know that it is the new craze. The New Obsession!
Much ado about big booty, nyansh, idi nla, otele, ikebe, azuka. Call it anything in any language. Even the French got a funny word for ass – derriere OR foufounes. Na so! I mean, wetin dey inside big nyansh wey dey make some men to give their lives for it? Kanye West just lost his career to Kim’s butt. Wiz knew what was about to happen to him and be bailed out on Amber ASAP!
These days, a big booty chic doesn’t even need to walk from office to office in search of a job. I mean there are a thousand up and coming artistes in Nigeria that are seeking for easy ways to break into the already saturated music industry. And one of the ways is to organize some scantily clad big booty chics to be shaking their asses. Just shake and shake and twerk and twerk the more and people will view your video. Afterwards, you sell a few records. All thanks to the boootttyyyy!!!
Oh, she’s so bootylicious! That’s the in-thing. “Oh, I am not fat. I am just a thick girl”, says the girl who’s BMI reads 34. No one wants to lose weight anymore. Just pack burgers, isi ewu, cow tail, shawarma…and be chopping. Just munch and munch and munch the more. As for this booty, you must come out by fire and by force.
So as usual from the stables of TNC, we present to you, the important things you need to know about big booties:
The Heaviness Is Real: Just as a young man will pray to the Almighty for an enormous rod after watching a porn flick, it is not an uncommon sight for females to wish for bigger derriere. And I blame this trend on no other factor than society’s glorification of idi nla. Big Backside is now synonymous with Beauty, even if the owner of the backside is a female incarnate of Ota Benga.
Jesus answer my prayers… You said there is nothing too hard for you to do. My faith is as small as a mustard seed so show yourself mighty in my life. Give me a big nyansh Lord! Make it bigger Abba Father!
Na wa o! All these heavy demon-killing prayers on top ordinary nyansh… Ordinary flesh and shit. My sister, before you say this prayer again and Angel Michael carries it up to the Almighty for processing and answering, try and understand that the heaviness is real. BIG. NYANSH. DEY. HEAVY. WELL. WELL. Repeat after me! Again! Big Nyansh Dey… Lol! Cat-walking is also a problem. So you should have a second thought about getting that booty job you plan to get and make do with what your mama gave you.
Fitting Into The Loo Is A Problem: You wake up very early in the morning to that early morning piss that normally attacks ladies at night. And you are in Bobo’s house, so you are not familiar with his bathroom. The piss hold you well well, you just put on the switch and rush into the loo. Then you remove Under G. And then you sit down. BANG! That is when shit hits the fan…yo! Yo’Ass is stuck in the loo. You can’t get it out. TRAGIC, that shit crayyy! Now what if you had a derriere as flat as my Grand Momma’s? I mean, you can sit your ass on any loo, anywhere, anytime, in any freaking place. You could even take a dump in the bush and not worry about those stubborn grasses sticking to your behind.
Victims Of Wolf-whistling: At Alaba, Balogun, Tejuosho (before the destruction), Ladipo, Mokola, Wuse, Ariaria, Ogbete, it is always the same problem everywhere. Ask those that are regular shoppers at shopping malls too. Some mischievous urchins will even run up to you, tapping current upandan while pretending to ask what you want to buy. Well, I got an advice for you if this happens. Tear that zuwo better slap and discharge sharparly! Ahn, Ahn…na your fault say you get idi nla?
The Bus, The Passengers and The Conductor: You are already late for work. The last time you came late, your MD threatened to sack you without issuing a query. And today, the lateness is about to repeat itself again. Then you land at the bus stop. Every bus that slows down suddenly accelerates and takes off. It happened the first time, then the second and then the third. You look at yourself to be sure there is no remnant of poop on your clothes. But that is not the real issue. Blame it on the backside, Baby Gyal! Even if one of them manages to stop for you, the other passengers will complain about the invasion of their own territory with your ikebe. And God will punish Devil when that imp of a conductor asks you to pay for two seats.
My Anaconda Don’t, My Anaconda Don’t: Let’s just say you are at a party, y’all are having a good time, feeling good and having fun. Y’all are dancing the night away. You are actually two stepping and giving Kaffy a run for her money. All of a sudden, the brothers and some lesbo sistas start making those owl-like and pigeon-like sounds…Awww, Oohoo, Ewww, Waoooh…and so on. And you think they are marveled at your shakitibobo and okamfo dance steps. C’mon Sistur…that’s not what they are looking at. Alright, guess what they are ogling at! Yeah, that’s right. Your guess is tha truth! It’s your booty, Baby!
Pant Size Too Badt: Very Important. Getting Victoria Secret sleek pant and lingerie na BIG wahala. Wearing small sized ones will cause MAJOR discomfort, as they will enter and lodge inside the ass crack. Occasional pulling out is what will follow. So the safest bet is to start wearing adult pampers. Or getting your tailor to take your measurement and sew pants of varying sizes and qualities for you.
Some Big Booty Gyals Secretly Wish They Had Smaller Derriere: This is the conclusion. O ti ya! Case Closed!
Word to Mutha: Ladies and Gentlemen, Moderators, Panel of Judges, Accurate Time Keepers, I hope I have been able to convince and not confuse you that big booty girls also face major issues. So to the young lady with a derriere as flat as hundred Naira slippers, take heart…OK? Don’t envy those your friends with big bakassi because with every blessing comes an associated whammy.
Abeg, if you have other things you will want us to know about Big Booty Ladies, feel free to contribute to the humor and love. Omini Knowest!
Image via 042Express