Plenty folks make marriage seem like a spring of life in the Bahamas. Well, scratch that. Okay? That shit crayyy. So below are few things no one tells you about getting married:
1. Marriage isn’t like love scenes in Indian films and Telemundo:
Not even close! In the movies, the partners sit on a couch, cuddling each other and feeding themselves oreos soaked in cow milk, riding horse together romantically, doing jangilova and such sturvs. Awww, Love Nwantiti! Warraluv! What could be more adorable!
But in real life, by the time the couple gets back from the endless holdup, they will even be lucky to get cabin biscuit and chin chin to play love inside Lagos heat.
2. You definitely change over time:
Marriage changes you and your partner. Other single folks might think you are now ‘doing guy’ for them and shunning them. Not at all! They won’t understand.
The truth is: you just got entangled with the intricacies of marriage that you barely have time for the stuff that gave you pleasure back then during your ‘singu’ era.
3. Sex (and kpanshing) is no longer the same
If you see that person that told you that you will turn to a ‘pornstar in bed’ after marriage, my sister…just swear for her at that canal near Idi Ape because na big lie be that.
Sex is no longer the same, especially when you guys start having babies. Maybe the konji has been piling up, so you decide to sneak one round inside bedroom. That is when the devil will start pinching your baby to start crying uncontrollably. Pheeww!
4. You become an expert in knowing the tastes of different food and dishes:
Yeah right. Ndi Nne Mama! Na so! From attending one owambe party to another naming ceremony, you definitely get to know the tastes of different dishes.
Because all the associations you will now join after getting married will involve cooking food at some point.
5. You eventually become like Nigerian mothers:
The same stuff that your mum used to do to you, will now be what you wee be doing to your children.
From shouting for them to collect remote control that is close to where you are to sending those WhatsApp messages on how to type AMEN, reality sets in.
6. The tying-wrapper-syndrome eventually sets in
Before getting married, most ladies swore that they won’t be caught tying wrapper over the bosom. Lmao. Scrgh! Scrgh!! My dear, no one plans to do so.
But research has shown (don’t ask me who conducted the survey) that it eventually happens. If it is not your mother-in-law that initiates you into the tying-wrapper cult, the members of umuada will do so.
7. Over time, looking sexy isn’t an option anymore:
As the marriage progresses, G-strings become uncomfortable. High heels and ‘akpola’ shoes worsen your arthritis. Attachment and weavon remind you of Willy-Willy and Karishika. Crop tops show your belly that has become rotund from endless amala and odeku stout.
So your new friends will now be BouBou, shimi, cupion lace, rainbow-coloured tight/leggings, granny pants and rubber slippers.
But at the end of the day, there is nothing as amazing as getting hitched with the love of your life. So let nothing deter you from taking that leap of faith. Because you shall not attend Shiloh this year as a spinster. Se oti to? So shout a loud AMEN, somebody! Na so!