People say this generation is always annoyed about something. I say, why not? They say we’re sensitive and I agree. I’m so emotionally ticklish all you have to do is call my name the wrong way for me spark. Leaked episodes, shady pastors; these are the things that are making me mad at the moment.
If, like me, you’re a poor Nigerian who is trying to delude himself into thinking he’s of the middle class, riding danfo to TBS and taking Uber to VI so you won’t enter a meeting with so much sweat, eating pizza at lunch and soaking garri with indomie at night, living the Lagos life on an Ibadan salary, you’ll understand why I’m already angry without the added effect of external forces aggravating me. But daily, objects of annoyance present themselves to me through humans who just can’t act right. Here are a few of the things that made me mad this week:
The presidential painting in London
Thanks to Asukwo, that great Nigerian cartoonist, I can hardly think of a certain president without imagining him gathering dust like a poorly kept museum exhibit. I’m not even angry at this anymore. Some Nigerians got mad that Fareed Zakaria used the man as a pop quiz on his show, and even I, visibly lacking in a decent sense of humour, couldn’t help but wonder who snatched their bread.
By now, the only thing annoying about this is the people who go and visit the painting and take selfies with him. I mean, after the fruit-eating exhibit, we kinda confirmed the man isn’t in a state of coma. Maybe he can’t talk, but at least he can crack a smile. They can stop with the aggressive PR now. We also know that he, like all other cultural artifacts marooned in Britain, probably isn’t returning to the motherland. I’m sure no one is protesting this stale development.
The London Solo pic.twitter.com/YBZ5iXIIqU
— Mike Asukwo (@Asukwoeb) July 27, 2017
Pastor Suleiman freeing two rapists
There’s a story in the bible of Jesus entering the synagogue, opening a scroll and reading from Isaiah about how his mission is to set the captives free. We all know the kind of captives Jesus is talking about here: people tormented by witches from their villages who have tied their destinies to a tree, those with physical ailments who are in need of healing, even widows tormented by family members who will not see them succeed in life. But apparently, Apostle Suleiman had another interpretation of that wonderful passage.
The past month has been filled with news of sexual assault cases. Some have argued we now have a rape epidemic in our hands. Enter the flamboyant apostle who recently had his anointing questioned by people who said he was showing women another level of grace. Now, he has taken that grace and extended it to criminals accused of raping a girl. Criminals who were said to have threatened the mother of the victim.
Of course there’s a chance none of this was illegal, considering how the Apostle was said to be paying a fine on behalf of the offenders. And this is where the lunacy of this situation escalates. A country where a ‘man of god’ is ready to take sides with those who committed a crime over its victims, and only seems aware of the existence of a victim when a news report about it makes the news is one that is completely crazy and needs to be accurately labelled as a threat to all good people of this world.
The arrest of homosexual men in Lagos
When I got to the bus-stop on the way home sometime this past week, about to board a keke, I realised the price had been increased by 100 percent, and the drivers still looked angry at their good fortune. I looked at their entitled faces and wanted to shun them and walk in protest. But it was drizzling, threatening a storm, and I’m Nigerian—activism is not my hustle. So, I entered, face strong too, and the journey began.
We got to a part of the road, and, my god, I understood why those keke riders were looking like someone had just farted in their faces. The pot holes were so many and so bad that I wonder what manner of rest they—the riders—get at the end of the day. The kind of pain that road will cause is not such that can be corrected with panadol extra.
In all of these, you know what I did not ask: why did these gay people anger god and made our roads bad? You know the kind of questions I asked: what kind of useless government do we have that isn’t able to fix roads. Why are people still routinely sexually harassed in Lagos when we have policemen everywhere—I saw two sets on that route home collecting their daily tax, as is their custom. In a country where rapists are being freed to go and sin no more by a pastor, why can’t a group of men receive education about how to stay safe and free of HIV without the threat of harassment?
The leaked Game of Thrones episode
I’m not going to be judgmental about episodes appearing online. I mean, how many Nigerians watch Game of Thrones legally in the first place? What I don’t appreciate is people acting like they just won the lottery because some Indians couldn’t keep an episode safe. I can stomach spoilers after the episodes have aired, but folks threatening others with details of a stolen episode like this is some small victory is just plain silly.
Watch the thing, enjoy it in your room with your kleptomaniac friends. Don’t torture us with noise about what you’ve seen like it’s the greatest pleasure in the world. Are you sad? Do you need more happiness and pleasure in life? Go play with a lollipop or ride a merry go round. Don’t stake a place on the internet, scaring people with details that won’t matter after Sunday like you were robbed of playing hide and seek when you were young.
What are you mad about today?