Are You a Fuckboy: TNC Presents The Unofficial Fuckboy Manual

Do you seize every possible opportunity to ridicule and demean women? Do you believe in the grand art of time-wasting? Do you have a champagne appetite with a Fanyogo budget? Do you periodically rent accents from all four corners of the globe? Do you frequently begin your sentences with phrases such as “Bitches be like…”?…

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Do you seize every possible opportunity to ridicule and demean women? Do you believe in the grand art of time-wasting? Do you have a champagne appetite with a Fanyogo budget? Do you periodically rent accents from all four corners of the globe? Do you frequently begin your sentences with phrases such as “Bitches be like…”? Is your sexual prowess more frequently demonstrated in your tweets than in your bed?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, congratulations! You, my friend, are a fuckboy.

However, the journey doesn’t end here. Oh, no. Grand titles aren’t simply conferred on just anybody. You have to earn this.

Enter The Fuckboy Manual.

This is a complex document containing an exhaustive list of the various traits, beliefs and behaviours necessary to attain full fuckboy status. Chapters include:

  • Swagger Like Us: Balling on a Budget
  • A$$: A Woman’s Worth
  • Bitch Better Have My Money: Successfully Securing Sponsorship
  • Jesus Walks: Hunting in the House of the Lord
  • Clique: Building Your Squad
  • IDFWU: Cutting a Bitch Down to Size
  • 99 Problems: A Guide to Female Body Count
  • And many more!

These texts must be studied thoroughly and digested in order to be inducted into the Grand Order of Fuckboys. Once understood and accepted, the prospective fuckboy must prepare to fully embody the tenets mentioned in his daily life. For instance, instructions in the IDFWU chapter, which offers a detailed framework for correcting errant women who forget their place, include:

  • Highlight marital status and use her lack of a husband as an insult. This could be adopted in form of imperatives or rhetorical questions, e.g. “Find a husband”, “Go and marry”, “How will you find a husband?” or “Who will marry this one?”.
  • Attack her physique. Any references to darkness of complexion, resemblance to primates or masculine appearance is particularly effective. Combining two or more of these tactics is ideal, e.g. “black monkey”. Comparisons to other animals are also welcome, e.g. horses, pigs etc.
  • Reduce her to her sexuality, particularly sexual organs. This is linked to the above, as the aim is to stress that she is only good for one thing – her ability to please and be appealing to men – and then emphasise that she is failing at this. Any reference to her being sexually frustrated or how unlikely it is that any man will want to touch her will suffice.

These and many more are explicitly covered in The Fuckboy Manual. Following full perusal and acceptance of this, you are now ready to take The Fuckboy Oath:

“I *insert full name* in the full acknowledgement that I ain’t shit, do solemnly swear to be full of shit until the shit hits the fan. May my Twitter fingers be trigger happy, may my Instagram captions be endless, may bitches never catch me slippin’. So help me Kanye.”

Well done. You are now a full-fledged fuckboy.

However, as TNC is a community, we seek to learn as much as possible from one another, so do not take this expository piece as a comprehensive guide. Feel free to crowdsource further instructions from people who will kindly share their thoughts on the path to true fuckboyhood, and how to grow daily in this great art.

Over to you, guys. Help your brethren.

Image via: Gawker Media

Responses

  1. A Loco Viva Voce
    I’ve always hated when guys intentionally demean women and frankly, 9 out of 10 times when that happens, they secretly fancy the girl but rather than approach them, they use washing them down as a tactic to reduce their self esteem and confidence level so the girls resolve to settling for the likes of them. So pathetic!
    I don’t mean to castigate but if you’re a fuck boy, f***you! 🙂

    Read today’s post as I disect Dabota’s recent file for divorce from husband
    ..AND IT IS OVER FOR MR & MRS DABOTA LAWSON-AKU
    http://alocovivavoce.com/2016/02/03/and-it-is-over-for-mr-mrs-dabota-lawson-aku/

    1. Funmi O
      No no, my sister. The aim of this post is to shed more light on the fuckboy experience, not promote further slander. Let’s open our hearts and try a little empathy.

      😀

      1. Msray
        He must be skilled at throwing the ‘ I told you so’ card By giving a brief history if his past relationship and how he is taking things slow.
        This will give him free access via emotional attachment and relativity of ex’s
  2. Cavey
    ???
    Funmi ooo!!!! (No pun intended)
    Where do you get these posts from!!!!

    Under ‘And many more…’
    A Fuck Boy is NOT a play boy; He is a wannabe player. A FB lacks both the emotional and intellectual intelligence of a PB. He can’t invest himself enough to successfully ‘reel in the fish’ (probably why he thinks his shitty lines and borrowed accents would suffice) and isn’t mature enough to let his catch go after toying with it. He blames the water, the boat, the reel and even the fish for his incompetence and fails to recognise the truth: Oga?you?don’t?have?game!
    Stop demeaning women to make yourself more ‘macho’. That screams insecurity and self esteem issues!

    SN: if you’re having a bad day, this might help:

    inhisthoughts.wordpress.com/instructions-for-a-bad-day

    1. Bem Bem
      “A Fuck Boy is NOT a play boy; He is a wannabe player” lmao!!! So uhm Cavey, play boys have got emotional and intellectual intelligence? You’re making being one sound so cool ?.. Well I guess its the lesser of two evils, if am to choose btwn the two, I’ll be PB all the way..
      1. Cavey
        Lol. Not a ‘lesser’ evil…just a more ‘acceptable’ one.

        Well, a player is only a player when he ‘plays’ with the emotions of more than one (fe)male and to do that, they must like or trust you. Getting a woman to do either of those two needs intelligence so yes, i believe PBs are intelligent. Plus juggling people takes careful planning!

        1. Bem Bem
          Lol, well I guess so, you must be intelligent and a sharp guy to pull that off without getting caught.. Aii So when you say “acceptable”, kinda looks like you would be OK dating a PB?? So you would be OK with an intelligent guy like this??
          1. Miz
            “Kinda looks like you would be OK dating a PB?? So you would be OK with an intelligent guy like this??”…..

            ……Cavey is a guy, so I’m kinda curious what kind of guy he would be OK dating! 🙂

    2. Funmi O
      Interesting angle here… If a fuckboy is a wannabe playboy, can one rise through the ranks? In this career, is there room for progression? A post called “The Evolution of a Fuckboy” might be in order. You might want to consider writing it.
  3. Ray
    Loool Funmi, the GbemiOO voltron….. ????.
    This piece is so obvious. Why focus on the fuckboy’s nasty demeanor towards women, though? I wish you had talked about how fuckboys also have a habit of having diarrheic mouths, claiming they have slept with all the girls(even those wayyyyy above their leagues), telling on their boys, emptying the most bottles but never paying their share when they hang out with their boys, not having the discretion to lay their eyes off their boys’ Chics etc.
    1. Funmi O
      I appreciate that the article could cover more ground, but like I said, the manual has multiple chapters. We could have delved into the financial constraints fuckboys face if we focused on the chapter about seeking and securing sponsorship, for you example.

      I will say though that my friends and I tend to define fuckboys based on their treatment of women. A guy who can’t buy shit would be a brokeass or a leech, for instance. So the specific term fuckboy is usually about women (for us) which is why I wrote it mainly from that perspective.

      Still, we are all here to learn so please share more about the various incarnations of the fuckboy.

    1. Funmi O
      This piece is entirely fictional. All resemblance to real life events is purely coincidental.

      We await further details of these fuckboy attributes.

  4. Snow
    Like Ray says, “Why focus on the fuckboy’s nasty demeanor towards women, though?”

    This is 2016, fuckboys come in many manifestations and variations, with Snitches being the worst of all.

    Yes, a lady can be a fuckboy or fuckgirl also.

    Being a fuckboy transcends gender, skin colour or tribe, any one can be a fuckboy, it is a topic as diverse as racism. Hell, i believe it is even worse.

    But wait, is this post somewhat related the Olumofin saga?

    1. Funmi O
      Like I said before, my friends and I tend to define fuckboys based on their treatment of women. We have other terms for other traits. So I disagree with the idea that this particular term transcends gender. Like I also said elsewhere though, I’m working on a similar guide for SnapChicks and InstaBitches. Will let the TNC fam know when it’s ready.
  5. KikioTolu
    Those who took the oath won’t admit it, over 100 niggas took that solemn vow…and some girls also edited it to their own version of “fuckgirls”.
    Don’t ask me how I know all this….am a monk and I can read your mind. ALL YOUR MINDS

    I have to share this story….it is a mix of romance and psycho activity….

    ADAMS DIARY STEVE UNLEASHED

    Enjoy and share

    1. Funmi O
      I believe it’s an oath to be proud of due to the commitment it takes to follow these principles daily. So let’s encourage our brothers to come out of the fuckboy closet. Like I said before, I haven’t fully articulated my thoughts on their female equivalent but watch this space.
  6. Tee boy
    Fuck boy…play boy…..gigolo…..All usually want the same thing (to nack) but they all got different strategies and approach to get the mission accomplished.
    1. Cavey
      Not necessarily.
      Sometimes, the playboy just loves the thrill of living on the edge…always having to be careful and not slip up. It’s not always about the secks, sometimes it’s all about the challenge.
  7. Funmi O
    I’m seeing a lot of comments about the need to shed light on the female equivalent of fuckboys and also to widen the criteria used to identify fuckboys as such so please share your experiences and opinions for the eager boys and girls waiting to learn.
      1. Funmi O
        LOL I don’t know to answer that question o. I’m not sure much thinking takes place, to be honest. I’m quite unserious.

        But “real deal” though? Tenz so mush.

  8. teminiran
    Ok the oath? I flatlined fam. That killed me. Secondly, this chapter- (Jesus Walks: Hunting in the House of the Lord) is one that I’m VERY interested in reading and more importantly sharing with a few friends. Know what, I’ll just share this post on twitter because a LOT of people can benefit from this.
    1. Funmi O
      Mastery of that chapter is a great indicator of true fuckboy status. When Bible verses become bars and lines begin with “God told me…” or “I prayed about it and…”, you know you’re on to a winner. Please note that Bible verses used never include ones against fornication and adultery. At that point, the switch to “We’re all sinners” tends to crop up.
  9. Cavey
    Can you blame them? There’s a wealth of lines in the scriptures!

    “You are altogether beautiful my darling. There is no flaw in you” – Songs of Solomom 4:7

    “You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes; you have stolen it with one jewel of your necklace.
    How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride. How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice” -SOS 4:9-10

  10. Chinedov
    “Do you periodically rent accents from all four corners of the globe?”

    Let’s take that as your 2 cents in the B.O.B v Neil deGrasse Tyson v Others debate.

    Lovely post.

    You should expand it further to capture the very limited (if not shoestring) budget these fuckboys operate on and its effects on their continued membership of this sect.

  11. Orteri
    Stealthily Fums comes through with another insightful one. You truly have an intelligent mind.

    Lol. Cavey…with all these verses, it would seem you speak from experience and should guest write the chapter on ‘Jesus Walks’ with Fums.

  12. zelda
    in conclusion, a fuckboy is a typical ‘abuja boy’ they are many in my estate…infact they are everywhere…funny thing is women cant get enough of them.

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