Do you seize every possible opportunity to ridicule and demean women? Do you believe in the grand art of time-wasting? Do you have a champagne appetite with a Fanyogo budget? Do you periodically rent accents from all four corners of the globe? Do you frequently begin your sentences with phrases such as “Bitches be like…”? Is your sexual prowess more frequently demonstrated in your tweets than in your bed?
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, congratulations! You, my friend, are a fuckboy.
However, the journey doesn’t end here. Oh, no. Grand titles aren’t simply conferred on just anybody. You have to earn this.
Enter The Fuckboy Manual.
This is a complex document containing an exhaustive list of the various traits, beliefs and behaviours necessary to attain full fuckboy status. Chapters include:
- Swagger Like Us: Balling on a Budget
- A$$: A Woman’s Worth
- Bitch Better Have My Money: Successfully Securing Sponsorship
- Jesus Walks: Hunting in the House of the Lord
- Clique: Building Your Squad
- IDFWU: Cutting a Bitch Down to Size
- 99 Problems: A Guide to Female Body Count
- And many more!
These texts must be studied thoroughly and digested in order to be inducted into the Grand Order of Fuckboys. Once understood and accepted, the prospective fuckboy must prepare to fully embody the tenets mentioned in his daily life. For instance, instructions in the IDFWU chapter, which offers a detailed framework for correcting errant women who forget their place, include:
- Highlight marital status and use her lack of a husband as an insult. This could be adopted in form of imperatives or rhetorical questions, e.g. “Find a husband”, “Go and marry”, “How will you find a husband?” or “Who will marry this one?”.
- Attack her physique. Any references to darkness of complexion, resemblance to primates or masculine appearance is particularly effective. Combining two or more of these tactics is ideal, e.g. “black monkey”. Comparisons to other animals are also welcome, e.g. horses, pigs etc.
- Reduce her to her sexuality, particularly sexual organs. This is linked to the above, as the aim is to stress that she is only good for one thing – her ability to please and be appealing to men – and then emphasise that she is failing at this. Any reference to her being sexually frustrated or how unlikely it is that any man will want to touch her will suffice.
These and many more are explicitly covered in The Fuckboy Manual. Following full perusal and acceptance of this, you are now ready to take The Fuckboy Oath:
“I *insert full name* in the full acknowledgement that I ain’t shit, do solemnly swear to be full of shit until the shit hits the fan. May my Twitter fingers be trigger happy, may my Instagram captions be endless, may bitches never catch me slippin’. So help me Kanye.”
Well done. You are now a full-fledged fuckboy.
However, as TNC is a community, we seek to learn as much as possible from one another, so do not take this expository piece as a comprehensive guide. Feel free to crowdsource further instructions from people who will kindly share their thoughts on the path to true fuckboyhood, and how to grow daily in this great art.
Over to you, guys. Help your brethren.
Image via: Gawker Media