I met *Kane at a conference in Port Harcourt two years ago and we hit it off immediately. He was one of the speakers at the event and I was impressed with how he infused Christian perspectives to youth political engagement. I sought him out during the meet and greet and complimented him on an excellent presentation. We exchanged contacts and that was the beginning of our friendship. He was a Christian Youth Leader in the headquarters of his church and in his words, ‘a crazy Jesus lover who couldn’t imagine a life without Jesus’. I was impressed really. It wasn’t every day one met extremely good looking young men who weren’t ashamed to profess Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
A few months into our friendship, Kane wanted us to begin dating. I didn’t think it was a bad idea. He was an enterprising, cute and intelligent young man who loved the Lord. Some feminine part of me was already ‘husband-zoning’ him. I totally saw him fitting that role perfectly. I am however not the sort of person who gets involved in dating relationships without finding out where the other person stood on critical issues, particularly that of sex. So I asked Kane, ‘where do you stand on premarital sex?’
You see, I almost didn’t ask this question. In fact, a part of me felt I was disrespecting Kane and his faith in God by asking him where he stood on pre-marital sex. I mean, he was a Christian Youth Leader who was in love with Jesus. Of course, his stand would be the stand of his Lover and Christ, I said to myself.
I shouldn’t have been too quick and too sure.
Kane’s views on pre-marital sex bore no resemblance to those of the Lover of his Soul, Jesus. Kane believed that if two people loved themselves, he saw no reason they couldn’t express that love physically. When I reminded him of what the scriptures said about sex and sexual immorality, Kane said:
‘Look, I believe the Bible too. I love the Lord. But sex is a very important issue in marriage. I believe people should know whether they are sexually compatible before they get married. How do you know the man isn’t impotent? How do you even know the girl has a vagina? I’m not willing to risk it. Before I marry any girl, we have to make love. I don’t think that is wrong. Sex is very important o. In fact, any man or woman who agrees to no sex before marriage is having sex outside. Don’t be deceived my dear’.
Atrocious comments from a Jesus lover right? But his views have become very common in Christendom today. There is a word for this kind of belief. It is called sexual atheism.
A sexual atheist is a Christian who believes God has no say when it comes to issues of his/her sexuality. Just like atheists believe there is no God, sexual atheists believe God shouldn’t decide how they behave, morally speaking, with regards to their own sexuality. What sexual atheists say really is:
‘I love you Lord, but you see, with regards to this issue of pre-marital sex, you are wrong there. Body no be firewood. You cannot put all these emotions in us and expect us to chill till we are married. How can we chill? How can we just marry someone without testing? I love you o Lord, but I don’t trust you enough not to shortchange me in this sex department. What if I end up with a partner who doesn’t know their way around the bedroom or one who just lies on the bed like a sack of wood? What if I end up with a man who is impotent or a woman who has no vagina? Lord, you know these things happen na. Shebi, you know everything. How do I cope with someone I am not sexually compatible with? And how will I know if we are sexually compatible without testing? Who buys a car without taking it for a test drive? I don’t want to be unfaithful to my spouse. So I am going to do this my way. With regards to my sexual behavior, I am taking you out of the equation and I am going to engage in sex outside of marriage. I have to be sure of what I am getting myself into Lord’.
I have engaged some young Christians on this issue and more than 95% believe that saving sex for marriage only is religious stupidity. To them, it is absolute bunkum. In fact, more than half of this 95% outrightly said they don’t want to marry virgins. What would they do with virgins?
An online Christian magazine, chrismamag.com quoted a recent study conducted by christianmingle.com. In the study, Christian singles between 18-59 years were asked if they would have sex before marriage. An overwhelming 63% of the single Christian respondents indicated yes.
This is nothing but perfect oxymoron.
One the one hand we have Christians, like Brother Kane, who believe that God is a loving, wise and sovereign God who deserves all of our worship. Simultaneously, they also believe that God cannot, should not, will not and must not dictate how they live their lives sexually.
This has me thinking, why do we practice selective belief? Why do we say we love God but we choose parts of His word to believe? Isn’t this some kind of disconnection between what we say we believe and what we actually practice? Why do we go as far as behaving like the devil in the Garden of Eden when it comes to the issue of sex before marriage? We ask questions like, ‘Did God really say that?’ ‘Did He really mean it quite like that?’ ‘God must not mean total abstinence from sex before marriage because that is just impossible. I’m sure He agrees that we can do other things without necessarily going all the way’.
Why do we believe that after trusting and obeying God, He will shortchange us in the sex department? Where did this total distrust and faithlessness come from? What is it about sex that has Christians brazenly and unashamedly trashing God’s word and making it of no consequence? What is the big deal about sex that has Christians boldly shaming virgins? Is sexual purity really unattainable and impossible?
Sexual atheism has permeated Christendom. At some point, I think we have to make the decision to be the generation to put a stop to it through the help of the Holy Spirit. We christians cannot sit on the fence on this one. We must choose for ourselves this day whose we are and whose words we believe. Because trust me, this oxymoronic and hypocritical stance we have on pre-marital sex isn’t helping.
Christians must understand that how we live our lives both as single and married people says a lot about what we really believe. My question for you today is, ‘are you a sexual atheist?’ Where do you stand on pre-marital sex? Do you support Brother Kane’s position on the issue? I sure would love to read your thoughts.
*Names have been changed in this article for privacy purposes.