Is It So Bad To Try The Merchandise Before You Buy?

As a young practicing Christian, who is by no means devoid of other sins, the one sin that has been a cause of constant worry for me is pre-marital sex. In reality, I could wake up one morning and give up drinking, give up the occasional puff of ‘loud’, love my neighbor, avoid lying and…

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As a young practicing Christian, who is by no means devoid of other sins, the one sin that has been a cause of constant worry for me is pre-marital sex.

In reality, I could wake up one morning and give up drinking, give up the occasional puff of ‘loud’, love my neighbor, avoid lying and the rest. But celibacy? That’s another story.

I am an individual who lives her life in full consciousness of the fact that life is temporary. Death is inevitable. And Heaven and Hell are very much real. A lot of the pleasures that we currently seek are temporary.

I understand the fact that chasing an eternal crown of glory is a much better way to spend one’s time than chasing five minutes of pleasure with an individual you most likely are not going to settle down with.

A part of me always worries that if something happened to me and I lost my life, I would arrive at the gate of Heaven and Angel Gabriel would read out all my good deeds and the 1001 reasons my Father in heaven is pleased with me, only to follow the list with a massive “BUT”.

“Remember last week, when you were bent over the table, in X’s office?”

“Remember one month ago, when you were canoodling with that your ex boyfriend, in that expensive hotel in Abuja?”

Then I would be banished to the eternal flames of Hell for eternity, simply because I couldn’t keep my legs closed.

The Bible is clear on premarital sex. There is no “but”. No exception to the rule.

You are only better off health wise & reputation wise, if you only indulge in sex within a relationship. However, at the end of the day, whether it’s a one-night stand or a night with your boyfriend, you are still committing a sin if you are not married. But we live in a time when, even those who aren’t promiscuous are sharing their bodies with their boyfriends and girlfriends. A committed relationship automatically comes with a side of hot steamy afternoon debauchery with said committed partner.

With all this in mind, I want you to judge whether my friend would have been better off saving herself for marriage and marrying this guy or trying out the merchandise before marriage. I mean, it is not a toy, it’s not like you can return it. This is a true-life story.

Funlola is 26. She is single and searching, somehow born-again (lol), has a great job and a crowded CV. She is dark-skinned, bold, brash and very beautiful. The dating streets had not been kind to Lola, as we fondly called her. Like the rest of us, she had focused on school and her career and somehow convinced herself that by 25, a husband would magically appear and walk her down the aisle.

Well, guess what? 26 was well and truly here, and there was still no sign of the much sought after husband. What everybody fails to tell you is that, the closer you inch to 30, the more you realize that you’re competing with leggy, thinner 23-year-olds, who are still fun, care-free and don not come with a side of “Where is this relationship headed?” or “You know my biological clock is ticking!”. You’re competing, and losing woefully.

I know you are about to say marriage isn’t everything, but when you have everything you could ever want at a particular stage in life, you start to crave the things you don’t have, like marriage and, more importantly, companionship.

Maybe God had finally gotten tired of her whining, but on that fateful Sunday afternoon, just as she danced to the altar to deposit her tithe, their eyes met. Ore. What better place to meet the man of your dreams, than in the house of God. She had no doubt at the back of her mind, that God had orchestrated this meeting. Ore was perfect on paper. God-fearing, patient, hard working, from a decent family. And yes, he was fine. More importantly, he wasn’t sexually pushy.

Five months into their relationship, the most they had done was a less-than-steamy make out session which he cut short before it had a chance to blossom into anything else. Initially, it felt like she was back in her second year of university. Since she became sexually active, she had never dated a guy without going all the way.

She did worry that perhaps he wasn’t that into her. Normally, she was used to the guy initiating sex, and then having to play the role of holding him back. This time, nothing. As her friends however, we felt she had absolutely nothing to worry about. He was perfect; he showed no signs of wandering. Perhaps it was for religious reasons he wasn’t that sexual. One of my girls sympathetically offered that he was probably saving it for marriage. So she soldiered on, on her involuntary journey towards celibacy.

By the sixth month, still nothing. After a dinner date, that somehow rounded off with one too many cocktails, she decided to make her move. When they got into his car, she pounced. And to her utter surprise, he responded. 20 minutes of intense making out, and no hard-on. Then suddenly he stopped and mumbled something about rushing home to tidy up some things. Again, things ended. Yet again, she went home unsatisfied and feeling unattractive. She wasn’t Beyoncé or anything, but this was a first for her. It never even required a full-blown make out session, to get the sails up. Maybe he wasn’t that into her after all.

That weekend she decided to try again. And this time, he stopped her, sat up, held both hands and came clean. It turned out the sails just couldn’t go up. It had absolutely nothing to do with her. He had seen a doctor and spent a lot of money, all to no avail. He promised her the world. Promised to love & cherish her all the days of his life. He promised to give her everything but sex and, inevitably, children. She said nothing but she knew it was over.

In another six months or so, she could have been marrying this guy thinking she was getting the perfect, sexually pure man of her dreams and shaming the devil. She would have made this major discovery on her wedding night, after she had signed the dotted lines in front of God and family. What would she have done then?

Lola’s story really shook my initial beliefs about premarital sex. What is your take? Would she have been better of marrying him, without any attempts to have sex only to later find him to be sterile? Or was she better off trying the merchandise before marriage, and then finding out that something was wrong before making a life-long commitment?

Responses

  1. Everest
    Wow!!! This is really hard to answer, if you are a true believer in either of the two main religion we have in Nigeria. Premarital sex is wrong!! Even in our tradition it is not allowed.
    However, professionally Lola could have found out with what is generally called a “fertility test” but that will be awkward right? Asking your bf to do a test meant for intending couples. Personally the best way to find out is to grab the bull by the horn literally. At the end just do what your conscience is okay with.
  2. Neil
    Ideally, your friend’s fiance should have come clean about his infertility. But you can’t trust people to be honest about even important things these days, so yes, totally fertility test. Many churches insist on running a bunch of tests before marriage cos you can’t trust what people say.
    1. Bkd
      Why would a church want to do such tests on a God ordained union. I’m sure they already sought God’s face for their partners. Besides, what happened to faithing it and praying everything into correcting itself?… just asking
  3. Chukulee
    Nice write-up. Pre marital sex is a sin even though a lot of people engage in it. I know that there’s nothing God cannot do. I will hate to imagine that your friend lost a good man and failed faiths test because love had nothing to do with her relationship with the guy or her with God. May God help us really believe that he wants the best for us.
      1. Chukulee
        I’ll like to imagine that I stay because of love, wait for the miracle. Adopt some kids, busy the bedroom with toys, until I lose hope and start sleeping with ….
  4. Aremu John
    Yeah, what a beautiful piece! But you see my dear the word of God is true and have no controversy. The word is absolutely clear and explicit about God’s demand on our lives as individual and member of his family. The thing is we don’t question his thoughts because he has the best for us. Now down to your question would she have known? Yes she should have, because when we really belong to him, he leads and guides us into his perfect will and purpose for our lives but the issue is most of us don’t know how to hear from him or probably have not learnt how to recognize his voice, we jump into conclusions become deaf to his voice reaching out to us. Most times we allow present pressing needs to cloud our sense of judgement and leave out critical pointers that could instruct.Therefore we are led astray into our errors because of lust, so if you seek him he’s right there beside you to lead and guide and remember there is no short cut to it. Wait patiently and listen carefully he will lead as he’s done for others.
  5. Reny
    Me i don’t know any churches that make you do fertility tests, so dont bank on that. It’s HIV and pregnancy tests and maybe some additional STI tests. Marrying doesnt come with full disclosure no matter how hard u try to form sherlock holmes before the wedding. What about other issues like diabetes, genetic diseases etc. Sometimes the people involved dont know they have issues eg. a virgin gal with PCOS or a man with an infection like mumps that affected his gonads as a child so who testing merchandise help. FYI having an erection does not a man make fertile and d dude that could not have one in your story may not be 100% ruled out as infertile, although he might need surgical means to draw out any viable sperm out of him. So if they love each oda like that maybe they can do deir research. Ps. I know gals that don’t want kids ooo, can’t TNC do matchmaking?
    If u have premarital sex that’s ur choice, hope u do so safely, but abeg dont come and justify it with testing the merchandise, e no follow. How many people testing epp? All the experienced testers i know have seen what they liked most abt a,b and c but because mr/mrs right did not come with full package so Some have continued merchandise testing after marriage. Like the author, I also know the drill as a xtian but i eventually married my bobo so im suspecting Angel Gabriel might reconsider removing the BUT when he reads out my good deeds list (lol-u got me there). Nice write up!
  6. Sparks & Tingles
    I am an advocate of testing, test at different times of the day, test on different days of the month, test all through the year. This thing doesn’t come with a warranty, so, testttttttttttttttt it.

    If you have ever been with a hot-but-frigid lady, or someone who kisses with her mouth forming an “o”, or someone who pushes you off after 2 thrusts, or someone who feels any posture that isn’t missionary is filthy, or someone who snaps, packs her stuffs and leaves in the middle of a make-out session, you would understand the need to test-it™. Irreconcilable differences as it comes up in divorce courts could be an euphemism for sexual incompatibility.

    Remain blessed as you test-it™ Brethren.

  7. Fille
    I adore God a lot and I try to obey all his commands, but premarital-sex won’t allow someone to be great. Really I try to practice loving my neighbors and loving God but where I keep failing is sexual immorality.

    C

  8. Fille
    I adore God a lot, I enjoy reading the Bible and I try to obey all his commands, but premarital-sex won’t allow someone be great 🙄Really I try to practice loving my neighbors and loving God but where I keep failing is sexual immorality.

    Concerning testing before marriage, I believe if you are going to trust God about pairing you with your spouse, then you should trust that He will give you the best person for you. I mean God’s plan for your life is definitely more than a big dick or a stallion-performance. What if you marry Mr. Stallion then a month into the marriage, he develops a terminal illness.

    So my point is, as a Christian, trust God’s plan for your life because He says his thoughts towards you are good and he won’t test you more than you can handle.

    1. thetoolsman
      I get the trusting God part but people say this like it’s actually easy. And we all know it’s not because this is a world where bad things happen to really good God fearing people and we just have no explanation for it. Not justifying the other side of this but I just think it’s important that we also highlight the fact that the alternative isn’t an easy decision.
  9. G B
    Lord have mercy on me for all my failings, but if the alternative is marrying a woman who won’t do anything but missionary, believes oral sex is sinful and a whole host of other issues, I’m testing the hell outta that shit!
    It’s easier for women to tell when it comes these things (it’s hard for us guys to hide an erection when making out), but how’s a guy supposed to know his penis is too big for her comfort (or too small)? Am I supposed to spend the next six decades practically raping her (or just-the-tip-ing my wife so as not to rupture her)?
    That aside, I think I’ve been erections since I was 11 and been wanting to have sex since 15 when I found out what sex is. What am I supposed to do at 28? Keep wanking? But masturbating is a sin, too, isn’t it?
    1. Bkd
      Just a heads up … Expect insults, abuses and personal attacka and condescension from Ufuome. That’s how she rolls. She’ll curse you out if you don’t agree with her. Been there
  10. Victoria
    Nice article. If you are really a Christian then you’re supposed to trust God in every area of your life including your sex life after marriage. This testing the merchandise business comes as a result of people being too shallow and not knowing what true commitment really is. No matter how much you test you can never know anyone fully before marriage, some secret things are still going to be revealed. What will make the difference between you and other divorced couples is not whether you’ve tested each other enough but how you handle any issues that inevitably would arise be they sexual or otherwise. Testing the merchandise is a poor excuse for disobeying God.
    1. thetoolsman
      Again, I think we get this response alot whenever it has to do with sex. I’ve said on this same platform several times that every single relationship/marriage is transactional. We all pick what we want in our potential partners and embed it deep in our subconscious and let it guide our decisions (some christians sometimes even have the audacity to refer to this “inner voice” as the holy spirit).

      Let’s leave sex aside for a second and take say finance.. How many will trust God “completely” if that brother that who is jobless and lives off favours approaches you and says God has revealed to him that you’re his wife. Even if this revelation is confirmed to the sister in a dream, I’m sure God will be asked to “understand” no?

      1. Victoria
        I’m not sure you understood my point. We’re talking at two different poles. The premise the writer gave is test the merchandise so you can know beforehand and make informed decisions on whether to go ahead with the relationship or not . That sounds plausible but even if you can test it in the area of sex can you honestly test the person in all other areas before tying the knot? The answer is you can’t. You have to take in a lot of things on trust. For those who are practicing Christians afraid of potential sexual incompatibility I would refer you to a series on this platform called ‘Broken’ where perceived sexual incompatibility posed a lot of challenges . What is more interesting though is how the protagonist eventually dealt with those issues.
        1. thetoolsman
          Oh but I did understand your point and I went on to make another – basically, all Im asking is… this recurring response to ‘testing the merchandise’ are we only getting it because the premise is based on sex and something seemingly verifiable by some sort of test?
          In the example I gave above, there’d be no need for any verification and as a result, there’d be no surprises (at least in that area) if you decide to go ahead with the relationship/marriage. Question is, in such an instance, would it be any easier to just trust and move on?
      2. Victoria
        So let me try to answer the second part of your comment@thetoolsman. I think it’s a misconception that people believe that there’s only one person you have to marry. You might be compatible with someone who is in a room and parlor and with someone who is in a 12story mansion. That choice is yours to make depending on what you’re offered. Angel Gabriel would not stand at the pearly gates and banish you because you married x instead of y. The problem would be what you did when you were with either of them. What you are not allowed to do though is to disobey those laws or commands given by God. That is when punishment would be given and believe me God ‘wouldn’t understand.’ When I talk about trusting God I mean trusting Him to give you the strength to obey his commands as he wouldn’t ever give you more than you can bear.
      3. Reny
        @thetoolsman My take on it is this, trusting God is a seperate topic that transcends sex, finance and every aspect of life etc. it also requires you to discern whether you’re hearing form God or guarding ur own skin of simply feeling the hawtness of d guy or his bank balance, which i assure is no small task and best left to anyone who believes in a spiritual being to figure Out. (Myself included). However on the subject/article, sex is a nurturable skill, it can be honed with time, communication and mutual interest. To hinge your reasons for sleeping with many partners on testing the merchandise is for me entirely too risky. Many routine sex testers will forever make poor sex partners, because of ds touch and go strategy and even some people complaining in dse comments about deir experiences here are giving me proof, that they have not learnt to teach and learn (i will not tag anybori). My last point is , have premarital sex if u want and all, but don’t come and be claiming to do it because u want to test d merchandise or U could miss The woman of your dreams bcos she still had a lot to learn and just end up with Falz’s karishika.
  11. Jane Pius
    “Thou shall not fornicate” That has to be the most difficult commandments to follow. I can’t say I’m a strong christian but I try my best to follow God’s commands and keep His word. However, what do you do when you knowingly keep falling back into sin? This is a really dicey topic among youths today. We just have to trust God and believe that He has the best plan for us.
    Nice piece…

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