Beautiful songstress Ciara got engaged to her boo Russell Wilson last week after dating for a little over a year and as expected the Internet went crazy with all sorts of comments, views, opinions etc. There were those who “oooooh-ed and awwww-ed” at the fairy tale like progression to the love story between the two, there were those who bitched and moaned about how life isn’t just fair because some people get second chances and they haven’t even gotten one, there were those who threw shade at Ciara’s ex and of course, there were those who hurriedly connected the seeming success of their relationship to their decision to stay celibate.
Now all these reactions were expected – I mean, we’ve seen it all and heard it all before but what I didn’t really expect was that the celibacy angle would end up becoming louder than even those trolling Future and her former relationship. But it is what it is and I have taken it upon myself to help all of us get back to the point:
Celibacy didn’t get Ciara a ring.
If you ask me how I know this for a fact, I will quickly throw the question back at you – how do you know for a fact that it did? But this is just to highlight the point of this post – truth is, except you’re chums with Cici and Russell or except they write a book about it later, truth is, we won’t know. But the reason I’m writing this post is because I sure damn well hope its true that celibacy didn’t get her that ring.
Let me start by putting the minds of our in-house evangelists at peace – I have nothing against celibacy in relationships. As with many of my posts, I’m writing from a position of experience. I was once in a very-serious-almost-approaching-marriage relationship and we decided to remain celibate. Did we end up getting married? Nope? Do I blame our decision to remain celibate? Not absolutely but it sure as hell played a huge part in our decision to end the relationship.
But before I go to town on this, context is key. I do not blame the act of being celibate – my issue is the “why” and the “how” and this is the main reason why I am here today.
Recently, a very close female friend of mine got into a relationship with a guy she had been seeing for a while. They had had sex a few times while they were dating but as things got serious between then, she always noticed a slight hesitation from him whenever it was time for them to get down and dirty. She didn’t bring it up but it all made sense when he asked her to become his girlfriend and then he said he’d rather they stay celibate in their relationship. Obviously he had had issues in his past relationships because he felt most of them were all about the sex and he never really connected emotionally or otherwise with any of his exes. With my friend, he wanted more because he saw an actual connection between them and so, bye-bye sex.
Quite commendable wouldn’t you say? I’m sure most of you would have thought he was doing it because of his religion or something. Nah, dude is just awesome like that. Only problem was that my friend is in her mid twenties and she had been celibate the past few years before meeting this dude because she came out of a really really shitty relationship and decided she was just going to save it for the next sensible guy she gets in a relationship with. And so when this dude came along and ticked all the right boxes, she was looking to unleash her inner Riri and put in Work Work Work to make up for lost time only for Mr. to hit her up with celibacy. But she went along with it anyways – who wouldn’t after all, his reasons were quite valid.
A few months into the relationship, they started having issues. Not issues particularly about the celibacy decision but if you are discerning enough, you’d be able to tell that it formed the foundation of their problems. Basically, my friend started feeling weird almost to the point of thinking she was unattractive because brotherman was freaking committed to his cause. Like they would sleep on the same bed and nothing. Like NOTHING. As someone who has been there and done that, trust me, e no easy. He obviously had more control than her possibly because celibacy was HIS decision and he had probably spent a significant amount of time processing it and preparing himself for it. For her, it was more like a cold slap on the face. Imagine after waiting three years and an Idris Elba lookalike finally falls crazy in love with you and he ticks all your other boxes only for him to say you know what, can’t really have all of him yet because of some dead and gone women from his past relationships?
Not only was this unfair to my friend, it was also very traumatic because she was trying hard to be supportive of his decision which is right by many standards but the problem was the way she or rather, they went about it.
In such a situation, you cannot over emphasize communication. I faulted her for not coming out to express how she felt the moment he proposed celibacy. Sure, it’s a very responsible thing to propose but because he was already mentally ready and she wasn’t, they could have met each other halfway and ease their way into it. Sex is and will always be a MAJOR major part of every relationship and decisions on such a subject should not be made by one half of the partnership. Even in marriage, if you have a wife in the late stages of pregnancy and doctors advice you to stay away from sex, you still need to talk about it together.
In conclusion, for those celebrating celibacy as the hero in the Ciara/Russell love story, the truth remains until we are told specifically, we don’t know it is but I can sure bet a finger on the fact that the communication, trust and understanding among them probably played a greater role in the success of their relationship than their decision to remain celibate. Yes, celibacy before marriage can be good for those who can manage it but it is important we focus on the really important underlying facts.
Agree or disagree with me? You know the drill; use the comment box to express you.
Image via: Dailymail.co.uk