She doesn’t have to cook for you

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Recently on Twitter, there was a trending debate as to if ladies would dish food for their men. A lot of ladies responded saying stuff like “is she a wife or is she a slave”; basically saying that serving a guy food is not something they will ever do. Other responded more rationally saying ‘there is…

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Recently on Twitter, there was a trending debate as to if ladies would dish food for their men. A lot of ladies responded saying stuff like “is she a wife or is she a slave”; basically saying that serving a guy food is not something they will ever do. Other responded more rationally saying ‘there is no big deal in serving a man food’.

If I like a guy and he becomes my lover if I so please, I’d dish his food for him if he asks nicely. Hell yeah I’d even cook for him.

Personally, I see no big deal in getting your man food, it won’t kill you, also it’s not slavery or disrespectful. If I’m going to get up, go to the kitchen and get you something to eat, you must have absolutely no problem doing the same for me, and I’m not talking about when I’m sick and in need of tender love and care (TLC).

My first weekend at the Lover’s place wasn’t perfect. At some point during the day he said “S, aren’t you going to cook for me”. I cannot begin to explain all the manners in which I was irritated but because I’m passive aggressive I ignored him. Unfortunately for him he thought perhaps I didn’t hear him and he repeated himself and I ignored him and ordered a large pizza. Till this day, we have never spoken of that day, he must have realized that it was not going to happen and I applaud him for how well he handled it.

The next two weekends he did the cooking and he’s quite the chef (there are few things sexier than a hot guy who can cook). When I felt like I was ready to unleash my fantastic culinary skills on him I did. I wasn’t going to enter the Lover’s kitchen and conjure up a fantastic meal because he expected me to. I did it when I was ready and also because I love to cook. I got up one morning dressed in lingerie and served him my famous pancakes (I make the best pancakes), he was mind blown (all pun intended).

Right now we are at the stage where cooking is basically nothing, whoever feels like it goes ahead and I really like it. The trips to the supermarket to pick out what we want to cook and what not is so much fun, the cooking of the meal is all the more fun because we are playing music, scantily clad, gisting, and stealing a kiss or two while the food gets ready. As for dish washing, he’s never asked me to because my nails are always manicured, it’s quite thoughtful of him. I believe that when you truly care for someone, small things like cooking and dishing his food or icing his scotch becomes nothing.

What I also think (I’m not sure) is that chances that a lady will get upset and refuse to do something as simple as dish her man’s food is if there are certain doubts in the relationship, if you know what I mean. Perhaps there are still some insecurities that haven’t been dealt with, or just plain unnecessary pride.

I do have a huge problem with men who believe that because we are female we are obliged to cook for them.

What I’ve noticed about the traditional mindset a lot of Nigerian men have is that they still play on gender roles, expecting household chores to be done by the women and bills to be paid by the men. It’s about time this expectation is thrown in the ‘recycle bin’ and permanently deleted. Women do not have to cook for men. Women were not born to cater to the every need of men. Women should only have to cook for men if the genuinely want to because if you really want to do something, you’ll put your heart and soul into it.

Let me just say this to guys, NOT ALL WOMEN CAN COOK AND IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY.

I believe that men should cook too. I grew up in an environment where my grandfather and my step father were always in the kitchen, I wasn’t raised to believe that cooking was a woman’s duty because it really isn’t. Granted that cooking may not be a strong point for a lot of men and that’s okay but surely you can do better than to laze around and wait for your woman to tell you that dinner is served, stay with her in the kitchen for the love of Zeus.

There’s really no qualms in cooking for your man, especially if you want to. That whole I’m his girlfriend not his wife/slave talk is so unnecessary believe me. At the same time if your lady doesn’t want to cook for you, it’s okay. No woman deserves to be hounded by her lover if she is not the cooking type. No man has the right to guilt trip a woman because she can’t or won’t cook for them.

Guys need to learn to let women do things on their own time, when they want to, not pressure them. I remember in university a guy in my class complained that he’s been dating a girl for some time now and she hadn’t made stew for the week for him. It was so preposterous that I burst out laughing. Just because you are dating does not mean she has to cook for you. If she’s going to surprise you and do it fine, if you ask nicely and she does it fine, but don’t complain to her about something she’s not expected to do. As for the guys, if your girlfriend decides to cook for you, the least you can do is keep her company while she does it.

Hi, my name is S and I believe I’ve made it clear that no woman is obliged to cook for any man and it more than okay for a man to cook for his woman.

Do share with me your various opinions about who should be doing the cooking in a relationship, would you cook for your man? Do you assist your lady when she’s cooking? Have you ever cooked for your lady? If you’ve never cooked for your man, why not?

Image via imgbuddy.com

Responses

  1. Kili
    I’m with you on this.

    My partner let’s me be all the time. We don’t force each other to do things.

    Just be you.

    2+
  2. Nosa
    I honestly don’t see what the big deal is about this topic. It’s actually not as important as you people tend to view it. I have cooked for my an ex before, and i saw nothing wrong with it. It was a dish i loved preparing.

    And please, it is not okay for someone (male or female) to not know how to cook several dishes,(indomie doesn’t count). You don’t have to do it all the time but you should know how to.

    And i can laze around while she is cooking, maybe because i may be busy or reading a book. But i also don’t “HAVE TO” be with her while ahe does what she does.

    And on this; “What I’ve noticed about the traditional mindset a lot of Nigerian men”; i can’t help thinking you typed that with condescending view (i may be wrong). There is nothing wrong with having a traditional mindset, so i don’t see why it should be “thrown in the ‘recycle bin’ and permanently deleted”. Your mindset is not more preservable than theirs, neither is theirs more preservable than yours

    9+
      1. Goodie Yaro
        I taya.
        you speak on condescending but you start an opinion with ‘ you people ‘ like there is a fault in a thinking of the certain you people.
        tsk tsk tsk.
        date and marry those who share your views, let peace reign.
        2+
  3. Jo!
    Nosa, You’re wrong, It is okay for someone (male or female) to not know how to cook several dishes, it is very okay, It makes sense to know how to cook, so you’re not always at the mercy of others, but you do not HAVE TO know how to cook. If you’re fine with not knowing how to, there is no problem.

    I don’t think S & you will see eye to eye on this one, but this is 2015, you can’t list “I have cooked for my an ex before, and i saw nothing wrong with it (because) It was a dish i loved preparing” as an achievement, come on uncle, come on! “You saw nothing wrong with it”? Was there supposed to be something wrong with it?
    Mehn, moving on, I don’t have energy for this abeg, the women that will fall for guys like you will fall for guys like you and it’s also perfectly okay if a woman chooses to be with a man who’s stuck in 1958, perfectly okay

    9+
    1. Nosa
      your last paragraph was unneccessary, the part of my comment that you out in quotes was a reply to one of the questions asked by S in her last paragraph ( if you bothered to read the post). And i answered, i’m seriously confused as to how you perceived my saying that “as listing an achievement”. The first pasrt of my comment was that i don’t see what the big deal is about the issue (whoever decides to cook and serve)
      You people have a way of picking out the less important parts of a statement just so you can try to make a point.
      9+
      1. mz.D
        Your last paragraph makes you “guilty” of exactly the same thing you are accusing Jo for! For clarity purposes.. you picked out some of the “less important parts” of S’s article/statement and made your point with them!
        Anyways, back to the post, my man does his “bit” in the kitchen.. not much though because I would always ‘hover’ to make sure he doesn’t make a ‘mess’ of my kitchen, which in itself is bad! I try not to be nosy so he doesn’t vex and decide not to help me again but for the most parts especially when I’m in the mood, I love cooking and mostly prefer to be alone except I want to disturb the hubby and insist he stays with me..lol!.. sometimes he wonders if I’m cooking for a party but I don’t mind the cooking..most times when I ain’t tired..#over!
        1+
        1. mz.D
          And again.. I grew up in a home where my dad cooks when he’s hungry.. I remember days when I see him in the kitchen and I’m like let me do it and he’s like I shouldn’t bother.. even the dishes sometimes.. so I guess my mum is lucky in that area..
          So like S and some ‘commenters’ including Nosa have/has kinda stated.. cooking in this generation shouldn’t be a gender-based role! Hunger never ‘wire’ you finish if you are waiting for someone to cook for you! #shikena!
          2+
  4. Similicious
    I’m with S on a few lines in this piece..However,EVERYBODY SHOULD KNOW HOW TO COOK. It is not okay not to cook a meal for your man/woman…think about the kids…
    2+
  5. D.K
    I agree with you S. However, i believe everybody should know how to cook. Really, it’s healthier.
    Although I usually make my own food, i cooked just once in my previous three years relationship. I didn’t even cook for him, he came by when I was eating. New to-be boo has cooked thrice in the few months we started dating and the closest he has eaten to food at my place is fried chicken. I’ll gladly cook for/serve bae if I’m in the mood.
    1+
  6. Simsi
    I also don’t have a problem with cooking for someone, as far as they don’t feel like its my duty to do it. Some guys are very cheeky tho. They’ll tell me they’re coming to my house that I should cook for them. For why na. I don’t even answer people like that. I’ll just buy coke for you to drink. There’s this particular guy I met. Every single time I go to his house, he cooks for me. And this is not someone that’s asking me out or anything. And he washes the plates and pots. I was so surprised. I even tried washing one time like that. He told me to leave everything for him. Each to his own sha. First time I’m commenting
    2+
  7. Nee
    At first I wasn’t sure where you were heading, but yaaas girl yaaaaaas! I think the reason girls are staunch supporters of team #imnotcookingfornoman is that they have been on the receiving end of misogynistic attitudes. It’s not just cooking though, chores and other housework are repeatedly tossed to the ladies side while the men do manly things like…kill chickens?

    I wholeheartedly agree with this write up. No-one should expect me to cook/serve food for them, especially if you can’t or won’t cook/serve food for me. For instance, in a meeting I and another female staff were asked to set up all the refreshments. This is something that took multiple trips and could have been remedied by everyone in the meeting helping out with something. We were not the most junior staff there or the only women, but because we were the ‘youngest women’ we were just expected to serve everyone else in the meeting.

    So bravo S, keep telling it like it is. BTW people, it’s not by force to be able to cook, but it’s wrong to not be able to cook and then expect/force someone else to cook for you.

    3+
    1. chemicalidol
      You for go Lee d chicken na! You think say na easy work?! Wait first, let that half dead creature start jumping around in kung fu styles, spraying blood all over the place! Then you wee respect! OK, to be real, I feel we are not addressing the obvious here. My belief is there will probably always be some clearly defined gender roles, whether due to tradition or necessity. Might seem a little mysogynistic but I believe this is true. A good man will always want to provide. He will always want to protect his family. He will always want to be a knight in shining armor to his wife. These are traditional values, are they not? I’m just trying to say being traditional is not wrong. Its just different. I get that you can’t be with a man that always wants you to cook. But I don’t think that makes mysogynists of all men that want this. Let us just agree that those men will find their size and that size won’t be you.
      PS. Just for clarity’s sake, I love cooking for my fiancee. Generally though, she cooks (she is the absolute nearest!) And I help her clean up. Works for us. Doesn’t have to be for everyone. Oh, and this reply is general, not necessarily to you alone. Talked too much now. Gotta stop typing. Wawuu.
      1+
      1. ohio
        i totally agree with ur traditional perspective, matter of fact reading through your comment was like i was reading my thought.
        0
  8. Captain
    Before I give my thought on the subject, I would like to give my thought of the “person” S.
    “What I’ve noticed about the traditional mindset a lot of Nigerian men have is that they still play on gender roles, expecting household chores to be done by the women and bills to be paid by the men. It’s about time this expectation is thrown in the ‘recycle bin’ and permanently deleted. Women do not have to cook for men……” No where did you also bin the notion that men should pay the bill. It amazes me how we pick and chose what to bin and what we uphold.

    That being said, I do not believe its anyone’s right to have to cook for the other person. While we were in Uni I remember my better half would come to mine just or invite me to hers so she could have a taste of my stew which she believed tasted better than hers. (I still don’t think mine tasted better though). But that being said, it felt good. However, I would have a problem with a woman who thinks feeding someone or serving someone is such a big deal. In a relationship, we are meant to serve each other in any way presented among other things. So if you think its a big deal to make the food that you both would eat, trust me there are way more other things worse than cooking.

    In a relationship, especially one that is established, there is no such thing as self pride biko!

    4+
    1. S Post author
      Well alright then Captain, let’s talk about who pays the bills.
      Contrary to popular opinion, not every woman is comfortable with a man paying her bills.
      I cannot begin to count how many fights i’ve gotten into for paying when i’m with a guy.
      To be honest, i am not keen on that whole just because he’s a guy he should pay.

      So, there, ‘the expectation that men should alway pay’ should also be thrown in the bin. I find it wayyyyyy better to split the bill or have an alternate paying system (i pay today- you pay tomorrow) and so far it works great (on most days).

      2+
  9. Arthur Bizkit
    “Cooking, by the way, is a very useful skill for a boy to have. I’ve never thought it made sense to leave such a crucial thing – the ability to nourish oneself – in the hands of others.” – Chimamanda N. A

    . . . is a quote I totally agree with.

    8+
  10. Jenny
    See ehn..as for me its not a matter of gender roles.I love a man’s man. I won’t appreciate seeing a man anywhere in my kitchen. I don’t really like cooking or enjoy it. But I’ll rather pay a maid or keep half-assing it.
    P.S I love you S but I never agree with your posts
    1+
    1. S Post author
      Your comment made me a bit weak.
      *tears* how don’t you love a shirtless man in your kitchen?

      What if the maid puts love potion in your man’s food *side eye*

      Love you too Jenny!!!!!!!!

      0
    1. S Post author
      Hay!!! Kisses for S.
      i love to cook and i go all out yo!
      But you’re right, when its expected from me for no damn reason i just shut off.
      The socialization process of some men and women is the main reason why some women feel like they absolutely must be the ones to do the cooking, and why some men feel like it’s written in gold somewhere that women are ment to be the ones doing the cooking.

      Going according to how my family is, it’s not my mum’s duty to cook. Whoever wants does the cooking, my step dad does the cooking most times.

      2+
  11. Tits
    Girl!! i just could kiss you right now for this post…i mean i am a great cook and i love to cook,you do not have to tell me to do the cooking but once a a guy(boyfriend) starts feeling like its my duty to do the cooking….the brother is on his own oh! But then i dont totally blame these guys that feel its a woman’s DUTY to cook all the days of their life…their upbringing is the main cause….My parents are in their 60s and we kids r no more living with them,my dad is an Ilesha man so when i tell you his love for pounded yam can not be overemphasized,but lemme tell you the way its goes down whenever he has his cravings…hehehee they share the task ni oh…. my mum prepares the vegetable or whatever soup they decide on…she peels the yam and cooks it…Popsy does the Pounding and everybody is happy…and thats how it hs been since growing up, anytime we wanna eat porridge, dts popsy’s delicacy..he cooks it better than anyone anyways..lol….So pls pls anyone can do the cooking.
    One thing i gotta say thou….Once you are married as woman,it is one of your primary duties to cook…and do other chores…if your husband helps fine infact appreciate him,he will do more trust me…but when you start claiming right…Sisteh u r on your own too oh! PS:Husband and Boyfriend are not the same oh…so Brother know your place!
    wheeeewwwww!!! sorry for the Epistle.
    2+
    1. Tiki
      “Once you are married it is your responsibility to cook”. I call BS. That’s like telling a man ‘Once you are married it is your responsibility to shoulder ALL the bills. How many men still do that nowadays?

      As long as a woman keeps behaving like a doormat, letting her husband walk all over her because she thinks he did her a favour and gave her a job by marrying her, she will stay dissatisfied, unappreciated, and unfulfilled.

      2+
      1. S
        I don’t know how i didn’t see this comment.
        Yuup. I call B.S too.
        In my family, it’s not my mum’s duty to cook or do the chores. Most times my step dad does the cooking.
        Infact cooking and chores is so well evened out between them that i can’t tell who does what.
        0
  12. Seyi
    S abeg chop knuckle. This guys ehn saying it’s no big deal. When you haven’t been exposed to what we have been exposed to. Imagine, while chatting, my class rep while in the uni told me he wanted to eat pounded yam, and I invited him over to my hostel. I intended taking him to one nice restaurant where he can eat the iyan and ogufe as much as he liked. Cun see my surprise when this guy arrived and said he isn’t going because he doesn’t eat out. When asked if eating at my place is not eating out he said he has conditioned himself but he has never eaten in eateries. And that I should go rent mortar and pestle from one of the bukas near my place and pound for him! As what na? What about the ones that just show up and start ransacking my kitchen for food and when they don’t see they chastise me saying I am a woman. A guy told me that he doesn’t need to know how to cook and he isn’t interested in knowing because he hates cooking and his wife will do that. He also advised me to better learn how to cook and abide it cos I’ll soon be a wife. Nonsense! I can cook and I’ll do it when I feel like and I believe this should apply to every gender. I read on a blog where the blogger’s friend was telling her that he is contemplating breaking up with his girlfriend because she won’t clear up after him! She does the cooking and cleaning but for him to take his plates to the kitchen is now a problem. And I do not excuse any guy because ‘that’s how he’s been raised’, they should wake up to this century, things are changing. They weren’t raised with iPhones now but they are using it.
    4+
    1. S Post author
      I’m going to have to more than agree with this.
      For a lot of men it’s how they were socialized, i believe that if some men grew up seeing their father cook it would affect how they see women as being the gender to do the cooking and chores.
      0
    2. Slim
      Fastest way to piss me off is to come into my house and head for my kitchen/fridge..ooo I can literally throw the guy out and more so when he comes empty handed!
      0
  13. Olayinka
    Funny story, as I opened this page, a colleague of mine happened to be close to me and when he glimpsed the topic, he goes “Yinka I’m sure you wrote this.” I laughed and told him that even though I didn’t write it, I was certain the writer captured my sentiments. And was I right! Thanks babe.
    3+
  14. O'leke
    It is not a question if men can cook or not; it is a question of, will it be delicious (healthy) enough for both parties?
    I can cook (deliciously, as far as my guys are concerned) but on two occasions my females friends have had to stop me in the tracks while in the kitchen…hehe, guess there’s something they didn’t trust about my handling/methods.
    As for me, I won’t pound yam for you (I bet I won’t crave it that much either) but if you’re game with eating hardened Eba with vegetables spiced with sand sprinklings game on!
    2+
  15. DEJIDOPE
    If something as simple as ”food” is causing problems in your Relationship, y’all don’t deserve to be together and you are both childish.
    1+
  16. DEJIDOPE
    My Wife will do most of the cooking, it’s her responsibility, i actually want to take Cooking classes with Chef Stone at the Red Dish Chronicles, so i will cook once in a while like maybe on Saturdays and Sundays, if my wife doesn’t want to cook at any point in time, we can always order for food or go eat dinner at a restaurant with the kids, Food shouldn’t really shouldn’t be an issue in any relationship, i won’t ever force her to cook, but it is primarily her job.
    1+
    1. mz.D
      Why is it her “responsibility” or “primarily her job”??? Is there like a JD before you guys get married or some set manual she’s got to have memorized? #just.asking
      0
    2. Goodie Yaro
      err…
      you just contradicted yourself.
      its not an issue but yet its primarily her job?
      if its no issue then you can do it and it wont make o any less a man to do it.
      but hey, you got lucky i guss… stay with her shes cool doing it for you.
      just learn to nourish yourself and kids whether she is home or not.
      0
  17. Alberry
    This battle right here is on the list of reasons marriage doesn’t cross my mind… Lemme just do everything for me and the kids without having the wife argue/nag about responsibilities
    3+
  18. Vine
    Everything is an issue these days. I don’t know about boyfriend but I believe that cooking for your spouse is primarily a lady’s duty. In fact, it is the only chore I believe a man (hubby) has the right to demand. There are also stuff I would never do as a lady like washing our cars. To each his own at the end of the day, but I agree with Dejidope that if something as basic as food is a problem in your relationship, then you have no business being together.
    1+
  19. Slim
    The guys could also argue they don’t have to do shit for the ladies too. The fundamental issue may be on how a couple decides to share responsibility cos if for eg both aren’t in the mood to cook or pay for take out, they both starve?

    Tone of conversation also plays a key role. As the saying goes… 90% of quarrels are due to wrong tone of voice. E get as you go ask me and you are going to bed on an empty stomach.

    Bottom line I think is, It has to be someone’s call, how you decide to allocate that responsibility is your private business. Manner of approach is also key.

    3+
    1. Alberry
      “The guys could also argue they don’t have to do shit for the ladies too”… Give this human a bottle of orijin!
      2+
  20. Sussy
    This cooking matter Sha, just recently stopped hearing from a guy because I told him my opinion on this. I will love to feed my man day and night but the day that I cannot biko anything I give you eat or better still take the lead and cook us a meal. We will be better for it. Great article S
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