Hello Efe,

I sort of started something with a friend whose relationship ended a couple of months ago. It started like it was going to be a defined relationship as both of us are not exactly young (we are both in our 30s) and it has been going on for some months now.

However, we had the ‘discussion’ and this dude was like he has not moved on from his previous relationship since they still talk everyday and I get to see glimpses of phone calls and chats between them which makes me feel a certain type-of-way. Right now, I don’t know what we are doing yet he says he has feelings for me and wants me around all the time. And yes, we have had sex.

Undefined issues and being in limbo are not my type of person as I always like to know where my head is. I also ended a situationship like this a while back because I wanted a proper relationship and he did not.

Am I wrong for wanting to end this or do I need to wait this out whilst he sorts out himself? I feel he is a great guy and that there is potential if this issue was not there.”

Mary

Hello Mary,

This guy says he has feelings for you, likes having you around while he continues to keep in touch with his ex he admits he has not gotten over?

He is eating his cake and having it.

Blunt truth? You are the ‘cake’ and the ex is the ‘it’.

You like him no doubt, a fact I am quite sure he is aware of and taking advantage of you.

He is not as great as you think he is if he is blatantly disrespecting you and his ex by stringing both of you along.

That you have had sex with him does not count in the big picture because by staying with him, you have become one of those girls you hear about. Girls with low self esteem who in spite of knowing they weren’t number one in a guy’s life, stuck around to be disrespected.

You need to ask yourself what the endgame should be.

He will get back to his ex, dump you while telling you he never promised you anything.

Or, he will move on from him ex and choose to be with you.

If this will be the case eventually, then you might as well dump him now and hold on to some dignity.

When he comes back to his senses he will come find you with his tail between his legs. A guy will chase what he wants ferociously, if he is not doing that, forget the words coming out of his mouth, he does not really want it. Actions speak louder than words.

You know what you want and what you do not want, you shouldn’t make excuses for other people if they treat you with disrespect.

Feel free to always drop me a mail if you want to this discuss some more, have a great week ahead!

Efe.

 

Hi Efe,

Thanks for your email. I had always considered myself a no-nonsense girl who does not take disrespect from anyone and promptly end the relationship if I feel it is not going the way it should. However, this was when I was between the age of 22 – 26. Now that I am clocking 30 in a couple of months, the pressure to find a good man, settle down and have kids with is increasing as the days goes by (Bellanaija weddings, that sigh from my mother and cute baby pictures are not helping  matters either).

We had prided ourselves on being open and virtually discuss everything under the sun which is part of why I really like him. He shows attention and takes care of me within his capacity.

I want out of this situation as I am already starting to think that if we eventually become official that I was never his first choice.

My friends say I might lose out in this so called race with his ex but since I have already slept with him, I should continue to show love and care so that I can have a chance of being the chosen one. I  do not totally agree with this, why can’t it be the other way round?

Did I fail to mention that he is also my colleague in the office which makes it all the more complicated?

How do I stop myself from feeling this way and this bad?

I just never thought to myself that it would eventually come to this and this love  circle would start all over again.

Mary

 

Hello Mary,

If you feel so strongly about your connection with this guy, I think you should have an honest (non confrontational) conversation with him.

Let him know how you feel and that while you hear him when he says he is not over his ex, you do believe you guys have a good thing together and you think he might not be aware of this because he is fixated on his ex.

Let him know that you would like him to take some time and reflect on this. If he sees the potential, then he needs to make a deliberate conscious effort to commit to a relationship with you. If he doesn’t, then it is fine, although it will hurt to watch him walk away from what you guys can be, you will be happy not to be the girl whose time he wastes while chasing his ex.

Be totally honest (but not desperate), talk about how age isn’t your friend and how this is not the time to be ‘friends with benefits’, while he may think there is no need to rush anything, he needs to realise that you are a woman and it will be foolish for you to just continue chilling…….and of course, he appreciates that you are not foolish.

That you have slept with him in my opinion should not be a burden on you. You guys had sex as two grown ups who at the time had no expectations but as time went on, it became apparent there is a connection beyond physical attraction and it is this attraction you would like to build on. If he does not feel the same way then it is best to have that out in the open. It will hurt but it is better it hurts now and you walk away with your dignity intact than further than the road when you are a few months (or years) older.

The part about working in the same office with him is just a thing of awkwardness, nothing more. That is how I hope you can look at it. Look at it this way, if you were married to him but mad at him for doing something really stupid, how would you deal with it? Remember you guys would share the same bed and room. We married folks deal with this all the time, being in awkward situations because you share your intimate space with somebody you have feelings for but with whom you are not exactly jiving with. Eventually, you get used to it.

Efe

 

Dear Efe,

This is the most mature response I have ever gotten on this issue…Thanks for being honest with me…I have learnt something new from this which I would be applying.

On a last note, we have been seeing each other for almost 3 months..is it too early to have this talk?

Mary

 

Hello Mary,

Three months sounds about right to have this conversation because it says you guys have been together enough not to call this a fling but not too far in for you to get lost in it all.

Thanks for the positive feedback. I try my best to give good unbiased advice, sometimes I am able to help.

Don’t worry if this relationship will work out, it will. Just do right by yourself and everything will fall into place.

All the best.

Efe

 

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Hi,

Got something you want to talk about?

Let’s have a safe and private conversation.

Send an email to saturdayconvos[at]thenakedconvos[dot]com

All emails are confidential and will only be published with your permission.

Efe

Responses

  1. Oge
    Efe,you give such great responses men I wish I knew you personally as a friend. Like your wisdom and maturity is what a person needs to tap into from time to time. Thank you and keep up the good work 😘
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