Dear Efe, Did I Do This To Myself?

Hello Efe,  I have never had a boyfriend, does that mean I am ugly? No guy has ever hit on me or asked me to be his girlfriend. Everywhere I read something like “wait for the right person” “wait for love” love, but I don’t know if I should believe that. I am 20 years…

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Hello Efe,

 I have never had a boyfriend, does that mean I am ugly? No guy has ever hit on me or asked me to be his girlfriend. Everywhere I read something like “wait for the right person” “wait for love” love, but I don’t know if I should believe that. I am 20 years old and this is scaring me.

 Ugonna

 

Hello Ugonna,

People who say “wait for love” are being insensitive to the plight of those they are talking to. You don’t just sit around, hoping some great person just happens to fall into your lap.

You find a partner by going out, doing things, talking to people, interacting and ‘being available’. You find a partner by actually asking people out. You are not required to wait for a guy to approach you. You are free to approach to initiate contact. If you like a dude, engage him.

Please, don’t sit back waiting for someone to simply come along and do all the heavy lifting for you. You have to take some risks, too. It’s not all on the guys to do all the risk-taking, to do the asking out, to do the pursuit. I believe ladies are completely free to do those things, too, and you’re far more likely to find someone if you take an active role in your love-life.

Efe

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Hello Efe,

I dated my boyfriend for 4 years, from NYSC to January this year. I loved him to pieces. He made me laugh, the sex was great. We were good friends and shared similar interests and dreams.

I am an only child and grew up with my mum. I was afraid of marriage because my parents own failed. But with this guy, I felt safe and had dreams that we would get married. The only problem I had with him was that he never showed any emotions. He was like a robot.

When we argued, we raised our voices at each other but we always apologized to each other afterwards. He never expressed worry or sadness to me.

I got a call center job a few months after NYSC and his own job made him travel often so spending time with each other was not always easy. At the point where it started affecting our relationship badly, I started thinking about quitting. Just about that time was when I started getting close to one of my male colleagues. My colleague and I talked about my relationship all the time.

I don’t know if it was because I was dying for affection or if it was my colleague was sensitive, he knew me well and could read my emotions and body language. I didn’t think anything of it until one night, when we were both on night duty, during our break, I initiated a kiss. He tried to stop me multiple times, but I was persistent so he gave in.

I fell for him hard and fast. We saw each other in secret while my fiancé and I continued to have a “great” relationship: good sex, laughter and motivation for life.

All the while, I kept on feeling guilty, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about needing more emotional attention and wanting to know the inside of him. He called me silly and accused me of being needy. I was really crushed because I wanted my heart stirred and my emotions fed.

I had never cheated on any guy I dated but I felt like doing it when this happened. My ‘situationship’ with my colleague was foreign, exhilarating and incredible. It didn’t feel like cheating because we weren’t having sex although feelings of guilt about what I was doing grew. The good thing was, my colleague was not ready for me to cheat on my boyfriend, he said he wanted his own and encouraged me to talk to my boyfriend about what I was really feeling.

So one day, I summed up the courage and confessed to my boyfriend, he didn’t say anything much. For the next few weeks,we argued a lot but he didn’t act like he was hurt or anything about me telling him that I was developing feelings for another guy because he wasn’t showing my any affection.

One day, he just blocked me on Whatsapp and stopped answering my calls. I tried several ways to reach him but no luck. Unfortunately, he was on assignment out of time so that made it worse. I realized he had left me without a word of anger or goodbye. It’s been 4 months now and I still cry over the way he left. Now my colleague is the one suffering as I am now an emotional wreck. I know I have feelings for him but I don’t know if I want to get serious with him. He is willing to do anything to keep me, but I keep pushing him away.

I’m going crazy, so tired of fighting with him and crying over my ex.

I do not know what to do, Am I to blame? How did I do this to myself?

Soso

 

Hello Soso,

You emotionally cheated on your levelheaded ex-boyfriend whom you said was great in every way except in emotions. How do we measure such a highly subjective opinion of another person? In your quest for more attention than you were already getting, you seduced another guy against his better judgment.

In simple terms, you played with fire and got burnt.

Yes, you did this to yourself. In spite of what he says, there is no happy future with your colleague because you initiated infidelity right in his presence and he knows you did this because you were not getting something you wanted from your ex-boyfriend. No way will he trust you.

Good thing is, time heals. Four months is early days yet, you will get over your ex. You are vulnerable right now and in close proximity with a guy who wants you, that is your real problem right now. Do your best and try not to get entangled. Eventually, you will get over both guys and come out stronger on the other side.

Efe

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