Dear Efe, He Doesn’t Think I Am Sexy

    Hello Efe, I’m use to guys being attracted to my body as well as my mind but I think I have met a guy who is different. He told me point blank that my body is not sexually attractive. Like most girls I over reacted and instantly started thinking of myself as being…

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Hello Efe,

I’m use to guys being attracted to my body as well as my mind but I think I have met a guy who is different. He told me point blank that my body is not sexually attractive. Like most girls I over reacted and instantly started thinking of myself as being ugly. I started wondering if I turned him on sexually and he said “a little bit”.

I understand that he’s being honest about his thoughts which is what a lot of guys are not. Another blow to my ego is that he almost never cums, he literally gets soft inside me after a while. What confuses me the most is, this guy acts all horny and stuff when we are talking on the phone but when we are getting down he acts like he is doing me a favour, WTF?!

Ms A

 

Hello Miss A,

Your boyfriend has emotional issues and somehow, he has twisted them to be your issues. This guy is troubled emotionally; he is not your responsibility to fix.

Instead, he will reduce your self-esteem and make you feel very insecure like him.

Run, very far and very fast.

-Efe

 

 

Efe,

I am turning 21 in a few weeks and i have been with this really cute guy for the past 5 months. He is 4 years older than me and always compliments me on my looks, and makes me feel more confident.  Anyway, the other day we were talking about having “sex” and he made everything sound so great. We have kissed a few times, and touched each other, but not had sex, I am a virgin and I am now ready to have sex.

He is planning a night out on my birthday and we are going to be spending the night together. Most likely we will have sex that night. Will I need protection?

Gigi

 

Hello Gigi,

I can’t advice you about the mechanics of losing your virginity because of the biological differences between guys and girl. I did ask a couple female friends and did some reading and these are my comments –

  1. The more you fret it, the more you will sweat it. Need to take care of it (when YOU are ready) like tearing off a plaster on your arm. It hurts but it is swift. You have found somebody you trust enough to do it with, if he knows what he is doing, it won’t be too complicated or uncomfortable.
  2. Insist he uses protection. Getting pregnant or dealing with an STD shouldn’t be part of your experience.

Happy birthday in advance.

Efe

 

 

Dear Efe, I am not here to be judged; I already been judged by other people. 

I met and fell in love with a married man after flirting with him for over 6 months. We both knew it was wrong, but believe me when I say the connection between us has been so electrifying. His family is in Lagos but he was transferred to Warri so he shuttles between Warri and Lagos We spend every week day together. I have practically moved into his house here in Warri. Our relationship is more than just sex, considering there are dozens of times where we don’t have sex. 

He told me if he didn’t have roots, if he didn’t already have two children, he would leave his wife and marry me. This breaks my heart because we’re in love and when two people are in love, they should be together.

What should we do?

Sharon,

 

Hello Sharon,

The thing that’s preventing the two of you from being together is not some mysterious, difficult-to-understand obstacle. The thing is this – he is unavailable. Simple.

Your comment, “when two people are in love, they should be together” is flawed. There are more important things, and this man knows this and that is why he is using his family as an excuse. 

People fall madly in love, thinking (feeling rather) that it will last forever and is enough for a serious relationship. However, it’s very hard to live on an emotional high for very long. Eventually we start to come down from the ecstasy, excitement, strong passions and desires, typically after around 18 months to three years (people vary of course). If couples are friends, discuss their mutual values, shared ambitions, interests, etc., in some depth (obviously there will be some differences, which help make relationships interesting), and make plans, work on their personal development, etc., this can grow into a long and wonderful relationship. If one party feels insecure or low in self-respect, it can make for a difficult partnership.

It’s easy to behave at our best when in love, but marriage requires a lot of self-discipline, sacrifice, compromise and flexibility. If a strong friendship is not in place, the relationship will probably wither out eventually – or worse.

Quite often we fall in love because we are lonely and allow ourselves to be won over by anyone who takes an interest in us. Thus we give away control to somebody else if we are not careful. This is another reason for taking things very slowly, and really getting to know someone before committing ourselves or getting too emotionally or sexually involved.

Sex is emotionally bonding, which is disastrous if the other things are not there: strong friendship, similar values and standards, common interests, etc.

This married man is using you, he will not leave his wife and kids. He will enter into another relationship in the next city he will be transferred to.

I know this will not make sense to you but there are tons of girls like you out there, saying the same thing about married guys who are simply eating their cake and having it.

Sad truth? You are his ‘Warri girlfriend’ nothing more.

Efe

 

Get ready for the November Blog takeover.

Expect nothing but straight talk as SaturdayConvosWithEfe features a guest -MadamButterfly

 

Responses

  1. Li
    Dear efe , too bad ur already married…cos I really need a husband like u sha.. Just ask God to send me one as full of common sense as u are..my regards to ur wife.

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