Dear Efe, Should I Marry Him?

Hello Efe, I am in love with a married ex. We dated while in uni and then broke up, it took me a while but I moved on and have been in other relationships since then. One day, we reconnected on Facebook and started communicating regularly. At the time we reconnected, I was in a…

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Hello Efe,

I am in love with a married ex. We dated while in uni and then broke up, it took me a while but I moved on and have been in other relationships since then. One day, we reconnected on Facebook and started communicating regularly. At the time we reconnected, I was in a relationship so when he told me he was getting married, it was no big deal to me.

Within a year, he was married and I was out of another relationship. Soon we became intimate online. Although we weren’t sleeping together, he became the ‘guy’ in my life. I looked forward to chatting with him and speaking to him on the phone.

Recently I explained to him how much it bothers me that he is living a lie. I am single, so I am not cheating on any one. We are in two different cities but the level of our connection is so deep that we both know we would be having sex already if we lived in the same city.

 He says his conscience cannot allow him continue our relationship because he knows if we start having sex he is likely going to end his marriage. He wants us to stop communicating and this is heart breaking.

He sent me a message one night saying “I am in bed staring at the ceiling, I’m comparing my wife to you and getting angry she is not you. I recognize you and I are soul mates”

I’m afraid his wife will find out about us. I wish he could at least tell her we are friends, even if he leaves out that we love each other.

It’s such a mess. I wish we can turn back time and not break up, we’re constantly longing for each other

Any advice?

 Chinny

 

Hello Chinny

He is the fire and your are the petrol that is waiting to burn his marriage up. He knows this and this makes him afraid to make a move. He is trying to stop the both of you from ruining his marriage.

You’re not afraid his wife will find out about you. You are hopeful. I doubt anything I say will stop you from going after what you want. The questions is, do you want to be responsible for another woman’s hurt and pain?

Efe

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Hello Efe,

I have a question that may be I alone can answer, but perhaps you can assist.

I love my boyfriend. He is a wonderful guy. No one else could care for me as deeply as he does. We’ve been together three years, and although marriage has been brought up in passing, we’ve never discussed it at length. It’s reached the point I feel if I am not going to marry him, I should let him go.

I am 25 and not under any pressure from my family but I know if I said today “let’s get married,” that would be all I needed to say. We will plan a wedding and get married. This guy loves me too much and doesn’t fight me, I always get my way and I hate it. 

I wonder would marrying such a guy work? Would I be happy? Would we end up like so many others in a dreadful relationship 5 years down the road? I look at other guys and think what my life might be like if I were with them instead.

I go back and forth on thoughts like these and don’t know if it’s just my young age, or the fact that by nature I am indecisive, or if I am only 99% in love with him.

I don’t want to wait until there’s a big white dress in my closet to realize I’m about to make a big mistake in my life.

Nike

 

Hello Nike,

I will use the word “love” in this context. Love is what you feel for the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. That word in relationship to anyone else is not love. For example, I love him but he’s hitting on my sister, or I love him but I can picture myself with other men, or I love him but anything else… That’s not love. It’s desperation, wish, hope, desire, innate need, or even a craving to be abused. But it’s not love.

How do I know you don’t love him? You are already predicting the failure in the future of your relationship or marriage. You are already leaving a window to jump out, ‘just in case’.

In high stake situations as these, the simplest answer is usually best. And you know that answer, which is the reason you know only you can give yourself the right advice.

Efe

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Responses

  1. Jeanne
    Ex girlfriend, there’s a reason you both broke up in the first place. You might have dated him first, but he’s somebody else’s wife now.
    You’re stuck onto him, and before you know what’s happening, you’ll be that single girl, left in the lurch, and wondering where all the years went.
    Don’t destroy your fellow woman’s home, because of your selfish desires. The only thing that could come out of this situationship, is sex.
    And please, stop justifying your actions by saying that you’re not cheating. You’re making someone else cheat, so the both of you, are doing the same wrong.
    Delete this guy off your social media handles, block his number, and get a life.
    The man meant for you, would find you, but you’ve got to find yourself first.
  2. Larz
    Dear Nike
    I will tell you what I once told a friend based your comment of “he lets me have my way and I hate it”. H/N(ollywood) has thought us that love must come with drama for some reason. Love does not have to hurt. By all means walk away if you don’t love him enough or are not fully committed to him but please stop looking for drama filled rships. It might come with more electric sparks but if you are not careful, you might get shocked in the long run.

    As for the first girl. I remember when runs girls used to claim they weren’t sex workers even though they are getting paid to sleep with ppl. You may not be cheating physically but emotionally you are draining on another woman’s husband resource that he is better off using up on his wife.

  3. stel
    Dear chinny
    So what if he really is ur soulmate? Soulmates do not always end up 2geda. He made his choice, now he wishes u were she. He needs to focus on making his marriage work and u need to leave him completely so he can do that. You don’t go around wrecking people’s homes. Being able to justify something doesn’t make it right. U have to cut all ties with him and find someone else, preferably single. Break it off completely. Distance urself emotionally. *U cannot remain friends* because no matter how hard u try dis sort of thing will likely repeat itslf in d future.
    Dear nike,
    “It’s reached the point I feel if I am not going to marry him, I should let him go.”
    U wdnt be letting him go, u’d be freeing urself. I agree with larz on that ur looking for drama. Sparks fizzle out darling. What happens when d fuse burns out? Do u go looking for anoda? If u feel like ur settling u shd end things bcus its not fair to either of u. Marriage is a long time thing so when next ur imagining ur life with oda guys compared to ur bf, imagine 10, 15, 20 years ahead when u hit middle age because those are the years u wd really appreciate d kind of person ur husband is.

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